HowTo:Catch A Predator
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edit Why Teenagers?
To catch a sexual predator is not an easy task. Most young teenage boys and girls are reluctant to give up their source of adult booty. Some teens see banging an adult as a sort of prize or trophy, likewise as an adult sees banging the young, provocative flesh of an adolescent boy or girl as the sweetest, most delicious nectar that can be obtained. The consequences for obtaining the precious, baby soft warmth of a teenager can be as minimal as a high five to as severe as the death penalty.
Let’s face it. Teenagers are more horny, willing, & plentiful than adults are. It is also a matter of the human anatomy. The fact is that after the teenager’s 18th birthday, the female Skene’s gland and the male prostate secretions turn to a bitter taste making oral sex between two otherwise healthy adults very unpleasant. Being that the teen has not fully developed physically, their receptors that decipher bitterness are unaffected from the bitter taste of the reproductive glands due to immature taste buds. For men, it can also be due to the fact that the younger body frame reminds them of an old fling or that they never were laid as an adolescent. For women, it is mostly because adult men like to follow the "Wham, Bam, Thank You Ma’am" and "One Night Stand" policies, which results in a very unfulfilled and unsatisfied woman.
edit Bait Them
With your sexy screen name registered, it is time to lure the predator out of lurking from the chat room into an IM (instant message). Find some pictures of a sexy teen on Google and post it on your profile. Be sure to print out the image in Figure A for the confrontation with the predator. Seeing how teenagers cannot read and write well, you will have to type as if you cannot either. Here are some translations:
- You = U, For = 4, And = N, In real life = irl, Oh my God = omg, Laugh out loud = lol, Roll on the floor laughing = rofl, Got to go = G2G/GTG. For a broader variety of their complicated language, refer here.
Once you are in the IM, tell the predator that you are lonely, your parents are gone for the weekend, anything that you yourself would want to hear from a young, succulent teen. The predator will most likely ask if you are a cop. Always respond with "r u 4real lol no im 14 <3". Give the predator your home address so the final trap can be set.
edit Set the Trap
Get some rope and tie it to a log to create a battering ram and set it up at your front door. Obtain some sharp pieces of wood and attach them to a flexible board that will strike the predator upon crossing a trip wire. Use grenade launcher rounds to construct exploding arrowheads. Then, dig a hole in the middle of your living room and put long wooden spikes at the bottom to ensure that the predator will become immobile upon falling in. Finally, let out your best war cry to alert the predator that you are ready to initiate mating.
edit The Interrogation
When you have the predator inside, act as if you are going to go get something in another room and will be back in a minute. Take off your clever disguise that you have printed out from Figure A and return with a list of questions and scripts of your chat with the predator. Here is one of the many conversations that have been obtained:
edit Now What?
After you have caught your predator, the humane thing to do is to let it loose back into the wild so it can continue its search for cherry pie. There is a predator within us all and in the end; you are just setting yourself up. Help us save the predator from extinction by donating an old computer, old webcams, your adolescent kids, but most importantly your money to the Save the Predator Foundation.
edit See Also
- Uncyclopedia:Sex Offender Registry
- Oscar Wilde
- Woody Allen
- UnNews:Host of NBC's "To Catch a Predator" arrested for attempted rape of a minor