HowTo:Be Emo
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 WARNING!This guide is full of emo, emo and more emo. Reading it may fill you with an unexplainable burst of joy and as such, you may be at risk of rainbows and Skittles shooting out of your arse in pure happiness. You have been warned.
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“Oh yes! Hallelujah! Oh yes!!!”
“This article is like a description of my life...”
“Rawr”
“God... It's all my ####### parents fault, they just can't stand the thought of me actually happy... I wish I was Dead”
“God... You're the only one that understands me, of course I want to meet you”
“Pathetic losers”
An Emo is a model of perfection and brilliance among the people of our world. Many people are inspired by emos and look to them for life guidance. Read on to discover how to transcend beyond animal brutishness and join their prestigious ranks.
If you are reading this you obviously have no friends and you'll try anything to make some. Well look no further, being depressed and bitching about your parents is the easiest way to look cool. More than likely you are not depressed and do not hate your parents more than the average teenager, so this article will teach you to pretend.
Contents |
[edit] Introduction
Emo is a word used to describe a person, object or style which represents the paragon of perfection in our society. Popular opinion is that these people – "emos", as they have become fondly known – follow only the very specific trends of flawlessness described in this article. Actually, the word simply describes anyone superior to the person using it. However, this article will refer to the specific image of emos, as known to the Western world. If you are unfamiliar with this image, read on to find out more!
Many believe that emos are present only in Westernised cultures; this is false. In fact, the word "emo" has variants in almost all languages, all meaning, in one way or another, superiority, intelligence, beauty, or courage, or any combination of those words.
It is fully understandable that anyone who is not an emo, would be jealous and almost suicidal upon reading this short description. Fear not! This guide will attempt to give you the tools and understanding necessary to become the human race's best work yet, as an emo. And for a short time, it is entirely free! Just keep reading.
[edit] A Reason for Being Emo
Before we get into the main reason for being an emotionally un-stable psycho, lets just establish a generalization - self harming. Whether its with tooth pics or sharpened tampons we all know thats why people do it. Right on with the article... Well, just look at that picture, for one thing. Oh, yes please... Ahem. In short, self-improvement can be practiced by almost anyone, where the exception, of course, is for those who have reached the glorious state of being an emo.
For example, perhaps you feel that your sex-life is not as active as you would like it to be? Or maybe you feel that you deserve more respect from your peers? Do you want to improve your life? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you are a prime candidate to learn the ways of the emo.
[edit] Famous Emos
Not convinced? Emos boast a number of distinguished members in their ranks: take a look and see if you recognise any of the following...
- Jesus (pictured) – Yes, Jesus was the first documented emo in history, and he, in fact, contributed most of these guidelines. Seriously, how hardcore of an emo would you have to be to forego the lightweight wrist-slittery of modern-day, watered-down emoism for the extreme magnificence that lies with driving nails through your own hands?!
- Umbreon – Think of the coolest, bestest, most amazing Pokémon ever. Is it Umbreon? No? Well, that's because you're not an emo and don't have refined tastes. But never fear, because, by the end of this article, you will have learnt how to fix that!
- Romeo – Don't know who Romeo is? That's because you're not an emo, but we'll soon fix that! To keep it short, Romeo is the undisputed master of emo: he was wracked with emotion when he realised his beloved Juliet was dead, so much so that he he killed himself with poison! Brings a tear to my mascara-covered eye...
[edit] Appearance
Emos' appearances generally reflect their inner selves. Untarnished, flawless skin, relaxed body language, an unrivalled dress-sense manifesting as the most confidently incredible style, and naturally smooth, silky hair are usually a must. When choosing your new emo style, keep in mind that confidence is key. Do not be afraid to stand out from the non-emo population. However, there is a line to be drawn – some clothes/hairstyles/etc. are better than others, some are shit no matter how confident you are – whether or not you can draw this line in the right place determines how likely you are to survive as an emo, but we can give some tips (see the items below). Achieve your new look as an emo, and the rest (kindness, courage, etc.) will most probably follow.
[edit] Fashion
Dressing will be very important to you as an emo, because it is your way of announcing to the world “I am an emo, hear me roar.” It is your personal, unique exclamation of your ideals and personality. As an expression of these pillars of your own perfection, the most popular items of clothing are:
- Footwear: Vans or Converse. It is a well known fact that the designers of these items of footwear had the emo style in mind. On observation of the careful stitching and water-tight seals, you can see how reflective of emoism these really are: the painstakingly made stitching may represent the consideration you put into everything you do, and the water-tight sealing of the sole may symbolise your unwavering morality.
- Jeans: Figure-hugging. Show off your perfectly-proportioned, well-muscled legs with "skinnies". Black, for preference, representing the depth of your thinking.
- T-Shirt: Band logos; usually slim-fitting. Is your favourite band My Chemical Romance? Mine too! We can find a t-shirt to express that! Everyone will admire you, because, in stating clearly your taste in music, you are stating your individuality and saying "this is me, and I am confident". And, of course, confidence is paramount as an emo (no surprise there – what's not to be confident about?). Or, with the same reasoning, make use of bold, daring coloured logos of any kind. Striped contrast is also popular.
