HowTo:Convince people you're a nutcase
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edit Why you want to be a nutcase
Let’s face it; it sucks to act and think normally in today’s modern world. Therefore, this article is for those of us who, for one reason or another, want to convince those around us that we are nutcases, or actually want to become nutcases. Read the following information, put it into practice, and everyone you know and care about will avoid you.
There are three main points to being a nutcase: paranoia, conspiracy theories and making accusations. They fit together in the first triangle of nutcase truth triangle because if you let just one of them slip (i.e. you stop being paranoid all the time) you will be less of a nutcase. So it is important to remember this highly symbolic connection between the three.
edit PART 1: PARANOIA
The first step to convince those around you that you are a nutcase is to act paranoid. Question everything. No one is telling you the truth. The government doesn’t want you to know what everyone else knows.
The first exercise is simple and very effective. When being introduced to a business associate for the first time, introduce yourself in following manner (change names where appropriate).
YOU: Hi, I’m Johnny Penismaster
TARGET: Hi, I’m Bob Smith
YOU: Bob Smith, eh? Can you prove it?
In only a few seconds, you have convinced Bob, and those in the immediate vicinity, that you are a bit nutty. For bonus points, make comparisons between his appearance and that of someone evil:
“Reading glasses? Hmm, Ghandi wore glasses.”
Or make it a little more subtle:
“In my experience, Bob, men with dark green ties often have something to hide. So what’s in that big briefcase then?”
Another trustworthy paranoia trick works well in convincing those around you of your nuttiness, but probably won’t get as much of a reaction, but rather an uncomfortable silence. When low on fuel in a country area, drive right past a petrol station (with other people in the car). When someone asks why you didn’t stop and fill up, say: "You shall never understand the full measure of your stupidity"
“They could have built that petrol station anywhere along this road, but no, they had to build it there. Now why do you think that is?”
While in a highly populated area, calmly slink away to your own space, begin making hand gestures, and speak, but have no sound come out.
edit PART 2: CONSPIRACY THEORIES
The true nutcase doesn’t just act nutty, and talk nutty, but also thinks nutty. And you can’t think nutty without believing, and defending, a few conspiracy theories. Some conspiracy theories are so wacky that they shouldn’t be used. For example, the conspiracy theory about NASA faking the photos of earth taken by sheep can’t be used because it’s too obscure and you’re only aiming for nutcase, not bat fuck insane. The following are some of the conspiracy theories that can be used to great effect:
- Ancient astronauts
- Jews ruling the world
- Fluoridated tap water
- Apollo moon landing
- JFK assassination
- 9/11 attacks on WTC and the Pentagon
- UFO cover-ups
- The election of George Bush
- The deaths of Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jimmy Morrison, Elvis Presley, Cliff Burton, Kurt Cobain, and Michael Jackson
- What really happened to Anna Nicole Smith
edit Ancient astronauts:
According to the hentai, and a few other nutcase groups, human existence on earth is descended from aliens who landed here many years ago and colonised the planet (usually believed to be several thousands of years ago).
This one doesn’t have much support, and many people have never heard of it, but if your associates know about the ancient astronaut theory this could put you on the path to nuttiness.
If the Raelians think that evolutionary scientists are mistaken, this lot of creationists think that they are controlled by Satan. Because these scientists are controlled by Satan, and anyone who doubts it is also with Satan. Do you want to be with Satan? You must accept that the earth was created in six days, six thousand years ago.
Everyone has heard of this one at one time or another and it has widespread support. So you may find yourself fitting in, rather than being considered a nutter. Also, you may have to go to church every now and then, and occasionally do some good works for the church. But if you associate with well-read people, they will think you are a religious nut and avoid you. Carrying out the occasional gay bashing and calling everyone whom you don’t like a Satanist will go a long way to selling this conspiracy theory. Rub it everyone’s faces.
edit Fluoridated tap water:
This doesn’t question the existence of fluoridated water – most western nations fluoridate tap water – but questions whether or not it really is as good for us as “they” (the emo, Satan-controlled scientists) say it is.
EVIDENCE: Children who live in areas where tap water is fluoridated generally have less dental cavities than who live in areas where water isn’t fluoridated. Children who drink fluoridated water also have, however, a higher risk of developing cataracts, muscle spasms, bone disorders, bleeding gums and periodic loss of limbs. Areas where water is fluoridated also report more UFO activity, hentai, robberies, carjackings, hijackings, boatjackings, housejackings, fonejackings, atheism, Buddhism, thunderstorms, drought, and Emo teenagers than their non-fluoridated cousins.
