HowTo:Convince People You're a Heterosexual Male

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|{{Tip|right|Visibly expressing confusion bordering on disgust at women with shaved heads and men with long hair works wonders for your straight-man public image.}}
 
|{{Tip|right|Visibly expressing confusion bordering on disgust at women with shaved heads and men with long hair works wonders for your straight-man public image.}}
 
|}
 
|}
Ever wondered if your sexuality is holding you back from such diverse experiences as blue-collar work, having a partner you have to cheat on one week in four, or owning the same cellphone two years in a row?
+
{{Q|Oh, this is just what I needed.|You|This Page}}
   
Well, don't fret. With this handy guide you'll be able to experience all the joys of '''heterosexual life!'''{{ref|le}}
+
Ever wondered if your [[Battle of the Sexes|sexuality]] is holding you back from such diverse experiences as blue-collar work, having a partner you have to cheat on one week in four, or owning the same cellphone two years in a row?
  +
  +
Well, don't fret. I'm gay too! With this handy guide you'll be able to experience all the joys of '''heterosexual life!'''{{ref|le}}
  +
  +
[[Image:Fonz.jpg|thumb|right|Fonzie never had wet dreams about muscular men. Why not be more like him? Eyyyy!]]
   
 
==In Public==
 
==In Public==
Line 12: Line 12:
 
Scratch, expel, and inflict: at least one of these three little words can be used to describe almost every action it is possible to take within the heterosexual male's spectrum. Some examples:
 
Scratch, expel, and inflict: at least one of these three little words can be used to describe almost every action it is possible to take within the heterosexual male's spectrum. Some examples:
   
::'''''Scratch''''' yourself
+
::'''''Scratch''''' your own balls.
{{Tip|right|Remember: you've never tasted gin, you think crème de menthe is a Pacific island, and you've never even heard of kahlúa.}}
 
   
 
::'''''Expel''''' gases from one end and fluids from the other simultaneously - try mixing it up for best results
 
::'''''Expel''''' gases from one end and fluids from the other simultaneously - try mixing it up for best results
Line 18: Line 18:
 
::'''''Inflict''''' your grating laugh on everyone within earshot, ''especially'' if they found the thing you are laughing at dull and uninteresting
 
::'''''Inflict''''' your grating laugh on everyone within earshot, ''especially'' if they found the thing you are laughing at dull and uninteresting
   
Additionally, why not try having a slightly-too-right-wing friend accompany you from time to time? No-one will think you are gay if the person next to you comes out with ''"I'm not a bigot, but..."'' every five minutes.
+
Additionally, why not try having a slightly-too-left-wing friend accompany you from time to time? No-one will think you are gay if the person next to you comes out with ''"I'm not a coward, but..."'' every five minutes. (see [[sarcasm]])
  +
  +
If no slightly-too-left-wing friends are able to accompany you, an easy solution is ending all conversations with, ''"...which I can say because I have a gay friend."'' Because, obviously, if you ''have'' a gay friend, you can't possibly be gay yourself.
   
 
===In Private===
 
===In Private===
  +
{{Tip|right|Remember: you've never tasted gin, you think crème de menthe is a Pacific island, and you've never even heard of kahlúa.}}
   
 
:*'''DO''' Throw wild parties.
 
:*'''DO''' Throw wild parties.
   
:*'''''DON'T''''' Find the drug-bloated corpses of rent-boys floating in the pool the following morning - let someone else handle that.
+
:*'''''DON'T''''' Find the drug-bloated corpses of rent-boys floating in the pool the following morning - let someone else handle that.
  +
  +
You need to go to a party and find the ugliest chick there. If you show her how horrible you are in bed, she will brag about you anyway. Her self-esteem is already too low. Take full advantage and make sure your name is given around for your spectacular bed skills.{{ref|bed}} Do it soon.
   
 
===A Note on Personal Grooming===
 
===A Note on Personal Grooming===
Line 32: Line 33:
 
The hair on your head you may style, but not too much: appear too vain, and you'll start tongues wagging. You're only supposed to like that if a woman does it, so keep your style short, perhaps with a little wax or gel, but only ever refer to it as "stuff you put in your hair".
 
The hair on your head you may style, but not too much: appear too vain, and you'll start tongues wagging. You're only supposed to like that if a woman does it, so keep your style short, perhaps with a little wax or gel, but only ever refer to it as "stuff you put in your hair".
   
