HowTo:Become a Dictator

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“When the Domination becomes trite, the time for Submission begins”

~ Oscar Wilde on being a Dictator
Bill Gates, on his way to be a dictator, after following our HowTo guide. See him holding the flag of the Empire as the people cheer? That'll be you soon!

Do you like the idea of gigantic hordes of people rhythmically shouting out your name? Would you like to oversee a military parade from the balcony of your luxurious palace? Are your looks so gorgeous that everybody should be able to admire them in lurid posters all over the town? Would you like to plan a uniform for yourself? Would things be better if you were in charge? Are you just what this country needs? Would you like to hold the destiny of a nation in your mortal hands? Do you want these questions to stop? If your answer is yes (and it should be), this is the article for you. Ah, dictatorship. Just like playing Sid Meier's Civilization, only a lot cooler.

If you still hesitate, there are thoroughly rational arguments for becoming a dictator. It might even be essential for your own safety. Dictatorship is the only effective* way of running a government. Dictatorship is also great fun, provided you get to be the dictator. This is why you should read this article. If you are not fast enough some nosy son-of-a-bitch may organize a coup in your country before you even get the chance. Why let him have all the fun? You must act fast if you want to rule your own country with an iron fist. Remember, a democratic government might succumb to authoritarian rule at any moment. Hurry! Read this article before it’s too late. You don’t want to see gigantic propaganda posters on the walls of public buildings featuring anybody else but you. Don't let idiots rule a country when you could do it a lot better!

*ie: Coolest

Contents

[edit] Things you can do in a dictatorship that you can’t do in a democracy

HowTo 
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  • avoid paying taxes.
  • be late for work.
  • get a taxi when you need one.
  • design your country’s flag.
  • get promoted easily.
  • make the neighborhood quiet and peaceful at night.
  • get past the queues.
  • park your car where you damn well please.
  • Make sexy girls walk around completely naked, begging for sex.
  • Afford a PS3.

[edit] Planning

SHORTCUT ALERT: If planning political Coups is too much work for you skip to the "Invent Your Own Country Section".

Think ahead, go to Dictator school. There is one located somewhere in Nevada. You may also want go to Mexico to build your army.


There are basically two ways of getting absolute power in your hands, A) careful planning and B) sheer luck. You will probably need a balanced combination of both. Get yourself a proper education. There are no overeducated dictators. Nowadays, an officer rank is highly recommended for aspiring dictators. And remember: once you are in power, you can promote yourself endlessly to higher ranks. Muammar Qaddafi is a Colonel, Idi Amin was a Deputy Commander of the army, and Pervez Musharraf is a General. Latin America has until recently been so crowded with officers-turned-dictators that some were washed to the sea. However, even those with a humble education can make it. This is most often the case in countries practicing hereditary rule, but there are other examples as well. Adolf Hitler left school with no qualifications and painted shitty postcard scenes. Hardly the career for a future dictator. Stalin never managed to become a priest and left the seminary out of sheer jealousy for God.

[edit] Setting up a party

It is much easier to gain absolute power through being a member of a party. The more people involved the more political and sheer physical power a party has. nig nog and Hitler began their careers in partisan politics. You could join an existing party and gradually make your way to the top in its inner hierarchy. Alternatively, you could found your own party. Then you get to choose who can join it, and you get to be the chairperson. However, new parties may face difficulties finding members.

There is, however, always the frightening prospect that you may have to share you power with the party after the coup. This need not be the case. Stalin managed to replace the Communist party as the supreme authority. See also the 'purge' section of this article.

[edit] Networking

It is important to know the right people to succeed. Make friends with the military, socialize with the business elite. Knowing some foreign diplomats may also turn out to be beneficial, especially if you are planning a coup. It is really good to know a naive, rich, powerful business mogul. People like that are stupid enough to believe your lies and give you endless financial backing. By the way, money is very important, because with a lot of is how most dictators succeed. In the good old days, no dictator came to power in Latin America -- and mind you, there were a lot of dictators there then -- without the support or at least consent of the United States and the CIA. Do not forget to keep in contact with the wider populace; the wider your support, the easier it will be to seize power and maintain it.

[edit] Equipment

Equipment is phenomenally important to the survival of a dictator. Without a lot of really good equipment, you'll be forced to take power by using endless hordes of brainwashed peasants who overcome enemies by sheer numbers. And getting that is really difficult. So a lot of money is essential. You can get money in several ways; one of the ways is earning it yourself. Become a wealthy commander of a financial or industrial empire. That will not only get you massive amounts of money, but also powerful friends, respect, and a lot of followers. Your employees could become your army. You could just make friends with a powerful mogul and steal his wealth. This is easier, but also involves more luck. Anyway, once you have the money try to get the best equipment possible. Get the latest in defence technology, and get things like big tanks, cruise missiles, submarines equipped with powerful weapons, and chemical weapons. Hell, if you're really smart you could invent your own weapons of destruction. The point is get good weapons.