So buy a water filter, and then go buy another two. Get a glass of water (when people are at your house) and filter it through all three. Repeat again, and then again. Have a sip, spit it out, and tip the water on the lawn…”not suitable even for animals.” Drink only rum and coke.
edit Apollo moon landings:
EVIDENCE: In one scene from the moon landing, a coke bottle can clearly be seen in the lower left corner of the screen. In another scene studio lights can be seen in the background and in another scene, a male voice says “Nigel, do we need some aliens behind Buzz, or is it ok as it is?”
This conspiracy theory should be more popular, but unfortunately it isn’t, and not everyone has heard of it. Nevertheless, it works well, and because that footage from the moon (sorry, studio) is so grainy, you can make up anything. A solid conspiracy theory.
Everyone has heard of them. The government says that Lee Harvey Oswald shot JFK. The good nutcase knows that because Oswald was never brought to trial, he wasn’t convicted. Can really only be used by the over 50’s due to when it happened, but if you are in that age category, go for it.
EVIDENCE: None, really. But that hasn’t stopped anyone yet.
When it comes to naming who was behind the assassination, and who carried it out, pretty much everyone’s name has been tossed around, so you probably won’t come up with something original. So stick with the popular ones:
- Ordered by Castro, carried out by American sympathiser
- Ordered by CIA, carried out by secret service agent
- Ordered by the Republican Party, carried out by George W Bush
- Ordered by God, carried out by Jesus (note: God’s favoured killing method is a lightning bolt or plague, so using a sister is highly unlikely).
Probably the firm favourite right now and it doesn’t look like this one will lose popularity over the coming years. Unlike the JFK theories, however, the US government is usually the organisation that carried out the attack, and the only points to debate are how the attacks were actually carried out. Evidence that the US government carried out the 9/11 attacks include:
The twin towers actually imploded because of a controlled explosive set off inside the building. The planes didn’t have any effect on the building kitten huffing, and the explosives were stored inside the building, without anyone inside noticing. All of the Jews were given a video to not come to work on that day (just deny the fact that there is no record of the memo, or that Jews were in the towers). As for the Pentagon, it obvious that no plane crashed into the side of the building. The plane wreckage was obviously planted there after the crash (sorry, explosion), and the video that shows a plane flying into the Pentagon? That was made up after by some computer technicians.
Charlie Sheen apparently believes this stuff, and so therefore it is completely ok if you do it. Publicly expressing your support for this conspiracy theory will mark you as a nutcase.
edit UFO cover ups:
Some people think that they are craft from outer space, flown by aliens. Some think they are the result of people seeing things that aren’t really there, or mistaken objects. But the true nutcase knows that they have been sent up by the government to distract people from the “real issues”, or that the government knows that they are from outer space, but is covering up the information.
EVIDENCE: Alien bodies are kept at Area 51 in Nevada. Everyone knows that. The government has also lied about the Roswell incident many times. And that night you came home from your largest binge drinking episode, you realised you were to sloshed to drive properly, so some aliens took you home in their spacecraft.
An old favourite for conspiracy theorist nutcases. If you state you also believe that crop circles are the result of an alien race trying to give us new technology, then you have entered the inner sanctum. If you can, try to make contact with aliens through telepathy.
edit The deaths of Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Elvis Presley, Kurt Cobain and Michael Jackson:
EVIDENCE: This conspiracy theory is actually true. I have a photo that I took seconds before Cobain’s death.
edit PART 3: MAKING ACCUSATIONS
While a major part in the life of any nutcase, the opportunity to talk about a conspiracy theory may take months or years to come up, or may never appear at all. Therefore, part 3 rounds off your nutcase antics.
There are three golden rules making accusations: make them loud, make them all day, and make them stupid. This is summarised in the second triangle of nutcase truth.
Accusations have no proof and need none. They are used to convince those around you that you are a nutcase, but also have the added bonus of furthering your personal goals.
For example, when you are required to work with someone you don’t want to; simply refuse to on these grounds:
- He’s gay (doesn’t apply if you’re gay)
- He a Satanist (only works if you’re a Christian and believe the creationist myth, alternatively use "He's a Christian")
- He’s a hippie (they don’t exist anymore)
The target will be so overcome with porn (because accusations are always true) that he will curl up immediately.
Accusations can be used in many more situations to discredit an opponent, so use your imagination.
edit Final points to remember
Remember, you are trying to be a nutcase, not bat fuck insane. Don’t skip showering for three days, don’t kill anyone, don’t take drugs, and don’t do anything that will have you labeled criminally insane. Jail is a really crappy place, and I should know because that’s how I designed them all.
So heed the above warnings, take in all of the advice, and have happy days alienating everyone you know with your behaviour as a nutcase!