As for body hair, a trim (rather than a shave) is now acceptable for straight men in many parts of the world: but don't get caught plucking anything, and remember, should you ever be about to... you know... ugh... with a ''woman'', don't start swapping tips with her, or the whole thing becomes too much like a Sandra Bullock film.
+
As for body hair, a trim (rather than a shave) is now acceptable for straight men in many parts of the world: but don't get caught plucking anything, and remember, should you ever be about to... you know... ugh... with a ''woman'', don't start swapping tips with her, or the whole thing becomes too much like a Sandra Bullock film.
  +
  +
If shaving is demanded (by job or GIRLFRIEND) it should only be preformed every 5-7 days with soap and an old razor, beard trimming every 2-3 weeks(sideburns only when cutting hair with no.2 attachment). Under no circumstances should anything with "gel" in the name be used.
   
 
==Film and Television==
 
==Film and Television==
 
[[Image:450px-Judy Garland 1947 publ.jpg|thumb|right|250px|Like her cold, sightless gaze, she is dead to you now.]]
 
[[Image:450px-Judy Garland 1947 publ.jpg|thumb|right|250px|Like her cold, sightless gaze, she is dead to you now.]]
   
Reactions to popular culture are all-important. Get it right, or you might as well be singing ''Oklahoma!'' when everyone else is trying to watch ''Thoroughly Modern Milly.''
+
Reactions to popular culture are all-important. Get it right, or you might as well be singing ''Oklahoma!'' when everyone else is trying to watch ''Thoroughly Modern Millie.''
   
 
===The Silver Screen===
 
===The Silver Screen===
   
First of all, try to avoid calling it the "Silver Screen" - ''yes'', they did make 'em right way back when, but the modern heterosexual male enjoys the charms of "[[Alien v. Predator]]" - and ''yes'', you will be expected to make fatuous comments about how "great" the other films in those series were. Think of ''Alien'' as an allegory for being good to your mother, if you must, but never let that slip{{ref|al}}: and when watching ''The Predator'', ''do'' try not to drool over Arnie. It's just not done, love.
+
First of all, try to avoid calling it the "Silver Screen" - ''yes'', they did make 'em right way back when, but the modern heterosexual male enjoys the charms of "[[Alien vs. Predator]]" - and ''yes'', you will be expected to make fatuous comments about how "great" the other films in those series were. Think of ''Alien'' as an allegory for being good to your mother, if you must, but never let that slip{{ref|al}}: and when watching ''The Predator'', ''do'' try not to drool over Arnie. It's just not done, love.
   
Most importantly, whilst trying to convince others that you are indeed as straight as the day you were born{{ref|po}}, '''''you know nothing of the life and works of Judy Garland!!'''''
+
Most importantly, whilst trying to convince others that you are indeed as straight as the day you were born{{ref|po}}, '''''you know nothing of the life and works of Judy Garland!!''''' (Except maybe [[The Wizard of Oz]])
   
 
===The Small Screen===
 
===The Small Screen===
Line 49: Line 50:
 
If "TV" was confusing to you before, it's only going to get <s>harder</s> worse from now on. TV is also short for '''T'''ele'''V'''ision: depending on where in the world you are, it may also be called "Telly", but ''[[Bald|Kojak]]'' is an anachronistic icon to straight men too, so you should manage.
 
If "TV" was confusing to you before, it's only going to get <s>harder</s> worse from now on. TV is also short for '''T'''ele'''V'''ision: depending on where in the world you are, it may also be called "Telly", but ''[[Bald|Kojak]]'' is an anachronistic icon to straight men too, so you should manage.
   
Bad news, though: no more [[Grandmother|Samantha]], [[Ginger|Miranda]], [[Charlotte Brontë|Charlotte]] and [[wikipedia:List of big-nosed dwarves I would so totally do, in a heartbeat#Ferris Bueller's wife|<span style="color:#2A52BE">Carrie</span>]], and you'll have to throw out your brand-new ''[[Lost (TV series)|Lost]]'' DVD's.
+
Bad news, though: no more [[Grandmother|Samantha]], [[Ginger|Miranda]], [[Charlotte Brontë|Charlotte]] and [[Sarah Jessica Parker|Carrie]], and you'll have to throw out your brand-new ''[[Lost (TV series)|Lost]]'' DVD's.
   
