HowTo:Be a Good Catholic
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Welcome, acolyte. We'd like to proudly present you this guide that will help you become a good member of the Roman Catholic
cult Church. Well, if you feel you are already a good member, you can at least check to see if you are REALLY good member. You should also know that this guide will not show you the basic rules of the Roman Catholic Church. If you don't know them, you should look here.
Before we start our holy journey, we'd like to point out that this guide has been approved by both Polish and Spanish episcopates as truthful and accurate. They are considered absolute authorities and the guide have earned their certificates AbsolutelyRight2 and FantasticallyDeceiving3 respectively.
First of all you shall get a separate set of clothes (suit/dress) that you will be only using during Catholic rituals. It shall not be bought in a second-hand shop but shall be made by at least good tailor or be bought in a good shop (with at least moderate prices). If you are not dressed properly, then our magnificient God (existing in three persons!) will be insulted by you! May it be a good beginning in your hard task of becoming a perfect Catholic!? I guess that would be a horrible first impression.
So... If you are nicely dressed Let's start our holy journey. Follow these points and be sure you meet the requirements:
- First of all, you need to have been born into a family that has been Catholic for at least three generations (You may not be a Jew!). If you have even one heretic in a straight line of your genealogical tree, you should give up now - You won't be a good Catholic!
- Secondly, you must have been baptised as an infant so you could be indoctrinated from birth. This was the decision of your parents. If you were baptised as an adult, you will be Catholic, but You will never be a good Catholic!
- Oh well, you can give an offering to a priest, who will be so grateful that he will backdate your baptism documents. Don't worry that it will have a bad influence on your Catholic soul. A priest is a saintly person, and for supporting saintly people you will go to heaven! Always remember: Your donation is your salvation (and bigger donation is better salvation!)
- If you don't have at least four siblings (preferably twelve), you should give up now. That means that your parents are heretics that use condoms, so they have no idea how to do it as God obliged people to do, or they just don't do it so they are idiots, or they are infertile and as we all know, infertility is God's punishment for your mom behaving like a slut in her youth.
- If you meet all the requirements listed above, you can start your journey to become a good Catholic!
However, if you don't meet all the requirements listed above, that means the God does not want you in His Church and to be more accurate, he didn't want you there at all. Opposite the popular myth, God doesn't want everybody in Roman Catholic Church because it would become too egalitarian and that would actually ruin Roman Catholic Church's reputation.
And you can't be converted to the only true faith unless you are:
- A Black African who doesn't know the world civilization - you and your family couldn't know who the God is. That's a perfect excuse.
- A Black African whose family has not been converted to the Roman Catholicism yet. If your Black African family has been already converted and you are not a Catholic yet, go away. Seems that a missionary wasted his time.
- You are a member of an Eastern Orthodox Catholic Church or (especially) a member of a Greek Catholic Church. Those churches are nearly the same as Roman Catholic and their members could be accepted as the Roman Catholic after explaining some differences.
And you are predestinated to be burnt in hell if you are protestant! Go away, blasphemer!!!
edit Requirements of being good Catholic
So... If we went through the preparation, let's talk about the most important thing in being the member of the Roman Catholic Church - money. It is an important part of a Catholic's life, probably the most important. The Pope builds his Catholic Empire on money from worshippers and yes, you guessed it: you are one of them. Check to see if you can meet the monetary requirements for being a good Catholic:
- Remember, each time you visit the Home of God, you need to give some offerings to a priest. World Crisis is not an excuse. You can't let your parish go bankrupt... Don't give coins; it's an insult for God! He sacrificed his son for your sins, so open your purse and give your banknote with the most zeros on it!
- If you are actually poor, that means that God knew you would be miserly so He took his part already.
- When a priest visits your home, you should give him a generous donation or Hell fire will burn you!
- A Bishop does not have never-ending wealth. You should send him some money once a month. Or at least once every two months.
- It is in good taste is supporting your Cardinal. Send him something once a year.
