HowTo:Construct a Federation Starship

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“That's no starship. It's a- no, wait, it's a starship. ”
~ Obi-wan Kenobi on Federation Starships.
“What's the emission?”
~ Al Gore on the completion of his starship.

Constructing a Federation Starship is not an easy task and should not be undertaken by those who are faint of heart, suffer from a heart condition, the poor or those below a Trekkie level of 15. If you pass these criteria, you are free to proceed and should encounter no problems.

StarshipDummies

Getting Started - Hardhat Required

Ussenterpriseblueprint

My ship is impressive eh? Nah, just kidding, it's CGI.

Tip

Avoid ALL regions which could result in your death. This could result in your spouse or significant other taking over your starship and turning it into a pansy garden.

Talk to your local real estate agent to acquire a number of acres of land to construct your starship on. The following regions are highly not recommended for construction of a Federation starship.

  • Downtown New York City
  • Oceans
  • The Arctic/Antarctica - The heating costs will double your bill. Despite what you think, banks have limits on loans. Don't push it.
  • Tornadic regions - especially Kansas
  • Radioactive regions
  • Nature reserves - The constant complaints from Greenpeace will be more annoying than calibrating the navigational deflector to a proper frequency.
  • New Orleans - Starships don't float, and they don't have levees either!
  • Mars - What the hell will you need a starship for? You're already there!
  • Your Back Yard - Mothers have a terrible time believing you can't get a job and move your ass out of their basement when you're building a starship...
  • Area 51 - Although, if you plan to build a Klingon star ship, the black helicopters may be thought of as free target practice rather than an annoyance.

Once you have your area selected you need a hefty sum of money. Unless you are God, you will require another HowTo method. Some good recommendations are HowTo:Leech off the government, HowTo:Brainwash the Americans for Fun and Profit and HowTo:Make lots of money. If you wish to go the legal and 'proper' way, it is recommended you leave your seat and get a job.

Tools

You will require the following tools when constructing your starship. Your local Wal Mart should contain all the items you require. Don't forget to pick up a carton of milk and those shoes your daughter wanted too.

  • Hammer
  • Cordless drill - Constant wire snag can cause many problems.
  • Self-sealing stem bolts - Unfortunately, Wal Mart does not feature such items. The telemarketer that calls every day should be more than happy to supply you with some if you sit through a 2 hour seminar on timeshares in the Andes.
  • Staples - In the absence of these, paperclips or Post-It Notes should be sufficient.
  • Beer
  • Duct tape
  • A pet goldfish - We know you're a nerd and don't have any friends. And who's gonna call the hospital if you pop your eye out with a hammer? Besides, the Enterprise had a Humuhumunukunukuapua'a avatar, so why can't your ship have a fish?
  • Glue - Lots of it. )
Tip

Home Depot always accepts registrations from Microsoft.

  • Pens - You'll lose them everyday. Don't be surprised to find one blocking a power conduit when your ship is up and running.
  • Paper - This is to sheet the exterior of your starship and a pair of scissors to cut out some nice illuminators. Color paper will do fine.
  • Antimatter

For construction supplies, contact Home Depot and register yourself as a large company. This way you receive discounts on orders and you'll get instant deliveries free of charge. This will allow you to afford fancy air fresheners around your ship.

Drydock

NASA does not like 'secondary organizations' forming installations around Earth's orbit. Unless you are an astronaut and work on the International Space Station, you must construct your drydock on Earth. Although an Adamantium/Titanium alloy with Tritium particulates would greatly help, a concrete slab will suffice.

When you develop your slab, make sure to hire Rent-a-Cops to patrol your slab and put up a chain-link fence. Teenagers like to use concrete slabs for skateparks and graffiti which costs you money, while younger kids tend to steal construction materials to make their forts. You're going to be seeing titanium treeforts going up all around the neighborhood, some complete with phaser banks, if you aren't smart enough to hire security.

Blueprints

Janeway Season1

Captain Janeway relied on professionals to design her starship, which resulted in her ship spawning shuttles out of nowhere. Follow her example.

ECHinEngineering

The EMH designed his own ship, which resulted in his ship spontaneously combusting. Don't follow his example.

As much as you desire to have a USS Voyager or USS Enterprise, don't fully rely on the Star Trek show for making blueprints. What the set designers don't want you to know is that they make their corridors in an endless circle. We are making a starship, not a circular tower.

Rather than searching the internet for crap, take some time to search some Star Trek sites like Memory Alpha or one of the many 'blueprint' sites. After you find a blueprint of your choice, call your local starship designer and have him or her confirm your choice and design the full ship.

DO NOT DESIGN YOUR OWN SHIP. By doing so, you will not have a person to leech money from in court and will not be able to buy those air fresheners that have been mentioned prior. There's also a risk of your ship being destroyed due to your misplaced judgment. DO NOT think that something is in place if it 'looks like it is', no matter what kind of Trekkie you are. Lastly, never ever use a kitbash design, especially if you are designing a Cheyenne class vessel. Extra-large nacelle-like markers are hard to come by and take Crayola 2 months to manufacture, each.

Framing

A starship's strength is only as good as its framing. When ordering materials for your ship's frame, try to order the strongest, most technologically advanced frames possible. A tritanium/duranium alloy coated with phaser-resistant molybdenum is always a good choice and comes in handy during a battle, although others prefer aluminum/neodymium nanotech composites for their weight. Otherwise, titanium is a good bet, assuming you have the advanced engineering degree needed to weld high-temperature alloys. If, however, these materials are unavailable at the local Home Depot, then you can use two-by-fours and plywood.

Lay out the two-by-fours according to the plans (the helpful staff at Home Depot can cut them to length) and then secure them using screws. DO NOT use nails! Nails have a tendency to come loose while accelerating to high warp velocity. Add some glue to make sure you've got a good, tight joint. This will ensure a full seal and keeps the air in your ship from escaping into space. Once all the frames are together, you'll require a force field generator to strengthen the bonds of the frame. If you don't have a generator, use more glue, or duct tape if available. Then, attach the plywood. After the plywood is attached- again, use screws, not roofing nails- you'll want to plug all the holes with putty and then coat the outside with at least two, maybe three layers of varnish to make it vacuum-tight.

