HowTo:Become an Evil Genius

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Gorillatrans.gif HowTo 
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos

Ah, so you want to be an evil genius, do you? It's not entirely hard to do. In fact, it's incredibly easy, as long as you follow ALL of these steps below. You'll be on your way to taking over the world in no time.


Contents

edit Coming up with a motive

In order to become an evil genius, you need a reason to do so. Many evil geniuses were picked on in school, lost their taco, or used to be part of the Bush administration. Or maybe you just want power. Or money, even? Yes, I can see that hungry look in your eye. You'll need that to be an evil genius. It's called having "crazy eyes". A necessity. But settle down, we have a long way to go.

edit Deformities

Many evil geniuses have deformities. Of all kinds. Deformities of the face and hands is not uncommon. You may want to give yourself a deformity of sorts, it'll make you much scarier.
A deformity like this, and you'll become an evil genius in no time!
Something like an electronic eye, or hand made of blades will do. They also will help you out as you can customize them with a little hot rod flame job or something. Anyway... yes, on we go.

edit Naming your evil alter-ego

Parading around in your evil genius form whilst still being called your normal name is a BIG NO-NO, for obvious reasons. So now, the fun part. Naming your evil alter-ego. Did you remember to give yourself a deformity? Good. A great method to name yourself is to base it around your deformity (like Dr. Redeye, Bladehand, or Robo-penis. Get creative!).

Oh, sure, you could name yourself something simple like Dr. Evil or Mr. Sinister, but when did I ever say this was supposed to be easy? What? No I didn't! Yeah, well, you wait here while I check. Oh never mind. (I never said that...)

edit Picking your evil lair

Now it's time to pick your evil lair. I have suggestions but if you ever want more choices, please contact your local evil lair dealer. Now, your evil lair should reflect your personality. Like if you get angry easily, it should be a volcano. If you like alcohol, it should be an abandoned bar. Below is a list of great places for an evil lair.
Your friendly, local Evil Lair Dealer.
  • Volcano
  • Submarine
  • Cave
  • Your parents' basement (although this is frowned upon by the Evil Community)
  • Abandoned Warehouses
  • Old Mansions
  • Mine shafts (heh heh, shaft.)
  • Abandoned Bars
  • Remote Islands
  • The Moon
  • Wall Street

Happy hunting!

edit Picking your evil Henchman

A Henchman is something you'll need to carry out sticky assignments like assassinations and recording the football game on Sunday. They should be unpredictable, be able to turn the average man into a red smear, and should also have weird deformities. Below are some types of henchmen you should consider and names of some available henchmen (Henchmen can be found in the yellow pages under "evilness").

  • Midgets
  • Igor
  • Ex-wrestlers
  • Cad
  • Space Lizards
  • Terran Space Marines
  • Pirate Ninja Jesus's offspring. (Millions)
  • The man with metal teeth
  • Thomas
  • Anne-Kath Hærland
  • Ex-special ops
  • Vladimir Putin
  • People with sharp teeth
  • Evil clowns
  • Supermodel Ninjas
  • Grues (if you can control them)
  • A plant
  • Your Evil Ipod (unless you have that crappy shuffle that doesn't do shit)
  • A Cat (preferably ones that have been trained not to kill you)
  • Me myself and I
  • White women (Being followed by white women can make you very powerful, [Oprah discovered that a long time ago])

edit Fashion Dahling!

Any style conscious Evil Genius must have the right look. Nehru collar suits or jackets are always a winner as are your basic robo-exoskeleton. If you are an Evil Genius who sometimes appears in respectable circles (such as Board meetings of your fictitious multinational business front company or giving speeches to the UN) you will also need a nice British tailored three piece suit with power tie. Cyborg body replacement parts are a nice power accessory. Simple metal claws are very old school, but robotic hands, laser monocles, or bionic limbs will wow all of your Evil Genius colleagues at the next EvilCon. Other ides:

  • Facial Hair: Goatees, van Dyke Beards, those tiny Mustaches (See Lenin or Hitler), and those razy long French mustaches (see Captain Hook).
  • Antique Eye Wear: You cannot go wrong with a monocle or pinz-nez.
  • Jewelery: ALWAYS a no-no (UNLESS it is necklace holding a computer chip or power granting amulet that the hero must never be allowed to take).
  • Minions: Make sure all of your minions have color coordinated athletic jump suits. Don't spend too much on these though. Minions are easily replaceable.

edit Picking your arch-nemesis

Now it's time to decide who your enemy is. Make it someone who keeps coming back from the dead because they're pretty much all of the heroes. Here is a list of people to choose from.

  • Austin Powers
  • 007
  • Gandhi
  • Nelson Mandela
  • Robert Mugabe
  • Members of Congress
  • America
  • The West
  • Bruce Willis
  • Elvis Aaron "Where's my Angus Burger, Bitch?!" Presley
  • Miley "Neo-Nazi" Cyrus
  • Or anyone in general that believes in good, helping others or some other kind or friendly riff-raff
  • Professer Hershel Layton
  • The next section
  • do not forget to kill justin bieber

edit Starting the whole disaster

Alright, you got it? Motive, check. Deformities, check. Catchy name, check. Evil Lair, check. Henchmen, check. Now it's time to start blowing up people! Good luck and remember: have fun!...Wait, what are you doing?! AGHHHH!!!*BOOM!!!*

edit Related People

  • Stephen Essex
Retrieved from "http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/HowTo:Become_an_Evil_Genius"
Personal tools
projects
Stillwaters chronarion.org