HowTo:Be a purebred American
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Greetings, infadeles. My name is Tony Duvall, the creater of this article; and I'm going to teach you how to become a purebred American by being bold and fat, obeying the government... and yes; being succumbed to the superior forces of our nation.
Oh America, a somewhat beautiful land filled with lovable husky citizens protected by the Whitehouse Empire filled with unworthy Congressmen; in which is roofed by none-other than Barack Obama; our American God. You must always remember to look up to our rich country founded by the rascist-white men; which is now currently being carried out by a black man. And that you should never deem to question them under any circumstances. Now here are the steps that can transform you from one of those sissy French-n00bies, to being an American fanatic.
If you want to become an American, the first step you have to follow is appearance. As you see, this beautiful country, is the country of the witless and morbidly obese. So if you'd want to be part of the corpulented population, you'd have to eat about 25 Big Macs a day. Keep it up, and you'll become as overweight as 165 Billion Pounds.
The next thing for appearance is that you must wear clothing that pays tribute to the American flag; such as on your shirt, underwear, etc. But you are going to wear in Quadrupedal Extra-Large because of your weight. And you must loath anyone (such as Muslims, Canadians, Mexicans) that doesn't wear American flag clothing lines. And to really go out of your way by giving America the salute, be sure to moon at people which exposes the middle finger saying, "Join us or Fuck Of and Die!" symbol.
Another step into becoming an American is to watch/listen to the hot, raving entertainment(s) and corporate news that everyone watches; such as Fox News, MTV, Communist Weekly, all of the good ol' gossip and propaganda that will keep you glued to television, and blindsighted from the reality part of life. It will keep you up to date with
phony terrorist plans, trying to bomb America; and being entertained by the same time watching the Jersey Shore. Remember, ALWAYS believe what Fox News are saying, because they are watching you; and they care about your peace of mind, in a world of bondage and extirpation.
As for music, one of the other ways to be legitimized is to listen to the great popular artists such as Lil' Wayne, Ke$ha, Kanye West, Eminem; all of those hip-pa-dee to the pop-pa-dee music that everyone does. If anyone is listening to those psuedo-intellegent, pompus music, just kick them in the nuts! Just like Obama kicks those Anonymous terrorists in the nuts.
Oh, and you MUST love NFL; the best goddamn waste of time in America! Not like those foreign, soccer sissies that call soccer "football". Anyways when you go to the NFL (or college) football dome, always show spirit by being shirtless with a Texas Cowboys tatoo on your big belly. Why? Because the Texas Cowboys team is best there is on Football!!! And when you're at the Detroit Lions game, rant at every Lions fan of how much they suck cocks from hell. Why? Because they suck, and anyone who likes that team are just a bunch of lonely virgins that masturbate in their mom's basement of mirrors for god's sake.
Being an American Fanatic
We all know that purebred Americans need to show American respect at all times. Which is why you must decorate your house on the inside-out. For inside, you must shrine every corner of your room with Barack Obama shrines. It's called showing some decentcey for the president that nurtures us humble folk; or you can create George W. Bush shrines. You know, the Greatest President Who Ever Lived On this Country?
But to really give your heart and soul to Obama, prey to him before you go to bed reading to the
Communist American Bibles; such as the Book of Glasnost, and the Book of Perestroika. Use the two books to also sollute to the U.S Flag.
But there are more ways than just decorating overly-devoted pictures of America; you have to drive like one! By driving Toyota Priuses utilizing natural gas-farts bursting from your ass, because that's way better than driving polluting Hummers; and it's even friendlier to the ozone enviorment. Embellish the Prius with a bumper sticker saying, "HEIL, GLEN BECK! PRIEST OF ALL THINGS FAKE AND AGRITPROP!"; and for the ladies, you can also get some of those vanity plates that depicts, "GR8 ASS!" or, "PRNSTR". That ought to both get you laid, and respected by the American Elite.
Health is an important tool to make sure that you are great and healthy. And to become ashealthy as you can be, you must take as many prescription drugs as possible; and to get vaccinated everyday, so you can untouchable from those pesky H1N1 diseases carried by the illegal Mexicans. To also grow some muscle fibers, pop in some of those steroids; or even Muscle Milk, because that's what gets you strong! I mean after all, Pauly D from the Jersey Shore, did in fact get his fist pumpin' by taking those large quantities of steroids.
Sign effects of taking prescription drugs are serious allergic reactions, Anemia, Bone loss, Amnesia, and hostile depression. Serious problems can unvail from vaccinations as well; such as signs of Guillian-Barre syndrome, difficulty breathing, Autism, and/or especially death. Taking to many steroids or muscile milk leads to shrunken testicles, and your body eventually exploding; leaving you as just a talking head. So please take them at your own risk, as they
definately could propably contain some serious poisons added by the government to kill as many of you hopeless Americans as possible.
The last but most important thing you need to remember is security. Now why would you want some enlarged security you may ask? Because terrorists are everywhere! They could be your boss, wife, kids, your neighbor who touches your kids; annoying relatives, annoying relatives from your secret family you've never told your other family about, etc. Heck, they could be the monsters hiding under your bed!! Or closet... if they are gay and want to fuck you.
Which is why the American Homeland Security System and American Social Security is here; to make sure you are safe, by locking your doors with super heavy-duty locks, window-locks, car locks; the locks on your hair, even on your underwear. Just in case if a terrorist wants to drop a bomb in your pants. The AHSS and ASS is always there to protect you, even when you least expect them to stalk and rob you and your families!
Congradulations! You are now an official purebred American,as there's no turning back now, because you are now controlled by the evil elite corperation. Which means that you'll be a slave to the upcomming New World Order, now that you were dumb enough to believe of what they say. Dumbass!
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