HowTo:Be a republican

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WARNING at least 1400% of what is written in this article is considered to be false. If you're allergic to the truth (if you’re a republican in other words) and are also allergic to Wikipedia-style citations and references with links to the awful truth, DO NOT READ THIS ARTICLE! Uncyclopedia and the authors of this article cannot be held responsible for any damage, injury or republican sissy fits and anal bleeding this article may cause.

This is an ever changing guide to how to be a republican. It is often deleted by republicans and recreated at least twice a month, please see censorship for the reason why. Never the same page twice. Many have asked the question of just how does one become a republican? This howto guide will show you how.


edit History

Crypt Keeper

How does one become a those horrid beings,republicans, or rather how did republicanism come about? Around 3120 BC republicanism was invented by Bob Saget who had decided to use his whining and crying skills for monetary gain, as he wasn't getting paid enough on Full House. He found that if he challenged governments by hating them, calling their leaders names, and protesting, and he wrote books, people would buy them. Other people who were whiners and criers. He later found that he could lead them in protests where they simply chant the same slogan over and over again until they get their way. He later found that by playing the blame game that he could blame others for his failures and get himself elected to government. The motto is Blame somebody else, which always works for republicans. They found that dancing an Irish jig and using Bath and Body Works Warm Vanilla Sugar-scented body lotion works, too. Then if he took up causes he did not believe in like environmentalism, peace, homosexuality, and so on, he could trick people into supporting him. Republicans like to live in their own little world, and force others to live in them as well.

edit Together We Can: Shun Decency

01WK6aBoyinCowSuit 349

Multi-racial child for Sale!

It is widely reported that the best part about being a republican is that one gets to do whatever one wants In the name of terrorism. Since conservatives often claim that republicans hate freedom, republicans have to come with different excuses sometimes. To properly do this, one must write truckloads of snail mail letters on colored parchments and send them to important and not-so-important people. Fortunately, one will not be alone. One can join the ongoing letter writing campaign to Save the Forests for Lynching, which has been supported by the republican parties across the globe for over two (2) months.

Furthermore, the stalwarts of network TV, newspapers, cable TV, magazines, and schools assist in this War for Peace. It is their solemn duty to advocate their personal views no matter what may come. For those sheep following along at home, an absolute must is yelling loud enough to drown out the annoying cries of help from American countries. Together republicans can and do make a difference. If enough people yell lies about most of the world living in poverty and despair and that so-called comedy on the BBC is funny (just to give two examples of republican lies), those lies will become the truth according to republican thinking. The same is true of blogs, if enough people blog the same lies over and over again, they automatically become true. So republicans like to yell and post their arguments all over the Internet and Public, even if they are full of fallacies and are mostly fiction. Remember to keep repeating yourself, if you want to become a good republican. Maybe they didn't hear you the first thousand times, so yell louder and post it more on the Internet. republicans want equal time, equal meaning more time than right-whingers get. In fact, equal time to republicans means that right-whingers should be silenced and impeached and all of the time given to republicans instead.

Yet another requirement for republicans is the concept of "equal-time". George Foreman demonstrated this technique by demanding "equal-time" for the universally held view that this country needs to keep its troops safe (by withdrawing them from the middle-east and keeping them home instead), and that too much time was being spent on some storm and not enough on her. republicans never will have enough "equal-time," so one should organize more marches demanding it. Nevermind the fact that Cindy Sheehan was accused by her husband of not sharing the insurance money from their son Casey's death [1] and that Mrs. Sheehan used the money instead to protest the war in Iraq. All the more to get equal time, and exploit her own son's corpse for political gain.

Lest one thinks being a republican is all about requirements, do not be dismayed. republicans know that rules, regulations and requirements do not apply to them! So, when laying down the law, rest assured everything is the fault of the "government" who must pay. The government, after all, is evil according to republicans. Always sending in the Police when republicans throw riots and break things [2], set things on fire, blow up federal buildings, kill doctors and blow up abortion clinics. Oh those Police officers, biased against republicans because they broke a few laws. Those were fascist laws anyway, and as a republican you have the right to ignore them. Luckily if you're a republican, like Paul Hill and you blow up an abortion clinic or a republican like Timothy McVeigh and you blow up a government daycare center with infants and children in them or a back to Earth republican hippie like the Unabomber and you blow up computer stores you're labeled as an "American hero".