[edit] The coup

A (military) coup is the traditional and the most popular way of seizing power in a country. It has certain unbeatable advantages:

  • you are in control of an extensive armed force
  • you get to perform in a cool uniform
  • you have thousands of bodyguards

The downside of a traditional military coup is that there may be officers in the military as power-hungry as you. They might plan putting you aside at some point. The essential number one rule for a dictator is this: 

TRUST NO ONE, DON'T EVEN TRUST YOURSELF

A handy way of beginning a coup is occupying government buildings, such as the parliament, and state-operated TV and radio channels. The main point is to paralyze the government and the medias it uses for spreading propaganda.

[edit] Terminology

Never call your coup a coup. Call it a revolution instead. Revolution suggests that the people have spontaneously renounced the old regime. This is a clever strategy and was used by the Bolsheviks in Russia. Hence, the Russian Revolution.

[edit] Which country?

Not all countries are ripe for revolution. Long democratic traditions can be a real nuisance.

Here are some countries worth trying:


Here are some countries that are certainly not for beginners, mostly because their current regime is too oppressive or powerful to tackle. Worth a try, but secure your back:

The Fourth Reich already has a dictator.

Don’t even bother with these; these countries are dull and completely useless for aspiring dictators:

These Countries are IMPOSSIBLE to convert to a dicatorship

  • China China's been a Dictatorship since the First World War so they'll probably object to yours.
  • Britain Currently rules a quarter of the Worlds surface and has the most powerful armed forces in history, Little Billy Gates' brother tried to start a revolution, but after George Formby's henchmen had dealt with him they only found his hand. 


*Don't even bother with anywhere in the British Empire, the British will probably object to your Dictatorship and will send the SAS in to kick your butt.
** Be careful if you choose the good-old red maple leaf. You'll be right next to the US of A, and do you really want them breathing down your dictatorship's neck?

[edit] Inventing Your Own Country

If there is no country that is geographically convenient, invent your own.

  1. Buy (or Rent, since you'll declaring independence it is a much cheaper option) an island.
  2. Form a fake television production company.
  3. Convince at least 100 people that you are doing a Survivoresque reality show on this island (note: Remember this is your opportunity to create a superior race in your image so choose wisely. Consider, wealth {so you can tax them}, beauty {you'll be dictator, you'll need a harem} Intelligence (You don't want a daft Master Race) and obedience {free thinkers rebel}).
  4. Eliminate all forms of escape from the island. Don't worry about boats, if Lost has taught us anything it's that people trapped on an island won't get off even if given 3 seasons.
  5. Install yourself as Emperor (or whatever name you prefer) of your new civilization.
  6. Name your civilization after yourself.

NB: Do not get voted off the island. This will kill your chance at serious politics much like John Kerry's recent racial comments.

[edit] After the coup

You might well think the thing is done after you have successfully seized power in your state. But no. You are only halfway through, though you already have experienced the more difficult half. You don't want to see counter-revolutions, which very likely cost your life. Civil wars are not a good alternative, either. How to avoid these difficulties, then?

[edit] Consolidating your power

Tip

First consolidate your power in your respective country, only then turn to foreign politics.

At once as the coup becomes recognized, you must announce the beginning of military rule. It is imperative to state that military rule is merely a short interval and that the situation will be "normalized soon". Never give a specific date. You might find it important (and fun) to lengthen the duration of martial law. The first two months are the most important for your future career as a dictator. You should unhesitantly take care of the following things:

  1. Purge governmental institutions of your (potential) opponents.
  2. Purge the party/army of your (potential) opponents.
  3. Draft a new constitution. This can be great fun.
  4. Set up a patriotic (and powerful) secret police force.
  5.  ?????
  6. Profit!
  7. To Get Fat And Rich On The Spoils

[edit] Purges

With purges you can get rid of those individuals who could pose a threat to your position. Or, you could just use purges as a way of getting even. Remember that mean kid at school who used to bully you or steal your pocket money? Or the nosy guy who occupied the very last parking lot just before you? Just think of the expressions on their nasty faces when armed soldiers smash their door in the middle of the night, shouting "Payback time!" and dragging them away to the torture chamber rehabilitation centre. Talk about getting even. Purges must take place at night.

