HowTo:Be Australian

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Map of Australian states
Australia is in a right state.

G'Day, mate, and you bloody ripper! You've chosen to be an Aussie mate, the best farking people in the whole farking world! Too bloody right we are! So here's a little guide to how you can be the best bloody farking Aussie you ever could be! Crikey!

edit Don't Be Asian

The first thing to remember about being Australian is not to be anything else while you're doing it. For instance, if you happen to come from Asia or have ancestors that came from Asia (no matter how long ago), you're pretty much disqualified right out of the gate.[1]

There are a few things Asians can do to avoid the stigma of 'being Asian'. Firstly, they can go to a country which is not Australia. Secondly, they can attempt to "blend in" as much as possible by never going to the places where being Asian is likely to cause the most problems. Stay away from sporting events, pubs, clubs and Queensland.

Australian scientists have estimated that, with enough beer, they'll have found a way to alter the DNA of Asian people to make them into white people pretty soon. This has met with considerable opposition from Australia's Asia-Pacific neighbours, but Australians don't seem to care about that. Or much else.

edit Don't Be African

See Don't Be Asian above.

edit Don't Be Indian

See Don't Be Asian above.

edit Don't Be an Ay-rab

See Don't Be Asian above.

edit Don't Be Vegetarian

See Don't Be Asian above.

edit Don't Be Indigenous

To be considered 'truly' Australian, it helps if your ancestors arrived as convicts rather than having lived in the country for tens of thousands of years. Despite the term "indigenous" having a fairly obvious meaning, Australians do not consider Aboriginal people to be 'Australian' in the meaningful sense. NEVER POINT OUT THE IRONY IN THIS TO AN AUSTRALIAN. They will hit you.

edit Talk Proper

Two speech forms exist in Australia:

  • Verbal Diahorrea: This was imported from New Zealand, where the inhabitants speak without opening their mouths. Themostimportantpartofbeingaussieistospeaksoquicklyandusingsomanygudgoogingerongsthatnobodyelseintheentireworldcanunderstandasinglethingyouretalkingaboutbecausetheyreallabunchofgingigoolibozzaspleasenotemanyofthewordsinthissectionaremadeup.
  • Mental Constipation: The... method... here... is... to... talk... real... slow... like... they... do... in... western... New... South... Wales..... So... take... your... time... and... practice... saying: "You... local... fellahs...?" and: "I... hear... life's... real... fast... in... the... City...!"

edit Gain a nick-name

As a subsidiary to talking proper, it is essential to have a name which has at least three syllables chopped off the end, or possibly superfluous letters added. This is primarily in aid of being able to be pronounced (or more rather slurred understandably) while under the influence of large amounts of alcohol or laziness:

English Name Australisation
John Johno
David Davo
Paul Paully
George Georgie
Barry Bazza
Charles Bloody English Pom
Robert Bob
Gary Gazza
Henry Hazza
William Bill
Nicholas Nico
Gerard Gezza
Sharon Shazza
Stephanie Steph
Kylie Kylie
Barbara Barb
Tegan Tazza

edit Transport

Up until relatively recently there were three primary forms of transportation in Australia: kangaroos, quads and utes. Anyone seen driving anything other than this will be a 'wanker' or a 'sheila'. Until children were old enough to gain their ute licenses they could only ride kangaroos, hence the large number of 'kangaroo-only' parking spaces found in front of most public schools. However, due to rising grass prices, and recent changes in legislation regarding the proper use of the term 'wanker' there has been a vast expansion in automobile types allowed in Australia without the owner risking (much) physical harm. Ford Falcons and Holden Commodores are now commonplace, and rare appearances of Cortinas evoke nods of approval.

edit Apparel

To successfully be Australian you will need to be able to blend in. The general uniform of the suburb-dwelling Australian consists of shorts, or 'stubbies', a singlet and thongs. Individuality is often expressed through the various stains covering these. A tattoo 'sleeve' and another stubbie (this one of beer) clutched in the hand completes this outfit. Females will generally have a 'tramp stamp' rather than a sleeve, or a halter-neck singlet, however otherwise differences are marginal at best. An occasional nod to Winter may call for the wearing of 'ugg' boots instead of thongs. As you move further inland, where grass grows higher and snakes larger, you will probably prefer to do as the locals and cover the singlet with a flannel shirt (must be checked, by law), jeans, Blundstone boots and Akubra hat. [2]

Ozzie
A typical Australian male.

edit Correct Usage of Flag

The flag should be displayed only when the strict flag etiquette rules apply to your situation. The use of the Australian Flag is heavily regulated and all true Aussies will take offense if it is displayed incorrectly. The correct use of the flag is as follows:

  • The flag should only be displayed on occasions of national significance, such as ANZAC Day, a barbeque, a One Day Test, while walking through Cronulla etc.
  • Unless you feel like it.
  • The flag should never be displayed next to the flag of another country.
  • The flag should only be flown at half-mast when a celebrity dies.
  • Even if the celebrity came from New Zealand.
  • The flag should be displayed only in the back windows of a ute. Many Australians, such as Parliament, ignore this restriction.

edit Hate Your Leaders

Repeat this phrase: All Politicians Is Bastards. Repeat as necessary.

On no account should a true Australian vote at an election. Even though you have to. If you must vote, register your contempt by writing "Fuck Off" on the ballot paper and throwing it at the polling official.[3]

edit Sporting Etiquette

  • It is the height of bad form to even acknowledge the presence of the other team, but if you must then it is general practice to accuse them of cheating especially if they win! However, In some circumstances, rioting and beating up the other team may be considered poor form (unless they won of course).


edit Footnotes

  1. Australian Department of Immigration and Citizenship
  2. Wearing these gives an almost 100% guarentee of being able to tame wild horses, battle crocodiles with your bare hands, shave with a chainsaw and scare off "fuurrinas"
  3. To this day "Fuck Off" has served the most terms as Prime Minister, followed by "Screw Voting" and "Who Gives A Flying Shit" and "You Can't Make Me Vote, If I'm Dead.
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