HowTo:Be a conservative
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
| HowTo |
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
WARNING everything in this article is true. If you're allergic to the truth (if you’re a conservative in other words) and are also allergic to Wikipedia-style citations and references with links to the awful truth, DO NOT READ THIS ARTICLE! Uncyclopedia and the authors of this article cannot be held responsible for any damage, injury or conservative hissy fits this article may cause.
How did conservatism come about? The conservative approach to United States politics first began to take shape around 1720 CE as prominent thinkers in the European colonies began to envision a nation for themselves - free from the tyranny of the English royalty, subject only to the tyranny of a then-nascent American oligarchy. Being men of action (presumably with wives of action), they set about defeating the authoritarian government of the time, and setting up an authoritarian government of their own. Recognizing the advantages conferred upon the English government by its close association with the Church of England, conservatives in the newly-formed United States quickly allied themselves with the leading practitioners of the Christian faith in their own homeland.
They quickly found that people could be incited to hold protests where they simply chant the same slogan over and over again until they get their way, which proved a valuable tactic, especially when coupled with playing the blame game -- that they could blame others for their failures and get themselves elected to government. The motto is Blame somebody else, which always works for conservatives.
The origins of the term "conservative" remain mysterious to this day. As evidenced by the conservative party's unwavering opposition to the laws that might protect the environment or reduce oil consumption, it clearly has nothing to do with conservation of natural resources.
What to do
Accuse your opponents of running the show
Before and during WWII the master propagandist Joseph Goebbels told the German people that Jews control everything from the media to the velocity of wind traveling through bus stops and hence must be exterminated. The German media was so anti-Semitic that it would warm Eric Cartman’s heart, but the thick Krauts never seemed to notice ("Kraut" is an abusive epithet for a naughty German, derived from their indecent consumption of the impotence drug, sauerkraut). Drawing upon this the media in America, which is about as conservative as a can be envisaged, accused the liberals of controlling it, and hey presto, the American people believe that too!
Take Republican spin nurse Ann "Trannie with an Adam's apple as big as her balls" Coulter for example. As the graph shows the national debt went from a 47-year low (in 1980 when Democratic terrible president Jim Carter left office) to a 47-year high (in 1992 when Bush the Elder left office). Was it Reagan's glorious massive tax cuts combined with record peace time spending? No! It was the tax and spend Democratic congress of course! In reality, were it not for the Democratic congress's intervention (i.e. if Reagan's actual budget had come to pass, as it no doubt would have under a Republican congress), the rise would have been 85%.
When Democratic president Bill Clinton came into office the graph does an downward u-turn. Clearly the evil "liberal" media would give Clinton a great deal of praise for this right? Wrong! Bill was painted as being Satan's incarnate since the very day he came into office. The liberal media saved all their praise until the graph did a upward u-turn when Republic president Bush the Younger came to office. Then Obama came into office and claimed to inherit the debt, so the liberal media blamed Bush the younger for it in 2011 but Obama was blameless.
Change Your Views to Reflect Conservative views on…
Advocate smaller government, but firmly support laws regulating what consenting adults do in their bedrooms, who can get married or adopt, what people can put into their own bodies, what health decisions a woman can make, who can choose to end their lives, and what languages can be spoken in government buildings. Also you must be "tough on crime" by suspending civil liberties (if you're not a Muslim commie fagot, you have nothing to fear from the government tapping your phone, right? Right? Why do you hate Freedom?).
Conservatives strongly believe that the government can only make a mess of anything that it gets involved in (like social security, Medicare, mail delivery, infrastructure, police, roads, firefighters, military intelligence, amirite?), and that market forces will lead to the most agreeable outcome for everyone (Enron had its employees' best interests at heart). This, combined with a deep-seated fear of sexuality , explains why conservatives strongly support the strict prohibition of prostitution in America.