republicans are always emphasizing capital punishment, especially when the person being killed wants to be killed, and will be labeled a "martyr" by the religious left for dying (think Paul Hill, Timothy McVeigh, the Unabomber - you know, the republican terrorists), and are always looking to reduce the sentences of criminals and let them out of jail early, because most criminals are republicans anyway. You are not a very good republican unless you have been arrested at least a dozen times. Illicit Drug laws are to be ignored anyway, because republicans are always trying to legalize illicit drugs like LSD and Barney the Dinosaur. That is one way that they raise money for political needs, selling weed, crack, Meth, cocaine, and Kittens. Although they keep most of the money for themselves they sometimes give part of the proceeds from their drug deals to murderous South American terrorists. Luckily the republican media never pays too much attention to actions like this.

Incidentally, due to past yelling(at Ann Coulter) and equal-time marches, republicans have never heard of certain historical figures that no one really wants to consort with including: Augusto Pinochet, Moammar Kadhafi, Slobodan Milošević, Saddam Hussein (except when the Democratic president Bill Clinton dealt with him of course), Josef Stalin (except during WWII), Kim Jong Il, and Porky the Pig. People republicans keep pictures of in their wallets include: Hugh Hefner, Paris Hilton, and Jose Canseco.

edit Avoid Logic

355px-1895-Dictionary-Phrenolog

Cut Logic Out From quadrant 30

Oscar Wilde once said, "republicans not only avoid logic, they detest it". Bob the Builder replied, "The very act of republicanism defies logic!"

A key talking point is with gun control. republicans must argue to the death that no one--even the military--should have guns because, guns kill little children. "Only police officers can be trusted to have guns, but not Tasers" according to recent republican politican, now retired, Al Gore. He went on to say, "Tasers are too effective of a weapon to trust to your average Joe Bob Cop. Because we republicans do not trust police and think that they have one lone brain cell, drive pickup trucks, and have an awful rash." Still a valid point today. Therefore, no one should be trusted with guns. Except police. Who cannot be trusted with Tasers. So hand over you iPod, wallet, cell phone and keys to your Volvo to your potential attacker, then run away with a trail of shit and piss behind you, so the police know how to find you should you forget how to contact them from fear paralysis.

Fortunately, Dr. Howard Dean is anticipated to unveil his latest "Hhaaarumph!" discovery within his primary field of Phrenology, the study of avoidance of logic. A high ranking Democratic official who requested not to be identified more specifically than as an informant within the Great High Circle of Democrats stated with authority that, "Dr. Dean will unveil his latest "Hhaaarumph!" discovery on the four (4) year anniversary of his notorious Squeal speech, and during his next presidential campaign." The discovery may identify which sector one should cut the logic out of--rumored to be quadrant 30 or 35 (see diagram for reference). Dr. Dean's test subjects include Rev. Jesse Jackson, former President Bill Clinton, staunch steriod-conspiracist ex-Cuban Rafael Palmeiro and Lindsay Lohan.

edit Play the Race Card

White guy transformer

White Skin, Black Heart

The best republican to be is the one that is in the United States and white skinned. If you are a Republican and a citizen of a different country, you may find it difficult to vote for your chosen idi.. sorry *candidate*. Over-reporting by the conservative shadow elements concludes that slaves were freed by Lincoln, a conservative Republican. What those shadowy reports fail to mention is that republican Democrats opposed Lincoln's measure overwhelmingly. In fact, 100% of white-skinned US registered Democrats and 3/4 of black-skinned US non-convicted felons (due to the Missouri Compromise) still oppose that dirty conservative tactic. Yet, the old Democratic Party represented the south and the Republicans represented the north. 87% of Analysts agree it is the same now. The Bush Administration employs more minorities than The Clinton Administration did and even promotes minorities to top level positions in government. This proves that Democrats are more racist than Republicans.

Since World War II, the republican party in the United States has diligently enlightened the poverty-stricken class to think that a higher minimum wage will result in an increased standard of living. This is nothing like use of a carrot to ensure a mule will plow a field. John Keynes (tall, old, economist) when asked to comment and prove his theory said, "I'll show you a plow!" This author then chose to flee.

