HowTo:Break and Enter

Breaking and Entering

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This guide will show you the proper to break into your victims house to cause unspeakable horrors like tagging, looting, huffing his cat, some form of rape (if you're into that), murder, planting drugs, burning the house down, shitting in his toilet and not flushing, weeing on him whilst he sleeps, or whatever your sick little mind might conjure up you psychopath. (Oh, just as a thought, steal all of his moms dildoes and hide them in his room in an easy spot, just a thought.)

So You Want to Wreak Some Havoc

Wel first thing's first nancy, you need to choose a target carefully. Let's say this person stole your girlfriend, kicked your dog, ate your fruitcup from the fridge (even though i put a fucking nametag on it), or called you a really mean name, now you have what is called incentive (or a reason to be really really fucking mad at him/her). So now you have all of this pent up anger, what do you do? Haul off and kick their ass right there? Don't bother. Chances are they are bigger and stronger than your scrawney ass, but luckilly not too much smarter. We must first move on to what is known to the feds as stalking. You may be asking yourelf "What is stalking?" That's because you're a dumbass. But that's why I'm here.

Stalking 101

Now, to properly stalk your soon-to-be victim, forst you must ascertain (find out) the whereabouts of his/her abode (their house). Once you have said information, you must now pick a place some hundred feet or so away from them that you may use to spy. Old buildings/wearhouses, apartments or that creepy old lady's house across the street that suspiciousely has everything you will need will suffice. Next you will need some specific items in order to assist in your stalking.

The tools

All if not more of these divices will be necessary for keeping a tab on that fruitcup stealing bastard *ahem*, or whomever you may need to watch very very closely. you can find almost all of these tools in any department store (i suggest walmart, isle 562 is the "all stalker" isle). The list is as follows:

Binoculars: standard stalker equipment. These will be necessary for scoping closely on your "Stalkee" and keeping tabs on them. It is advised that you use either a very tinted window or one with the blinds closed most of the way to observe them without getting caught. (if you do get caught, stupid, see prison)

Telescope: this is only used for more advanced stalkers, or people who like to watch their neighbors do it. Ensure, if you get one, to get a dark colored one such as black or navy blue as a bright green one will be quite visable from the other window.

Notebook: write down any and all finds, especially ones that may be used for blackmail. Write down their lisence plate number and any description of the car for future use and maticuliosely record everything they do. Even what time they take a shit and how often. Every bit of information you have on this person is another way to screw them because you always know when their back will be turned.

Porn: and lots of it. Its a lonely life being a stalker (believe me i kno) so you must supply yourself with ample amounts of wackoff material for the long road ahead. Stalking may take from just a few weeks to a couple of months.

Lotion: (see above).

Food: ensure to have an ample supply of food in an easy to reach location. Make sure that if this food must be refrigerated or frozen, it has the proper holding equipment near another window so you do not lose any information.

A Restroom Near A Window: find one in a key location so that even on the shitter you can observe your victim. Remember, if it's yellow let it mellow.

Kittens: (see kitten huffing)

Now For The Good Part

Ok, so you've watched him/her day and night for weeks, found his/her strengths and weaknesses and even caught him/her jacking off, or whatever the women do, a time or two. You are now ready to wreak havoc. Let's compile what we have about this person into a single day event.

They awaken at 7:30am, strugglingly of course, after a night of heavy drinking, this usually occures on Fridays and Saturdays between 5:30pm and 1:00 or 2:00am. After stumbling for a moment and rubbing their bloodshot eyes constantly, they head for the bathroom for an early morning piss (if this is a woman then it should take about five or seven minutes. If a man about the same time accounting for morning wood).

