HowTo:Become Morbidly Obese
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Obesity is one of humanities greatest achievements, and is often noted for the beauty and grace of people fortunate enough to be so. Have you ever wanted to join those that actually do achieve something that Chuck Norris hasn't?(is that possible?) Have you ever wanted to go from A-cup to Z-cup? Well, if you follow this simple guide you can do both by becoming magnificently obese.
Step One: Dieting
In order to become morbidly obese, you must first go on a very specific dietary regiment. Some dietary requirements are:
- Taco Bell
- Burger King
- Whales and other stuff that will piss off the PETA
- Long John Silver's
- Pretty much any fast food restaurant that serves burgers. Milkshakes are a plus.
- Buffets (but make sure you suck it in so they don't throw you out for being a fat ass)
These are the best places to eat for your obesity regiment, but don't think of it as a race, as any form of competitive exertion - even if only mentally - is counterproductive.
Step Two: Workout Regement
Dieting is only part of the battle to gain weight beyond your wildest dreams. The second requirement is exercise. This exercise should be no more vigorous than an occasional movement of your thumb and should occur no more than 7 times per day, or 13 times per week depending on your mood ring (faster results are obtained by using the weekly regime). In order to get all these backbreaking minutes of exercise you should try:
- Playing Halo
- Playing World of Warcraft (also useful if you do not want children, or to be laid ever)
- Playing a PSP
- Mumbling instead of talking(burns less calories)
- Playing Pokemon till your fingers bleed, bandage and then continue on with pokemon!
- Changing channels on the television
- Masturbating with the power of mind
- Spending your entire day looking up articles on Uncyclopedia
- Or (after achieving the half-way mark of 400 lbs) trying to stand up.
Another way to complete the required exercise routine is to not do anything. This is the easiest and most popular method.
Step Three: Knowing When You Have Achieved Your Goal
You will have finally become morbidly obese once you reach 600 lbs. 600lbs is the lowest possible weight for morbid obesity and most people choose to achieve such weights as 800 or even 1000 lbs. For the most part, it does not matter what weight goal you shoot for, and as long as you achieve that all important reaction of "Holy shit! That thing is huge! Is that even a person!?" then you will have become morbidly obese.
Step Four: Becoming Known for Your Obesity
There are several methods of becoming known for being morbidly obese. One of the most popular is to have Dr. Phil yell at you about your overwhelming blubber problem. Another method is to not take over 3 hours for a shower and just let the grime and filth accumulate in all those newly formed wrinkes and crevices. One of the least used but most effective methods is to become so fat that you require a new clothing size to be made just for you, and name it something ridiculous with lots of letters like XLIDJN, or XXXXXXXXXL. Just try lots of x's in the name until you come up with one that sounds good. XXXFatbastard also works well.
Step Five: Now What?
At this stage you have two options. One, you can become even more famous by losing all the weight that you forced yourself to gain, in a fat to thin type Hollywood story. (If it's really good, you can get it made into a movie to show how thin people are "awesome.") Or two, you can get even fatter, eventually trying to break the World Record before you die from being so fat.
Another way to be known for your obesity is to have an unbelievably huge ass in poportion to the rest of your still obese body. For example, if your ass takes up the same amount of land as metropolitan Denver, this will give you the fame and credibility you deserve for your hard work in obesifying yourself and becoming a true American.
Step Six: Results
If you choose to follow the first method suggested above, you are once again a nobody. You got rid of your claim to fame and now nobody cares about you anymore. If you chose to follow the second method, you are now dead. But you were famous when you died and you'll only become more famous after death. Where's the problem with that?
Exactly, absolutely nothing, results.
Step Seven: Idolizing Famous Obese People
If you are not dead, then you may want to go back to idolizing some other famously obese people. People on this list include:
- Chris Farley
- Bernie Mac
- Oprah Winfrey
- Comic Book Guy
- Your fat unemployed, computer-geek uncle
- Some rich Asian guy
- John Belushi
- Dr. Phil
- Your Mom
- Star Jones
- Peter Griffin