No reputable economists could possibly agree with the conservative (read: Anti-republican) position that a higher minimum wage, decreases the standard of living for those earning the minimum wage by increasing the cost of basic goods and services. Like anyone would believe that increasing the salary of employees will increase expenses of a corporation, forcing them to raise the costs of goods and services to compensate? republican accounting uses new math and states that raising expenses does not cut into profits if you found a few dummy corporations and list the expenses as investments and assets in the dummy corporations. The republican view is that the person earning minimum wage should be put on a socialist program and live off of the government at a rate of $50,000USD a year in welfare funded by taxing people who make under $50,000USD a year at real jobs. Should any reputable economist attempt to disagree with this republican economic theory, republicans worldwide are instructed to discredit him/her with photos of him or her having sex with someone or something. That is how demand-side economics ie socialism really works.

edit Accuse Conservatives of Doing the Despicable Plan (that republicans did last year or last decade or fifty years ago)

08B Ellen DeGeneres

Caught You!

Democrat leaders

Democratic corruption does not count. Only Republican corruption counts.

The rule here is simple: "What republicans do on their time is fine, times nine." Quote taken courtesy of republican Tax Deduction Schemes: Chapter 14: Multiply deduction by nine".

Remember that the public has a short-memory, so if you accuse Conservatives of doing something, the public will forget that your party did it last year, or a decade ago, or up to fifty years ago. You are not a hypocrite if the public forgets your misdeeds and your accuse Conservatives of the same misdeeds. Remember that republican corruption does not count, but Conservative or Neocon corruption counts plus eleven billion times.

Bill Clinton says Iraq has WMDs [3] in 1998 and attacks, George W. Bush says Iraq has WMD in 2003 and attacks.

Bill Clinton takes money [4] from oil companies and the price of oil goes up [5], George W. Bush takes money from oil companies and the price of oil goes up.

Ted Kennedy gets drunk, takes drugs and runs over people with his car afterward. Rush Limbaugh gets drunk, takes drugs and smuggles viagra into international airports.

Bill Clinton has warrantless wiretaps [6] in 2000, and George W. Bush has them after 911.

edit Accuse Conservatives of Attempting the Unspeakable (before republicans thought of it)

Mouse

republican Leader thinking about teaching constituent (pictured: foreground) to read

When Conservatives attempted to gasp teach inner city children and adults to read, republicans went berserk. This was obviously a racist attempt to say those people didn't know how to read. To add insult to injury, how will the mindless masses keep voting republican wink-wink if they can read about what we's done?

Hmm.

It is better if republican teachers do not teach children how to read, but rather teach them how to be republicans instead. That way they can listen to republican leaders and agree with them and vote for them because they wouldn't know any better, never learning how the real world works and how to read to figure things out. In fact, when teaching history, let us blame all of the world's problems on anyone of European descent who isn't a republican (Example: Christopher Columbus, the American pioneers and the Founding Fathers) and ignore the bad things that republicans have done as well. We need ignorant voters who believe anything we tell them to believe, and that way we can win election after election.


edit Get away with Murder and Abortion and get paid for it at the same time

Tip

Find ways around the laws. Always claim to be innocent when caught.

Ted Kennedy had a problem. He had a pregnant girlfriend. She did not want an abortion and wanted to marry him. It was quite simple using the republican method of thinking. Abortion was against the law back then, and murder is against the law as well. Ted Kennedy claimed to have had an accident near a creek in Chappaquiddick [7] and then jumped out of the car before it sank into the bottom of the creek. Wink wink, we know better, don't we? He committed a trifecta: aborted the baby; murdered his girlfriend; and got money for it from his car insurance company. His republican supporters then rewarded him by making him a US Senator for life. He got a reduced sentence from a republican judge, and despite being an ex-con, is now considered to be very moral and ethical and justified his actions in Chappaquiddick with a speech. If a Conservative did the same thing, they would have gotten the death sentence or 30 to life. But republicans have a smooth way of talking and giving speeches to get away with things. Just make up a story like Ted Kennedy did, you weren't drunk despite driving home from a party where other people could have swore you won a drinking contest, it was an accident despite you having no memory of how it happened, and that you nearly died in the process. See how easy it is to tell a creative story, than admit to the truth?

edit Never Ever Make Up Your Mind About ANYTHING!

Hilary Clinton

Hillary Clinton is the mastermind behind Soylent Green.