- Jacket: Your choice! Emos are no strangers to adversity. Show this with a thick jacket, if you like. Or, something thin with vibrant colours on it! Whatever you feel like – embrace your individuality. Try to make sure it represents the real you, though.
- Accessories: Bracelets, necklaces, piercings, badges. You might aim to contrast your nobly pale skin with a black- or purple-coloured bracelet. Badges will be of some of your favourite bands, TV shows, people, etc. But they are not necessary, do not let them ruin your fashion if you feel that they would be detrimental to your style. Consider spiked or studded items to display further confidence.
Emo Fashion is complicated and can can be difficult to grasp for beginners: however, an emo wardrobe should consist of mainly the following:
- Black hoodies (preferably with band name/logo, to be worn in hot weather to show how non-conformist you are)
- Black t-shirts (preferably with band name/logo, to show off the cuts on your wrist)
- Black shoes/runners (don't have to be originally black, permanent marker is just as cool, preferably with mis-matching shoelaces, to show how non-conformist you are)
- Skinny Jeans (preferably black, though blue jeans will work with slight modifications, mainly rips, or band names written in permanent marker)
- Though the above are all you need, you can still wear whatever the "Popular Kids" are wearing, though they must be coloured black, or have band names written on them in permanent marker.
Your fringe should cover between ½ and ⅞ of your face at all times and be dyed black: if you cannot/are not allowed dye your hair, black permanent marker does the job perfectly. If you have trouble remembering how the emo hairstyle should look, buy a portrait of Hitler and hang it by your mirror. Use it as a guide when doing your hair.
Also, you can follow the teachings of Emo Philips, marry a bitch who plays the accordion, then divorce her when she becomes more emo than you.
[edit] Hair
Your hair is a playground — you have atop your head an amazing tool with which to express your creativity. Don't let it go to waste, be experimental! Covering one eye with a wisp of longer hair is a wonderful way to demonstrate the intense vigour of your day-to-day outlook. A messy style could show how laid-back you are. Yes, longer hair is useful: what can you do with short hair? Nothing, that's what. And, accessorise! Put flowers in there. And, of course, there is no way of denying the uses of...
[edit] Colour
Do not be restricted by your natural blandness. If you have a streak of any colour, you'll gain instant respect. Or, dye the whole thing. Dark colours, especially black, can represent gravitas; lighter or vibrant colours will promote an image of confidence, and represent uniqueness.
[edit] Personality
Be prepared to enjoy constant praise as an emo. Research has shown that, other than thanks for good deeds, the most common thing said to an emo is a compliment of their personality. Here are some well-known facts about emos that you can implement into your own life:
- Attitude to life. Negativity. Darkness. Pessimism. Cynicism. None of these words are apt for a description of the emo attitude. Or their outlook on their own position in the cycles of the world. In fact, to describe emos as "up-beat" would almost probably be an understatement. Many to most emos are afraid of blood. avoid sharp and pointy objects because the culture may shun you if found bleeding.
- Confidence. As mentioned many times previously in this guide, an emo is not an emo if they are not confident. Be bold!
- Conversationalism. Oh! The wondrous topics presented in a conversation with an emo. You hardly even have to respond. Emos often wonder why the subjects of their irresistible barrage of glory react with grunting, squealing and even screaming noises – this is actually due to the mental orgasm experienced during emo lipwork.
- Kindness. An emo will always, without fail, put other humans before him or herself.
- Trustworthiness Go on. Find an emo. Any emo, one you don't know, even. Tell him or her your biggest secret. They will not spread this secret, I personally guarantee this. Gossip is a word found in the emo's vocabulary only for the reason that it allows him or her to better avoid it. So, try to emulate this: any secret told to you, big or small, should be kept with you.
So prepare for parties, parties and more parties! Because, if you follow those guidelines, you won't be without friends and admirers.
[edit] Self Harm
The easiest way to look depressed is to self-harm, and the coolest way to self-harm is to slit your wrists. The correct way to slit your wrists is shown to the left, while the method on the right should only be attempted under extreme circumstances, i.e. people stop thinking you're cool.
To maximize the effects of slitting your wrists, short-sleeved shirts should be worn at all times (unless the temperature is above 25˚Celsius, in which case a long-sleeved black shirts should be worn, preferably with the name and/or logo of an emo band.) to show the affected area,you must act like you don't want people to notice the scars/scratches (most likely scratches) while taking advantage of every available opportunity to show them off or bring them up in conversation (this requires a skill that can take days to master.) Remember, It's down the road, not across the street. Make it Count! Thats an easy way to remember how to do it!
[edit] Bitching
Bitching is, after self-harm, the coolest thing an emo can do. Bitching should mainly be focused on your parents, but if you are especially creative you may also bitch about your siblings and teachers. Making up wild stories all your own is even cooler but they absolutely must be traumatic and the source of all knowledge in the universe, which is why emos are so deep and misunderstood.
