| HowTo |
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
You might be asking yourself, if this psychokinesis stuff is really that easy, why don't I see psychics running around doing this sort of thing all the time? The answer is, truly gifted psychics keep their powers a secret. No one is more selfless than the true psychic. Who on Earth would want to develop these powers and run around using them willy-nilly? Can you imagine a true, respectable, hardworking psychic running past peoples' houses in the street, bending all the utensils in each one as he runs by? No, these are for emergency situations only. You never know when some special mind powers might come in handy — perhaps you may be imprisoned in a cage made entirely of spoons, one never knows for certain with the tricky bugger called fate. So let's get bending, shall we?
edit 1. The spoon
If you do not have a spoon, it is highly recommended you go out and buy one now. If you have a friend, or a neighbor you like to pretend is your friend, you may wish to borrow one. Warn them, however, that it may not come back in the same shape they gave it to you in! But if they have a lot of spoons in their drawers it should hardly be a worry.
Become one with the spoon. Examine its metallic surface, take note of any designs on it. You and that spoon are going to be very close in the next few days, so be sure to remain on good terms with it! You may wish to name your spoon, or perhaps take it out to a movie. Bonding is important here.
edit 2. The mind
If you do not have a mind, it is highly recommended you go out and steal one now. If you have a friend, or a neighbor you like to pretend is your friend, you may wish to borrow one. Warn them, however, that they might die in the process! But if they have a lot of brains floating around in their closets it should hardly be a worry.
Interestingly, the myth that the average human only uses ten percent of their mind is false. The evidence can be seen in Fear Factor, lawyers, the school system and the majority of the government: It is closer to three and a half percent. It's time to unlock your true potential and truly give that spoon what for!
edit Mental aerobics
Now that you've gathered up your materials, take a seat. Before you can try bending anything, first we've got to make sure your mind is in the proper shape! So sit up, now, and let's do some mental aerobics.
Put on a nice long beard and contemplate the questions of the universe. What is the sound of one hand clapping? What is the sound of three hands clapping? If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, how much wood can a woodchuck chuck into a black hole before it is engulfed in the massive gravitational pull?
Politics is the psychic's best friend. It questions reality and chucks common sense out the window faster than a woodchuck chucking wood (if it could). Virtually any meditation on the political world will be enough to stretch the beginning psychic's mind beyond the limits.
edit Make up your own
The psychic world is a growing community! Feel free to discover your own technique and publish it for the good of the world. You may get some money out of the deal as well, but keep in mind that money is not what the psychic profession is about. This is why you do not see a psychic winning the lottery; this is terribly wrong and greedy. Please remember that you are entering a new, powerful region of your brain. Do not waste even an ounce of this power on frivolous means.
edit Spoon bending
Okay! It's now time to bend a spoon using only your mind. There are several ways to go about this; none of these work a hundred percent of the time for all people, so jumble them up a bit until you find one that works for you.
edit Mental pictures
- Beach balls do not work. It must be made of fire.
- Channeling does not require you to pick up the remote control.
- Beach balls on fire do not count.
- Your mental imagery system may not be working. Borrow someone else's brain (fixing it yourself only leads to trouble).
edit The verbal method
Talk to the spoon. Maybe go into its life a bit. Did it have a happy childhood? What were its dreams? Did it one day want to become a tablespoon, or something even bigger? Lull it into a false sense of security. Then convince it to bend by shouting at it: "Bend! Bend! Bend!"
- A non-responsive spoon may make conversation difficult. Even though it may feel like a one-sided conversation, plow on.
- A responsive spoon may mean you have voices in your head and thus split personality disorder. Send your brain in for servicing so they can weld your personality back together before attempting this again (and do be more careful with your psyche next time).
- Cursing or threatening to send the spoon in for another dishwasher run will not work, and nervousness will only tense up the spoon further. If you have already managed to screw up, give it a bit of a massage.
edit The half-and-half method
While commanding your spoon to bend, help it along a little with your hands. The metal in the spoon has been softened by your invisible ball of fire and your smooth tongue. Thanks to your psychokinesis powers, a spoon unbendable by hands alone can now yield to even the slightest touch.
If the sucker still won't bend, applying force from your feet may also be necessary. Some spoons are particularly resilient to psychic powers — these are the skeptics of the spoon community — and power tools may be required to finish the job. Don't worry, it's not you — it's the spoon's utter disbelief.
More often than not, the half-and-half method is the most effective method to use. Most psychics prefer it, in fact. It is a combination of your psychic talents and a little bit of tweaking in the physical world.
- If, by this point, you are still unable to bend a spoon, do some self searching. Find what it is, deep inside yourself, that is not allowing your power to flow into the spoon's metal.
- Heat is good. Heating up the spoon will allow your brainwaves to flow into it more easily, and thus allow it to be bent easier.
- Searching through your pockets is not self searching.
- Remember, chicken soup is good for the soul.
- If you are being sued by Uri Geller for copyright infringement, use a spork.
- Muttering there is no spoon will not work. Honestly, how are you supposed to bend something that isn't there?
You've just bent a spoon! Now you can impress your friends with the first step of your journey into the supernatural. Some people may even pay to see your amazing powers with spoons. But you've still got far to go! It will take years and years of hard training before you can become a true psychic.
|Featured Article (read another featured article)|
This article has been featured on the front page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.
|Featured HowTo: Article|