But don't despair! As a heterosexual, you can be ill-mannered enough to simply ''download'' your favorite shows, including ''Lost''! You also still get to watch ''Buffy the Vampire Slayer''{{ref|An}}, ''CSI'' (except the gay one){{ref|CSI}} and ''[[HowTo:Construct a Federation Starship|Star Trek]]''. It's okay, you don't have to pretend to find Captain Janeway attractive. Straight men don't do that either.
+
But don't despair! As a heterosexual, you can be ill-mannered enough to simply ''download'' your favorite shows, including ''Lost''! You also still get to watch ''[[Buffy the Vampire Slayer]]''{{ref|An}}, ''[[CSI]]'' (except the gay one){{ref|CSI}} and ''[[HowTo:Construct a Federation Starship|Star Trek]]''. It's okay, you don't have to pretend to find Captain Janeway attractive. Straight men don't do that either.
   
 
==Music==
 
==Music==
Line 59: Line 60:
 
:*[[House|House Music]]
 
:*[[House|House Music]]
 
:*[[Brick|Hard House]]
 
:*[[Brick|Hard House]]
:*[[Wikipedia:Top Down Neck Craning Dolphin Splatter Fun|<span style="color:#2A52BE">Hardcore</span>]]
 
 
:*[[BDSM|Mr Whippy]]
 
:*[[BDSM|Mr Whippy]]
   
===Artistes to Avoid===
+
===Artists to Avoid===
   
Sad to say, some people's musical tastes are considered a little queer these days. It's so mean, isn't it? I mean some of these are just to ''die'' for:
+
Sad to say, some people's musical tastes are [[Why?:Have an alienating music taste|considered a little queer]] these days. It's so mean, isn't it? I mean some of these are just to ''die'' for:
   
 
:*[[Star Trek|Chaka Khan]]
 
:*[[Star Trek|Chaka Khan]]
 
:*[[Fear|Grace Jones]]
 
:*[[Fear|Grace Jones]]
 
:*[[People_with_distinguished_names#Gaylord_Perry|Gloria Gaynor]]
 
:*[[People_with_distinguished_names#Gaylord_Perry|Gloria Gaynor]]
  +
:*[[People_with_distinguished_names#Phyllis_McCracken|Celine Dion]]
  +
:*[[Cher]]
  +
:*[[Fecal Matter]]
  +
:*'''''[[Spice Girls]]'''''
  +
:*[[Michael Bolton]]
  +
:*[[James Blunt]]
  +
:*[[Anal Cunt]]
  +
:*<strike>[[Justine Bieber]]</strike> Justine's Beaver
  +
  +
===Artists to Listen to===
  +
:*[[Dir en grey]]
  +
:*[[Guns n' Roses]]
  +
:*[[Iron Maiden]]
  +
:*[[Megadeth]]
  +
:*[[Motorhead]]
  +
:*[[Led Zeppelin]]
  +
:*[[The Clash]]
  +
:*[[Spinal Tap]]
  +
:*[[Rage Against the Machine]]
  +
  +
Anything remotely related to the genre of :*[[Heavy Metal]]
  +
:*[[Barbra Streisand|BARBRA STREISAND!]]
   
 
==Fashion==
 
==Fashion==
Line 87: Line 109:
 
===A Note on Speech===
 
===A Note on Speech===
   
You no longer know the word ''"beastly"''.
+
You no longer know the word ''"beastly"'' or ''"fierce"''. You will never use "fabulous", "meany", "thingy" or "poopy", ever again.
   
 
===The Written Word===
 
===The Written Word===
   
For crying out loud, love, ''try'' to avoid emotionally emphasizing the written word, as people might think you [[Oscar Wilde|camp]]. Another think you might like to bear in mind is that, usually, a well-thought-out, properly punctuated, grammatically correct style which precludes direct communication at the (somewhat ''modest'') cost of using flowery, obtuse, opaque or even, (''dare'' we!), obsolescent{{ref|teen}} language or modes of speech, can make one seem more of an elderly homo than one would wish to appear. For further examples of [[Wikipedia:Easy, Tiger!|<span style="color:#2A52BE">no-no's</span>]] and ''faux-pas''{{ref|kl}}, here's a handy selection of '''Do's''' and '''Don'ts''':
+
For crying out loud, love, ''try'' to avoid emotionally emphasizing the written word, as people might think you [[Oscar Wilde|camp]]. Another thing you might like to [[bear]] in mind is that, usually, a well-thought-out, properly punctuated, grammatically correct style which precludes direct communication at the (somewhat ''modest'') cost of using flowery, obtuse, opaque or even, (''dare'' we!), obsolescent{{ref|teen}} language or modes of speech, can make one seem more of an elderly homo than one would wish to appear. For further examples of [[Wikipedia:Easy, Tiger!|<span style="color:#2A52BE">no-no's</span>]] and ''fausses-pas''{{ref|kl}}, here's a handy selection of '''Do's''' and '''Don'ts''':
   
::'''DO''' Use words that are short, one sound, sort of thing, like a real man do.
+
::'''DO''' Use words that are short, a one sound sort of thing, like a real man would do.
   