[edit] New constitution

A new constitution is required, because the old one didn't recognize you specifically. The sole purpose of your new constitution should be to ensure

1) your unquestionable rule

2) that it seems legal

A lawyer may come in handy, but don't pick the honest kind, choose one from the remaining 99 per cent.

[edit] Now what?

The country is yours, but you can't simply do what you please with it. You want to remain in power as long as possible. You will become addicted to power.

[edit] Build a palace

You'll want to spend your people's money in constructive, rewarding ways, so why not build a floating citadel? All the dictators are doing it!


You may want to live in your nation's old royal/presidential palace, but why not build a new, decent one? King Louis XIV of France built the Versailles Palace (not himself, stupid!), containing about 1,000 lavishly decorated rooms. Nice, but barely adequate for someone like you. Go crazy: build a Medieval castle, an oriental palace, or an exact copy of the White House with a huge plaid cupola on top of it. You say it, they'll build it.

It is a good idea to have a slightly more humble provincial palace in the countryside. You may take refuge in it in case things get bad in the capital.

A palace should include:

  • a thick, high wall (or be very high up, as in the case of George Formby's Palace on top of Blackpool Tower)
  • a plentiful supply of food, tobacco and Beer in case 'the people' start rebelling
  • a landing site for a helicopter, in case you have to leave your country in a hurry

[edit] Make a cool salute or pose

Hitler had his salute. Mussolini had raised his fist. Lenin had one hell of a pointing finger. So awe inspiring. Everyone will want to follow you and your glorious and sinister, flatigous and all around evil benevolent dictatorship. Having a cool and dramatic pose will make you seem cooler on the global stage, and even Kim Jong Il will bow before your awesome power.

Just LOOK at that pose!

[edit] Invent a title for yourself

Tired being called Mr/Ms or Sir/Madam? Or "Thick Johnny"? Adopt a title that reflects your genius and awesome power. Insist that people use the title when addressing you. It might be fun to make your title as long as possible and see your subjects trying to memorize it in agony. Examples:

(When making a title, be sure to have as many things capitalized as possible. This makes it look more dramatic and awesome. Don't worry about what your English teacher would say: just execute her.)

You can alternatively invent a new name for yourself. Vladimir Ilyich Uljanov is better known as Lenin and Joseph Vissarionovich Dzhugazhvili as Stalin. Adopt a name that's easy to shout in chorus.

[edit] Be creative

Express yourself. Rename your country. This will perplex foreign nations, which of course is hilarious. Most dictators add the term "Democratic Republic of" in the old name of their country -- how dull is that? Make up a long and complicated name. Muammar Qaddafi changed his country's name to the present "Great Libyan Socialist Arab Jamahiriyah". Or make up a completely arbitrary new name. Ambitious statesmen name their country after themselves.

Release the graphic artist inside you and design a new flag reflecting the brave new tomorrow of your great country. Use as repulsive colours as possible.

Tip

At present, there is no country whose flag depicts an aardvark. The question is, should there be one?

Write and compose a new national anthem, or hire real writers and composers to do the work for you. Saparmurat Niyazov, the current President of Turkmenistan, is the author of the country's national epic Ruhnama. If you are not that ambitious, you could rename the days of the week and the months of the year after you and things you like, such as ice cream.


[edit] Further activities

As a dictator, you control foreign policy as well. Many dictatorships choose isolationism to thwart foreign influence. This need not be the case. Pervez Musharraf of Pakistan can boast good relations with the US. In fact, it is often very important to have at least one sufficiently powerful foreign country as a supporter. Just look at Saddam Hussein, who had none. He used to be doing standup comedy in a courtroom and has now been hanged. Pathetic. It is benefical for you to stay alive as long as possible. That's the funnest part of the game!

[edit] War

Wars are a risky business. You may want to annex some small nations bordering your country, but remember that this could also cause instability. It is better to advance gradually like Hitler before the outbreak of WWII, acquiring relatively small territories at first. This way, international organisations are less likely to become uneasy.

[edit] Diplomacy

Whatever your country, it is probably a member of the UN. Keep it so. You get to travel to New York City annually to drink champagne and to stay in five-star hotel suites. In addition, you get to give a speech to the general assembly. Make sure your speech will be the craziest in diplomatic history, making Hugo Chávez and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad look like sensible statesmen. Nobody will remember all the boring stuff the Swedish representative said; everybody will remember your immortal speech. Some unused ideas for your first speech at the UN:

  • Perform cheap magic tricks with cards.
  • Throw money to the audience.
  • Recite "Mary Had a Little Lamb" eight times in a row.
  • Give the speech standing on your head.
  • Wear a Ronald Reagan mask.
  • Make faces.
  • Steal the microphone when you leave.

