HowTo:Commit Suicide
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[edit] Disclaimer and Last Warning
By clicking on the link that brought you here, you have made a legally binding agreement that for whatever reason, you want your life ended or the knowledge on how to end it. This is not a guide against suicide, but to suicide. Some of the methods listed here may be more effective than others and some may be totally ineffective. Since you've waived your rights to any and all legal recourse, any choices you make about suicide pertaining to the methods listed in this article and any expected results are done entirely at your own risk.
If you still want someone to point you to the meaning of life, there are plenty of cults whose priests will eagerly feed you manufacturer approved thoughts so that you may make the most intelligent and balanced decision on what to make with your life.
[edit] Reasons to Commit Suicide
There are many reasons to commit suicide: girlfriend, life, job, Uncyclopedia, 4chan, or any number of teenie bopper/emo/scene reasons. But you need specific reasons to commit suicide, if you just commit suicide for the hell of it, then it wouldn't count. You'd just be doing so for your own enjoyment, selfish jerk. Some of the valid reasons to commit suicide are included in a convenient list for you below:
- Your boyfriend/girlfriend/mom/whore left you.
- Your wife/mom left you for your boyfriend
- You broke your favorite thing by playing with it too much
- A grue is about to do the job for you.
- Your ex-girlfriend/boyfriend/kitten/whore is about to do the job for you.
- You got banned from Uncyclopedia for being an idiot.
- You just realized that life isn't worth living. (See Previous)
- You wasted all your money on "I Love Saddam" commemorative plates
- You are emo and thus it is your duty to commit suicide
- Demons have staked a claim to your underwear drawer
- You can't wait to see if you're going to hell or not.
- You have put on 2 pounds.
- Generally...JOBLESS!! and just want to do it for fun :)
If you just kill yourself without following these reasons then you cannot set your soul free. Then again, if you just kill yourself it would be much faster and easier.
[edit] Methods of committing suicide
If you plan to do this, then you will need to know the various methods of committing suicide. These particular methods have been painstakingly researched and you will have a 99.997% chance that you will be dead. In addition, following these methods will change how people think of you. Some of them will think you are a maniac, others will think that you're desperate, while a select few will realize that they love you but only once you're dead. But whatever you do, just do it!
[edit] Method 1: Jumping Off
You will need:
- A good high building or cliff
- No regrets
- Optional equipment: A cape, a red bull, (some suicidal people could use the energy ya know), a copy of dungeons&dragons, the soundtrack to resident evil.
- Locate a nice high building or cliff to jump off of.
- Go to the top.
- Jump.
- Do a flip.
- Do a barrel roll
- Diving is always recommended
- Rinse.
- Repeat.
- Die.
This method has a number of advantages. It's simple. It's dramatic. You can save on funeral costs and have yourself buried in a pizza box. On the other hand, if it's raining, your clothes will get soaked and your body will just wash down the drain. Also, it's just not terribly original. Dozens of people try to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge every year. Boring. (Make sure to do the flip cause you never know, you might get a perfect ten.)
[edit] Method 2: Complete Exsanguination
You will need:
- A sharp object. Razors, scissors, broken glass, or biting criticism all work
- A rafter or other high support
- A Rope (or tampon string)
- Using the rope, tie your ankles together so that you are hanging from the rafters in a head-down posture.
- Grasp the sharp object in your hand, and draw it swiftly across your neck. Be sure to cut deep enough so that you get all four major blood vessels.
- Make a puddle on the floor. Or use a bucket for the Red Cross.
- Admire your handiwork.
Anyone can kill themselves by slitting their wrists. A true artist goes for a complete exsanguination. For extra credit, tie your wrists to your ankles to complete the Long Pig allusion.
[edit] Method 3: Jumping off a Plane
You will need:
- Plane Ticket
- Make a Skydiving Reservation
- Ignore instructor during flight
- Refuse parachute and jump to your death
- Optional: Aim for pigeons as you plummet
- Optional: Wear a cape and a superman suit
For those of you that never liked to listen to directions, this is an obvious choice. You get to your goal and continue your longstanding tradition of ignoring the words of others.