You must believe that the book is everything and everything good that happens to you is because of the Bible. "I won the election because God said I would. So suck on it liberals." -- George Bush after Congress voted him into office even though there was more votes for Gore. Anytime when you're conservative you can shed the responsibility on God. "I bombed the abortion clinic because the Bible said so." -- Random Female Conservative who was pissed because she was infertile, so she took it out on other people. Everything else is wrong. "Evolution is a theory not a fact, but Creationism is a fact due to this proof here (holding a Bible in one hand and burning a Science for Dummies book in the other.) Go to church then let your kids get raped, because the Bible says priest can't have wives but didn't say anything about child rape. Beating your wife and laying around the house drinking moonshine with a shotgun in your hand is okay because your a good person because you believe in god. You have a right to kill people because they don't believe in the Bible. "Thou Shalt not kill, Unless there Jews, Hippies, Gays, Doctors, Teachers, Anyone with a I.Q. above 70 (because most Christians I.Q. is below that), scholars, Darwin (he was the Antichrist), Obama (he may be Christian but he is a liberal). And last and foremost believe in Rush Limbaugh (he is the new Bush according the Rush Limbaugh savior to Fundamentalist Christians.)
The Bible is infallible... sort of. Like, forget about all those weird passages that promote brutally killing people for as little as violating the Sabbath. Times have changed. As a Conservative, you must only focus on the parts of the bible that promote a conservative agenda. Taking care of the poor? It might be true that if Jesus was alive today we would all be accusing him of being a hippy socialist because he won't shut his fucking yapper about giving up possessions and feeding the needy but that was then and this is now. Today, we have seen the light and figured out that 97.6% of the poor are just a lazy, drug-crazed gypsy's that hate work and keep having kids just to up their welfare benefit. Be selective. For example, most of Leviticus is insane by today's standards but there is still the very useful parts that justify our hate for gays. Anything in the bible that is even remotely negative about homosexuality is awesome because gays make us uncomfortable. As a conservative, you have the luxury of denouncing pretty much the whole old testament (when convenient) besides Genesis because, you know; we like that one.
Sex is believed to have been invented 6,000 years ago (when the world was created, that is) by Satan. Sex is never, ever, ever right, especially if you are a liberal politician, a black person (wouldn't want them darkies breedin', now would we?), gay, or unmarried. This is closely tied in to the abortion argument. You see, to stop abortion, one must stop teen pregnancy, which is best done by making access to birth control utterly impossible. Instead, one must teach an abstinence-only sex-ed program, which teens are CERTAIN to follow, and make sure that knowledge about contraceptives is jack shit. It is unnatural for teenage girls to have sex until they are 40, graduated from college, worked in a good job, and joined the Republican Party and married a good Conservative man. Not like Your Mom or My ex-wife or Rosie O'Donnell who turn to lesbian sex, which is an abomination to our savior Rush Limbaugh the Republican Jesus.
Conservatives advocate a balanced budget, on the basis that it is unfair to our children to borrow money to support the United States today when they can be saddled with the resulting debt when they grow up instead. This is why conservatives are staunchly opposed to any form of birth control. Given the amount the national debt increased during the Reagan and Bush presidencies, the only hope for America's is that there will be enough children born to cover the debts when they grow up.
The Right To Bear Arms
American Conservatives realized in the early 1776s that the example of the newly founded United Kingdom was certainly worth following. Their sensible gun laws meant that any one from the age of conception could carry concealed weapons of any caliber. Not only did this mean that the British and Americans felt safer behind their guns. It also challenged the highly competitive gentry class of citizens "criminals" to give the public their services without the need of weaponry.
Just pretend that nothing has changed since 1789. When the Founders established that "We The People" have the "right to bare arms" they were obviously seeking the protection of future conspiracy-theory prone red-necks armed with a hate for the government and a basement full of government-engineered killing machines. It is irrelevant if those weapons happen to be stored in the room next to a bipolar, semi-retarded 16 year old that is made fun of at school for getting dropped off everyday in a camouflaged amphibious vehicle driven by a dad that looks like Hank Williams JR at a Tea Party Rally. After all, what if the British come back and we need to form militias to protect our farms and plantations?