After expelling said piss, the victim then heads sluggishly down the stairs for a casual breakfast. After this they will either return to bed for another few hours or sit their lazy ass down in front of their oversized idiot box and surf, as if a zombie, through all one thousand channels. At approxiamtely 1:25 they will leave for the bathroom again to further "drain the lizard" or "empty the taco", or just take a shit. after about ten aganizing minutes they will emerge and finally open the front door to retrieve the mail (depending on the day, if it's sunday it may be the news paper or your victim is a total idiot).

For the next four hours, this person will sit like a stone before the idiot box again until the idea to go out emerges (most likely due to the necessity for the opposite sex or booze, or both). at this the person will leave in their stylish red mini cooper special series with the folding roof down. They will normally not return for several hours either with or without a member of the opposite sex.

If they got lucky this opens doors for further fucking with, but i daigress. They fall into a drunken haze and begin shouting obsinities at the dog/cat about how their life is shit (though much better than yours). After passing out on the couch, half a bottle of jack in one hand, they will awaken long enough to finish the bottle off and stumble up the stairs the pass out again on their bed.

The Game Plan

Ok, this is it. The moment you have been waiting for. Your revenge. You know the plans. You know their life. And you know the consiquences (you don't? well if you pay close attention you won't have to find out).

It is currently 3:00am, you are dressed, rather stylishly in all black and have ensured to cover your face. First, find a wondow close to the ground and use a bb gun to put a small hole in the glass near the lock. Unlock the window and open. Vioala you are inside. you can also pck the front, back, or side door locks if you wish, but let's keep it simple.

Now we must account for the animals.

Big dog: ensure you brought a steak/bone/human leg as these will distract the animal from mauling the shit out of you. If you have the ability to, ensure to drug the food so that the dog falls into a very deep sleep as they will finish with that steak and leg very soon.

Medium sized dog: not too much of a threat (if you hate your balls). The best thing to do in the presence of this creature is to quickly hold its mouth shut and throw it outside, but don't take too long catching the little shit as this noise may awaken your victim, and then who is the victim?

Small dog: I would normally say to ignore this pathetic creature but in all honesty they don't know how to shut the fuck up. When faced with this attacher, it is best to just drop kick the shit out of it immediately (preferably out of the window you entered).

Cat: this animal doesn't give a shit who you are. It will mozy about as if you were its master. The best thing to do when faced with this creature is to huff it immediately, for cats are good to huff.

Cerberus: if in any case you happen to be stalking his/her owner, you are a fucking idiot. Leave now and prey to god it doesn't rip you into even sized edible chunks.

After all of the beasts are accounted for and taken care of, it is time to turn to your main duty. there is an absolute multitude of things to do freely in your attackers house, but you must remember to be quiet. Let's make a list of options that can be exploited in this shithole:

Piss in their toilet and then piss in the top part so that when he flushes piss comes out.

Hide their remotes.

Eat all of their food (or just throw it away).

Burn down their furniture.

Burn down their pets.

Burn them down.

Steal all of their cool shit.

Burn down all of their cool shit.

Steal their carpet.

Rape them.

Rearrange their house completely (this may require some strong friends).

Steal their car (for the more basic break in persons).

Bring in Chuck Norris to roundhouse kick them shit out of them, sending them into the atmosphere (but beware as Chuck may turn on you and kill you as well).

(Feel free to add an ideas you have in mind, it is greatly appreciated)

Escaping

So now the place is a wreck, the animals are indisposed, your enemy is probably in ass pain or some other sort of mental distress. Your work is done, right? Ha ha. WRONG! Now we must seal the deal and make sure that this asshole never touches my fucking fruitcup ever again *ahem*. First you must tie the sonofabitch to his bead and beat him with oranges (or soap... whatever floats your boat). leave him tied to his bead, a tube sock jammed in his mouth to shut him the fuck up. Now just leave through the window (or the door if you're just that badass) and sneak away quietly. Ensure that you took pictures to post on Facebook and Myspace and rejoice in your accomplishment.

Congratulations, you have just broke in, entered, and fucked their shit up. If not yet, then i hope this guide assists you in future endeavors.