HowTo:Change a lightbulb
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
The strange art of lightbulb changing is a painful mystery for most. Many brave men have met their doom trying to figure out how to replace a burnt-out lightbulb. But remember: once you tread the dark path of lightbulbchangery, forever will it dominate your destiny.
| HowTo |
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
You will need the following before attempting to change any lightbulb:
- a spare lightbulb
- a wet fork
- a suit of armor
- lab coat
- safety goggles
- a pistol
- several sixpacks
- sterile rubber gloves
- brain (optional)
Dislodging the bulb
Got all that? Great. First we need to dislodge the burnt-out lightbulb. There are a number of ways we can do this.
Throw bricks at it
- Drink six (6) cans of beer.
- Make sure you are drunk. If not, repeat step 1.
- Clutch a brick. Take your time and feel its weight.
- Focus your anger towards the bulb. Feel free to mutter of its evil, or scream obscenities at the top of your lungs.
- Aim the brick.
- Throw the brick.
- Er. Throw it at the lightbulb, that is.
- If you miss, observe which priceless artifact in the home has been broken, and repeat step 4 and upwards.
- If you smash that bulb, congratulations. Have another beer, man.
- Drink six (6) cans of beer.
- Insert ammunition into pistol.
- Realize that you have no ammunition for your pistol.
- Run to the nearest gun shop and inquire of the ammunition needed.
- Run back. Have another beer if you wish.
- Refer to step 2.
- Now, aim for the lightbulb, and don't forget to loudly remind the bulb who's the boss.
- Continue with various drunken threats.
- Aim at the lightbulb if you wish, but hey, what's the big deal with aiming at things?
- Fire away. Reload as necessary, run back to the gun shop as necessary. Refer to next step if after 200 shots you do not hit.
- Have another beer, and consider doing Throw bricks at it instead.
Smash it in with a fork
- Drink six (6) beers and/or vodkas.
- Go to your kitchen, and locate a fork.
- Grip the fork.
- Put the fork under the faucet.
- Turn the dial fruitlessly, and realize that those bills you didn't pay might have been important.
- Douse the fork in beer instead. Drink any beer left over.
- Proceed to the location of rogue lightbulb.
- Start jabbing at the bulb. Make sure the light switch in the room is turned on.
- Attack bulb until it breaks. Make sure you make contact with the somewhat empty socket with your wet fork, if only to anger the lightbulb god.
- Recieve electrocution. Go to a friend's house and have a laugh with him/her after telling story of the day's events, consume any offered alcoholic beverages.
Inserting the new bulb
Now that you've gotten rid of the rogue lightbulb, you'll have to stick a new one in.
- Find your fresh lightbulb. Sing a Beatles song of your choice after finding it.
- Put on your labcoat, sterilized gloves and safety goggles.
- Put on suit of armor.
- Start humming on chosen Beatles song.
- Attempt to have a drink to calm your nerves for the oncoming trial of truth.
- Equip the lightbulb, and insert it into the empty socket.
- Screwing the bulb in is very complicated. Every socket has its own combination code that you must remember, much like a safe. Unlike a safe, entering the wrong combination is likely to make the device explode in your face, in a cloud of anthrax, sulphuric acid, napalm and fecal matter.
- Screw your bulb in according to your combination.
- Duck for cover if it's wrong.
- Sigh in relief if it's correct. Then duck for cover.
- Celebrate your triumph by inviting over the weirdo living on your front lawn, and accept when he offers you a handful of funny pills.
- (You can stop humming now.)