HowTo:Become Jewish

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Becoming Jewish is a very delicate process. The difficulty of becoming a true-blue Jew is matched only by a true-blue Jew becoming an Oklahoman, or a legal American citizen from Mexico.

edit Step 1: The Un-Religioning

If you have a Jesus statue, a hijab, or one of those fat god-thing statues for Hindus or Sikhs or something, or those ball things that I think Buddhists people put in their hair, it is customary to:

  • Nail it to a stick of wood
  • Nail its hands/loose fabric to another piece of wood.
  • Nail the pieces of wood together, the shorter one with the hands/loose fabric 2/3rds up the larger one, at a 90 degree angle.

edit Step 2: Acquiring a Siddur

If you have a bible with the New and Old Testaments, you must rip out all the pages of the New Testament, and keep only the Old Testament.


Warning! If you have the ability to do this but don't, and go to the store to buy a real Jewish bible, this will defeat the purpose of becoming a Jew and your transformation cannot continue (unless it was on a really, really good sale).


edit Step 3: Fitting in Size-Weiss

If you have a six-pack or eight-pack, don't exercise for a while, until you become average-built. You may also want to eat or drink high-calorie things (like beer) for a little while if you're too skinny. If you're a super health-nut, you may need a twenty-four-pack to get rid of your six-pack.

edit Step 4: This step is for African-American males only

If your demographic falls into this category, you may need to make a visit to your local penis pumper. Tell him to turn the batteries around in the machine. This will change it from blow, to suck. After 1/3 of your "manliness" gets sucked out, you can give the leftovers to your Asian friend if he's planning to become Jewish, too. And if you do, he may cook you some of his delicious Chinese Fried Chicken as a return-gift. (YUM!!!)

Cn woman
Fig. 1: If you can find the CN Tower, your eyesight may be good enough to find every last coin from the ground.

edit Step 5: Ear and Eye Training

Since the typical Jew spends so much [money] on bagels, they are usually forced to pick up money from the ground to compensate. Opposed to popular belief, it takes a lot of skill to know when the coins fall, and where the coins are on the ground. This takes very powerful eyesight and hearing. Jews are born with these advantages, but unfortunately, converters need to practice. Here are a few techniques to improve eyesight and hearing:

Eyesight

  • Rip up and crumple candy wrappers, drop them on the ground, and try to find them all from the roof
  • Tr and see if Greedo shot first in each version without slowing down or rewinding
  • Find the CN Tower (fig. 1)
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