HowTo:Become Green Arrow
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Haven’t you ever been disappointed by the X-Ray glasses and sea monkeys in the back of your latesst issue from DC Comics not giving you the ability to look at girls naked like Superman or command all life beneath the sea like Aquaman? Isn’t your older sister still recovering from the Red Rider BB Gun inflicted welts when she played Wonder Woman and told you to shoot her, and aren’t you tired of the Green Lantern decoder ring not translating all languages like they said it would? Well REAL arrows are even MORE dangerous than TOY guns, particularly when you use your junior science kit to make your own chemical weapons like your dad secretly does at the munitions plant to fight the North Koreans using invaluable industrial waste that our country would just be throwing away!
Yes now you too can be like your 8th favorite hero Green Arrow! Oliver Queen was never a child prodigy with a bow, he just had lots of money and time, which is all you suburban American youth need in order to fight crime in your neighborhood. Who needs a seat belt to hold them back when your driving in your very own car equipped with an ejector seat like the Arrow Car. Haven't you always wanted to be the
illegal ingenious Green Arrow and fire a hollow wooden shaft filled with dynamite in order to blow up the bad guys like Speedy and get yourself trophies signed by the FBI for your crime fighter trophy room in thanks for your hard work protecting and serving your community by giving them plausible deniability for their own illegal vigilantism.
All you have to do is be the lucky winner of the DC Comics child endangerment sidekick sweepstakes and win a trip to Star Fish island, only recently the site of an above ground nuclear test, sure to give your superpowers with the healthy dosage of radiation alone. There, the harsh conditions will either kill you or unleash your inner Robin Hood Crusoe like Oliver Queen, than you’ll be ready to go toe to toe with such classic foes as, generic gangsters with guns, costumed gangsters like the Red Dart and Clock King, and mad scientist gangsters inside giant robot creatures or some other gimmicky gizmo of a vehicle that's not remotely road legal, like jet powered air cars, giant magnetized bubbles or underwater shark mobiles. No aliens though, aliens are strictly out of Green Arrow's depth, and he has to get bailed out of an alien prison cell by the Justice League, also no one who actually has super powers, that would be like bringing a knife to a gunfight.
So save your irradiated breakfast cereal box tops to turn in for your chance to become a real American hero today just like your older brother in Korea, which coincidentally, is where the runner ups get to go!
edit Thing You Will Need
If you see something sharp and dangerous in your dad's garage like lawn mower, acetylene torch or oily rag arrow, than be sure to ask permission before testing it in a makeshift missile. With an umbrella arrow and gardening hose arrow you can water the lawn in a way that will be sure to impress mom, just be careful with the fertilizer and garden spade arrow, I think that's technically a bomb when you combine it with the incense arrow. They sure will be proud of you when you use mom's silver jewelry to create silver iodine cloud seeding arrows, and what better way to use up old batteries and their acid than using electrical arrows to add lightning and acid rain? Or the fire extinguisher arrow to add some snow? Some of the stuff from the medicine cabinet would make great arrow poison too, but make sure no one needs it to live first, it's the correct thing to do. Never mind 5 years, why it only took evil billionaire con artist Hector Vance a couple of weeks to match the Emerald Archer in skill!
- Ever want your own drill arrow for getting down coconuts? All you need is to take the elastic band in your sock and attach it to stone hooks in the arrowhead to create a motor that will spin the drill when fired.
- A net inside a hollow arrow shaft with a collapsing front end releases a net for fish or mobsters, who fortunately almost never carry knives, just guns.
- Light up the night sky with a rubberized segment in your arrow shaft that turns into fills with air releasing a glowing balloon arrow that you can use to annoy the astronomy club with your fake moon.
- A fountain pen, siren or radar arrow will reveal the getaway car’s location in heavy city traffic.
- If killing people isn’t your thing like GA, try a friendly concussion using the sweet science of the boxing glove arrow Save up those extra fourth of July and dry ice from Halloween for tricking a lost tribe of Native Americans stuck in a perpetual war that you are their hero of legend, just combine with a two stage rocket and get ready to cloud seed when you want shade in the summer.
- With balloons you can also have your own blow up doll decoy to make getaway drivers think they just hit someone, or jump off your rooftop with a balloon or parachute arrows. Fun for parties or airline disasters.
- Deface valuable artifacts with your very own mummy arrow, or destroy valuable electronics and make your own camera arrows.
- Blind the armies of South American dictators as you assist rebels with your reflector dust arrows, or deafen their martian ears with an ultra sonic whistle.
- Patrol the pool for Atlantean sea monsters and submarines and artificial icebergs filled with gangsters, yousing your own pneumatic air pressure underwater harpoon guns.
- Try making your own unguarded metal blade fan arrows, which you'll need it for airing our your cigarette butt based smoke bombs.
- You can even help mom with the chores with a vacuuming arrow. Even stuff like lotion can make for a slick surface and powder can temporarily blind people.
- You too can make a chloroform of sleeping gas arrows for taking down escaped monkeys from the zoo.
- Rope and boomerang arrow is how cowboys should have done it, they just didn't have G.A.'s ingenuity.
- You'll never need a ladder again to get that Frisbee off the roof when you can just fill the side of your house with arrows and walk up yourself, or have to paint the house again with paint arrows, also great for blinding the windshields and obscuring the vision of the drivers of getaway cars and gangster operated robots
They'll also be plenty of antique arrowheads deep underground outside the walls of the backyard nuclear bunker. So save your pennies, though not for the no purchase is necessary superhero sweepstakes, as you'll need them to forge into metal arrowheads in the post nuclear holocaust you'll be inheriting once the bombs fall, than you'll be thankful for the lifetime of irradiated wheat and grain cereals to help you grow.