[edit] Economy

You can manage your country's economy as you will, but be sure to have a secret bank account in Zurich, just in case. Of course, when you are the dictator of Switzerland, you might want to reconsider the location.

[edit] Eleven Simple Steps With Historical Examples

[edit] I. Julius Caesar, Dictator of Rome

  1. Get born in a wealthy family with good political contacts.
  2. Get a top-notch classical education, including fluent command in rethoric, Latin and Classical Greek.
  3. Join the legions and get promoted.
  4. Get into politics.
  5. Form a triumvirate with two other greedy bastards. Be ready to get rid of them at any moment.
  6. Conquer new lands for your country to become a national war hero; France will do nicely.
  7. Win other greedy bastards in a civil war to gain the post of a dictator.
  8. Enjoy your power; hang around with Egyptian chicks.
  9. Beware the Ides of March – you don’t want to end up on the Senate floor with dozens of daggers in your throat, no matter how great a play it would make.
  10. DO NOT ATTACK RUSSIA. There is a winter there. They don't exist yet, you fucking fool!
  11. DO NOT ATTACK BRITAIN. They have an Empire bigger than yours. Maybe you should wait till 43AD?....

[edit] II. Napoleon Bonaparte, Emperor of France(AKA Empire of the Shit Smelling Cowardly Frog People)

Napoleon, leading his anachronistic armies to victory
  1. Join the army.
  2. Get promoted.
  3. Wait for a revolution.
  4. Seize the moment only after the revolution. Don’t act too fast – you could end up in a guillotine.
  5. Secure the support of the unit you command.
  6. Proclaim yourself Emperor. A great opportunity for those who like lavish ceremonies. Design your coronation – that ought to be fun!
  7. Conquer some countries. Spain and Italy are good choices. You will achieve immortal fame. Place your relatives on the thrones of conquered nations. They will be loyal to you. (well Italy will but Spain will throw bulls at you)
  8. Win other countries, such as Austria and Prussia, on the battlefield.
  9. Get yourself a proper navy if you really insist on making enemies with Britain.
  10. DO NOT ATTACK RUSSIA. There is a winter there, you know...
  11. DO NOT ATTACK BRITAIN. They have an Empire bigger than yours, you know.

[edit] III. Adolf Hitler, Führer of Germany

Hitler, failing miserably to emulate the success of George Formby
  1. Do not choose an artistic career. Your paintings suck.
  2. Get some military experience; it might prove useful.
  3. Wait for tumultuous times; wars and subsequent economical depressions will do.
  4. Set up a populist party of your own. Learn to talk like a lunatic without being considered one.
  5. Win a national election (the hard part)
  6. Purge your party.
  7. Invent a scapegoat for all the hardships experienced by your nation; ethnic minorities are a good choice.
  8. Once in power, abolish all democratic institutions.
  9. Adopt a goofy title.
  10. DO NOT ATTACK RUSSIA. There is a winter there, you know... Or do you?
  11. DO NOT ATTACK BRITAIN. They have an Empire bigger than yours, hard as it is to admit. You know that, don't you?

[edit] IV. Joseph Stalin, Premier of USSR

Stalin, disguised as Karl 'Groucho' Marx at a fancy dress party
  1. Join eager band of mad revolutionaries. Wait for revolution. (n.b. make sure you join a group with a realistic chance of success)
  2. Make sure nobody knows about your plans. Stay quietly in the corner. Nobody suspects the quiet guy.
  3. Present yourself as a copy the previous dictator in every way. This way, people won't notice you are in charge until it is too late. This also makes all your opponents traitors, meaning you can kill them in public (much more stylish).
  4. Change your mind as frequently as possible to maximise number of opponents/traitors/corpses
  5. Kill 25% of the people at random. The others will be grateful you've allowed them to stay alive.
  6. Necessary building schemes are much cheaper if you don't pay the workers. Randomly imprison the entire population, use them as slave labour. Those granite mines don't pay for themselves, you know.
  7. Grow a bushy moustache. Everyone loves a leader with a moustache, nothing says 'sensible, non-genocidal man of the people' like a moustache.
  8. Allow other countires to invade you, tire them out retreating, then invade their country on the rebound.
  9. Other countries in your area would probably love you to rule them as well, they're just too embarrassed to ask. Take them over to help them out.
  10. DO NOT ATTACK RUSSIA. Wait a minute... you run Russia! Whoopsy!
  11. DO NOT ATTACK BRITAIN. Oh, I see that you're friends with Britain. At least, as long as you both have a common enemy (see other dictator complete bastard directly above)...