- The Pope also has financial troubles. Recently, he couldn't buy a new diamond-made lamp. Instead, he had to buy a lamp made of ruby. Do you think that is OK? Go to your post office and send him some money!
- If you don't agree with the conditions above, you should give up now. You won't be a good Catholic, you filthy miser!
Church authorities are important in every kind of religion. In the Catholic church, there is a big hierarchy of authorities. You need to have respect for them:
- Love your God more than the other's Muhammad.
- Love your Pope more than your God.
- Love your Cardinal more than your Pope.
- Love your Bishop more than your Cardinal.
- Love your Bishop more than another's Bishop.
- Love your Priest more than all the above together.
- Priest from local parish is your only authority in all religion cases. He always knows better what bishop/cardinal/popethought. Your Priest's word is a saint's word!
- Remember that being a priest is a higher form of existence; therefore they do not have to do pee or poo.
- Remember that your priest cannot be poor (go back to earlier points if you do not remember).
- Your Priest is always right, according to your priest.
- Priests ARE NOT paedophiles, ARE NOT homosexual and NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER have any kind of intercourse with anybody, including themselves.
- If you don't agree with the statements above, you should give up now. You won't be a good Catholic, you unfaithful scum!
- High Mass is neither funny nor interesting. Should it come across to you as the least bit humourous or cool, you will turn into a Baptist. And all good Catholics know that Baptists are heretics. During High Mass, you shall feel sad and grave.
- During High Mass, the order of importance is this: the priest, your wallet, the cross, the altar and intention of the High Mass.
- One thing you never, ever, ever can do is miss High Mass on Sunday! Otherwise you are a heretic! You have surgery!? Who the hell cares! Run to church because the priest needs your money!
- You really have to like going to church.
- Your Priest is always right (we know it has already been in this guide, but you really need to remember this...).
- He is right even when he is not right.
- However, if he is wrong, he is in fact right.
- If your priest is not right, he is right anyway.
- If you still don't get it, you have to be retarded.
- If you don't agree with the statements above, you should give up now. You won't be a good Catholic, you unfaithfull Lutheran Dog!
edit Everyday life of a Catholic
- You shall pray as often as possible, but don't go crazy with it! Otherwise you can become a batpist and that's definitely not good.
- You shall have three copies of the HOLY BIBLE. However, you shall not read the Bible or, what is worse, understand it because you would misunderstand it, which is for Jehovah's Witnesses.
- You can't eat meat on Fridays. Just accept it and it will be cool. No, you can't eat meat even if it is the only food available to you at the time. No! No meat on Fridays. Just, just accept it, OK?
- You should permanently join your hand to your rosary. This way you will be showing your dedication to Saint Virgin Mary and you won't lose it.
- You should note down every sin you committed. That makes it easier at confession.
- The length of your list of sins doesn't matter. After absolution this list becomes blanked and God just doesn't care about them anymore.
- You should go to priest for confession at least once a month. Of course you have to bring with you a nice amount of money for his troubles.
- If the above statements are not right for you, give up now. You won't be a good Catholic!. Get back to your sinful life, you wanna-understand-the-Bible offender!
edit Holy war
- First of all, you shall watch only Catholic TV, listen to Catholic radio and read only Catholic newspapers to protect yourself from bad influence coming to you from the evil Jewish Communistic world full of heathens.
- You shall not think that everything good on this world comes from God and everything bad comes from the Devil. No! That's what Protestants say! Everything bad on this world comes from Jews, Communists and atheists, and the Roman Catholic Church is fighting against those heretics!
- Remember to prevent any expression of heresy among the members of your family! You shall use such indoctrinating methods that nobody in your family would even think about heresies!
- Remember, every Jew, Protestant, Baptist or Mormon is a heretic and every Eastern Orthodox Catholic is a schismatic! Don't confuse those definitions. Heretics are destined to be burnt at the stake after cruel tortures, and schismatics can be converted to Roman Catholicism!