 
{{Tip|right|In the UK, a '''fag''' is a cigarette, and a '''sailor''' is a homosexual. Use this while out and about in Portsmouth or Plymouth.}}
 
{{Tip|right|In the UK, a '''fag''' is a cigarette, and a '''sailor''' is a homosexual. Use this while out and about in Portsmouth or Plymouth.}}
Line 100: Line 122:
 
::'''DO''' Boast of how unclean and ill-mannered [[Special:MyPage|you]] are.
 
::'''DO''' Boast of how unclean and ill-mannered [[Special:MyPage|you]] are.
   
::'''DON'T''' Use words like ''"bareback"'', ''"stallion"'' or ''"stable-boy"'' - straight men don't know a ''thing'' about equestrianism.
+
::'''DO''' Use words like ''"bareback"'', ''"stallion"'' or ''"stable-boy"'' - straight men know about all ''things'' equestrian and talk about it all the time.
   
 
::'''DON'T''' Write about [[The Hooded Anus|male bottoms]] or [[ADI v. Brown|prosthetic phalli]] - ''especially'' if there will be pictures with the text.
 
::'''DON'T''' Write about [[The Hooded Anus|male bottoms]] or [[ADI v. Brown|prosthetic phalli]] - ''especially'' if there will be pictures with the text.
Line 114: Line 136:
 
:::'''b)''' ''Tell her '''Brad''' is such a bitch, whilst trying to get his cellphone number?''
 
:::'''b)''' ''Tell her '''Brad''' is such a bitch, whilst trying to get his cellphone number?''
   
:::'''c)''' ''Say: "Hey, aren't you '''Jennifer Aniston's''' tits and ass?" and offer to get her "really loaded", whilst trying to see if she is wearing underwear?
+
:::'''c)''' ''Say: "Hey, aren't you '''Jennifer Aniston's''' tits and ass?" and offer to get her "really loaded", whilst trying to see if she is wearing a G-string?
   
 
If you answered '''a)''' or '''b)''', go back to the start of this guide and try harder, not more fabulously!
 
If you answered '''a)''' or '''b)''', go back to the start of this guide and try harder, not more fabulously!
   
If you answered '''c)''', get out there and impersonate a straight man, you waste of [[Chickenbox|hot cock]] you!
+
If you answered '''c)''', get out there and impersonate a straight man, you waste of [[Chickenbox|hot cock]], you!
   
==See Also==
+
==See also==
   
 
* [[Tom Cruise]]
 
* [[Tom Cruise]]
 
* [[Biggles]]
 
* [[Biggles]]
  +
* <s>HowTo:Convince People You're a Heterosexual Female</s> — just kidding. All you'd really need to do is sleep around. Done!
   
 
==Footnotes==
 
==Footnotes==
   
 
#{{note|le}}Such as ''those'' are. Unless you're a lesbian. Well, maybe if you really practice.
 
#{{note|le}}Such as ''those'' are. Unless you're a lesbian. Well, maybe if you really practice.
  +
#{{note|bed}}You wish.
 
#{{note|al}}If you do, all is not lost. Just add ''"in case she tries to destroy you in a massive thermonuclear detonation"'', and all is well again.
 
#{{note|al}}If you do, all is not lost. Just add ''"in case she tries to destroy you in a massive thermonuclear detonation"'', and all is well again.
 
#{{note|po}} ie: Uneducated.
 
#{{note|po}} ie: Uneducated.
Line 138: Line 162:
 
#{{note|ins}}Remember, Heterosexual men like to insert things too - sometimes even into the same places! Just not with you, sweetie.
 
#{{note|ins}}Remember, Heterosexual men like to insert things too - sometimes even into the same places! Just not with you, sweetie.
   
