HowTo:Be a vampire hunter

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Vampires are on the rise again, as evidenced by the popularity of Twilight and True Blood. It's important to know how to rid us of these beasts. This guide gives you all the information you need.

What to bring

Nosferatu1
You're getting warmer, no, getting colder, warmer, warmer, warmer, nope, you missed me.
  • A stake. The best stakes for vampire hunting are hawthorn or rosewood. Bring a hammer too.
  • A crucifix. This does not just mean a cross. This means a cross with Jesus on it, like the Catholics and Orthodox use. Maybe bring a regular cross too, just in case the vampire is Protestant, and maybe a collection of other religious symbols that a vampire, in our pluralistic society, might subscribe to hating. Maybe a Hulk Hogan figurine.
  • Some sort of helper. The problem is gypsies know vampires best, but some gypsies are Dracula's helpers, and might screw you. It definitely needs to be an Eastern European. Perhaps find a devoutly religious Gypsy. Like the one that gives Harker the crucifix in the beginning of every Dracula movie.
  • Mustard seeds. A shitload of em. You throw the mustard seeds on the ground and the vampire will have to count them before he moves forward. All vampires are OCD counters, not just that one on Sesame Street[1].
  • A rose. Kind of works like the mustard seeds, he has to pic up before he continues chasing you
  • A mirror. This is to know who is a vampire. Vampires don't have reflections.
  • An axe. You might need to chop the vampires head off after you stake him for extra security,
  • Fire starting @#!*% . You might wanna burn him after you stake him and chop his head off. Also I think if you burn his coffin he dies or some @#!*% , but I'm not sure, so don't blame me if that just @#!*% him off.
  • Garlic. I'm not sure if vampires are really afraid of garlic. I think it may just be vampire hunters of the past carried garlic with them cause corpses smell so bad, and just said it warded vampires off to impress people.
  • A gun. In case you run into any of those modern pretend vampire @#!*% , who aren't afraid of crosses or that stuff, but can just be shot. Maybe use a silver bullet for good measure. Yeah I know that's werewolves but it can't hurt.
  • Holy water. Should not be used instead of the cross because it runs out and you might miss him, but you can throw it on him and he'll burn. (If you don't have holy water handy pee is another option)
  • Your weiner. It shall be very useful when forcing sed vamps to shut up... just hope they don't bite!

How to make the kill

Once you know your vampire, go to where he rests. Do this on a Friday during the day. Some say they don't come out on Friday. He's more powerful at dawn and noon than during the rest of the day, so avoid those times. Once you've opened the coffin, immediately drive the stake into his heart. Try to do it in one blow if you can. Make sure the stake goes through him and into the ground. Next, cut off his head. Proceed to light him on fire. Throw the ashes into a river. All this must be done quickly. He's probably gonna wake up when you open his coffin, so drive the stake through before he knows what's going on.

Do not be a Vampire hunter if...

  • You're a hemophiliac. Duh.
  • You are not pure of heart. You know how in slasher movies the one girl who is not a total slut and/or bimbo survives and kills the killer? Vampires kind of work like that too.
  • You're not strong willed. Vampires will try to hypnotize you and shit, so you gotta be like "Hey! I do what I want!"
  • You're a vampire. The only thing worse than a self hating Vampire is a self hating Jew.

How to find the Vampire

Nosferatu
Roumanian Gay Vampire
Vampiredoofus
Douchebag

There are many methods to identifying a vampire. First you muss assess if there is a vampire problem. The simple way to know is if somebody is rising from the grave at night and sucking people's blood, you have a vampire problem. Now onto finding out who.

  • The mirror test is simple. Vampires don't have reflections which works because vampires have no souls. And according to ancient times, the mirrors reflect your SOUL!, so it doesn't work.
  • Get a pure white horse who has never stumbled and he won't walk over the vampires grave. I don't know where you find such a horse.
  • Animals don't like him.

More advice

It's usually best for a male to hunt male vampires and a female to hunt female vampires. Vampires often make those they bite their love slaves. I don't know if there are gay vampires, but gay people should definitely only hunt the opposite sex vampires. Or maybe not, cause the vampire might still want you. But if you're susceptible to falling for the vampire's charms, you're in trouble. Actually, now that I think about it, I hate to say but maybe gay people shouldn't hunt vampires. No offense of anything, but you got this dilemma. Or maybe being gay would be an advantage, since, unless there are gay vampires, none of which I'm aware, you don't want the vampire who wants you, and the vampire you want doesn't want you. So gay people, either be vampire hunters or don't.

And don't forget to bring your supplies: [1]

Further Information

  1. Who drinks the blood of little children. Ah ha ha ha.
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