HowTo:Become an Assassin
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“If it feels good, do it!”
So you want to tackle with the ageless activity known as assassination? You knocked on the right door! This article is an introduction to the sacred art of murdering your fellow human beings.
Remember that style really is the Holy Grail here. Why be satisfied with a botched murder when you could take your sweet time to savour your work's beauty and contemplate the end result of your mesmerizing power splattered all over the place? Be aware though that as unbelievable as it may seem, the person on the receiving end of the assassination will sometimes try to destroy all your hard work in an attempt to abort the maneuver. Granted, such utter contempt for the practice is immoral, but be warned: this weird behavior did occur in discarded test subjects.
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Contents |
edit Choosing a weapon
This step is critical to any would-be assassin, as it dictates the level of enjoyment one will extract from the act. Note that said level varies depending on the individual. Choose what works for you!
- Baseball bat: Great for slow-killing aficionados.
- Bare-handed: A man's true love of assassination is expressed that way.
- Hammer: Works well for temporary rages at work.
- Sniper rifle: For those moments when you need to take out more than one.
- Grenade: Weapon of choice in crowded areas.
- Machine gun: Last resort. When all else fails.
It is good to note that bonus points are distributed for variety in the weaponry department and originality in the manner of carrying out the assassination. For example, one could enjoy a baseball bat bone-shattering nirvana followed by some hammer work. Don't be afraid to let your imagination wander and most importantly, enjoy the moment!
edit Plausible scenarios
The following is for reference only. You should try to develop your own style.
Armed with that invaluable knowledge, here are some killing scenarios that might inspire a wannabe assassin.
- George is out with a friend, Jim, on a holiday to the countryside. He suspects his friend of flirting with his wife, but very loosely. However, he is utterly irritated by the noise that logger is making with his damn chainsaw, so he gets out of the hostel to politely point out to the logger that lumberjacking at 3AM is rude. While on his way to said logger, something snaps. He is no longer George: he is now THE AVENGER! Grabbing a nail-spiked wooden plank, he mauls the machinery wielding dumbass with it. He then proceeds to grab the chainsaw and after slowly cutting hands, feet, arms and legs, THE AVENGER decapitates the now-howling man in a swift move of FURY. Armed with the chainsaw and sporting a sadistic grin, THE AVENGER (formerly George, middle-aged white collar) disembowels every living soul in the hostel lobby before concentrating THE FURY on Jim, who he manages to kill bare-handed by snapping his neck after shattering every bone in his damn body with the aforementioned wooden plank. George goes back home to his family a changed man.
- After years and years of being the subject of pleasantries by co-workers and suffering a constantly unsatisfied boss, Steve has had more than enough. Today he carries a surprise in his attaché case. So when Richard asks him "Wassup, assface?", the bully is promptly answered by a quick cranium destruction thanks to the hammer Steve produces. Amidst all the screaming and chaos that ensues, he absentmindedly bludgeons 2 or 3 other co-workers but his focus is elsewhere. RAGE flowing in his veins and MURDER overwhelming his mind, his steps take him to his superior's office, the same man that has wronged him numerous times. Suffice it to say that not a single bone, ligament nor joint were left intact after the half-an-hour "briefing". Satisfied with his job and eyes shining with pleasure, Steve throws this screaming, dislocated scumbag out the window of the 34th floor to meet his untimely death.
edit Historical assassination victims
Great place to get the inspiration for your next killing spree.
edit Jesus
He angered the Romans beyond belief when he proclaimed himself the son of God. He was infamously betrayed by that damn snitch, Judas. The Romans brought Jesus in downtown Jerusalem where he was publicly beaten, flogged, stabbed, hanged, crucified, skinned, cut to pieces, beheaded, dismembered and beheaded again.
“How come that doesn't hurt?”
edit Templar Knights
Upon return from the crusades, they had garnered fortune and power, which was frowned upon by the Vatican. They were conveyed to a huge festive BBQ orchestrated by the Pope. Little did they know they were scheduled to literally be the center of the festivities and they were roasted to a perfection. It is rumoured that 200 trees have been spared thanks to the Templars' flammability.
edit JFK
More recently, during a presidential visit in Dallas, John F. Kennedy was assassinated by Harvey Lee Oswald, not by the CIA, says the CIA. According to the Agency, the lone killer shot 3 rounds, despite overwhelming evidence that ███████████████████. Oswald carried out the assassination because he was bored, not the CIA who had every reason to kill the President, a statement issued by the CIA explains. But a recently leaked document shows that the CIA ████████████████████.
edit Choosing a target
Another critical step before falling prey to a blinding rage is opting for a receptacle for that rage to flow upon. Targets of interest for an assassination include, but are not limited to:
Muammar Gaddafi(UPDATE! List completed!)Osama bin LadenJFKOJ Simpson's wifeColonel Sanders
It is worth mentioning that any improvisation in this department is welcome, as it is in unpredictability that men are distinguished from the boys. You will indeed have a greater impact and benefit from the element of surprise, which will grant you the opportunity to devise countless combos on your subjects.
edit Conclusion
As we have seen in this brief exposé, assassination can be quite an entertaining and fulfilling modus vivendi. Here are some things to avoid at all costs while murdering everything that moves:
- Showing forgiveness: Heavily frowned upon.
- Being on the receiving end of the murder: As in all thing, the satisfaction is greater when you give than when you receive.
- Letting some people escape: So much fun wasted. It might also bring inconveniences later on.
- Delivering death, then dismembering or skinning the body: Contrary to proper étiquette. Reverse the course of action.
- Having a reason: Totally optional.
Finally we leave you with a list of inspirational people, and some sound advice: please kill responsibly, but not moderately.
edit Famous assassins
- Rebecca Black - She assassinated pop music with her song Friday.
- Charlie Sheen - Indirectly responsible for hundreds of deaths in the Mexican Drug Cartels.
- OJ Simpson - Oooopss, sorry. This author made a mistake, says uncorrupted jury.
- George W. Bush - Assassinated a squirrel when he was 10. Also, 1 million people in the Middle-East.
- Jack the Ripper - All-around nice guy. He was a great family man. A great neighbor too. (It just happens he killed a lot of people.)
- Roadrunner - Inadvertently assassinated The Coyote numerous times.
