HowTo:Become an Assassin
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“If it feels good, do it!”
“The bitch has to die.”
So you want to tackle with the ageless activity known as assassination? You knocked on the right door! This article is an introduction to the sacred art of murdering your fellow human beings.
Remember that style really is the Holy Grail here. Why be satisfied with a botched murder when you could take your sweet time to savour your work's beauty and contemplate the end result of your mesmerizing power splattered all over the place? Be aware though that as unbelievable as it may seem, the person on the receiving end of the assassination will sometimes try to destroy all your hard work in an attempt to abort the maneuver. Here we present 7 steps to make sure that you don't end up putting the ass into assassin.
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Step 1: Cultivating the Assassin Personality
In terms of gender, you have two choices: you can be male or female. If you choose male, you have to work on becoming as quiet, methodical, and creepy as possible. Think Jean Reno in Leon, in which case masturbating over a young Natalie Portman is part of your remit. If you go for the female vibe, you have to sex things up - Uma Thurman in Kill Bill, or that woman in Nikita are your starting points. Big breasts are recommended. Whatever your genitals, your mode of killing will determine your personality: if you plan to be a sniper, it's better to say nothing, or very little, dress in black, and shuffle around unnoticed with a non-descript bag. If you are planning to get up close and personal, beating or stabbing your victims, it is imperative that you have a number of cool/amusing phrases at your disposal.
Step 2: Becoming a Ninja/Buying Weapons
This leads us to our next step. The getting-up-close option is not for the faint hearted. Many people are good fighters - much better than the average Uncyclopedia reader. The last thing you want as an assassin is to get kicked in the nuts at your first gig. Therefore it's a good idea to convert yourself into a bad-ass ninja. Training programs tend to be based in the Far East, but a little online research will pay for itself, as you are likely to find cheaper options provided you are happy to train in less 'authentic' places, such as India, or Swiss Cottage.
Weapons are an entirely different consideration. Some people say that guns are a coward's weapon. Let's see how confident they are saying that with your .44 pressed to their eyelid! If you are American, it is important to try to buy your firearm legally, because, if you commit a massacre, this allows the press to spend a token 5 minutes questioning gun control in the country.
Step 3: Choosing a Target
Another critical step before falling prey to a blinding rage is opting for a receptacle for that rage to flow upon. Targets of interest for an assassination include, but are not limited to:
Muammar Gaddafi(UPDATE! List completed!) Osama bin Laden Princess Diana OJ Simpson's wife Colonel Sanders
It is worth mentioning that any improvisation in this department is welcome, as it is in unpredictability that men are distinguished from the boys. You will indeed have a greater impact and benefit from the element of surprise. No one would blink an eye if the president of South Korea was blown to pieces tomorrow, but imagine the fuss if someone tampered with Stephen Hawking's brakes and took out the world's most famous physicist!
Having said that, many assassins prefer to keep things political, distancing themselves from regular 'killers'. If you fancy getting a political bigwig in your crosshairs, go for someone who the US gives a shit about, otherwise you run the risk of not achieving the fame you might.
Step 4: Obsessive Surveillance
You have to track your target's every move. Where do they work? Where do they live? What form of transport do they take? Do they decadently smoke a cigarette out on the balcony after making passionate love to their spouses? These things will help you to choose an appropriate time and place for the assassination. Bear in mind that, while it is important to remember details, taking notes can be incriminating. If you write things down, you might want to write words backwards, or use a foreign language, like French, which no one will understand. If you post on Twitter or Facebook about your plans, remember to delete all posts after the actual killing. And use different internet cafes each time you log on. And only use your time on the internet for this purpose. And use the name of a different Uncyclopedian on your profiles.
Step 5: Plan Your Approach
Sometimes, you get lucky. Perhaps your target walks along a bridge every morning and you can simply hide a firearm in your umbrella and shoot him in the chest, or maybe he dines in the same restaurant every lunchtime, in which case you can slip Polonium-210 into his drink, and it's all over before you can say Litvinenko. On other occasions, however, things won't be so clear cut. We have all cheered excitedly, watching snipers picking innocent people off in movies, but the question for you is: How do I get up to that rooftop opposite my target's house? A surprising number of street doors and roof terraces are locked - and even worse, some people live opposite houses, not apartment buildings. It pays to plan ahead, and a plumber's identity card and a winning smile can literally open doors.