[edit] Method 4: Car Death
You will need
- Some sort of motoring infrastructure such as a road with cars, trucks or buses
- Find a speeding car.
- Wait until the car is in range.
- walk in front of the car and watch as the car hits you.
- You're dead, nothing to it.
- Unless they swerve and kill someone else in the process. But, then you'll have even MORE reason to die! ^_^
This method is recommended for those people that loathe all the crass materialism involved with other suicide methods. Even the luxury of clothes is not required with this method. Those Capitalist Pigs will rue the day your naked form destroys their precious sports car. THANK GOD!!!
[edit] Method 5: Suicide Bombing
You will need
- Atomic bomb
- A location where someone carrying an atom bomb won't look out of place. New York is good for this: nothing looks out of place in New York.
- Religious tract of your choice. The Kama Sutra is a particularly good option, but you could also try the Book of Common Prayer or the Analects
- Walk to a suitable street corner. Street corners are the proper place to do anything important in New York.
- Set up them the bomb.
- Yell something incomprehensible in a foreign language. Some possibilities are "MA BITE EST EN FEU !" or "9時から布団4枚!!!"
- Generate a mushroom cloud.
If you've ever wanted to have your passing remembered, this is the method for you. However, it is wise to make sure that before you blow yourself up you make sure people know who you are. You don't want someone else hogging all the glory, do you?
[edit] Method 6: Great White Shark
You will need
- A plane ticket to Hawaii, Australia, South Africa or other shark-infested waters
- boat
- string
- chum
- Peterson's Field Guide To Sharks
- Life Jacket
- Find shark-infested waters. The Great Barrier Reef is perfect, but Hawaii will do.
- Rent a boat and head offshore into deep water. Make sure you pack a life preserver and a whistle ency.
- Pour some chum over yourself and a bucket's worth into the water.
- Wait for the fins to appear- this is important! If you get in the water before the sharks appear, you may die of hypothermia before you get eaten. And hypothermia never makes Page 1.
- This is where the field guide comes in- you want to make sure it's a great white that eats you. Death by blue shark just doesn't sound as cool.
- When you see a big one, hop right in.
- The shark does the rest.
Imagine how jealous the parents of that other kid are going to be! They'll open up the paper expecting a nice piece on little Johnny's suicide, but his OD will be a tiny blurb in the corner. Meanwhile, you get front page with your suicide-by-shark! Nobody will even go to his funeral- his friends will all be like, "Yeah, it's too bad. But this other dude- man, he got killed by a shark! I can't wait to see that. I hear it's open casket and you can see the bite marks and everything! I'm sorry to miss Johnny's wake, but how many times do you get to see a dude who's been gnawed in half by a shark?"
[edit] Method 7: Pop Rocks & Coke
You will need
- Coke, 1 can
- Pop Rocks
- First, you're gonna need to lie down, naked, on the couch.
- Then you shove the coke up your ass.
- Open the can & the pop rocks.
- Put the packet of pop rocks on top of the coke, which should be up your ass!
- Now the mixture should make you blast off in space
- Ok, YOU'RE DEAD. THERE IS NO AIR IN SPACE. This method is how my dog died. And me!
[edit] Method 8: Emotionally Disturbing Piano Wire Beheading
You will need
- Superglue
- Piano wire
- Find a very tall building, overlooking a public place. Stand on top of it with lots of piano wire and some superglue.
- Tie one end of a piece of piano wire 5 metres short of the ground to your ankles. Secure the other end to the top of the building.
- Tie one end of a piece of piano wire 10 metres short of the ground in a lasso around your neck, so it can tighten when pulled. Secure the other end to the top of the building.
- Glue your hand to your head.
- Jump!
The result: at 10 metres from the ground, the piano wire around your neck will tighten and slice your head off. Your head will, however, not fall because it is stuck to your hand. You will be found dangling upside down 5 metres from the ground with your head stuck to your hand.
And a record 45,098 people have killed themselves after witnessing a piano-wire suicide. What a coincidence!