Remember, if you do go with the wood construction, your ship is going to go up like a box full of matches when it gets hit by a phaser. Modified Borg nanoprobes should help fight the fire; failing that, simply install plenty of smoke detectors and have fire extinguishers placed by all the doors. If fire extinguishers are too expensive for your budget, place buckets beside each door instead and travel around planets with considerable amounts of water.

Components - Will and Lawyer required

Computer Core

One of the first things you will require in your starship is a computer core, or two if you're paranoid of viruses. Three or more cores means you're overdoing it and need to return back to the Blueprint section or learn to step out of your computer room once in a while. Computer cores however are NOT to be confused with a regular computer for playing games like pong on or something like that (but not something like "Zap," if you get the intense urge to play that just shoot meteors with you phasers).

It is highly recommended you DO NOT use a Macintosh operating system. There are 47,049,342 known problems in OS X, all known by many alien species. Also, you are likely to be made fun of for the 'i' the OS will put in front of your ships name, in all captain logs, official documents, etc. Plus, no one wants a giant Apple logo on the back of your starship - a waste of power and the Klingons believe this enough reason to tractor your ship in and give you the finger (10 or more Klingons doing so is enough to kill you while feeling like you're getting an anal probe via harpoon). We recommend you use the new Windows 7: Starship Edition computer system, or, if you still don't have a job, Windows Vista will work; Linux will not, no matter what the Penguin says. We REALLY REALLY want your spaceship to crash... oh, shouldn't I have said that? Make sure to include a watchdog program too, your crew is most likely going to search for porn most of the time during their free time, especially in the holodeck. If you're guilty of this, ignore everything I just said and quench your lewd urges.

Engineering

What is the one thing a starship needs to run? A strong engine along with an over-elaborate and over-sized engine room. All engineering rooms are built in comparison to the size of their respective starship using this formula:

\frac{Length of Starship+Size of Warp Core/2}{NacelleSize^{2}+1} - \log{DeflectorType} * \sin{WarpFieldSize}

This also translates into:

2+2=5

Tip

If you have no morals at all, feel free to steal engines from cars from your neighborhood and hold them for ransom. The money you receive will be more than enough to get that Ferrari or Hummer, along with a spare engine.

Once this is decided, have your workers build engineering, or, if you still don't have enough money, do it yourself, then find a job or sell some vegetables in front of your house if you still have one.

Now you require an engine for your ship, a strong engine. Rather than going all out and buying an engine from a Hummer or Ferrari or Cyberdyne, go to the Kennedy Space Center between 2 AM and 2:15 AM and steal an experimental Warp Core that they don't want you to know about, along with a Ferrari or some fast automobile owned by one of the KSC's employees; this will be explained later. It usually helps to have some kind of knowledge of science, but if you follow this guide, you should be fine. Next, you'll require matter and antimatter. Matter is simple, that casserole you left at the back of your fridge some years ago will do, along with your old wedding cake.

10wheelcar a

Although this is the 'fast' car you need, don't overkill it.

Acquiring antimatter is a different story and is definitely not for the faint of heart, and especially those who have had a heart attack within the past two weeks, are suffering constant headaches and/or diarrhea and are currently taking medication. You will need to steal nuclear waste from your local nuclear power plant. DO NOT take a back door, the security guards are expecting you to come through the back doors, despite what you think, you can easily steal nuclear byproducts by simply going through the front door. If your actions cause a nuclear meltdown, or you trip an alarm, that's where the Ferrari or fast automobile comes in handy. You could also use that automobile to purchase Chlorine pool pucks, which also work in place for antimatter.
Tip

Pick up some algaecide too, your pool's water is turning green.

Once engineering is all set up, test fire your engine and listen to it purr. As is the standard in Star Trek, a console or conduit will explode when you test something, and you'll most likely be caught in the explosion. Thus, it's time to construct a Sickbay.



Sickbay

You feel that stinging sensation wrapped around your uvula after the explosion? Little is it known that as it stings more, you're getting closer to death, hence you're working on your first deadline - literally. We're trying to make a Sickbay, not a morgue, so don't disappoint me.

Tip

If you can, acquire a plastic surgeon specializing in breast or buttocks augmentation. This does wonders for crew morale.

You'll require medical equipment, and thus you need to steal stuff again. Locate the closest abandoned medical facility, preferably an abandoned hospital, though a doctor's office will do. Make sure to take as much as you can before the hobos living in the building gang-up on you. If you can, try to steal some radioactive materials, as you recall, the stuff does wonders with the warp core and gives it that nice blue glow. DO NOT throw the radioactive casing out, you want to make lawsuits, not have others make lawsuits on you.

By now, the burns on your body have incinerated 30% of your body, hence you need a doctor or two. Find some local doctors and offer them more money than what they're already being paid. If they don't agree, knock them out and take them to your ship and brainwash them by shining 4 lights into their eyes and making them believe they see 5. Once this is successful, have the doctors fix you up. Congratulations, you have your first crew!

Bathroom Design

You may think planning out the location of bathrooms is crucial and an important component to crew health and morale. You are wrong. Have you ever seen a toilet in these types of programs? This is because the Enterprise herself had only a single bathroom. The 24th century is all about being efficient. Additional bathrooms are unnecessary. Long lines are avoided on a starship by use of the 'Transporter'. During beaming, waste is removed from the body and recycled. We'll get to that later.

The Bridge

You may be wondering 'what's the hump of hull at the top of the saucer'? No, it's not a goiter, it's where your Bridge is going. If you failed to answer this right, I recommend you get out your old Trek tapes or spend a thousand dollars or so on the DVDs.