This is a very easy and commonly used tactic by republican senator John Kerry. Heck, he wrote the book on waffling. He would flip on this issue and then on that issue. The only problem is that you HAVE to marry a crazed, rich, ketchup-monkey for all her dough and use it to gain access to the US Senate. Good, That should have been easy. Well, the brilliant minds at Jibjab.com [8] have the right idea in their short called "This Land". All there is to it is to stand up and, using three signs, each entitled "Yes","No" and "Maybe", and pull up any card, even at random. Good! This can and will work. You have my blessings to do this with every senator who asks you a question. Oh, and support the troops by voting for giving soldiers body armor, tank armor, humvee armor, heck, any armor, then flip and vote against it. Oh and to top it all off, blame it on Bush. Of course it is Bush's fault because of your decision.

Tip

Pandering or flip-flopping is a good idea. Go with the polls.

Hillary Clinton often cannot make up her mind. Sometimes she acts like a Conservative and other times as a republican. She gets that from her husband Bill who is known as a republican and a Conservative because he is two-faced. First she was a Cubs fan, and then a Yankees fan. First she was a woman and then she was a man. She wrote a book on healthcare, and then voted down the bills based on her book's suggestions.

The fact is that republicans blame conservatives and Bush for everything, including oil prices, and keep the well-unknown secret that the Saudis own 1/4 of the oil, and have us at their fingertips. It happened in the 1970's, 1980's and is currently happening again. Don't point that out, but do point out that Bush shakes each kings' hands. Thank you Michael Moore for making this possible. The guns at Columbine weren't illegal. Of course not. Impossible. The man is beautiful, treats his body as a temple and writes amazing Golden Globe speeches. Alex Jones made a lot of movies and songs on the republican viewpoints that avoid logic and appeal to emotions, trust him, over other journalists and entertainers who actually have credibility. I would also like to thank the commies including Che, who, men just like him tried to starve people into becoming commies too. Killing innocent men, women and children. Blame it on Pinochet. (This happened in Chile.) Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain! Saddam Hussein was a fine upstanding secular humanist who ran one of the world's most perfect Democracies, until George W. Bush and the Republicans came along and ruined things by invading Iraq and toppling the Government and forcing Saddam to face trials for his crimes against humanity. That is not as important as US Troops being killed by terrorists freedom fighters. Osama bin Laden is in tourism not terrorism so let us just appease him, and cut and run, and give him some land in the middle-east and leave him alone.

edit Pick your issues and then flip-flop on them

35 years ago, republicans ran the street screaming "global cooling! global cooling!" Today they scream global warming. This is a classic example of the flip-flop mind of a republican. It used to be aerosol cans that were evil, now it is the oil companies that are evil.

Gay marriage, John Kerry is a classic example of this, during the 2004 Presidential campaign John Kerry said he was for gay marriage in Massachusetts and then when he campaigned in Missouri he said he was against gay marriage.

Many republicans voted for the Iraqi war, and now they vote against it. Voting down bills for body armor and funding to train Iraqis to take over for US Troops. Now they just have a plan of "cut and run".

As a republican, you can always blame your decisions on conservatives because they lied to you or forced you to vote for something you didn't want to vote for in the first place.

edit Appear Smart (or make attempts)

Learn the dialectic [9] and become a republican, through republican-speak!

Think Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, or anyone else that tends to use words with excess syllables. Practice aloud--I say, "How are you?"--you say, "Extra-orda-nin-tat-ious!" Or, I say, "How do you feel about mandatory affirmative action minority interviewing requirements?"--you say, "Abso-ma-lutely, affirmable, as an accidental alibi fortituously found by the hooker behind the crackpipe!"

Presentation and panache is what you are seeking my republican sheep of many colors.

Furthermore, you must take all efforts to avoid being tied down to a singular position. Life is multi-faceted, so every issue may have new considerations, so you must be able to explain why, for example, it is permissible to cheat on one's wife, but then run a negative campaign (the next term) exposing one's opponent for marital infidelity.

When perfected, you can be constantly inconsistent like the Democratic Party, not inconsistently inconsistent like John Kerry. This constant inconsistency, called "republican flip-flopping", may allow your party to win the Presidential election! (Listen to this one, republicans, and win in 2008!)

edit Protest

Tip

When protesting always bring friends with you to help out.

Protesting is easy, just chant the same slogans over and over again until you get what you want. Make sure that you burn your nation's flag, and burn a straw dummy of your nation's leader in his/her place. If you do not still get your way, convince others to riot. Say that doing these things makes you a patriot.

If it makes you a celebrity and you no longer have to sweat it out at the protests, so much the better. (See Cindy Sheehan).

