HowTo:Blame Something Else For Your Problems
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“See its dem demacracks fault our kuntry in tamutuos times naa. If not for the E-Racke Wor an big oil companiez, Amurika woodd be hated by the wurl. ”
Ever been shouted at by a boss, colleague or teacher? Ever been insulted by friends or enemies because of your INCREDIBLY large head? If so, you've come to the right place. If none of the above applies to you, then continue to read this article as it may be useful later in your life (but seeing as you are sitting here reading this then it must be assumed that you have no life). This How to: hopes to show you how to escape the blame in all situations.
CAUTION: Some Effort is Required
RULES AND GUIDELINES
In the blame the most important thing to remember is that NOTHING is ever your fault. No matter how badly the incident was obviously your fault, you should remember that a confidence in the fact that you are not to blame and is infectious to any old moron. You must also be quick and snappy in handing off the blame to something else. This is key to the success of your blame game. A snappy and witty (or stupid) response can throw onlookers or accusers off guard and cause them to double over in fit of laughter, which in turn will cause them to forget all about the incident which was obviously your fault.
THINGS TO BLAME
This is the section where you, the blame get to be creative and yes, this section will require MORE effort, so make sure you have drank 3 red bulls and a can of Pepsi before continuing. Things to blame can be greatly varied. The can range from, but are not included to:
- Your dog/cat/mutated budgie (which is not very original, however, some idiots will still believe you)
- Your dear old mother (caution= may lead to boring conversations on responsibility)
- Your school/city/state/country's rival school/city/state/country/earth
- An example of this is: "Sorry, I forgot my homework because some of those New Zealand freaks were up to no good in my sheep paddock"
- The weather (more on this later)
A variety of things to blame is the key weapon in your arsenal. Running out of things to blame can have disastrous consequences, such as the blame being left with YOU!
RUNNING OUT OF IDEAS
You sir, are an idiot. You should, under no circumstances be reading this section unless you have a calculator CPU for a brain. However in aid of those suckers out there, there are 2 main ways of diverting blame when all else fails. They are as follows:
- Blaming on the first thing that pops into your head. However, this is likely to be a completely random and irrational thought, which will only be believed by a handful of idiots.
- Cunningly blaming the person that is blaming you! In other words, the blamer becomes the blamee. An example could be:
Boss: "Why haven't you come up with that proposal yet!?!" You: "Well, some files in needed from your computer were corrupted"
In any case, do not attempt to not make an attempt at shifting the blame. This will lead to the blame staying with you and potentially making you the target of future blaming by the people that learnt from this guide.
In the blame game, the weather is your most powerful ally. Whether it be shining brightly or blowing a gale, Raining heavily or downright humid, the weather can always be to blame. However, if looking for the weirdest and most wonderful weather event to blame something on, look no further than the El Nino event. In the past, many things such as WW1 + WW2, communism, Bill Gates, the spread of AIDS and Donald Trump's Hair (which is an entity unto itself) have been blamed on the friendly El Nino event. Although the El Nino only occurs in the Pacific, its effects may be felt all over the world. Yes, even in the Atlantic. Since the rest of the world uses this innocent weather event, be sure to make use of it once in a while. However, when blaming something on the El Nino, draw everyones attention to yourself. This makes for funny and interesting repercussions. An example could be: "Sorry I'm late sir, but that El Nino was playing havoc on the traffic"
Shifting the blame is a very precise art (third behind the art of Butt-Kissing) and as thus requires some effort. However, having read this guide from top to bottom, this sublime art should become almost like a second language (or third if you speak Klingon). Remember to have fun, and make sure to refer this guide to anyone who asks where you got your cunning and wacky blame shifters.