The Bridge is where most of the action is going to be, along with the place you'll be for many hours, so don't use eyesore paint colors. When you design your Bridge, you will require the following stations/objects:

  • Glue - I told you to buy lots earlier, I really hate repeating myself.
  • Debris - For dramatic effect later. (This is to fly out at opportune times during space battles ridding you of those pesky ensigns that are always trying to get your attention.)
  • Operations - No, they won't be performing surgeries on your Bridge, they control power consumption and basic ship...operations.
  • Helm - They make the ship go, if you fail to include one of these, you need to stop while you're ahead.
  • Alert system - You'll need some sort of ship-wide intercom system, flashing message lights, and a really loud klaxon in order to sound General Quarters, the Blue Alert, the Yellow Alert, and (when real trouble arrives) the Red Alert. Other colors are optional, but try not to go overboard. Basic and effective is best.
  • Tactical - Weapons: enough said.
  • Engineering - Though it's not really needed, most Chief Engineers want this station so they can impress you or the Captain with their engineering expertise.
  • Science
  • Captain's Chair - YOU (and your goldfish) need this. This is your chair, so make sure everybody can see it. Even though you want to save money, don't rely on IKEA for chairs, the least you can do is go to Sears. Or if you still don't have that job go to a flea-market. And remember to include one for your first mate and his ho- your counselor, or else they will steal your chair.

Using the blueprints, put everything together and interconnect everything with the power matrix from the warp core and the computer. Test run everything, and pray to God that you don't encounter another explosion. Make sure you get a fancy carpet and a lot of lights, this impresses Starfleet officers, which increases enlistment. It also impresses the Starfleet brass, which results in more money, which results in a better starship. All of this money spending works out at the end, I guarantee it.

Guarantee is void.

Nonetheless, all that matters in the end is that you place blinking lights in various locations around the bridge. Especially those ones that are always underneath the bridge's viewscreen. People, for some reason, find them cool and should help you in hiring that bridge crew you've always wanted.

Loading bar blue

Bridge Examples

Unsure of what your Bridge should look like? Use our guide!

The Good

TMPBridge

Not bad, but you over recruited and hired a bad tailor.

TNGBridge

Very impressive (cheating Ensign not included).

EnterpriseBridge

Now you're just showing off.

Villain-chair

Now, THIS is a chair. But be sure to glue it down (remember LOTS)

The Bad

YearofHellBridge

Forcefields for walls? Fire your contractor.

GenerationsBridge

When I said 'have your seat stand out', I didn't mean like this.

EquinoxBridge

Now you're just wasting money.

The Sad

Voyagerflat

I don't know what's sadder, someone making their flat into this, or someone else paying £500k for it. Check out the kettle and kitchen sink - no Earl Grey in the replicator here!

B-bridge

No starship should have a bridge made of stone.

The Ugly

UglyBridge

Perhaps you should lay off the crack.

Rockett

Results may vary. Batteries not included.

Now that you have your two main sections done, you can get on with the 'fun' sections of the starship.

Power Sources

The power system is the most necessary component of your Federation starship, and it requires multiple power sources to function correctly. Common power source choices include:

  • Warp Core: Needed for the warp drive, which warps the entire space/time continuum around your ship (considered to be the safest method of propulsion). Uses a matter/antimatter reaction that is regulated by dilithium crystals, these are found in all standard rechargeable AA batteries.
  • Fusion Reactors: By extracting the core of a star (very simple) and reducing its mass to fit within a working plasma conduit, the resulting fusion-based reactor will be enough to power your other systems.
  • Naquadah Generator: One of these is equivalent to several fusion reactors, due to the high-energy yield of naquadah fuel. Also, they are small enough to fit in a suitcase. Using multiple Naquadah Generators can power your weapons with enough energy to do an enormous amount of damage. Beware its overload function.
  • Naquadria Reactor: Similar to the Naquadah Generator, but uses it's totally pimped out brother element, naquadria. Is twice as large, but can produce as much power as 12 Naquadah Generators. Also requires a Big-ass buffer, or it will spontaneously explode creating a bigger explosion than a Mark IX Gatebuster.
  • Asgard Power Core: These are much more powerful than Naquadah Generators and generate near absurd amounts of power. May be difficult to locate an Asgard parts shop still in business, but remember that the black market never fails.
  • Z.P.M. (Zero Point Module): Very small and generates absurd amounts of power. It creates a self-contained region of subspace/time to harness the very energy of nothingness. Very rare and hard to find. Also tends to be only good for one (1) superweapon shot, unless plot lines demand that it fail later.
  • Numerous Giant Hamster Wheels: Very impractible. Best you not use this, no matter how cute it may be. Best used with the Energiser Bunny.
  • Gas Powered Generator: Found at your local Home Repo.
  • Baked Beans: A Variant of the Gas Powered Generator, but needs a bio-conversion system (like a human stomach).
  • Dark Matter Generator: Only available from Stroggi outlets. (Warning: bolt down anything within a 10 meter radius).
  • Kryptonite: A super fuel source with the side effect of repelling Jor-el.
  • The All-Spark: Source of all robotic life in the universe. Has severe attracting properties to Megabum and his decepta-hood.
  • Rocket Fuel. Despite its name and primary use in pre-warp cultures, the minimal amount of energy makes this fuel worthless for any space travel. Avoid.

Mix-and-match sources as you desire to create three power subsystems: primary power, auxiliary power, and emergency power. Anything more is just going overboard. Primary power is what supports your ship in peacetime, but as this is usually the first component to go offline in a battle, we have auxiliary power to pick up the slack. Emergency power should be installed in case Engineering is assimilated by Borg or a telepathic plant, and at the very least you need working lights.

Optional Components - Coffee Required

Airlock

Tip

Typically, an airlock goes on the exterior edges of the ship. Crew don't appreciate walking through 5 airlocks to get from point A to point B experiencing constant repressurization routines, especially with the 1/3 chance of pressure failure. (You didn't hear that from me though).