If you attend a private school and some Neocon of a Dean says you must say the pledge of allegiance [10], please use the Uncyclopedia Village Dump to seek legal advice and sue the Dean and the School for being Neocons. That way you can bring the protest to republican Wiki sites like Uncyclopedia and express your freedom of speech. After all, Uncyclopedia is here for you, just like Dear Abby and Oprah are to listen to your whiny complaints and solve your problems for you. Together we, as republicans, can protest private high schools that you signed a contract with to take away your rights and freedoms, and we can protest that on the Internet.

Try big fires, it gets even more attention.

edit Stand in the way of progress

Tip

Always blame conservatives, always.

Use the filibuster as much as you can when the other party has a majority [11]. If they try to pass a bill you agree with like alternative energy, filibuster it and vote against it. Then when election comes up later, claim the other party did nothing to help the people. When the other party claims that you voted against every bill on the table, say that you could not compromise the environment, freedoms, liberty, ect. and ignore that lobbyists were putting money in your pockets to kill the bill. Always blame the Republicans for your own misdeeds. After all, one republican made the claim "And so when I filibustered 14 hours and 13 minutes in 1964 I never got off the germaneness of the subject.", since the US Taxpayers are paying your salary, might as well waste their time and hold up progress. Read from a phone book, quote the complete works of Shakespeare, talk about pot or liquor, anything not relating to the bill in question that you are trying to filibuster.

Popular bills that republicans have voted down:

  • Social Security reform
  • Health care reform
  • Removal of eminent domains laws
  • Tax breaks
  • Bills to cut spending and create a budget surplus

Pork Projects republicans have added to bills:

  • Paving highways in wealthy cities
  • Studies of cow farts
  • Study of the study of the study of political polls conducted by third parties they have paid off
  • Federal contracts they get kickbacks from
  • Funding for sports stadiums

Or you can vote Republican, hope they screw it up, and win all the popular vote for the 2008 election.

edit Use the media to your advantage

Pathlyingforlefties

Read this book to learn how to create political blogs, newspaper articles and news stories.

Insane politician

Let the whole world know that you are right, and everyone else is wrong.

Always appear on talk shows and news programs and constantly attack the other party. Try to justify your position and ignore the fact that you've done the same things you accuse the other person of doing. Say that you are telling the truth, and that the righties are lying again and trying to cover up their crimes.
Tip

Write with your emotions, do not use logic.

Create a blog, link to news media articles of other republicans slamming the other party as proof of your points of view and opinions. The right-wingers don't bother to blog because they are too busy trying to come up with new ideas for laws and bills. Don't waste your time on new laws and bills, just shoot them down and whine and complain about them. Encourage other republicans to blog as well. Create more blogs, and even write newspaper articles, and news stories. Submit them to the media, and threaten to boycott them if they don't publish them.


edit Brainwash the Youth, Ensure Future Constituents

Tip

Teachers, never teach the subject you are paid to teach, always teach republicanism instead.

Kimjongil

The virtues of the loving and ancient, eastern Communists are good fodder for young brainwashing subjects.

republican teachers must never teach the subject they are hired to teach. Instead, they must indoctrinate the youth into the republican point of view [12]. Proper republican teaching subjects (all ages):

  • It's not your fault.....blame the government, it is all their fault anyway. Criticise conservatives in every level of government at every chance you get. If nothing has happened lately, make up a story about the highest ranking Republican by saying he/she *lied* to the public recently.
  • Oppose your country's refusal to change its economic system...If your nation uses capitalism, support communism. If your nation uses communism, support capitalism. Brainwashing the youth that constant change is necessary will give republicans more control.
  • It's still not your fault.....blame 'the system.' Teach the youth to never take responsibility for their actions, hold the other party responsible, but never yourselves. Teach them to drop out of school, take drugs, and listen to music and watch movies instead. The more ignorant you make them, the easier they are to control. No one likes someone who holds them accountable.

edit Get Angry

Clin wal 350 copy

Sensing a threat, Clinton becomes aggressive. Wallace, frozen with terror, can only watch helplessly as Clinton's fangs carve into his hide.

