HowTo:Be a Jehovah's Witness
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
| HowTo |
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
Hello son. Yes, you, my boy. I've seen you knocking on the doors of those people. Why is not important. So you say you've been brutally raping anyone who answers, but God forgives. Sodomy and murder are simply stepping-stones to be overcome. Well, I would like to help you with this. I do not know how to ask this of someone who's actually listening, so I suppose I'll just come out and say it. Do you know that the world is due to end soon? We said that the world would end many times, the last time in 1975. We were wrong before but we’re sure we’re right now.
Well, I'm a Catholic...
No, no, my son. I asked if you accepted Jehovah, not the perverted message that has been filtered through thousands of years of pillaging, murder, corruption, and Apocrypha. No, their heretical teachings are a far cry from the true message of God. We Jehovah's Witnesses, unlike our foolish brethren, do not believe in such foolish things as Trinity, gun control, and heavy laxative use. Instead, we preach about how we should all follow God through Jesus Christ. Intelligent Design is of course true because the Bible says so. In this, we are entirely separate and distinct from the Catholic Church. In fact, we are entirely different from any other form of Christianity. We believe that Jesus, eternally begotten of the father (God from God, light from light, true God from true God), died not on a cross but a torture stake, built not only from wood but from the sweat and tears of Vietnamese sweatshop workers. We believe that homosexuality is gay, premarital sex is homosexual, and doing or being either will require intense service to God. Please leave your trousers alone son. Premarital wanking is a sin. So is all Wanking. However, only by following us can you gain this providence, as we are the true followers. As a side note, we do not accept gays into the Church.
OK...So What Should I Do?
Well, first things first, my son. Are you gay? Have you engaged in premarital sex? Yes, I understand you have raped, but are you married? Good, then we may proceed. The first thing you must do is notify your spouse that you have become a Witness to Jehovah. Please note that divorce is strictly forbidden, so do whatever you can to avoid this course of action. You'll understand why I say this when the situation presents itself. Undoubtedly it will. Next, you must know how to knock on people's doors. Though I know you are initiated in the ways of door-knocking (as well as other knocking, as you say), you must do it in the way of God.
- Do the Sign of the Cross. No, not that way, the other way. Why? Because we're different.
- Say a prayer. A sample would be "Lord God, through our incontestable leader and savior Jesus Christ, grant us the ability to get through two sentences before being rudely shut out. Please, also, absolve them of their inevitable idiocy and hypocrisy should they be unable to wrap their conformist brains around the idea of change."
- Make a fist, pull out curled index and middle fingers, and rap four times on the door using the knuckle closest to the fingertip. Make the shape of a cross on the door.
- If this doesn't work, ring doorbell repeatedly and without quarter.
Once the goal of getting the inhabitant to the door is accomplished, one must attempt to convert them. You must say "Good morning/afternoon/evening sir/ma'am. Do you know the world is ending? Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior?" They will undoubtedly snort in an obnoxious manner, say yes, and slam their door. Do not be discouraged. Simply rinse and repeat. If the tenants are Muslim, push your way in no matter what. Begin to comment on their clothes, ornaments and food, and say that it's an act of God for you to tell them that it's all wrong. Please note, this must all be done in a subtle, insulting way.
Interesting. And What Are My Beliefs?
Ah, I'm glad you asked. See, my son, we Jehovah's Witnesses are very much in tune with God, so we need no one. We are so faithful that, since only 144,000 may enter heaven, we will be the ones to do so! If you are going to join, you are to cut off all ties from the outside world. We trust no one outside of our religion because they are gateways to sin. We currently enroll over 6 million faithful members, so there are plenty of people to turn to if you need help. No, the police count as outside influence. They should not be consulted unless absolutely needed, and by absolutely needed we mean never. Never allow spite to fuel your life, and do not live a life of rivalry with anyone, least of which your brethren.
But There's Six Million of Us. What Happens to the 5 Million That Aren't Going to Heaven?
Uh....they go to Sheol. Yes, that's it, Earth, the place where those that have not received God's grace are destined to survive off of dirt and food prepared by Chef Gordon Ramsay. It is not torture, as it may seem. Do not worry, it is simply a place to be. But why some and not others, you ask? Well, uh, heh, the thing is.....I DON'T KNOW! THAT'S JUST THE BREAKS, AND YOU'D BETTER ACCEPT IT AND QUICK! Ahem, moving on....
What If You've Been Attacked? Don't Tell Anyone?
An example would help me decide on this. A priest touching a little boy? HERESY! There shall be no such conduct under the law of Jehovah, and thusly will not ever happen. The weakness of other religions shall not be transferred to us! It is the act of a veritable incompetent to ask a question of such utter foolishness. God! Oh, excuse me.......Shhh, I'm praying........ ......OK. Now, what else would you like to know? We do care about you and your sole.
Alrighty then...Can I Still Vote Republican?
We, as Jehovah's Witnesses, do not believe in politics. We are politically neutral, as we serve only God, no one else. Indeed, how could we be expected to serve God when we are distracted by pretty (or not so pretty) faces on the television telling us what to do and think? It is simply sacrilege to believe that any political party can represent a religion when politics are what distorted the message of our Lord in the first place? These people represent nothing but petty punditry and evil evils, their views and ideas sold to the highest bidder. They pretend to associate with our church, represent our morals, and yet all they are are putrid windbags that are so full of lies that the truth cannot hope to be seen.
Yes, you may vote Republican.
Well, then, Let's Get Started!
Yes, my son. Let's get started. You can go again to that very same door you knocked on before. Oh, you can't? Why not? Oh, those people are now deceased? Well, OK, then we can go somewhere else. Yes, of course we can change blocks....let's see. Is this acceptable? Good. Now knock on that door there.....It's OK. i was 184.108.40.206 and i have a dynamic IP :) will listen....Soon, my son, soon......where are you going? Wait, WAIT! O well lost another one to lies of the churches. Oh well, better luck next time...Hello son. Yes, you, my boy.... Who ever said doing the right thing would be easy.