Although this seems like an unimportant area on your ship, you will require an airlock or five. If you constantly watch Star Trek, you know your transporter will malfunction at least ten times during the starship's life. If somebody wants to visit your ship or board it to destroy your airlock to create damage for fun (you know those teenagers), you will most definitely require an airlock. Typically an airlock looks like this:

[o()o] (Scaled 1/(1*[1*[5/298465]))

The central circle contains your drug stash. Got your attention now? It's the door actually. Make sure it can be repressurized! Planets do not appreciate their ambassadors being suffocated in airlocks, and neither do redshirts.

The small circles provide fuel and air feeds for your ship. Beware, don't look away from the gas or oxygen fueler when refueling, the price skyrockets fast and you don't want to refuel higher than you can afford. Starship maintenance is not cheap like that pornographic DVD you bought on EBay, fuel prices are high and staying high, face it.



Arboretum

Ah, remember that one episode of The Next Generation where everybody degenerated into creatures? Most of those creatures hid in the arboretum. There's an inner child in us who wants to retreat somewhere, and the arboretum is the place to go. Contact your local botanist and collect a selection of fine flowers. DO NOT GET ROSES, it's too cliche. Additionally, red roses signify sex, which will turn your arboretum into an orgasm zone. The only way to stop that from happening would be to turn off that watchdog program you installed (IF you listened to me, and are listening, which if you aren't, you need to just blow up your starship and jump off a cliff) and let your crew download porn or prong in the holodeck. To create more flowers on your own without spending the money, grab that beehive on the eavestrough and put it in your garden. The stinging/beauty ratio will greatly benefit for you and your crew, until the room becomes a beehive of itself. Just make sure to keep that radioactive material away from the beehive, or you'll have bees running your ship and turning you and your crew into slaves. This is very bad for morale, and especially those allergic to honey.

Armory

Although this is an optional inclusion in your starship, it is highly recommended you add an armory. This allows you to protect your ship, crew (though I would make them protect themselves while you escape), your jewels and your Pokemon card collection. Good, welcome to the most fun of your life, the creation of your armory.

Explodey

FEEL IT! THE FIREPOWER!

Tip

If you're thinking of relying on the United States, you might as well end now. Ever heard of IRS Burger? They make a mean Quarter Taxer with cheese, but they'll hunt you down and put a $50 fine on your back.

An armory is simple to design, but there's one key fact. You need firepower. There are a number of locations where you can retrieve weaponry.

  • Canada - This is your key location. Little do people realize that Canada contains the most deadly weapons in the world, not to mention a working government. Strike some deals and your armory will be full of deadly firearms.
  • Iraq - Don't listen to pacifists, there ARE weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Make it your mission to find them. If you come out alive, people will fear your ship.
  • North Korea - The ammunition is great, but get the guns elsewhere.
  • Beans - After eating enough beans, your ass can supply its own firepower!
  • Australia - Those guys down under make a great kangaroo launcher. Watch the enemy run in fear as you unleash wave-after-wave of rabid kangaroos.
  • Wikipedia - Look at all the free weaponry: M61 Vulcans (though Vulcans as torpedoes suffice), AIM-54 Phoenix rockets, and P90s. Wikipedia, the free weaponry anybody can acquire.
  • Planet Battlefield - Hell yeah! Lots o stuff to choose from!
Enzo Aquarius takes no responsibility if your weaponry is vandalized.


Briefing Room

Briefing room TOS

This is where you wish you hired a crew, had an artistic talent and had this guide.

Before television, Star Trek and video porn, people led active lives, now they're just lazy. Your briefing room, though being the place where you 'brief' your crew, will be considered relief by those who are continuously standing on duty.

Tip

Putting some idiography, fast cars or Seinfeld on the television after or during the briefing greatly helps.

Whenever you design a briefing room, make sure it has a 60" high-definition plasma television. Never do the briefing in person, do it in your quarters and brief them via the television, they will always listen. Make sure to always include extremely comfortable recliners, along with beer holders and coolers. If you have enough money, replace this with a replicator, but be prepared to have a room full of scraps and left-over food and condoms. Additionally, never ever place the bathroom near the briefing room. Torture your crew by forcing them to run down 10 decks, only to find the toilet's out of order and laugh as you use the Captain's personal bathroom on the same deck as the briefing room.

Lastly, never place a window in the briefing room. Sitting in a recliner while watching the stars go by causes acute Hyper-Accelerated Monochromohavitazamalineation. This causes explosive vomiting and unstoppable diarrhea. So unless you hired a janitor crew, you would have a messy job. However, by following these instructions, you can avoid such actions. Aren't you glad you bought this guide from a second-hand store?

Mess Hall

Tip

Grieving families of KIA officers love hams, so give them a ham from that supermarket across the street, they're on sale for $5.00. Better than giving a $1000 pay check.

My calculations show that, by now, you should be hungry, unless you're a cyborg. If you're a cyborg, you have all of this programmed in your mind beside the 'Kill all Humans' file.

The Mess Hall should always be placed in a forward section of the ship. Thus, when under attack, it's always damaged, and those lazy Ensigns who are sitting in there drinking coffee instead of being at their station are killed. The fewer pay checks, the better.

When you make your Mess Hall, figure out how many people can occupy the room legally from your local fire department, then only put half that number of seats in the hall. Then, when the crew are complaining, make them donate money for more chairs. Once you reach the legal limit, add more. You're probably going to be light years from the nearest police station so who cares?

The most important part of your Mess Hall is the bar. If you set up a standard bar, expect celebrities with satellites for hats to submit resumes for being a server. DO NOT make a galley, you'll most likely receive a whiny server who'll destroy your private eating quarters in order to design a kitchen. After this, your ship will be declared a fire hazard - if it isn't one already.

Holodeck

Tip

Note: Despite what they may try to tell you, real matter does not disappear when the holodeck program ends. Clean-up is a must. Always be sure to keep of log of who used the holodeck and when and start charging people to use it if necessary.

Humans love pleasure, hence if you don't have a holodeck, you might as well kill yourself by depressurizing the shuttle bay immediately (For tips on how to do so, please see HowTo:Kill Yourself through Depressurization). A holodeck is essential for any crew, no matter the size of your ship. If you don't install a holodeck, people will start boinking. When people boink without regard for who or what they're boinking, hearts get broken, and broken hearts lead to a split crew.