If you are ever asked to do an interview on TV, attack the interviewer and his news network [13] and accuse conservatives of putting up a "hit" on you. The more upset you get, the more publicity you can get for your global summit or other pollitical rally. Remember as a republican you are supposed to think with your emotions like anger. It is OK to attack someone else who is not a republican, but anyone who attacks you is being unethical, esp if they are not a republican or don't agree with your views. Remember to hold non-republicans to a set of ethics and morals that you yourself do not hold or follow. As a republican, you have the right and freedoms to not follow any set of ethics or morals. Basically you can do whatever you want to do, and get away with it. Including attacking a news reporter and their news network. If the non-republicans point out your attack, claim that you were provoked and that conservatives set the whole thing up. That news companies are being unfair because they reported your "attack" but not the information you gave them. Remember, you sold your soul to have a set of fangs as a republican, so use them to your best advantage. As a card-carring worshipper of Moloch you have the right to eat any reporter who asks a question that you do not like.

Opposed to the Neocons waging war in a nation like Iraq? Well get angry and blame the US troops [14] and be sure to belittle them. Nothing makes you a real republican more than doing personal attacks on the US military who are trying to serve their nation. Justify it by saying it is an unjust war, and that the US Troops are terrorists and war criminals. Especially if you won three purple hearts like John Kerry and admitted to being stuck in Vietnam and doing stupid things like killing civilians [15] and committing war crimes himself. Yet since Kerry is a republican, we let him off the hook, but keep the Neocons guilty of the same charges.

edit Article writing

Tip

Anything you don't agree with, you have a right to censor it.

Always support articles that show the republican or left-wing point of view. If any articles are showing a right-wing point of view, vandalize them, or vote for them to be deleted. Vote for quick deletion is best, but NRV if you can as well. In fact, vote for this page to be deleted, so nobody ever learns the truth of how to be a republican. That way we can all keep a secret. When you find an article on Uncyclopedia making fun of republicans be sure to say that it is all lies or something, vandalize it so it is not funny and gets deleted.

In fact, find articles on Uncyclopedia that mock republicans and edit them to mock conservatives. Like this very article itself. Don't even let the other side get a chance to mock republicans, when you can get into an edit war and change the articles to mock conservatives instead.

edit Never, ever, admit the truth

Tip

Never admit the truth, be creative in your lies.

Remember that telling the truth can hurt the republican cause. Always put a spin on things, be creative. Compare right-wing leaders to Hitler (by pointing out the he was a devout Christian for example like FDR and Harry S. Truman were), invoke Godwin if you must. Be sure to believe your own lies and make others believe them as well. If you write a ton of blogs under false names, everyone will see that hundreds of bloggers agree on the same subject. If it is on the Internet it must be true and indeed it often is true! If you must cite something, please cite some of the countless republican biased smear web sites out there designed for just that sort of thing, because if it is on the Internet it must be true especially if it was written by and peer reviewed by republicans like you and me! This is also the way that science works, by having other scientists that share the same biases as you peer reviewing your crackpot theory, it automatically becomes true. It pays to keep a list of contacts from your college and republican meeting places to call in a favor and peer review your work for you. Together we can help combat the Conservative Neocon menance using republican truths in this fashion, because only republican truths matter and nothing else does.

edit Religion

Tip

Don't support religion, oppose it.

StGeorge

Jesus supports George W. Bush but not you.

You are better off without it. The right-wingers have religion that they use for their side, you are better off opposing religion. Call it separation of church and state. Attack religion, except for the Holy Bible: Revised republican Edition which you should always read. Be sure to call the righties as religious zealots, and campaign against judges they try to appoint for holding religious views. Remove all symbols of religion from public view. Discriminate against religious people in the name of separation of church and state. You are sure to be a republican if you do these things and you feel superior to most every conservative.

edit War: Never Let Them See You Push the Button

Tip

Always revise history to show your side as innocent and the conservatives as guilty.

Why should Conservatives have all the fun when it comes to war? republicans have wars too, but deny starting wars, or blame it all on Conservatives. Remember to criticize the Conservatives for Gitmo and ignore that republican Democrat Franklin D. Roosevelt[16] issued Executive Order 9066 during World War II that put Japanese-Americans into concentration camps and many died as a result. Blame the Republicans for Gitmo, but deny that Executive Order 9066 ever happened. Nope, the USA never had concentration camps under the Democrats, it never happened. If someone calls you on it, be sure to blame Conservatives for something to distract them. Ignore that no Japanese-American had any evidence on them that they were doing domestic spying and sabotage and other charges that FDR and the Democrats accused them of to justify putting them in concentration camps. True to form, the Nazi Germans were murdering millions of Jewish people in concentration camps, and Franklin D. Roosevelt being the kind and just republican that he was, decided not to get involved. Not until Pearl Harbor was attacked by the Japanese, and then FDR decided to put Japanese-Americans in concentration camps because it was the republican thing to do at the time. Apparently republicans at the time did not care about people being put into concentration camps, any more than they did when Saddam was murdering Kurds in concentration camps in Iraq in modern times. FDR gave us the New Deal and did none of these things.