The Right To Arm Bears
During the Reagan administration, it was brought to the attention of conservatives that vast deforestation could only be slowed, if not halted, by training grizzly bears to operate a 30-06 rifle equipped with a Simmons scope. The bears had to apply for a license which only 500 were issued, due to anti-gun lobbying. The license was easily attained however; The bear has to show up at any local post office or library branch with 5 forms of ID, a birth certificate, urine, blood, saliva, and semen samples. The ear was then tagged, and weapon issued.
Conservatives proudly support the constitution and all that it stands for. Except the parts of about freedom of speech and establishment of state religion. Thus "activist" judges who strike down laws against pornography or prayer in public schools are typically vilified by conservatives who have (to date) been unable to pass the necessary constitutional revisions to enable federal restraint of expression, or unification of the church and state, thus making a sturch or chate.
Conservatives believe that government works best when legislative decisions are made at the local level, so that the policy makers can cater to the unique prejudices of their constituents. Many conservatives are quick to point out that the decentralized nature of United States government is one of its greatest strengths, and that the increasing power of the Federal government is troubling. That is, unless a state enacts legislation that legalizes the medical use of marijuana , assisted suicide for the terminally ill or the legalization of gay marriage. The preferred policy is to send these people who wish to die to Iraq, so they can fight for Halliburton’s oil and get killed at the same time. This kills two birds (and one human) at the same time. Of course local decision-making is only acceptable when the decisions are made in accordance with conservative principles.
Conservatives stand firm in their opposition of handouts for those who are unable to find jobs. Most conservatives employ several illegal Mexican immigrants as manservants and concubines, and are always ready to hire more, so clearly there is no need for additional aid to the unemployed. However, it is critical that all of America's taxpayers share the burden of the subsidies paid every year to farmers who would otherwise lose their jobs. But, of course without farmers, you wouldn't eat. So that last bit I added about farmers is a horrible personal attack fallacy in my argument demeaning conservatives. I'm stupid! The whole reason why food is so affordable in the first place is because of the government subsidies and the use of illegal immigrants to keep costs down. But Liberals want freedom for all and the law followed to the letter, and if that means we have to pay $100USD for an ear of corn so be it. So conservatives support illegal immigration labor and farm subsidies so that even those who earn a minimum wage can afford to eat a decent meal of food and then conservatives can look the other way of the law for the good of the economy.
Crime And Punishment
Conservatives strongly support tougher laws against criminal behavior (especially victimless crimes), and longer mandatory minimum sentences for drug abusers and other felons, (with the exception of those who host popular  conservative talk-radio shows , those who run Evangelic mega-churchs and speak to Bush on a weekly basis and those that deal drugs in order to sponsor murderous South American terrorist organizations that killed 60,000 innocent people and destroyed power plants, hospitals, schools, bridges and burned fields of crops in an attempt to starve the population and destroy farmers just to name a few of their mindless atrocities.)
Conservatives also like to organize hierarchies in prisons and jails among the inmates. Those who are in for violent crimes--especially when it is against liberals--are treated best, followed by the other Christian inmates. Those inmates who are atheist, gay or accused of sexual crimes (like viewing porn) are treated the worst, with violence or murder against them strongly encouraged and rewarded with promises of quickie salvation, similar to what Islamists say to Jihadists.
We couldn’t find any real evidence for our accusations against conservatives, so we resorted to using “smear websites” like the BBC, CNN, USAToday, Wikipedia and the WhiteHouse.gov page instead. Also, Fox News is now liberal.
- ↑ BBC report on embarrassed Ashcroft and the exposed titty.
- ↑ Changing national debt according to the whitehouse page
- ↑ legalization of dope
- ↑ assisted suicides
- ↑ Bush’s $190,000,000,000 ($0.19 trillion) subsidies to southern state farmers. No Bill is perfect eh Bush?
- ↑ Rush Limbaugh’s drug trial
- ↑ Conservative radio talk shows
- ↑ Ted Haggard and his his hoe.
- ↑ Contras. supported by Republican drug smuggling and illegal arms deals with Iran.
- ↑ Contra atrocities.
|Defend the sanctity of humor by passing a Constitutional Amendment.|