HowTo:Become a total loser
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|It is requested that an image or images be included in this article to improve its quality.|
Hey there, sport! Have you been thinking lately, in your place of work, or school, "Wow, I am too respected, and thus I get plenty of responsibilities!"? Do you not like being respected as a mentally stable person, getting promoted, getting on the honours list etcetera? Of course you don't! Who needs a raise or a scholarship anyways? So, sport, I'll teach you how to become the biggest loser this world has ever seen. When you walk into a building, a sense of shame, and that oh-so-desired lack of responsibility, will literally orbit around you! Well, sport, this program is like a 12 Step Program, like AA or something else for addicted idiots. I'll teach you to become the biggest loser ever, in 30 days!
edit Day One
Well, you just woke up from your slumber. Make sure to wake up around 3 P.M in the afternoon, and be enormously late to your work. What car do you have? A fine middle class Toyota, or a higher class Mercedes Benz? Who gives a shit? Get rid of that "Mr. Success" car right now, and go to your local used car dealership (make sure the owner is from Bulgaria or some other obscure former Eastern Bloc country, and only imports cars from his nation of origin), and buy the car being sold for $300.00!
Now drive your fine automobile into your place of work, and enter your office/cubicle or whatever you work in. This will promptly get you fired, destroy your Lada Kalina, and give you a hefty fine and a couple court dates. Now, you see, your first step to Loserdom is to be oblivious. When your raging boss storms up to you, attempts to beat the ever-loving shit out of you, and lectures you on 'how much of a fucking retard' you are, tune him out. Look at a fly or something, and have a stupid look on your face.
But how do you form a stupid look? You squint your eyes, have your mouth absent-mindedly gapping open, and have your head rock back and forth, but slowly, so it looks like it is being pushed by the wind.
Time to get your first ride home in a police car! Call the police assholes or something of the kind, and spit on the seats, and sing a heavy metal song, and scream. When you get home, to finish this fine day, you will give yourself a black eye, for the "bad ass" look.
edit Day Two
Now, sell your house/apartment to someone for $20.00. Do not take any of the belongings from your house. Walk to your parents house, and move into a little room in their basement. Now, go to your local tattoo parlour. Take your dog or pet with you, this is a must. Get there, slip the tattoo artist $40.00 under the table to get the initials YOLO tattooed on your forehead, then on your pets nose.
If your animal hasn't bled to death yet, go to a local river valley. Have sex with the dog on a main path. Make loud grunting noises, understood?
Go home, and complain about how tired you are to your parents. They will say "OK, dear!", because they're senile old fools, like you once were! Go to sleep at 4 A.M, and wake up at 3 P.M. However, make sure not to set any specific alarm clocks, as this would give the perception you are punctual. We wouldn't want that, would we? If you hear the slightest pitter-patter of footsteps, flip right out, and go smoke three cigarettes outside.
edit Day Three
Good morning, sport! Today we're going to get you a reputation around the city/town. Ever wanted to do some extravagant stunt, so people would notice you for once? Oh wait, people used to notice you for a good work ethic and good marks, like some 'valedictorian', which is Latin for 'will never get a real job'.
Go to the top of a water tower, if you live in a small town. Climb to the top of a small skyscraper if in a city. Phone the police saying, "I've got a jumper at <insert address here>, faggots!!!", and promptly hang up. When the police show up and ask to your demands, ask for something unintelligible, and, impossible to be fuffilled. Say, "My name is Mr. Andrew, and I'm a Jehovah's Witness! I wear a Punisher T-Shirt, and I demand you kill all homeless people by tonight or I'll jump!". With your attention span, you'll jump after 10 minutes, so do it! Jump, flail, scream something like, "WHY DIDN'T YOU KILL THE FUCKING HOMELESSSSSS???!!!!", then plummet to your new best friend the pavement. Introduce your face to the pavement.
edit Day Four
I read the paper today sport, and you're on the front page! The headline is... 'IDIOT JUMPS OFF WATER TOWER'. Oh wait, you're in a hospital bed on life support! My work here is done, by the looks of it, you loser! Now let me just grab the life-support machine cord and... Yoink!
edit Day Five
I drain your bank account and go on a vacation on the French Riviera! Couldn't have done it without you champ! No, that's wrong... I could have done it without you. But then I would have to spend some of my own money. It's easier to just take it from an idiot and enjoy a free vacation.