HowTo:Count to 3

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Oscar Wilde
One.
Oscar Wilde
Two.
Oscar Wilde
Four.
“Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number thou shalt count to shalt be three”
~ Ancient Proverb
“One, two, FIVE!”
~ King Arthur on counting to 3
“Three, sir!”
“THREE!”

Ever since the dawn of time, parents have asked children to "count to 3" before asking a question. This is because parents know that counting to 3 is very, very, VERY difficult, and will keep the bewildered child busy with the challenge for at least 30 days, ample time to finish whatever is more important than the drooling, idiotic little brat in the corner. But, is it actually possible to count to 3? Believe it or not, the answer is yes. But first, you must be able to count up to 3. Let us go through the process:

edit Counting to 1

Tip

Never start from 0. That's just making the process unnecessarily difficult.

Counting to 1 is relatively easy. Simply pronouncing the word "one" aloud while standing on one foot will result in the counting of the number 1. Remember the process of spitting in the air violently, it will help when the time comes to count to 3. Note the jumping urge you get from your leg as you count, this is your brain telling you you're doing something waay too complicated for you. To stop this from happening, run to the nearest candy shop butt-naked and demand something salty. You will be thrown into the madhouse where you belong, where you can count until you're 99 (but you won't know how old you are). Now, things get a bit more tricky.

edit Counting to 2

To begin counting all the way to 2, you will first need to count to one. Then, right as you say "ne", quickly do a headstand, then somersault around the room while screaming the word "two" at the top of your lungs. While the somersaulting is optional, you MUST do a headstand so your brain won't asplode from the sheer complexity of counting to 2. Do NOT attempt to count to two on a motorcycle. You may feel a little sick after counting to 2, this is your brain throwing up. Hey, it literally takes guts to count to 2. But the worst is yet to come.

edit Counting to 3

Tip

Do not count to 4 while counting to 3, nor 2, unless immediately followed by three. Five is RIGHT OUT!

At last, the moment of truth. The grand finale. The coup de grace. The reason you're here. To start, count to 2. Now, as you scream "oo!", run to the nearest university, grab 2 calculators (you should be able to count how many two is, now), then hit the "3" button on it to display the number you're trying to get to. Now, quickly steal a digital camera from Wal-Mart and take a picture of the three on the calculator. Now, steal a car (the more expensive, the better). Three police cars will follow you after 2 minutes (which you can count out). Now, drive to the nearest cliff and accelerate off the cliff. Jump out of the car. You should be falling. Now, in midair, take out the picture of the calculator and hold it high. Now, scream as loud as you can, "THREEE!!!" Congratulations. You have just counted to 3. Your mom won't be proud, but you can tell your visitors in the hospital how you were one of the very few people who ever properly counted to three. Now, how many fingers am I holding up?

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