HowTo:Be Scott Brown

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Scott Brown

Scott Brown has no trouble being Scott Brown. Saying anything believable about public policy — that's a whole 'nother thing.

Scott Brown is a former U.S. Senator from Massachusetts, having had a cup of coffee in the upper house from 2011 to 2013, and in 2014, a wannabe Senator from New Hampshire. This article is a step-by-step approach for readers who want to be just like him.

edit Get naked

Strip down pose for Cosmo. This is set up to cause controversy for your future campaign and to annoy the politically correct; and at the same time making your self even more appealing in a blue state. Not only that win Cosmo's "America's Sexiest Man," within the time frame of college. You'd be nude, but "You don't see anything," an accurate prelude to a short Senate career.

edit Buy a pick-up truck

A pick-up truck is essential if you want to be Scott Brown. How can you say, "I'm just a guy who drives a truck?" You can't, and no you can't get that Ferrari, even if you're actually Scott Brown. Remember, your campaign needs to have the phrase "gas that truck" and you have to embarrass Obama with the fact you drive a truck. And obviously this is to completely show up your feminine running mate who probably has an SUV. And everyone knows a pick up truck is ten times better than that piece of crap of an SUV. Yes, Martha Coakley had an SUV. So long story short: buy a pick up truck and run a bajillion miles on it.

edit Decide where you're from

Well, first you need to be born in Maine and then grow up in Massachusetts. Be active for thirty years in the Army National Guard. This will form your opinions on foreign diplomacy. Then live in Wrentham, get married, have wicked hot daughters and make sure you are not too well known before your campaign. This will appease the mostly liberal Massachusetts. For now...

edit Run a bitchin' campaign

First, ensure that your opponent is the most incompetent person to represent the Liberal Party ever. Like Martha Coakley. It would be best if it was Martha Coakley but if you can't, try to find a replacement.

Now, wrack up the miles on your pick-up truck meeting a ton of people all around of Massachusetts. You need to slowly accumulate money and eventually have commercials. Then your political opponent needs to run a commercial campaign of hate ads making her look like a douche but you take it. Because you are the bigger man.

edit Catch your opponent being stupid

Martha-Coakley-Clueless

Clueless

Then you need your opponent to say something wicked stupid. Saying "Schilling is on the Yankees" would do it. And then she needs to epically lose the debate and say the Taliban don't exist. And also that commies don't exist. Just to be sure, have a sketchy creeper run a third-party campaign and make a complete tool of himself.

Finally, a week before the election, magically become famous and own your opponent in the polls. Say things that shock your own party, establishing yourself as a priceless "maverick" and not some crazy, right-wing Republican. Because in Massachusetts you're educated, unlike the South.

edit Lather, rinse, repeat

If, two years later, you should confront a challenger who actually knows how to debate, move to the next state over and try again. Two down, 48 to go.

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