Now, don't buy a second-hand holodeck, or a holodeck from a Ferengi, these will most likely be programmed with spyware or viruses that will generate programs that will cause you excruciating pain. Norton 2417 for Holodecks should be used if they're running Service Pack 932. Used holodecks also have a tendency to turn off their safety protocols, killing your crew, or they end up creating sentient life forms that take control of your ship. Make sure you also go to a qualified holodeck program retailer (if not Best Buy, then the local Piggly Wiggly works too) to get some good programs. Crews love action-packed or 'old-skool' programs, don't buy any sissy stuff like Star Trek: The Next Generation season 1 episodes.

I recommend placing an airlock in a holodeck, so that you can jettison anyone who is running over their alloted time, for easy clean-up of any left over 'matter', and to get rid of that holodeck character which always threatens to destroy your ship.

Ship-Mounted Weapons

So, when you are attacked by lone TIE Fighters, suspiciously alone away from a base, or by a Klingon Battlecruiser or Bird-Of-Prey (whichever they use this week), you may want to include some things to shoot out of your ship. Here is the (conveniently incomplete) list:

Tip

Also remember to put weapons aft, bottom, left, and right. You don't want a blind spot in combat

  • Phasers - The old standard, very customizable and easy to use, plus you can easily find them in any second-hand store. For added effect, they make noise in vacuums.
  • Lasers - Cheaper than Phasers, and if they are older Starfleet cast-offs, space-consuming and weak. You may just want to save up your money for something else instead. Beware of crummy visual effects, which may cause people passing by to make fun of you.
  • Disruptors - Whatever they are, soundwaves in space (?), microwave beams, or plasma and antimatter blasts, they pack a punch. They can't do much compared to other weapons, but they do tend to cause a lot of damage anyway, so that should probably matter to you.
  • Phase Cannons - A cheap Mexican knockoff, aping the popular Phasers, the Phase Cannons are sometimes much higher in output, sometimes much lower, but rather dubious in manufacturing quality. Plus, it'll likely fall apart, just like those stupid little bootleg Batman toys you were suckered into buying from there. Get something more reliable, like an Xbox 360.
  • Photon Torpedoes - Devastating, absolutely devastating. Get at least one forward launcher in if you have no space in back, or can't afford many of them. Not only that, but practically every species uses a variant, so you'll never run out! As an added bonus, the matter-antimatter charges they contain generate a 33.24 megaton nuclear explosion when on the maximum setting.
  • Quantum Torpedoes - They're blue, and... Well, they at least do more damage. If you have the money... Get them (obviously). Beware, quantum torpedoes can cause quantum implosions in the quantum subhemispacial grid. Use with caution.
  • Cutting Beams - Capable of intricately slicing exact chunks out of a target's hull, these are fun for taking souvenirs if you can secretly nick a few from the Borg. They're also great for surgery, though the odds of death are 99.99%.
  • Phased Polaron Beam - Passes right through shielding. Fun to use if you like watching the enemy run around in panic as they realize that their shielding is completely useless, that is if you can actually steal some from the Jem'Hadar.
  • Quantum Phasers - Phasers that utilize Zero Point Energy and do a shit load of damage to your enemy. Requirements are Mac computers, and a simple tweaking of Type 12 Phaser arrays to accept a covariant pulse within a subspace bandwidth from the Stargate universe.
  • Transphasic Torpedoes - Torpedo that works by delivering a subspace compression pulse existing in an asymmetric superposition of phase states. If one subcomponent of the pulse is blocked by shielding, enough others will still succeed in penetrating to the target to ensure that the majority of the pulse is still delivered. Each torpedo's transphasic configuration is different, randomly generated by a dissonant feedback effect, so there is no way for the Borg to predict the configuration of its phase states in order to shield against them.
  • Phased Plasma Torpedoes - These are also great weapons for starships. They go through shields and therefore can cause massive damage, if their 2% accuracy works. Skynet bought a shitload for its Terminator Starfleet.
  • Plasma Torpedo - Romulan weapon used for annihilating Starbases and other stations. They're slow and have low maneuverability, just like a Romulan mate.
  • Tricobalt Devices - These weapon sheer subspace and cause massive damage. Best when used against Starbases and other stations. Don't use if you are within 1,000,000 kilometers of the target or you'll be pulled into Subspace (...that's bad).
  • Pulse Phasers - These phasers are incredibly powerful and can destroy multiple ships. They aren't good at disabling enemy capital ships, they're only good at destroying stuff. Only small ships can equip these due to the Treaty of Defiant, but you can get away with this by bribing your local Federation authorities. These are equipped on Defiant and valiant Class Ships
  • Omega Molecules - Just a single Omega molecule can cause a really big explosion, not to mention shattering subspace for light-years around. Keep in mind that they will explode as soon as they start existing, unless you are intelligent enough to build an inverse resonance harmonic chamber or are just REALLY GODDAMN LUCKY. Omega 13 is an exception to this, activating omega 13 rearranges all molecules in the universe back to how it was 13 seconds before activation.
  • Some regular guns would be good too, shields only block energy. Cannons if you can get them from museums, just for that piraty feel and because they do more than a gun.
  • Asgard Plasma Beams - These weapons are ideal for ship to ship combat. It'll kill on 2nd or 3rd hit on any ship weaker than an Ori warship. Make sure your ship is set to 'Stargate universe' or you'll create a parallel universe explosion. (...that's also bad).
    Unending

    Asgard Pulse Beams are great weapons for carving your enemies up. but WARNING, they are extremely short range.

