HowTo:Change a lightbulb

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The strange art of lightbulb changing is a painful mystery for most. Many brave men have met their doom trying to figure out how to replace a burnt-out lightbulb. But remember: once you tread the dark path of lightbulbchangery, forever will it dominate your destiny.

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Equipment check

Tip

If you choose to substitute the beer, remember not to stop drinking even if you're starting to go blind. That's just part of the process.

You will need the following before attempting to change any lightbulb:

  • a spare lightbulb
  • a wet fork
  • a suit of armor
  • lab coat
  • safety goggles
  • bricks
  • a pistol
  • several sixpacks
  • sterile rubber gloves
  • brain (optional)

Dislodging the bulb

Got all that? Great. First we need to dislodge the burnt-out lightbulb. There are a number of ways we can do this.

Tip

Q: How many Uncyclopedians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Euroipods kitten huffing Oscar Wilde AAAAAAAAA!

Throw bricks at it

  1. Drink six (6) cans of beer.
  2. Make sure you are drunk. If not, repeat step 1.
  3. Clutch a brick. Take your time and feel its weight.
  4. Focus your anger towards the bulb. Feel free to mutter of its evil, or scream obscenities at the top of your lungs.
  5. Aim the brick.
  6. Throw the brick.
  7. Er. Throw it at the lightbulb, that is.
  8. If you miss, observe which priceless artifact in the home has been broken, and repeat step 4 and upwards.
  9. If you smash that bulb, congratulations. Have another beer, man.

Shoot it

  1. Drink six (6) cans of beer.
  2. Insert ammunition into pistol.
  3. Realize that you have no ammunition for your pistol.
  4. Run to the nearest gun shop and inquire of the ammunition needed.
  5. Run back. Have another beer if you wish.
  6. Refer to step 2.
  7. Now, aim for the lightbulb, and don't forget to loudly remind the bulb who's the boss.
  8. Continue with various drunken threats.
  9. Aim at the lightbulb if you wish, but hey, what's the big deal with aiming at things?
  10. Fire away. Reload as necessary, run back to the gun shop as necessary. Refer to next step if after 200 shots you do not hit.
  11. Have another beer, and consider doing Throw bricks at it instead.

Smash it in with a fork

  1. Drink six (6) beers and/or vodkas.
  2. Go to your kitchen, and locate a fork.
  3. Grip the fork.
  4. Put the fork under the faucet.
  5. Turn the dial fruitlessly, and realize that those bills you didn't pay might have been important.
  6. Douse the fork in beer instead. Drink any beer left over.
  7. Proceed to the location of rogue lightbulb.
  8. Start jabbing at the bulb. Make sure the light switch in the room is turned on.
  9. Attack bulb until it breaks. Make sure you make contact with the somewhat empty socket with your wet fork, if only to anger the lightbulb god.
  10. Recieve electrocution. Go to a friend's house and have a laugh with him/her after telling story of the day's events, consume any offered alcoholic beverages.

Inserting the new bulb

Tip

The weirdo living on your front lawn would make a great best friend.

Now that you've gotten rid of the rogue lightbulb, you'll have to stick a new one in.

  1. Find your fresh lightbulb. Sing a Beatles song of your choice after finding it.
  2. Put on your labcoat, sterilized gloves and safety goggles.
  3. Put on suit of armor.
  4. Start humming on chosen Beatles song.
  5. Attempt to have a drink to calm your nerves for the oncoming trial of truth.
  6. Equip the lightbulb, and insert it into the empty socket.
  7. Screwing the bulb in is very complicated. Every socket has its own combination code that you must remember, much like a safe. Unlike a safe, entering the wrong combination is likely to make the device explode in your face, in a cloud of anthrax, sulphuric acid, napalm and fecal matter.
  8. Screw your bulb in according to your combination.
    1. Duck for cover if it's wrong.
    2. Sigh in relief if it's correct. Then duck for cover.
  9. Celebrate your triumph by inviting over the weirdo living on your front lawn, and accept when he offers you a handful of funny pills.
  10. (You can stop humming now.)
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