{{vfh}}
+
{{FA|revision=1365252|date=3 January 2007}}

Latest revision as of 21:28, February 8, 2013

Gorillatrans HowTo 
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
Tip

Visibly expressing confusion bordering on disgust at women with shaved heads and men with long hair works wonders for your straight-man public image.

“Oh, this is just what I needed.”
~ You on This Page

Ever wondered if your sexuality is holding you back from such diverse experiences as blue-collar work, having a partner you have to cheat on one week in four, or owning the same cellphone two years in a row?

Well, don't fret. I'm gay too! With this handy guide you'll be able to experience all the joys of heterosexual life![1]

Fonz

Fonzie never had wet dreams about muscular men. Why not be more like him? Eyyyy!

edit In Public

Scratch, expel, and inflict: at least one of these three little words can be used to describe almost every action it is possible to take within the heterosexual male's spectrum. Some examples:

Scratch your own balls.
Expel gases from one end and fluids from the other simultaneously - try mixing it up for best results
Inflict your grating laugh on everyone within earshot, especially if they found the thing you are laughing at dull and uninteresting

Additionally, why not try having a slightly-too-left-wing friend accompany you from time to time? No-one will think you are gay if the person next to you comes out with "I'm not a coward, but..." every five minutes. (see sarcasm)

If no slightly-too-left-wing friends are able to accompany you, an easy solution is ending all conversations with, "...which I can say because I have a gay friend." Because, obviously, if you have a gay friend, you can't possibly be gay yourself.

edit In Private

Tip

Remember: you've never tasted gin, you think crème de menthe is a Pacific island, and you've never even heard of kahlúa.

  • DO Throw wild parties.
  • DON'T Find the drug-bloated corpses of rent-boys floating in the pool the following morning - let someone else handle that.

You need to go to a party and find the ugliest chick there. If you show her how horrible you are in bed, she will brag about you anyway. Her self-esteem is already too low. Take full advantage and make sure your name is given around for your spectacular bed skills.[2] Do it soon.

edit A Note on Personal Grooming

Wash thoroughly and occasionally, rather than little and often. In time, you will develop a musk.

The hair on your head you may style, but not too much: appear too vain, and you'll start tongues wagging. You're only supposed to like that if a woman does it, so keep your style short, perhaps with a little wax or gel, but only ever refer to it as "stuff you put in your hair".

As for body hair, a trim (rather than a shave) is now acceptable for straight men in many parts of the world: but don't get caught plucking anything, and remember, should you ever be about to... you know... ugh... with a woman, don't start swapping tips with her, or the whole thing becomes too much like a Sandra Bullock film.

If shaving is demanded (by job or GIRLFRIEND) it should only be preformed every 5-7 days with soap and an old razor, beard trimming every 2-3 weeks(sideburns only when cutting hair with no.2 attachment). Under no circumstances should anything with "gel" in the name be used.

edit Film and Television

450px-Judy Garland 1947 publ

Like her cold, sightless gaze, she is dead to you now.

Reactions to popular culture are all-important. Get it right, or you might as well be singing Oklahoma! when everyone else is trying to watch Thoroughly Modern Millie.

edit The Silver Screen

First of all, try to avoid calling it the "Silver Screen" - yes, they did make 'em right way back when, but the modern heterosexual male enjoys the charms of "Alien vs. Predator" - and yes, you will be expected to make fatuous comments about how "great" the other films in those series were. Think of Alien as an allegory for being good to your mother, if you must, but never let that slip[3]: and when watching The Predator, do try not to drool over Arnie. It's just not done, love.

Most importantly, whilst trying to convince others that you are indeed as straight as the day you were born[4], you know nothing of the life and works of Judy Garland!! (Except maybe The Wizard of Oz)

edit The Small Screen

If "TV" was confusing to you before, it's only going to get harder worse from now on. TV is also short for TeleVision: depending on where in the world you are, it may also be called "Telly", but Kojak is an anachronistic icon to straight men too, so you should manage.

Bad news, though: no more Samantha, Miranda, Charlotte and Carrie, and you'll have to throw out your brand-new Lost DVD's.

But don't despair! As a heterosexual, you can be ill-mannered enough to simply download your favorite shows, including Lost! You also still get to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer[5], CSI (except the gay one)[6] and Star Trek. It's okay, you don't have to pretend to find Captain Janeway attractive. Straight men don't do that either.

edit Music

Try to avoid anything with a beat that could be described as "pumping". The word "pumping" originated as gay slang, and meant "Good Morrow also to Thee, sirrah, for I as well am a homosexualist". This means the following styles (or any combination thereof) are right out:

edit Artists to Avoid

Sad to say, some people's musical tastes are considered a little queer these days. It's so mean, isn't it? I mean some of these are just to die for:

edit Artists to Listen to

Anything remotely related to the genre of :*Heavy Metal

edit Fashion

Quentincrisp1

Fashion can be so hard to get right.