[edit] V. Saddam Hussein, dictator of Iraq

  1. Join a revolutionary party.
  2. Wait until a wave of revolutionary movements sweeps former colonial rulers out of power in the region, including your country.
  3. Back the aging leader of a coup in your country.
  4. Rise through the ranks of your party. When the time is ripe, force the elderly coup leader out of office and take over the party and the country.
  5. Consolidate your power in the party by naming those you think are disloyal, then putting them on trial and having them executed.
  6. Outlaw all other political parties, purge and execute as needed.
  7. Use oil revenue to build palatial palaces. If 1 palace is good, 10 are better, and 100 are still better.
  8. Use poison gas on any troublesome Kurds (are there any other kind?)
  9. If other countries question your popular support, hold an election where over 99% of your populace approves of your regime.
  10. DO NOT ATTACK RUSSIA, There is a winter there, you know... Oh, you don't know what winter is.
  11. DO NOT ATTACK BRITAIN. They have a proper Empire, unlike your puny little dot of a state.

[edit] VI. Barack Hussein Obama, People's Comrade of The United Socialist States of America

Barack's new Socialist Hero, 2nd Class pin for his liberal friends
  1. Start by going to a liberal college.
  2. Disguise your incompetence by making yourself pitiable. Being a minority (like black) will help.
  3. Become a 'community organizer.' That just means you get say socialist bullshit that people nod and applaud to.
  4. Talk your liberal friends (which you have already acquired at your liberal college, see above) into propaganding your way into Senate.
  5. Use the feel-bad-for-me technique to get elected.
  6. Propose absolutely no laws. Do nothing in Senate! Whatever you do may be used against you in your presidential election. Remember: experience doesn't matter!
  7. Become friends with a few terrorists in order to have a good image in al-Quaida.
  8. Run for president.
  9. Hire several law firms to conceal your birth certificate. Let no one know that you are not an American-born citizen!
  10. Use the media to keep people in a constant ignorance. Ignorant people listen better to a leader. Be careful to not let your citizens read this guide, either.
  11. Use your media friends again to make people feel bad for you. Provoke Americans by saying that they would never elect a black person - those white racist bastards.
  12. Do not show any patriotism whatsoever to the United States. When the national anthem is playing and everybody is putting their hand to their heart, don't do it! You have to stay loyal to Indonesia - your true homeland. Besides, you wouldn't want to offend someone by identifying yourself with the Evil Empire.
  13. Choose a couple of annoying catchphrases like "hope" and "change" to get people to think that you're actually going to change something in government for the better.
  14. Once you are elected, close Gitmo and release the terrorists right into America. Everyone should have a second chance, right?
  15. "PEREGRUZKA" does not mean "RESET," it means "OVERLOAD.".
  16. iPod is a stupid gift for the QUEEN OF UNITED KINGDOM! Especially when that iPod is loaded with your speeches. Talk about narcissism.

[edit] VII. George Formby, Supreme and Benevolent Emperor of the Britsh Empire

George, shortly after revealing that he was a Furry
  1. Don't go to school. George couldn't read and write properly and as such the public are very sympathetic to him.
  2. Earn a lot of money playing a 'silly' musical instrument and generally being nice, the public will love you for it and will want to be just like you! (always a good thing, your citizens will be less likely to rebel if they like you)
  3. Become friends with rich people (especially if they find you entertaining, they won't pay any attention to your requests and will comply without question)
  4. Annex countries the population don't like very much.
  5. Dress simply, the public are less likely to warm to a grand outfit, buy a cheap crumpled suit, a bad tie and a Trilby hat, it worked for George, It can work for you too!
  6. Avoid murdering people where possible, The gas chambers will be hard to keep under wraps. it would be a better option to shoot or hang them as traitors to the state.
  7. Your Cabinet should consist of easily bribed and/or people with beliefs identical to your own.
  8. Smoke, this will make the public believe that as you have vices you are somehow more human.
  9. Buy an expensive present for the previous leader. George bought the previous King a Steamyacht achored off the tip of Africa, He was so pleased with Georges generosity that he paid no attention to George's emerging power-hungry regime.
  10. DO NOT ATTACK RUSSIA. There is a summer there, you know.
  11. DO NOT ATTACK BRITAIN. Wait... Oh. Heh-heh, you run Britain. Turned out nice again, hasn't it?!


What's that? You don't agree with His Excellency, President for Life Robert Mugabe's official policies?
You're trying to undermine Zimbabwe and her precious democracy, aren't you? TRAITORS TO THE REVOLUTION!

WHITE IMPERIALIST PIGS! GUARDS, GET 'EM!!!


[edit] See also

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