HowTo:Change a Lightbulb
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
| HowTo |
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
Welcome to the exciting and mysterious world of changing a light bulb. Many foolhardy people have tried to change a light bulb without this indispensable manual. The vast majority of them and have been badly burned and some have even perished. In fact, during the creation of this manual, four of out colleagues died due to the extremely hazardous nature of this procedure. It is with this in mind that we caution you; until you have mastered the techniques with realistic simulations:
DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME
You will need the following:
- A spare bulb
- Another bulb replacement, for when the first one breaks or explodes
- A helmet
- A flack vest
- A bucket of water
- Night vision goggles
- One spoon
- A ghost whisperer
- A suit made of glowsticks
- A metalic ladder (optional)
- A cyanide pill: if you do not succeed, be an hero
- The Qur'an
- An exhaustive dictionary of common and archaic English
- About nine liters of gasoline
- A stick of dynamite (use plastic explosives if available)
- A blood alcohol level of above 0.39
- A match
- An ordinance disposal container
- A jack hammer
- A stick
- Two small oranges
- A teaspoon of plutonium (weapons grade is optional, but preferred)
- An electric mixer
- The concept of time in a jar (optional)
- A top-of-the-line jock strap (necessary for either gender)
- Several copies of this manual
- A good attitude!
- Chuck Norris, just in case
- Step 1: Creating a Muslim extremist religious sect: You need to study the Qur'an.
Because you do not have the resources of a national government you will need to several willing volunteers to act as the guinea pigs, so that you won't die during the initial stages of changing a light bulb; you can watch others die and learn from their mistakes. The easiest way to do this is to create your own Muslim extremist sect. This will give you a nearly endless number of people willing to go meet their 40 virgins. Use the gasoline to dispose of any unsightly bodies.
- Step 2: You've seen how they do that has seen him make one of his mullaidines, now is your turn, but still does not dare. Take some 2,000 people and turn the home holds the bulb while you firm up the staircase.
But there is a hit. When you reach this point, it will be at night and no one will see or shit to a meter. It's time to use the night vision goggles. Neighbors complain of noise that makes turning home and threatening him with death, but did not desist in its goal of changing the bloody bulb, for that is the bulletproof vest for a possible assault of a neighbor. His head was uncovered ... well get the Bell.
- Step 3: Fix the foundation of your home, as they are both seriously damaged in turn. Take a bit of water to the foundations and merge with the earth around and stick make a homogeneous mass, and wait to harden the mixture in order to inhabit your home. If you wonder who the hell was to spoon as it is to get the goals by here.
Not only is there a way to change a light bulb without being injured or die in the attempt. Below we list the different ways you can take to change a light bulb:
1-Virtual reality: A bald man will choose the blue pill or red. With this method you do not burn or killed, but not actually change the lightbulb and spend days or months before the bald and his henchmen that you you have to convince Matrix is not a real.
2 - method Bruce Lee: "Do not set a way to change the bulb adáptala and build your own way to change the bulb, as I know the bulb. Empty your mind is amorphous, moldable, such as the bulb. If you put the bulb in a cup it becomes the cup. If you put the bulb in a bottle it becomes the bottle. If you put in a teapot it becomes the teapot. The bulb can flow or it can crash. Bulb Be my friend. "
3 -train some cats: Make a casting triumph or Operation X Factor to select the cats more prepared to learn the noble art of changing light bulbs to hold the sacred art of the ladder and the other five ancestral art of looking like they do. This method is somewhat desperate and somewhat absurd, really.
4 -Two blonds method: Collect two blonds and a ladder. instruct one to climb the ladder and hold the light and the other to spin the ladder counterclockwise.