  • Drones: Drones kill on the first hit, go through ships, and are still completely fine. Even better, they're always reusable. Since they are sentient, they are banned by Federation law, but not in the Stargate universe!
    • Note: When flying around in a spaceship breaking the law is allowed! Kirk did it all the time and got away with it! Don't forget that he was a main character so you must be a main character of Star Trek or you will be punished because no one cares about you.
  • Ori starship weapons - these weapons should punch through most shielding in one blast. Ideal when you get in trouble with some Federation police. Requires a lot of power and is banned by the Geneva convention, but who cares what Earth thinks in any universe?
  • Ori pulse weapons - used to add extra special effects to any battle. Overuse causes Prior syndrome, which includes blind obedience to Ori. Hallowed are the Ori.
  • Mark IX Gatebuster: Planetary bombardment, then is is the weapon for you, it'll vaporize an area the size of Texas, plus the radiation will be immense. It makes the Tsar Bomba look like a sparkler.
  • Horizon launch system: Contains up to 10 Mark IX Gatebusters. Really useful if you like blowing up multiple large areas or need to blow up a large armada being built by evil robotic Atlantians.
  • Railguns: Great anti-fighter weapon. Put a lot of them on your ship to be effective. WARNING: Railguns do have limited armaments, save up those pennies you find on the ground as you're going to need them.
  • Chroniton Torpedo: A torpedo that are in temporal phase, allowing it to go through most shields. WARNING: exposure to blast may cause affected person(s) to go through their life backwards.
  • Asuran weapons: Blue weapons. Guess why there blue. Zero Point Module not included.
  • Type 12 Phasers: These are used exclusively used on Sovereign and Prometheus Class Ships. You're going to be limited to the Shipborne version of this weapon. Starbase grade or higher are too big to fit on starships unless you're building a Starbase, turret, or ground based planetary Defense Network.
  • The slug thrower: Needs a healthy colony of slugs as snails will not fit.
  • The Ray Gun: extremely deadly to Ray but has little effect on anyone else.
  • Red Matter Pellet Gun: Fires a pellet of Red Matter at an enemy, causing an instant blackhole, and you know, sucking them in. WARNING: Only usable if you happen to be Mr. Spock, or are a Romulan miner and have stolen his ship to avenge your planet. In other words, forget you ever read this; you'll just go mad with desire and spend all your time locked up in the holodeck using Red Matter on everything.
  • Propulsion Airlock: Through advances in airlock technology experts have developed the Propulsion Airlock, an airlock that propels people. Very useful for launching marine infiltration parties to other ships, or launching suicide ensigns (a.k.a. Red-shirts) at the enemy.

Defenses

  • Polarized Hull Plating: Boy do you suck. You can't even purchase shields or proper armor. We all laugh at you.
  • High Density Armor: great protection.
  • Ablative Armor: Great armor needed to help you survive even after your shields fail.
  • Enhanced Ablative Armor: This armor is so uber, you can survive multiple Borg ships firing on you at the same time. Like the Transphasic Torpedoes, this technology is considered to be used only by n00bs.
  • Enhanced +3 Adamantium Ablative Armor: Make sure your ship has the D20 Exotic Armor feat before attempting to equip this, but if you do - this is about the best you can get.
  • Regenerating armor: Heavy armor that regenerates using tiny nanites. Made by BorgTech corporations in conjunction with RepliCarterTech. These two companies are not held responsible if armor fails to regenerate due to human sabotage or uber kickass Asgard weapons fire.
  • Low Capacity Shield System: You have shields, but these aren't even going to protect throughout the whole battle.
  • Standard Shields: These are good shields, you can take on a variety of Alpha Quadrant threats with these.
  • High Capacity Shield System: You can take on a ton of ships with these shields.
  • Regenerative Shields: These are the best shields, they regenerate even while in combat!!!
  • Meta-phasic Shields: These are better than the best, giving you protection against everything until the sci-fi writers invent new offensive doo-dads.
  • Replicator Sheilds: Extremly Powerful shields that can survive Ori Weapons fire for over 2 hours, or however long the plot demands.
  • Atlantis shield Generator: Impervious to almost anything, even drones can't pierce them. Can survive planatray bombbardment for decades. note: Require at least 3 ZPMs to function properly.
  • Cloaking Device: These allow you to run away in the middle of combat. If you have the money, buy the Scimitar brand cloaking device to pummel your enemies without them being able to detect you.
  • Wood: wow. You are so cheap.
  • Aluminum: Better, but still cheap. Can however be hooked up to a car battery to repel laser-pointers.
  • Time Dilation Device: Useful, but makes for a crappy final episode of a great series. Also tends to get you stuck in place for decades while you and your crew attempt to turn it off.
  • Radar Jammer: Comes in Strawberry, Rasberry and Marmalade. Lonestar can get you a discount.
  • Emergency Temporal Shift: Good for sissys ,n00bs, and Daleks who tend to bail at the first sign of trouble.
  • Scourgelord Dreadplates: Worst armor for your ship period. Fantasy armor does not help in sci-fi worlds. Does your ship really need +47 Int. anyways?
  • DS9 Federation Shields: The cheapest actual shield you can get. Unfortunately, they don't have the good looking bubble effect or the ability to look like it's actually helping.

Transporters

Transporters are extremely important. They prevent wasting time and wasting waste.

You will need to buy or borrow-steal at least 6 2000-watt incandescent lamps, 6 metal discs with grounding wire, a 'Dust Buster' (aka a TNG-era phaser) and a makeshift control panel. Also if you want to make sure you have some sort of beam then you will need to McGyver a laser pointer (they come in 2 pretty colors, red or green). Avoid the green pointers as the FAA doesn't like them but, to be on the safe side, don't point them at anything. Check with NASA on the proper way to assemble your transporter material. For initial testing have your test crew put on sunblock 5000 in case the beam is active for more than 5 seconds. Those bulbs get pretty hot! If there is a catastrophic failure, then use the 'Dust Buster' to rectify the situation. Refer to 'Star Trek - The Motion Picture.'

Once you have successfully tested your transporter, you won't need your car anymore except to pick up chicks on Earth. Put it in storage.

If you have configured your transporter correctly, it will safely store all waste material from those who have used it in those square containers in the cargo bay. Later you can give those containers to 'GreenPeace' as a token peace gesture.

If they don't want it, then check with NASA about waste recycling in space. I understand they have the technology to recycle urine into drinking water. This technology is one step closer to having food replicators.