- Remember that each atheist is a blasphemer and heretic at the same time! You shall kill any atheist at once!
- Remember that each deist is also blasphemer and heretic at the same time! It's a lesser level than atheist but they are also destined to be killed at once.
- But remember that each agnostic is an idiot as he just doesn't know. You can't blame him for that. However, you shall kill him using holy fire, and God will know if he was ours or not ours.
- Kill each Satanist you see. It's not against the Ten Commandments; it's getting closer to salvation.
- You should cite the Bible each time you have any conversation with anybody. Or maybe not..that's what Protestants are doing. Forget about this point.
- You shall argue to the bitter end that God exists and is Catholic!
- Each argument ends by using holy fire to burn your opponents that are of course heretics.
- Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Don't sleep during High Mass!
- Atheism doesn't exist! It's just another heresy!
- Crusade against Jihad!
- Use holy fire against suicidal bomb attacks!
- Actually, "holy war" is the basis of the everyday life of a Catholic. Yes, Muslims are better show-offs, but trust me, Catholics also have their Jihad.
- You also shall accept and execute all statements above, otherwise You won't be a good Catholic!. You may even be a Muslim! I hope you're gonna die, you brainwashed Allah follower!
edit Contraception and sexuality
- You may not be a homosexual, even if you are a really, really hot lesbian.
- Remember that God hates fags
- Homosexuality was invented by Satan and therefore you become heretic while doing it with homosexual
- And you know what Roman Catholics do with heretics...
- Anal sex is prohibited even amongst the heterosexual.
- Actually, if you did it in any other position than classical, you have committed a deadly sin! It's worse than using condoms!
- And contraception was invented by heretics.
- If you use any kind of contraception, you are a heretic!
- Each intercourse shall end with pregnancy. Otherwise, intercourse will be a deadly sin! Oh, you also can be infertile but it's God's punishment as this occurs only when you want to have children.
- If you don't want to have children, go buy a layette. You can expect a baby in 9 months.
- If you have an athiest, jewish or protestant spouse you are a witch/warlock that gets burned.
- If you don't want to make your Catholic Family bigger, you are a heretic working on the Devil's side! Go to hell!
- You can't have prurience! It's sin!
- The only acceptable methods of spending onself are: adding bromine to your morning cereal, and looking at Rosie O'Donnell.
- Each spermatozoon is saintly! It's potential life. If you waste it, you are a sinner!
- If you even think about using condoms, remember that using one causes salmonella, mumps, scurvy, staphylococcus, glaucoma, eczema, plague, ebola, denga and AIDS. Using condoms can also make you bald, depressed and addicted to alcohol. All that leads to masturbation, and if you practice that: you will burn in hell!
- If you think that being a heterosexual, having children and not using contraception is not for you, give up. You won't be a good Catholic! GOD HATES YOU, FAG!!!
Masturbation is one of worst things that a Roman Catholic can ever do! Never, ever, ever masturbate! Or you will go blind! And you will get tetanus! And AIDS! Masturbation is absolutely forbidden for all Roman Catholics! If you masturbate, you can die! You will die and go to hell! Don't do this! If you think you are an ugly bastard and you can't live without masturbation, give up now because You won't be a good Catholic!
Abortion is another deadly sin, equal to murder. If you want to be a good Catholic, you can't even think about having an abortion (for you or your girlfriend... WIFE! It's obvious you can't have intercourse before your wedding!). However, we have few simple rules about abortion:
- Jesus in Scrubs TV Series said that Every life is precious. And that means simply: no abortion!!!
- Abortion is murder and sin. You will burn in hell after having an abortion!
- Oh well... If the parents are drug takers with no future... NO!!!! ABORTION IS MURDER!!!! It doesn't matter that half of egg cells are automatically removed from a woman's body as part of a natural process!
- Abortion can't be done even if giving birth to a child can kill the pregnant woman!
