## How to be sort of Badass

Look up Be a Badass in Undictionary, the twisted dictionary

This is the way that most people take. If you ask someone what they think a badass is, they will probably point out someone who meets these requirements. The requirements for being sort-of badass are:

1) Take drugs. This is the first step. Start with cigarettes. Think about how badass you'll look smoking on a street corner with your fellow badasses. Drink a ton of beer, and let everyone know exactly how much beer you drink. Pretend to use crack. Don't actually use any. You want to be a badass for as long as you can, and dying would get in the way of that.

2) Join the "wrong crowd." These are all wanna-be badasses like yourself. Beat up a few Kids, do drugs, and soon you will be the leader of the wrong crowd. Once you are, talk back to the teacher, spit snuff on the principal, cut class, wear a hat, and pull your pants down so that they are right below your boxers. Now that you have done all this, you can drop out of school.

3) But thats not really what you want, if you drop out they might let you come back. Do something even better than dropping out like, being expelled. You can do it. Just do all of the above, plus get in a food fight at lunch, moon the assistant principal, and fail every test you take. It helps to smoke pot in school too. And if you don't know where to get any, ask the english teachers.

4) Now you can devote all of your time to being badass. Do everything above twice as much at home, and try to get arrested a few times.

## How to get arrested (A brief list)

• Ding dong ditch every house in your town
• Continue using drugs, this time in front of a police officer
• Attempt to buy drugs from the police officer when confronted
• Beat up everybody you see
• Try to buy a handgun
• Trip every old lady you see
• Set off fireworks in front of the police station
• Pretend to be in a gang
• Start selling drugs
• Sell drugs to a police officer in the parking lot of the police station
• Try to sell drugs to the first undercover police officer you see
• Repeat

Congratulations, you are now sort of badass. There is also a secret hand gesture used by people of this level in the Badass Brotherhood. Hold up your middle finger. There, that is the hand symbol. Soon you won't just be admired by the guy in the van on the corner with the free candy sign, you will be the guy in the van on the corner with the free candy sign. This is your life from now on.

## How to be really Badass

Not everyone knows this, but there is a level beyond "sort of badass." That is why it's only "sort of" badass. If you want to be really badass, read on. This is the type of badass that I am. Unfortunately, this country is a group of complete idiots who say this is actually how to be a nerd. They are wrong. The Irish, on the otherhand, actually recognize the distinction. They are always right.

Some steps to being really badass:

1)Become a birder. The longer your life list is, the more of a badass you are.

2)Learn how to solve a rubix cube in under 2 minutes.

3)Express your grade point average as $13x+67^2=4,541$

4)Get a GED, and answer all your teachers questions with another question more thought provoking and philisphial than his.

If I told you anymore about how to be really badass, the higher ranking members of the Brotherhood of Badasses would kill me. The hand gesture for someone who is really badass is this: Hold your hand with your palm facing someone. Spread your ring finger and middle finger apart from each other. No matter what anyone tells you, this is not from star trek. You are not a nerd. You are really badass.

## Don't Trust The Bastards Above Me, This Is The True Way To Being A Bad Ass

Just read this story and it will teach you how to be a badass, and the horrors of being one.

A True Story I Just Made Up

By: Zach May