Once you begin to run out of room to stash the stuff, you can use it in battle. Simply set it on fire and load it into the Propuslion Airlock, then fire it at the enemy. Their shields will be useless and their viewscreens messy.

The Crew

Jeffrey Archer

Captain Archer worked hard to be a Commanding Officer. Think like him!

So, you got your ship, now you need a crew to man it. Following Star Trek guidelines, at least 95% of your crew should be human, and no, don't put random animals on your ship. This is a starship, not an ark.

Commanding Officer

Unless you're some fool, elect yourself as the commanding officer. It's your ship, why should you let the opinion of others affect your leadership abilities?

Each Commanding Officer must have an eccentricity. See the following examples:

  • Archer: Enjoys waterpolo but doesn't have a pool or holodeck on his ship.
  • Kirk: Likes to nail and shoot anything that moves.
  • Picard: Addicted to Earl Grey and just missed getting a job as a Social worker.
  • Sisko: The token blackman that doesn't actually start with the rank of Captain.
  • Janeway: Delta quadrant social worker and keeps screwing with the temporal prime directive.
  • Hernandez: Female Captain who went from captain to prisoner to deus ex machina, follow her example.
  • Sulu: Has the power to keep the ship together at which would cause it to fly apart.
  • Sanders: Got his ass kicked by renegade terrorists, don't follow his example.
  • Benteen: Participated in a coup, is up on treason charges. Definetely don't follow her example.
  • Waters: Cadet who took over a ship and lead his crew to their deaths. Worst type of captain.
  • Chakotay: Same subdued acting to suggest he's part tree.
  • Robau:After his ship was attacked he was asked to come on board the enemy ship. He even though it was quite obvious he wouldn't set foot on his ship again. Officialy the stupidest captain ever.
  • Pike(alternate reality): Same as Robau but he got lucky and survived.
  • Kirk (Sr): Was captain for about twelve minutes. Rammed the ship into a giant mining platform that can move and still didn't manage to destroy it. At least be captain for a month before doing this.

SubCommanding Officer AKA Executive Officer

Also known as Second in Command, or, for some reason, as "Number One" (don't ask us why; last time we checked the Captain got to make all the big decisions), this person's job is to do everything you don't want to. For example, if you need to send an away team down to, say, a planet about to supernova, a wrecked ship that might not even have oxygen, or a meeting with some Starfleet Blood-sucking Vampires Admirals, then YOU sure don't want to go. No problem! Just send "Number One" to go do all the hard stuff, while you sit back in your comfy chair and listen to all the bad stuff happening to him.

However, make sure to pick somebody you like for this job, since they have a habit to keep surviving everything you send them through, and they never seem to accept promotions. Just make sure to pick someone who's not very good at long-term planning. This way, they'll still do a good job in whatever situations you throw them in, but they'll never stop and think, "Gee; I've done way more then he has; I should be a Captain!" If he ever realizes this, he might leave the ship, or, even worse, overthrow you.

NEVER EVER EVER choose a friend or a significant other as an executive officer, it'll only lead to bickering and petty squabbling. Think about it, if you chose your wife as an XO...

"Turn left. NO! TURN LEFT HERE! FOR GOSH SAKES, LISTEN TO ME, AND STOP CALLING ME A BACK SEAT DRIVER!"

On the other hand, if it's your husband...

"Peg, Where's the remote? I want to throw some football up on this viewscreen."

Operations Officer

40552 L

An Android like this, just...not with that gaze...

Androids make for great Operations officers, especially if they're 'fully functional', if you know what I mean. Besides, what happens if your ship runs out of air (just watch Star Trek: The Next Generation, it happens all the time!)? Your Android Operations officer can take over and save your life. Remember, you're the Captain, the Android has an obligation to your life!

Nonetheless, if you choose a humanoid operations officer, they are more likely to die (see: Harry Kim). Choosing a new operations officer is not an easy job, as it's difficult to get operations officers from US Navy ships (though Canadian...). Plus, you lose that huge dedication to saving your life, as the humanoid officer would only care about his or her own butt.

Helmsman

StarTrek7-Animation1
Car explosion

This is why you do not hire a Deanna Troi.

Don't know how to pilot your own ship? Don't risk your own hiney on a wit and a whim, hire a professional helmsman. Telepathic and psychic people not recommended due to their increased rate of crashing ships. In fact, it was in 2004 that a telepathic pitcher plant was placed at the helm of the Starship Voyager, and crash landed it in your backyard. Let's just say, Captain Janeway was not happy...

Make sure the helmsman has appropriate training and have them show you their skills through simulations. The real thing costs money. I already said it before, you are trying to save money, simulations save you money AND supplies, plus it prevents Deanna Troi Syndrome. Make sure your helmsman can prallel park and is able to powerslide a spaceship. Make the smart move: hire a Helmsman for only 200 easy payments of $5,000,000,000,000.00 a month!

Recently, insurance companies have put out several memoes declaring that anyone named named Troi, who comes from Greece, time travels in a phone box or even cheats on their exams is able to be covered under intergalactic vehicle insurance.

Tactical Officer

Arnold

I want you as my Tactical Officer!

Bush Fire

Do your own job, you girlyman!

Now this is where you can hire a friend, colleague or insignificant other, one of the best jobs on a starship, the job where you can blow people and planets to SMITHERINES! *Cough* I'm talkin' Death Star style here people *Cough* Also known as the tactical officer, in which the person is responsible for the tactical running and security of the ship. Thus, it is also recommended that this person be very muscular (Think Arnold Schwarzenegger, just less political, you don't want somebody creating a mutiny against you) and smart. Many security and tactical officers have IQs of a rock, with slow reaction times and the inability to comprehend the order 'fire all weapons'. (Just watch Star Trek Generations! That is why you don't hire Worf!)