- Abortion can't be done even for a 12-year-old girl! She shall be a virgin up to her wedding day!
- Abortion can't be done even for a raped woman (even if she is a 12-year-old girl)!
- Abortion can't be done even for the victim of a mass rape (even if she is a 12-year-old girl)!
- Abortion is murder!!!
Oh, and we need to put a small disclaimer: Abortion is murder but killing infidels in holy wars is not a murder nor a sin. Abortion - sin, killing infidels - not sin - you remember this, you will be a good catholic, and if not, you know...
In Roman Catholic Church there are absolutely no legal methods of receiving the divorce unless your partner happened to be a transsexual or homosexual. Then the marriage is considered illegal and is treated like it never happened. Homosexuals and transsexuals are meant to be treated like heretics.
Roman Catholic church absolutely does not approve divorces because divorces break the natural law - the law which states that spouses have to remain together to the bitter end of one's life. That's because God created woman as a curse for a man. Therefore man, who once chooses his wife, is cursed for the remainder of his life (or until wife accidentally dies).
But what about the situation in which woman and man argue all the time or have the bad sexual relations? Well... Sex is a taboo in the Roman Catholic Church so there's no answer. About arguments... Every priest got enough psychological skills to solve the problem. It contains a lot of prayers and money paid to the priest who will pray for the married couple.
edit Roman Catholic and dogmas
- All Catholic dogmas are true. Well...you say some of them were not mentioned in the Holy Bible? Well...God forgot and he is providing these forgotten dogmas to us so we can spread them around the Roman Catholic world.
- Saint Virgin Mary was born from a virgin; she bore Jesus while a virgin and she also died as a virgin. Impossible? Then fuck off! You won't be a good Catholic if you don't believe that!
- God is magnificient, merciful and he loves everyone! You need to really believe that or this God will slap the door to Heaven in your face.
- You don't have to be circumcized if you want to be a good Catholic. That's why Catholics are better than Jews.
- You can't be circumcised!!! Even if you had phimosis! Suffering is a way to salvation!
- If you don't agree with the above dogmas, give up now, because You won't be a good Catholic.
edit Death of a Catholic
- First of all, you shall remember that if any Catholic dies without having repented, he will go to the purgatory and will spend there at least one hundred years (or longer) and because time in purgatory, heaven or hell goes 6 times slower, it will be like 600 years. Be sure you have read the section about the confession. Better go to confession every day. If you won't go to the confession for over a month and you will be run over by a car and you had had serious sins on your list - you will go to hell! It doesn't matter how wonderful things you had committed in your life before. All that really counts is your list of sins.
- A Catholic should die in his bed while praying on his rosary and holding a blessed-wax candle in his hands. Of course there should be a priest next to him waiting for at least 10% of his will.
- Every Catholic has to have a Catholic funeral (with obvious costs; the priest needs to sacrifice his time for that). There can't be any heretic within 10 kilometres. Take care of any heretics in the area by using holy fire.
- Actually, you can't really take care of your own funeral arrangements. Well, you should force your family to give you an appropriate funeral but they can be lame and will not do it...Well, then your family is not really Catholic and, if the statements above are not fulfilled, You weren't a good Catholic!
Well...If you came through this difficult way and you meet all requirements and you agree all statements...You are a good Catholic!!!
But if you miss even one requirement...then You are not a good Catholic. Your future depends on your choices. If you are a bad Catholic, you will go to hell. If you were a heathen, you will go to your own Heaven or Hell or in what you believe. If you were an atheist, it's enough to engrave on your tomb, I'm not going anywhere!
edit See also
- ↑ The Roman Catholic Church has been sued by Fred Phelps for copyright infringement. Vatican had to pay 40 million dollars of compensation.
- ↑ No! Priests are not gays! If you still doubt that, get lost! You are not a Good Catholic!
- ↑ As above
- ↑ Only losers divorce.
|Featured HowTo: Article|