Ever wondered if your sexuality is holding you back from such diverse experiences as blue-collar work, having a partner you have to cheat on one week in four, or owning the same cellphone two years in a row?
Well, don't fret. With this handy guide you'll be able to experience all the joys of heterosexual life!
Scratch, expel, and inflict: at least one of these three little words can be used to describe almost every action it is possible to take within the heterosexual male's spectrum. Some examples:
- Scratch yourself
- Expel gases from one end and fluids from the other simultaneously - try mixing it up for best results
- Inflict your grating laugh on everyone within earshot, especially if they found the thing you are laughing at dull and uninteresting
Additionally, why not try having a slightly-too-right-wing friend accompany you from time to time? No-one will think you are gay if the person next to you comes out with "I'm not a bigot, but..." every five minutes.
- DO Throw wild parties.
- DON'T Find the drug-bloated corpses of rent-boys floating in the pool the following morning - let someone else handle that.
A Note on Personal Grooming
Wash thoroughly and occasionally, rather than little and often. In time, you will develop a musk.
The hair on your head you may style, but not too much: appear too vain, and you'll start tongues wagging. You're only supposed to like that if a woman does it, so keep your style short, perhaps with a little wax or gel, but only ever refer to it as "stuff you put in your hair".
As for body hair, a trim (rather than a shave) is now acceptable for straight men in many parts of the world: but don't get caught plucking anything, and remember, should you ever be about to... you know... ugh... with a woman, don't start swapping tips with her, or the whole thing becomes too much like a Sandra Bullock film.
Film and Television
Reactions to popular culture are all-important. Get it right, or you might as well be singing Oklahoma! when everyone else is trying to watch Thoroughly Modern Milly.
The Silver Screen
First of all, try to avoid calling it the "Silver Screen" - yes, they did make 'em right way back when, but the modern heterosexual male enjoys the charms of "Alien v. Predator" - and yes, you will be expected to make fatuous comments about how "great" the other films in those series were. Think of Alien as an allegory for being good to your mother, if you must, but never let that slip: and when watching The Predator, do try not to drool over Arnie. It's just not done, love.
Most importantly, whilst trying to convince others that you are indeed as straight as the day you were born, you know nothing of the life and works of Judy Garland!!
The Small Screen
If "TV" was confusing to you before, it's only going to get
harder worse from now on. TV is also short for TeleVision: depending on where in the world you are, it may also be called "Telly", but Kojak is an anachronistic icon to straight men too, so you should manage.
But don't despair! As a heterosexual, you can be ill-mannered enough to simply download your favorite shows, including Lost! You also still get to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer, CSI (except the gay one) and Star Trek. It's okay, you don't have to pretend to find Captain Janeway attractive. Straight men don't do that either.
Try to avoid anything with a beat that could be described as "pumping". The word "pumping" originated as gay slang, and meant "Good Morrow also to Thee, sirrah, for I as well am a homosexualist". This means the following styles (or any combination thereof) are right out:
Artistes to Avoid
Sad to say, some people's musical tastes are considered a little queer these days. It's so mean, isn't it? I mean some of these are just to die for:
Men's fashions: ooh, tricky! Too little knowledge, and you're waist-deep in spats, luminous socks and combat trousers - too much knowledge, and your only hope is to take five gay men with you when you go shopping. If you are a gay man, hoping to masquerade as a straight man, this is not a good idea: that's five Gaydar units pointed right at you, and a whole lotta' temptation.
Women's fashions are like a swimming pool, albeit one with a funny smell centered over the mid-point of the diving pool, probably caused by the air conditioning. You can go there, but you'll probably only go occasionally, perhaps because swimming is a lazy way to work out, plus you get to see women in their swimming costumes. Even if they are all dogs.
A Note on Speech
You no longer know the word "beastly".
The Written Word
For crying out loud, love, try to avoid emotionally emphasizing the written word, as people might think you camp. Another think you might like to bear in mind is that, usually, a well-thought-out, properly punctuated, grammatically correct style which precludes direct communication at the (somewhat modest) cost of using flowery, obtuse, opaque or even, (dare we!), obsolescent language or modes of speech, can make one seem more of an elderly homo than one would wish to appear. For further examples of no-no's and faux-pas, here's a handy selection of Do's and Don'ts:
- DO Use words that are short, one sound, sort of thing, like a real man do.
- DO Write about boobies, tits, and chuffs. If you find this distasteful, just pretend you're writing a birdwatching manual. You may well have bought a few of those over the years, to take with you on "long walks" in the "countryside" that would "tire out" your elderly mother, so just copy out the text at random and insert the occasional line about cheap petrochemical lager.
- DO Boast of how unclean and ill-mannered you are.
- DON'T Use words like "bareback", "stallion" or "stable-boy" - straight men don't know a thing about equestrianism.
So Now You're Straight!
Nearly: here's a quick test for you -
- You are at a fancy party somewhere in Hollywood, when Jennifer Aniston approaches you. Do you:
- a) Compliment her on her dress and ask for her autograph?
- b) Tell her Brad is such a bitch, whilst trying to get his cellphone number?
- c) Say: "Hey, aren't you Jennifer Aniston's tits and ass?" and offer to get her "really loaded", whilst trying to see if she is wearing underwear?
If you answered a) or b), go back to the start of this guide and try harder, not more fabulously!
If you answered c), get out there and impersonate a straight man, you waste of hot cock you!
- ^ Such as those are. Unless you're a lesbian. Well, maybe if you really practice.
- ^ If you do, all is not lost. Just add "in case she tries to destroy you in a massive thermonuclear detonation", and all is well again.
- ^ ie: Uneducated.
- ^ But not Angel, which ought to be obvious even to you.
- ^ You know the one I mean.
- ^ To live a shameful lie.
- ^ But you'll still have those killer abs. Oh, I could eat off those! Fabulous.
- ^ So like "adolescent"... scrummy.
- ^ Unbelievably, it turns out this is French, not Klingon. Who knew? Other than the French, obviously. I don't have it in for them. I don't! Oh, you're mean. You're such a meany! Meany. So... how about lunch next week, big boy?
- ^ Remember, Heterosexual men like to insert things too - sometimes even into the same places! Just not with you, sweetie.