HowTo:Birdwatch

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The temptation to avoid putting a picture of a hot girl here was (I assure you) difficult to resist

Birdwatching, also known as birding, is a favorite past-time by many. Birdwatching ranks as the world's foremost extreme sport due to the high number of bird-caused casualties in the field.

CAUTION: Birding is an extremely dangerous sport and should not be attempted by the inexperienced.

[edit] Preparations

The most important part of birdwatching is being an extreme homo. If you wish to birdwatch then you must first become a homosexual. Go right now and find out how. Good so now that you are a homo you should be able to begin grasping how to birdwatch.

Now you must get your equipment. Being prepared is the most important step in enjoying your birdwatching experience. Many hundreds of thousands of unprepared people have been brutally murdered by such seemingly harmless birds as doves and whippoorwills. It is unfortunate but true; had these people simply been prepared, they would stay alive (or have died in one piece).

As the sport of birdwatching is extremely dangerous, one must have the correct equipment and training. Suggested gear includes:

kevlar body armor
AK-47
hand grenades
crucifix and holy water
a cyanide pill (for emergency use)
a big fat sack of balls
a nice pair of binoculars and a colorfully illustrated guide for correctly identifying your avian friends

[edit] Techniques

There are many dozens of techniques used for bird watching - many of which will results in prolonged, excruciatingly painful death. However, there are a few tried and true methods which may result in a non-lethal excursion in the world of birds.

the Hitler method The first step in the Hitler method is to choose a bird that you utterly despise. This will allow you to prevent your becoming at ease with the creature and allowing it to bring you to a horrific demise.

The second step involves bringing your friends and family to the same level of hate that you feel. Claim that, for instance - the [[Jew|blue footed booby}is undermining the moral values of society. Make them hate boobies as much as you do. If you are unable to do this, study public speaking and, when you talk to your friends and family, wave your arms around awkwardly and give the impression of being ill.

The third step involves equipping your friends and family with tremendous amounts of weaponry, taking them into the forest, and beginning a rampage on boobies. Be sure to note become to overeager, as your birdwatching experience may come to an abrupt end when the park ranger comes around and the mass suicides begin.

the Hitchcock method

See: The Birds

the Big Bird method

This method is encouraged if it is one's first birdwatching experience, though after experience in the art is gained, it might be useful to attempt one of the other methods.

The first step in this method is to purchase a large yellow bird suit. It need not be realistic; large, cumbersome, fragile, and bright, bright yellow are the only requirements (these may be purchased over the Internet at birdwatching enthusiast sites).

The second step is to become accustomed to moving in your new bird suit. Put it on and walk down the street in your local neighborhood. Sit in on a university lecture or go see a film (sit in the front row - sometimes it's hard to see through the little eye holes). Whatever it takes to get a feel for the suit, do it.

The third step is to head out into the field. A mating call of "Asking questions is a good way to find out!" and, "I guess it's better to be who you are. Turns out people like you best that way, anyway" screamed at the top of one's lungs in a high, wavering voice is suggested.

As the birds arrive to the sound of your mating calls, befriend them. Offer them advice and encourage them to be the best person they can be, and to tune in tomorrow at the same time.

When you decide it is time to go home, quickly remove your suit and scream "COOKIE MONSTAAAAAAAR" at the top of your lungs whilst simultaneously stuffing the creatures into your mouth.

[edit] FAQs

How long does it normally take to become an accomplished birdwatcher?

Usually the community deems you 'experienced' after a dozen watches.

How many people are injured while birdwatching?

Over nine-thousand reported cases of missing eyes have been reported. Many of the injured were longtime veterans of the sport - it goes to show that you can never let your guard down around the creatures.