For the less creative emo, here is a list of the most common bitching, it should be noted that all of the following are about the emo's parents and all are in capital letters, to show that the emo is screaming loudly, feel free to take full credit for the following:
"YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ME, I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU"
"I DON'T CARE IF I'M ONLY 12, WE LOVE EACH OTHER AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT"
"I DON'T CARE IF WE'RE BOTH MALE, WE LOVE EACH OTHER AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT"
"I DON'T CARE IF SHE/HE IS A DOG! SHE/HE UNDERSTANDS ME!
"BUT THIS IS HOW I LOOK! WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO CHANGE ME?"
"(teacher's name here) IS SUCH A RETARD!"
"(sibling's name here) IS SUCH A RETARD!"
"YOUR RULES ARE GAY!"
"I HATE MY LIFE, WHY WAS I BORN LIKE THIS?"
"YOUR FACE!"
"MR. WINKLER IS GAY!!!! I HOPE HE GETS SOME SICK!!!!!"
"I'M IN THE BUSINESS OF MISERY!"
"MY PARENTS DON'T UNDERSTAND ME AT ALL! I WISH I WAS NEVER BORN!"
"IF LIFE ISN'T FAIR THEN WHY CAN'T IT EVER BE UNFAIR IN MY FAVOR?"
"IF LIFE IS SO GOOD THEN WHY DO ROSES HAVE THORNS?!"
"GELLON!"
"SIGH!"
"no one understands me!"
[edit] Physical Condition
In the males, six-pack abs, beautifully curved chests, broad shoulders and bulky legs (I know you've seen those skinny jeans). These muscles are the result of years of hard work, and free time spent almost exclusively on exercise. Often, strong, squared jawlines and perfect facial features are noticeable. And, unsurprisingly, emo males have impressively large penises. Seriously. Oh yes they do... Ahem. Yes.
Moving on to the females, one notices an abundance of breast, clear skin (though this is also true of the males), slenderness, and toned muscles.
Of course, this is all stereotyping, and not true of all emos, but there is an obvious trend. Especially with the cocks.
[edit] Social Life
As an emo, your social life should mainly revolve around sending chain-mail on MySpace, but if for some reason you ever find yourself in a relationship (if you are truly emo you shouldn't even bother reading this) you should try and spend every waking hour (approximately 23.5 hours a day) with your partner. If for some reason you are unable to achieve this, you should spend every waking hour calling your partner on the telephone "just to say I love you".
If your partner ever express the need to "have some time alone" or "just hang out with some friends" you should ignore this. It is obviously a joke and you should show up unexpectedly and start making out with them immediately. Either that or you should try to manipulate them into feeling guilty about it. That is very emo. If you don't try to do this at all possible times you can't be emo. And if you're not emo, no one will love you.
Another vital instruction into making it as an emo is to send questionnaires to all your online friends, starting off with ordinary questions like "What is your least favourite vegetable?" and "What's your favourite primary colour", and then going slightly off-the-rails with "Have you ever seen a man naked?", then climax with "Would you f**k me?". It's amazing how much this garners attention.
[edit] Emo Music/Poetry
As an emo you are required to write poetry about Death, Suffering, loneliness, Vampires or Getting Dumped. The poetry should be repetitive. A good emo should be able to stretch out a 4-line poem to at least one A4 page.
Emo music is basically the same as emo poetry, but with guitars, basses, drums and, unfortunately, a public performance. Luckily all emo music sounds exactly the same to any non-emo, so after several minutes an immunity is developed: however, if it is your first time to an emo concert, one should bring an antidote to the music just in case the unexpected happens.
[edit] Digital Communication
An extremely important element of this is blogging. Explain to the world your fashionable acquisitions, your epiphanies on life (intelligent emos (i.e., all of them) think a lot, remember this) and your newest partner. Post pictures of yourself; update daily: most of us cannot live without your guiding light as an emo. Or, use instant messaging to talk to your friends! Worthy of note here is the fact that the word emoticon is derived from emo: emo + icon = emoticon!!! (Oh... Hang on... + t.) So use emoticons as much as you like. And more!
Have you ever noticed how boring your name looks when written down? Well, emos have, and they have also invented a way to get round the problem. Next time you write your name down, follow these steps:
- Come up with a catchy bit of imagery that really reflects your spirit – we'll use "Dark Soul" as an example. But make sure you put your heart into it! It has to represent you.
- Surround it with a few decorative punctuation marks – for example, "~~<//\Dark|Soul/\\>~~".
- Mess up the capitalisation – "~~<//\dArK|sOuL/\\>~~".
- Finally add some crosses – "xxXX~~<//xxXX\dArK|sOuL/XXxx\\>~~XXxx" – and you're done!
No internet access? No worries! Any emo worth their piercings talks to friends with a mobile phone. In fact, studies show a correlation between penis size and how up-to-date one's phone is. That is to say, if an emo's phone is more than two months old, his penis will start to shrink out of sheer embarrassment. As such, your mobile phone is possibly your third most valuable commodity, after your clothes and hair, so do remember to spend an inexplicably large amount of money on a new one every so often!
[edit] Congratulations
Congratulations! You have achieved perfection! Just remember what this guide has told you and, in no time, you'll be the talk of the town.