Step 6: Do it! Do it!
In the moment of killing, you are likely to feel occasional pangs of humanity, especially the first dozen times. You need to swallow these down and breathe them out through your deadly, evil, killer's nose. Take heart in the belief that many men have passed along this way before you. Few of us can claim to have managed a million clean kills (this would be the equivalent of every one of your Uncyclopedia articles being featured, and voted for by 'General of All Branches of the Military and the Head of the State Police Eric). Many times, you will feel like a bumbling, stumbling amateur, but bear in mind there is one solution to sloppiness - kill your way through it. Pull that trigger, press that knife between the ribs, cut that Princess' brake wires. Do what you were born to do!
Step 7: Walking Off Like a Boss
Many assassins soil themselves in the moments before or during the act. It's important to forget about this and retain an air of superiority. Many common or garden killers run off after murdering someone, assassins don't. We do not "flee the scene". We walk off like bosses. We slide our rifles discreetly into our duffle bags and disappear on the subway. We move smartly and without panic away from our target while everyone else rushes towards him. We check we haven't left anything in the grassy knoll and then we report back for work the next day at the Pentagon to aid the framing project.
As we have seen in this brief exposé, assassination can be quite an entertaining and fulfilling modus vivendi. Here are some things to avoid at all costs while murdering everything that moves:
- Showing forgiveness: Heavily frowned upon.
- Being on the receiving end of the murder: As in all things, the satisfaction is greater when you give than when you receive.
- Letting some people escape: So much fun wasted. It might also bring inconveniences later on.
- Delivering death, then dismembering or skinning the body: Contrary to proper étiquette. The motto is, "If there's time, there's time to butcher."
Finally, the following appendices might serve you as sources of learning: a few examples of inspirational people, some of the mo-fos they took out, and plausible scenarios which may serve as provocation for murder.
Appendix A: Assassins and what they teach us
Quite literally, the assassin's assassin. Ruby was so incensed by Lee Harvey Oswald's assassination of JFK (see Historical assassination victims, below) that he felt the only way to "redeem the city" of Dallas in the eyes of the world was to kill someone else (See UnNews:Afghanistan death toll closing in on 9/11 target for George Bush's extrapolation of this logic). He was provided with a gun by the CIA, who also wanted Oswald dead, for slightly different reasons - they didn't want a trial to take place.
Approached Abraham Lincoln from behind in a theater, shot one hole through the President's iconic hat to humiliate him, and another right in his emancipating face. Wilkes Booth's final words before pulling the trigger,"I'ma gonna kill you, dognammit!" have gone down in history. It marked a curious period in American history, in which the North's reaction to the South's desire for independence was to beat it until it agreed to remain part of the country, and the South's reaction after surrendering was to kill the President of the newly reinforced Union. The domestic equivalent would be a wife declaring she wanted to leave her husband, the husband then raping her until she promised not to go, and then the wife killing her unborn child. Which is ironically not popular in the South.
Assassinated Robert Kennedy, brother of John, simply because it was in fashion. No one usually remembers his name, or the details, except it happened at a press conference or something. Remember - no one likes a copycat assassination, although maybe it was inevitable that Sirhan would go for repetition, given the nature of his name.
Pulled the trigger on Osama bin Laden himself, after expressing concerns that people were still confusing their names. Did an impression of Jules Winnfield, Samuel L Jackson's character in Pulp Fiction, but read key passage from the modern international version of the Bible, missing out on the poetry and impact of the King James version.
Shot dead John Lennon after the former Beatle released a book of unamusing puns and sophomoric illustrations. Contrast Chapman with George Harrison's would-be killer - whoever he is - and note the two lessons to be learned: when assassinating rockstars, go for the best one in the group, and get the job done.