The world of fashion is a tricky one for all varieties of Man. Thomas Paine wrote "The Rights of Man", not "Man: He Looks Great, He Feels Great", and thus the Free World was born.[7]

edit Men's Fashions

Men's fashions: ooh, tricky! Too little knowledge, and you're waist-deep in spats, luminous socks and combat trousers[8] - too much knowledge, and your only hope is to take five gay men with you when you go shopping. If you are a gay man, hoping to masquerade as a straight man, this is not a good idea: that's five Gaydar units pointed right at you, and a whole lotta' temptation.

edit Women's Fashions

Women's fashions are like a swimming pool, albeit one with a funny smell centered over the mid-point of the diving pool, probably caused by the air conditioning. You can go there, but you'll probably only go occasionally, perhaps because swimming is a lazy way to work out, plus you get to see women in their swimming costumes. Even if they are all dogs.

edit Dialogue

edit A Note on Speech

You no longer know the word "beastly" or "fierce". You will never use "fabulous", "meany", "thingy" or "poopy", ever again.

edit The Written Word

For crying out loud, love, try to avoid emotionally emphasizing the written word, as people might think you camp. Another thing you might like to bear in mind is that, usually, a well-thought-out, properly punctuated, grammatically correct style which precludes direct communication at the (somewhat modest) cost of using flowery, obtuse, opaque or even, (dare we!), obsolescent[9] language or modes of speech, can make one seem more of an elderly homo than one would wish to appear. For further examples of no-no's and fausses-pas[10], here's a handy selection of Do's and Don'ts:

DO Use words that are short, a one sound sort of thing, like a real man would do.
Tip

In the UK, a fag is a cigarette, and a sailor is a homosexual. Use this while out and about in Portsmouth or Plymouth.

DO Write about boobies, tits, and chuffs. If you find this distasteful, just pretend you're writing a birdwatching manual. You may well have bought a few of those over the years, to take with you on "long walks" in the "countryside" that would "tire out" your elderly mother, so just copy out the text at random and insert[11] the occasional line about cheap petrochemical lager.
DO Boast of how unclean and ill-mannered you are.
DO Use words like "bareback", "stallion" or "stable-boy" - straight men know about all things equestrian and talk about it all the time.
DON'T Write about male bottoms or prosthetic phalli - especially if there will be pictures with the text.

edit So Now You're Straight!

Nearly: here's a quick test for you -

You are at a fancy party somewhere in Hollywood, when Jennifer Aniston approaches you. Do you:
a) Compliment her on her dress and ask for her autograph?
b) Tell her Brad is such a bitch, whilst trying to get his cellphone number?
c) Say: "Hey, aren't you Jennifer Aniston's tits and ass?" and offer to get her "really loaded", whilst trying to see if she is wearing a G-string?

If you answered a) or b), go back to the start of this guide and try harder, not more fabulously!

If you answered c), get out there and impersonate a straight man, you waste of hot cock, you!

edit See also

  • Tom Cruise
  • Biggles
  • HowTo:Convince People You're a Heterosexual Female — just kidding. All you'd really need to do is sleep around. Done!

edit Footnotes

  1. ^ Such as those are. Unless you're a lesbian. Well, maybe if you really practice.
  2. ^ You wish.
  3. ^ If you do, all is not lost. Just add "in case she tries to destroy you in a massive thermonuclear detonation", and all is well again.
  4. ^  ie: Uneducated.
  5. ^  But not Angel, which ought to be obvious even to you.
  6. ^  You know the one I mean.
  7. ^  To live a shameful lie.
  8. ^ But you'll still have those killer abs. Oh, I could eat off those! Fabulous.
  9. ^ So like "adolescent"... scrummy.
  10. ^ Unbelievably, it turns out this is French, not Klingon. Who knew? Other than the French, obviously. I don't have it in for them. I don't! Oh, you're mean. You're such a meany! Meany. So... how about lunch next week, big boy?
  11. ^ Remember, Heterosexual men like to insert things too - sometimes even into the same places! Just not with you, sweetie.

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