“Ah, lumps. When they aren't being checked for, one can only assume that they are pulsating grotesquely in the vicinity of the unmentionables. I must say, I've seen quite a few in my day. Everyone with a lump dies. Everyone.”
Say, where have you been? The new Michael Moore movie? No? Ah, I can see that you've been to the doctor's office. That circle-shaped bandage on your arm speaks wonders, my friend. Say, what's that pamphlet in your hand there? No, give it here! Oh, I see. You need to start checking yourself for lumps. Well, don't be embarrassed, everyone has to check for lumps at some point. But disregard that pamphlet, son, I will teach you everything you need to know about checking for lumps.
Your enemy: The mysterious lump
What is a lump, you ask? Well, the Unofficial Knownothing Dictionary defines a lump as "A raised, fleshy area on the skin, that often gives cause for extreme panic and tends to result in instant death. Typically found in places nobody wants to look" Pretty scary, huh. Well, don't be scared, just as long as you catch a lump the very second it manifests itself, you'll be A-OK. Of course, this means you'll need to be ever-vigilant, checking yourself 2 to 3 times each day for these elusive lumps to even maintain a chance of survival. Good luck.
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Step 1: Remove all clothing
Did you read that dictionary definition up there carefully? If you notice, it said that lumps manifest themselves in places that nobody wants to look. That's their way of saying on you, and it implies an area usually covered by clothes. Naturally, the only way to check an area covered by clothes is to remove said clothes. So get stripping.
Step 2: Grasp yourself firmly, and fiddle about
Did you read the above section carefully? If you notice, it said that lumps manifest themselves in places that nobody wants to look, typically on you, under your clothes. If you couldn't figure it out in the first place, that was our way of saying on your privates. So, take your hand, form it into a comfortable upside-down claw-shape, and grasp your essentials. Being gentle will do no good, as lumps will recognize gentleness as a threat, and hide themselves. Instead, use brute force when grasping, and begin to fiddle around in your nether-regions, also using a seemingly a superfluous amount of force.
Step 3: Continue to fiddle
Now that you have grasped yourself firmly, continue to squeeze, prod, poke, and generally do things that seem potentially harmful to your genitalia. Fiddling time can be changed to suit your needs, but a time of approximately 45 minutes or more is typically recommended. It is important to note that checking yourself should require the utmost concentration, as any distraction could result in a mishap, resulting in the catastrophic failure of your privates.
Step 4: Report your findings
Now that you have checked yourself, it's important to go to your doctor, or whoever it was that told you to do this in the first place. To make their job easier, it's best to document your findings with numerous photographs and medically accurate diagrams. If your "doctor" seems particularly interested in the photos, it may be time to consult another doctor or police officer, as they may be having unclean feelings about you. Make sure that your pictures get into the right hands and are checked out, and wait for the results.
No lumps? Yay! This means you may survive the rest of the day. Just remember to check yourself after every meal, at least twice a day. Doing so may prevent your inevitable demise for another day. Not doing so will result in your almost certain doom. Now, don't feel left out if you're "the only one of your friends without a lump." It's nothing to be ashamed of, really. All it means is that your friends are way cooler, more mature, and generally better at life than you are. It's simple Darwinism, really, and just a fact of life. So don't sweat it, loser!
Uh-oh, a lump!
A lump? A LUMP?!?!?! Okay, okay, the first step is to remain calm. I SAID REMAIN CALM DAMMIT! Now, calmly raise your arms over your head, and open your mouth. Calmly use your open mouth to scream loudly and girlishly, calmly running screaming as fast as you can to the nearest hospital or medical facility. Once you arrive, calmly tell the nice folks at the emergency room that you've "GOT A LUMP, GODDAMIT, I'M GONNA DIE OF CANCER! Oh, God, I don't wanna die...." Completing this, you should calmly collapse in the corner and whimper pathetically. Hopefully, this display of rationality and level-headedness will help the doctors understand that you have a serious problem, and require assistance and treatment.
Next, you will wait in the hospital, hopefully drugged to the point where you can no longer think. This is good, because you will be unable to think about the massive amounts of pain and feelings of loss you will have to endure after the surgery. You see, to remove that lump, the nice doctors will have to cut it off. This most likely means cutting off a sizable chunk of your essentials. Now, if you were for whatever reason hoping to save up for a sex-change, you are now that much closer to your goal. Otherwise, you are well on your way to serious physical and psychological problems. Also, it'll cost thousands. Did I mention that? No? Well, it probably will. And if you have an insurance plan that covers this sort of issue, you've still got that pain and that "very close personal loss." A lose-lose situation indeed. Well, at least you survive. Well, maybe. And remember, it's all because you remembered how to check yourself for lumps!