Make sure your tactical officer is fully compliant with the United Nations National Gun and Weaponry Compliance Codes and Acts (AKA Life Insurance) so that they know how to properly handle a weapon. Remember the following when choosing a tactical officer:

  • They do not look into the gun's barrel to check if it's working.
  • They can tell the difference between 'fire phaser/torpedo' from 'activate self-destruct'.
  • They have good terminal-diving skills. Diving over the tactical terminal in a flurry of sparks and explosions is one of the most essential parts of this job.
  • They can tell the difference between a 1 and a 0 in the auto-destruct menu
  • They are not a terrorist
  • They are a 00 agent (Preferably 005 and above)


Science Officer

They never have any emphasis on these people in Star Trek, so just choose any random Joe from the road. If you want an alien on your senior staff, this is good place to put one.

Chief Engineer

Belanna

For an engineer, every day is a bad day, even school photo day.

Sure, you have all of your engineers, random yellowshirts who know how to handle a dildo torque-wrench and only know two words: 'aye, sir'. Nonetheless, out of all of these engineers, only one can rule over them all. Make sure this engineer knows how to handle more than your sexual desires and can say stuff like "I wish I could sir, but the warp core's calibration needs to be fine-tuned to 4.7 megawatts to provide power to the impulse reactors." (Try saying that correctly 5 times straight and I'll give you a Coke.) Another key component to your Chief Engineer is that they actually know what they're doing. If your ship is invaded and the only crew left alive/sane/free are you (better be you) and your chief engineer, you want at least one person present who can get the ship running again.

Anyways, there are two things you can do. You can either select the top engineer for yourself (usually the top ranking officer or hottest one), but this is boring and non-entertaining for you and the crew. The second way to select a chief engineer is to throw your engineers into a Rancor pit and the first one to escape wins. This is where the miracle of medicine comes into play if you are Canadian.

Note: Keep an eye on your Chief Engineer and the token hot alien in your crew. You dont want to open the warp core to find them "calibrating" each other.

Chief Yeoman

Alba2

This works, just keep her away from Wil Wheaton.

Captain Jack Sparrow

Female COs would drool over this Yeoman.

Also known as the one who bows down to you, this is your most trusted crewmember, mainly because they grant you a lot of 'favors'. Sure, they only appeared in the Original Series of Trek, but why not bring back those old times of skimpy uniforms and hot yeomen? This is also a great excuse to make-out with somebody you know even though you have a significant other, just say it 'comes with the job'. It works everytime. I wish

Chief Medical Officer

If you passed grade 3, you should've already chosen your Chief Medical Officer way back earlier in this guide. If not, go eat a light bulb and throw yourself over a cliff in a shopping cart. Come back, pay me $50 and talk to your new Chief Medical Officer in the morning.

Nonetheless, always remember that your CMO should have some sort of medical degree, preferably a Ph.D. Don't be taken in by those other 'Ph.D.'s, you don't need some master accountant, chemist, CEO or lawyer (this is a NO NO) for your doctor. Be careful!

Try to ensure your CMO is human as well. Those holograms get pissy when forced to treat stupid injuries for too long.

New Guy

RedShirt

A New Guy like this, always issue them a red shirt.

This crew member is somehow familiar to all the other crew members, but unrecognized from any prior episodes. He is going to do heroic things, but never gets the girl, and will be sucked out through a hull breach, go into a malfunctioning transporter, or just be food for this week's aliens. A pile of smoldering dust or oozing goo to be scraped into a motion sickness bag and jettisoned from the cargo bay after an elaborate funeral including bagpipes and kilts. You need lots of new guys! Get your friends (or enemies) from work to come test out the new systems as you install them. "Joe, I'm working on a project in my basement that you should see. I'm combining a tazer gun with a popcorn popper. Can you just plug this into that extension cord?"

Also, don't get a hot New Guy, otherwise the women (assuming you got any on your crew) will lose half their productivity when he di- has an accident. Should you somehow acquire a hot girl for your New Guy, personally introduce her to everyone and share a personal memory with her so she becomes one of the crew before her accident has time to manifest.

Captain's Woman

All captains need someone to have sex with after a long days work. A captain's woman must be hot.


In Conclusion...

Andrev nerd

Bon Voyage!

Sisko

What do I do?! Help me Jebus!

"Engage the impulse engines, disengage the landing struts and prepare for atmospheric flight!"

In other words, turn the key, make ship go and find some sexy green aliens on your (hopefully) many flights! Live long and prosper!

My Ship Won't Go

Did you do the following?

  • [ ] DID NOT install an ignition switch?
  • [ ] DID NOT get fuel
  • [ ] DID NOT get a battery
  • [ ] DID ask your significant other where you lost the keys
  • [ ] DID get yelled at if you lost the keys
  • [ ] DID get in a heated argument if you lost the keys
  • [ ] DID end up sleeping outside if you lost the keys
  • [ ] DID install a computer with Macintosh OS X
  • [ ] DID hire a Ferengi crew
  • [ ] DID rely on a Pakled for help ('We make things go', wtf is that?!)
  • [ ] DID purchase 'pimped-up' products that actually slow your ship
  • [ ] DID buy one of those cheap warp cores for $19.99 off television

If you checked any of the above, throw away the ship and click here.[1]

No?

  • Did you even make a ship?

Bingo

  • Read this page for assistance.

Disclaimer

Enzo Aquarius and the editors of this page accept no responsibility for the actions that you perform when constructing or flying your Federation starship, so feel free to fool around, make out with your ship or crash it onto a planet, because we could not care less!

There is also no technical support when creating a Federation starship rather than this guide, so don't expect AAA or CAA to come to the call when you run out of antimatter or food. You have been forewarned, and remember, no matter where you go, there you are, k thx.Sign2750px-High voltage warning.svgRadioactive

Should you actually succeed in making your ship move call Russia and offer to sell them your ship for $50 billion. Use this money to make a second ship and pimp it out.

All contents of this page are (c) 2008.5 Uncyclopedia or its licensor. All rights are reserved, except in the case of spontaneous combustion. This page is copyrighted 47 times according to the Uncyclopedia Accord of 1655.

Photographs and illustrations are copyrighted by their respective owners, as they are noted in the credits.

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