HowTo:Be A Retard Online
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
| HowTo |
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
edit What Being a Retard Online Can Do For You
Being a retard online will bring you riches beyond your wildest dreams, hot girls and above all - attention: you crave attention, you absorb it like a wet sponge.. ah yes, you may very suffer from ADHD but it doesn't matter: no my friend, because by being a retard online you can get all the attention you need for a small fee - just follow this link to get more info .
edit poor literacy is kool
if you want to be a retard you must learn to spell like one, remember kids - poor literacy is cool! first of all we must take a lesson from the Image comics of old and remember that everything must be EXTREME! - note how we must yell EXTREME! or write it in full capitals, this empathises our commitment to being retarded. Also, a use of hyperpunctuation is recomended, for example, instead of NO U! write NO U!!!!11!!111!1!!11!!11! Note the uses of 1's adds the effect of retardedness, as it looks like you cant even use a keyboard properly, without bursting into some kind of spastic fit. Now enough of that foolishness, once you have learnt that everything must be EXTREME! you must move on to the art-form of butchering the English language until it is nothing but a bunch of garbage: to do this you need to practice hard at being a retard and misspell as many words as you can, even simply words like "you" and "I" must be warped - we suggest using "U" or "joO" - note that phrases such as "yoou" or "ebil" are a little too advanced for you at this stage but with practice you can master these more advanced moves. If you would like more information on how to master the art of poor literacy please visit any local school or better yet take a look at our free website - 
edit Pratice your 1337 skillz
In order to practice your L33T Skillz, try going on a multiplayer FPS game, such as Team Fortress 2. Of course, being the retard that you are, you will fail epicly. (Epicily. What the hell?) and have a kill to death ratio of 1:9000.1. In spite of this, pretend you are good by making up pathetic excuses, such as 'This C0mput3r SUX!'
edit Learn To Be Offensive
to be a retard online you must become one with the Force and master the ancient art of offence - in short you should always make a point of being an asshole to everyone, because its a well-known fact internet tough-guys get lots of friends and free sex. If you want to get serious on being offensive be sure to brush up on your knowledge of "yo momma" jokes and "yo so ugly" quotes - these could mean the difference between sounding like a true retard or actually being witty, if you find yourself in danger of actually being witty or somewhat humorous in your attempts at being a retard simply say something about Chuck Norris, Mr T or Rick Astley and you will become instant-retard.
edit Trolling For Dummies
1. Find idiot 2. Make idiot mad 3. Idiot says insult 4. You say "no you!" 5. ?????????????? 6. RECESSION
edit Spamming 101
contrary to common thought spamming is a delicate and time-consuming lifestyle, if you wish to go down this path of retardness please be aware that you may not be prepared for the massive amount of brainpower required for such a complex task - however if you want to attempt this tricky feat here is the know-how. First you must spam a lot, by which we mean you must spam until you can spam no more - spam until you bleed - spam like crazy - spam random, nonsensical garbage - spam until you get people saying "stop spamming" - spam until your IP is banned and you can spam no more -
edit CAP LOCKS
IT IS YOUR FRIEND
press these magic buttons on your keyboard now and you will have completed the course of being a retard online - and are now free to bask in the glory this achievement shall earn you with your friends.