Assassinated pop music with her song Friday.
Appendix B: Historical Assassination Victims
He angered the Romans beyond belief when he proclaimed himself the Son of God. He was infamously betrayed by that damn snitch, Judas. The Romans brought Jesus to downtown Jerusalem where he was publicly beaten, flogged, stabbed, hanged, crucified, skinned, cut to pieces, beheaded, dismembered and beheaded again.
“Hahaha! That didn't hurt at all! Argh! Fuck! That one did! ”
Upon return from the crusades, they had garnered fortune and power, which has always been frowned upon by the Vatican, whose owners like to keep fortune and power safe with them. They were conveyed to a huge festive BBQ orchestrated by the Pope. Little did they know they were scheduled to literally be the center of the festivities and they were roasted to a perfection. It is rumoured that 200 trees were spared thanks to the Templars' flammability.
During a presidential visit in Dallas, John F. Kennedy was assassinated [by Lee Harvey Oswald, not] by the CIA. According to the Agency, the lone killer shot 3 rounds, despite evidence that ███████████████████. Oswald ██████ carried out the assassination because he was ██████ [bored]. The CIA ██ [did not have] every reason to kill the President.
The great civil rights leader was taken out by a white supremacist, who believed that as long as white people continued killing senior black political figures, any grass-roots political action would be undermined. His beliefs were ultimately proved wrong, of course, because the death of King only led to... wait a minute! It led to the de-politicization of African-Americans and the celebration of the under-culture and the ghetto, as epitomized by gangster rap! Boy, sometimes the assassins who look stupid are the smartest!
Malcolm X's assassination is less clear cut. Some claimed it was committed by aesthetes who liked the symmetry of two Kennedys being killed, alongside two big black cheeses. Others blame Malcolm's refusal to return the X he stole from the nascent Fed Ex company, which - reluctantly - called itself Fed E until Malcolm's untimely death.
They say it was an accident. But we all know. A drunk French driver? Yeah right! How many French people do you know who even drink alcohol? She was so full of life when she died - specifically she had the embryo of a little Muslim boy inside her. An Islamic half-brother of the future King of England? Not on your nelly.
Appendix C: Plausible scenarios
Armed with that invaluable knowledge, here are some killing scenarios that might inspire a wannabe assassin.
- George is out with a friend, Jim, on a holiday to the countryside. He suspects his friend of flirting with his wife, but very loosely. However, he is utterly irritated by the noise that logger is making with his damn chainsaw, so he gets out of the hostel to politely point out to the logger that lumberjacking at 3AM is rude. While on his way to said logger, something snaps. He is no longer George: he is now THE AVENGER! Grabbing a nail-spiked wooden plank, he mauls the machinery wielding dumbass with it. He then proceeds to grab the chainsaw and after slowly cutting hands, feet, arms and legs, THE AVENGER decapitates the now-howling man in a swift move of FURY. Armed with the chainsaw and sporting a sadistic grin, THE AVENGER (formerly George, middle-aged white collar) disembowels every living soul in the hostel lobby before concentrating THE FURY on Jim, who he manages to kill bare-handed by snapping his neck after shattering every bone in his damn body with the aforementioned wooden plank. George goes back home to his family a changed man.
- After years and years of being the subject of pleasantries by co-workers and suffering a constantly unsatisfied boss, Steve has had more than enough. Today he carries a surprise in his attaché case. So when Richard asks him "Wassup, assface?", the bully is promptly answered by a quick cranium destruction thanks to the hammer Steve produces. Amidst all the screaming and chaos that ensues, he absentmindedly bludgeons 2 or 3 other co-workers but his focus is elsewhere. RAGE flowing in his veins and MURDER overwhelming his mind, his steps take him to his superior's office, the same man that has wronged him numerous times. Suffice it to say that not a single bone, ligament nor joint were left intact after the half-an-hour "briefing". Satisfied with his job and eyes shining with pleasure, Steve throws this screaming, dislocated scumbag out the window of the 34th floor to meet his untimely death.