[edit] Method 9: Extreme Sexual Exhaustion
You will need
- Viagra
- Whores
- A Bed
- First you will need to withdraw your lifesavings (like you'll need it anyway) and run into the Pharmacy/Whorehouse. Aka, Walmart.
- Once you've acquired your large horde of women- take some time into selecting a perfect bed. Temperpedic is for the slow-go, while the spring mattresses will provide more bang for your buck.
- Once you've picked you bed, take the ENTIRE bottle of Viagra.
- Start fucking. Do NOT stop until your heart has exploded.
[edit] Method 10: Overkill
You will need
- Gun
- Piano wire/Good rope
- Portable pool
- Sharks
- Tall Building
- A friend
This method is for those who have actually failed at failing. (And even if you do manage to bungle this sure fire method...well...it's still entertaining ;D.))
- Find a very tall building, overlooking a public place.
- Get to the roof. Remember, use the stairs, not the elevator. You don't want to die from a faulty elevator!
- Tie a noose around your neck, and secure it to the building. Make sure the rope extends to the bottom, so you hit the ground and still break your neck. Alternatively, you may use the piano wire method above.
- Get a friend to position a pool at the bottom, and dump the sharks into it.
- Load the gun, and stick it inside your mouth.
- Jump!
What will happen: The rope should kill you, ripping your head off as you hit the bottom. If the rope breaks, the fall would still kill you. If THAT doesn't work, you can still pull the trigger for the gun and blow your brains out. What? Still not dead? then the sharks will eat you. And if by some cruel twist of fate, you still don't die, you'll drown and be unable to escape, thanks to the broken legs from the fall. This is recommended for Emos, who seem to be completly unable to kill themselves, and Charlie Chaplin.
[edit] Other Methods
[edit] Methods To Just Die Quickly
- Touching a live 220V wire: it causes certain death within one minute and leaves the yummy smell of bacon.
- Taunt Chuck Norris. Really painful, really quick and extremely deadly. Chuck could actually kill you as quickly as Domo Kun does (read below) but it would leave no time for you to feel pain, so he has to hold back and since that pisses him off even more he rapes you in the rectum until your vision goes blurry, the pain rate grows as shown in this formula:
[edit] Methods To Die Quickly Without Pain
- Kitten overdose: you'll die within an hour but you may be revived with a 35 ml (1.25 fl oz) sulfuric acid anal suppository.
- Guillotine: effective within 20 seconds. It is still not possible to get your head sewn back on time. However, there have been studies showing that you live for about 30 more seconds (no, really)...so get a soccer player punt your lopped off head so you can fly through the air as you die.
[edit] Methods To Die Slowly Without Any Possible Notice
- Caffeinated beverages (except beer): Once you hit the optimal level, you vibrate so much you slowly disappear from existence.
- Attempting to read a program written in Perl or APL.
- Listen constantly to Conservative Talk Radio, this leads to lack of all motivation and independent thought. Warning: You may get officially declared a zombie and get shot in the head, which is neither a slow nor painless form of death.
[edit] Methods To Die Slowly and Painfully
- Enter someone's ass: you'll get kicked around and die in matter of weeks. Additionally, you may catch a nasty STD.
- Disbelief in Cthulhu: you get eaten last and are chewed for much, much longer.
- Read anything by James Joyce, especially Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
- Death by bear: attempt to kill a full grown grizzly bear using nothing but a single banana as weapon and try to delude yourself that the banana is actually a knife.
- Listen to Vogon poetry. (This method is not recommended for those especially skilled at gnawing off their own legs)
- Post numerous Russian Reversal quotes on Uncyclopedia. (The angry regulars will chew you to bits.)
- Look in the mirror.
- Join the United States Marine Corps
[edit] What Now Dude?
Nothing, You're dead. IF YOU ARE STILL READING THIS THEN YOU HAVE DONE SOMETHING TERRIBLY WRONG, VERY VERY WRONG!!! Go back and try a different method. Perhaps a cup of coffee or tea before you try again might be in order.