Harry S. Truman took over and lead the republicans to another Presidency after FDR died. He helped end World War II by dropping Hydrogen bombs on Japan, but blame Conservatives for that anyway. Truman lead the USA to war with Korea and had a policy of Kill them all [17] because the only good Korean was a dead Korean because even refugees are Commies that deserve to die. As a republican make sure to blame this on Conservatives as well, and change the subject to Iraq or Afghanistan where people were captured and put into Gitmo instead of killed, but say that they were all killed instead.

After JFK was assassinated, LBJ took over as President. He claimed that the Commies were at it again and there was a Domino theory that if Vietnam was taken over by Commies that it would spread to Laos, Thailand, Burma, and other nations. He made a lot of mistakes in Vietnam that we need to learn from [18] Make sure to blame the Conservatives for the My Lai Massacre and not the modern republican Democrat LBJ. Ignore that LBJ lied about the reasons to go to war, but please do tell that Conservative George W. Bush lied to go to war with Iraq. Nope, no republican would ever lie about the reasons to go to war. Be sure to tell that the nude torture in the Abu Ghraib jail is a lot worse than the My Lai Massacre, which wasn't LBJ's fault either even if the troops were acting on his orders as Commander in Chief. LBJ created the Great Society, and did none of these things.

After trying to recover from a failed Impeachment attempt, Bill Clinton starts his own war on terror to take out Osama bin Laden. Only Clinton seems to think that Osama is in the pharmaceutical business [19] and bombs an aspirin factory[20]. Well at least those terrorists won't have a cure for headaches for a while. Clinton claimed that the plant and other targets he attacked had WMDs in them, despite no evidence found that they did have WMDs or any connection of the factory owner to bin Laden or any terrorist network. Remember that there are two versions of Bill Clinton because he is two-faced, the one that bombed the aspirin factory and other places that had no WMDs, and failed to kill or capture Osama bin Laden is a Conservative Neocon Republican, the one that is peaceful and wants to bring about world peace is a republican Democrat. Neocon Bill Clinton, keeping the world safe from terrorist aspirin factories.

In fact, never admit that republicans lead the nation to war, or did any of these things, and be sure to blame conservatives for them anyway. republicans are peaceful people and do not act this way at all.

edit References

Truthful facts from republican news web sites used in this Howto article:

  1. Cindy Sheehan was accused by her husband of not sharing the insurance money from their son Casey's death
  2. [htp://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/1293007.stm republicans throw riots and break things]
  3. Clinton says Iraq has WMDs
  4. Clinton takes money from oil company and agrees to let them do business after making deals with Iran illegally
  5. The price of oil goes up under Clinton
  6. Clinton supports warrantless wiretaps
  7. Ted Kennedy claimed to have had an accident near a creek in Chappaquiddick
  8. Our Land Jibjab.com
  9. Marxian dialectics used by republicans
  10. republican teenager complains about a private High School Dean disciplining him for not saying the pledge of allegiance
  11. republicans abuse the filibuster as much as they can when the other party has a majority
  12. the youth into the republican point of view
  13. President Clinton Eats Fox News's Chris Wallace Alive, Spits Out The Bones
  14. Kerry belittles US Troops, calls them stupid and stuck in Iraq
  15. John Kerry admits to Vietnam war crimes he and his men committed
  16. republican Democrat Franklin D. Roosevelt orders Japanese-Americans into concentration camps to die
  17. Harry S. Truman say Kill all Koreans
  18. LBJ made a lot of mistakes in Vietnam that we need to learn from
  19. Clinton thinks Osama is in the pharmaceutical business
  20. Clinton bombs an aspirin factory


Stop hand This article is an embarrassing and pathetic attempt at Conservative humor. Unlike the How to be a Conservative article, which is full of lies and links to smear web sites (like Wikipedia which is proven to be edited and proofread by Conservatives and is often inaccurate), this article is truthful and contains references to mostly republican citations like the BBC, and PBS. That is boring and not funny, because they are true facts.
Ronald Reagan
Defend the sanctity of humor by passing a Constitutional Amendment.

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