HowTo:Be A Man
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Well, hello! I hope you're ready for some spring cleaning... of the spirit! This article was written by me, who you will refer to as "SIR". It's taken from the introduction of my book, The Encyclopedia of Machete Battles, and it will teach you how to be a proper Manly Man. This means you'll be learning how to do pushups, how to do laps, and how to push down your disturbing thoughts concerning other men!
I know why you came to this "webpage" on the "internets"! You want to know how to be a man, correct? Well first of all, there are a few things you should know about me that made me a man...
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edit YES, SIR?
You're wondering how I got this hideous scar, right? Well, let me tell you the story, and hopefully some of it's manly-ness will rub off on you (in a non-sexual way, of course).
edit At First
When I was only 5, I got my first tattoo: two dragons being intimate on my chest. I was abandoned on the mean streets of Milwaukee (home of the beer goggle) by my two or so parents at the age of 4. I'm so manly that both my parents were, in fact, dudes. I'm not sure what that means, but it's gotta be manly. Okay, they didn't really abandon me, but I did leave them, in order to follow their example. Complicated enough for you? Not if you're a real man.
edit Teenage Years
I skipped my teenage years and went straight to manliness, joining the Navy Seals at age 12. Of course, I wasn't always an officer. I had to work as a lookout deep in the jungles of Mozambique before I became an officer. Those weeks were the worst years of my life.
edit All The Other Years
These are the years when I lost my left eye and my left leg... and my left arm... I'm not going to say much, but it involves a congruent quote, a complaining sweet and sour chicken, and a cute horse. I then had to retire (BASTARDS!!!) from the military life, and settled down to write this Encyclopedia of Manliness, if you will. Now I live in the outskirts of New Jersey with my pumas, black bear, and my three whales. Now I just write books based on my manliness. Now what about you, you scrawny bastard?
edit Crazy Rant About How Little Of A Man You Are
I notice you've got a unicorn binder here? And what's with the pink shirt? Are you a homo? Or some kind of magical unicorn? Unicorns don't exist, DUMBASS!! Do you want me to take you to the petting zoo?!? Do you wanna feed the ponies?? Do you wanna feed the elephants 'n' so forth??!? I hope you grow out of it!! Do you still live with yer mamma? Do you still suckle on her tits like a wee little baby? Do you still sit at home and watch yer damn cartoons?? YOU MAKE ME SICK, AND I'VE SLEPT INSIDE BANTAS ON THE ICE MOON OF HOTH!!! IN MY DAY, IF SOMEONE ACTED LIKE THIS, THE SPANKING YOU WOULD RECEIVE WOULD STILL STING WHEN YOU'RE BLOWN OUT THE AIRLOCK!!!! I SAW YOUR DIARY, OKAY! I KNOW THAT YOU LIKE BEANIE BABIES!! I BET YOU WOULD LIKE TO DATE ME, WOULDN'T YOU?? WOULDN'T YOU?? WELL YOU CAN'T, WIMPY!! ONLY THE MANLIEST OF MEN CAN DATE ME!! EVEN THOUGH I WOULDN'T ALLOW IT 'CUZ I AIN'T A GAYBO!! I'M THE OPPOSITE OF A GAYBO!! I'M STRAIGHT, OKAY?!? ISWEARIMSTRAIGHTDADDYPLEASEDONTHITME...
edit Why Should I Want To Be A Man, SIR?
I expected a GIRL to ask this question, but you? Yes, I expected you to ask this question, But it's manly to be stupid, so I'll let it slide this time if you give me 1,000 pushups on your knuckles... blindfolded, with a spiked dildo in your mouth... Uh, forget that last part.
- You'll get all the ladies.
- Nobody will make fun of you.
- Nobody will ever make fun of you again.
- You'll have a bunch of stories to tell yer grandkiddies.
- You'll have a reason for punching out yer grandkiddies.
- You'll have my respect.
- You'll have your respect.
- You'll have respect.
edit How Do I Become A Man, SIR?
Whoa, excuse me. That was a little bit crazy. Well, you have to expect that from men who've been through as much as I have. Now, you can't become a man overnight like I have: yer gonna have to work at it. The following are the 7, or whatever, most manliest things of all manhood that you're going to have to accomplish if you want to be a man. Most of these items are absolutely required, but all of the items are extremely manly.
edit Live Somewhere Manly
The world is full of manly places to have a cave, or to live under a bridge in. There are some questions you should ask yourself before you decide to live there.
- Is it extremely cold? If yes, then the place is supermanly. You can sleep on icebergs for warmth, and wrestle polar bears for territory. You'll live with the penguins and eat ice. After the first year, you are guaranteed to be 140% more manly.
- Greenland Pretty damn cold, but nobody would guess, cuz it has a pansy name. Don't live here.
- North Pole Oh! Are you there to see Santa? You make me sick, Mr. Weak-Pansy-Loserface.
- Siberia Yeah, that would work. It has an awesome name: Si-beria... si-Beria...
- Antarctica Yes. This is the coldest damn place in the whole god damn world. It will butt rape your spirit until you'll have no other option but to be a man.
- Boston Maybe a stretch too far ...
- Is it extremely hot? If yes, then the place is pretty damn manly. You'll wrestle giant scorpions for territory. You'll eat sand to keep cool. You'll share your cave with a bunch of lions and bears and snakes, who you will have to wrestle into unconsciousness before you can rest. You'll have to face sandstorms and sand-ninjas every afternoon. This could possibly be the most manly thing ever.
- Darfur The best option, cuz it's hot AND genocide-y.
- Sahara If you just want to convince your friends that you lived somewhere hot, live here.
- Is there a genocide going on? If yes, then the place is definitely manly. In fact, it's incredibly manly, especially if you join in on the fun.
- Mozambique A really fun place, with lots of dismemberment. Just look at the flag! The FLAG is better than you.
- Darfur Combines hot with horrible, making "hotorrible", which is the manliest word I can think of right now.
- Eastern Europe Not as manly as Africa, but still full of guns and lazers and shit.
edit Join The Republican Party
There are few parties that are as manly as the Republican one. It has a history of being manly, the most manliest of which is the Vietnam War, which lasted nigh 500 long, hard years, which resulted in 200 million deaths: 50% of which were by machete, and 25% of which were by Kung Fu. The Republicans are known for their deaths, and the way in which they execute them. All the other parties are, frankly, soft wet pussies. Soft wet pussies, ready to... well, you get the point. There are a few things that all Republicans have in common:
- All Republicans have spent at least 1 week camping: Now, that may not seem like much right now, but they sure as hell can camp. And that'll come in handy when you're being chased by the enemy.
- All Republicans enjoy fighting: And not just with other people, they enjoy fighting with themselves. And talking to themselves, which is the most important, and which is the next step to manliness, by the way.
- All Republicans are men: They don't allow women in the party, as far as I know. I'm so manly, I don't even know what a woman is.
- All Republicans are proud Americans: They don't allow Anti Americans in their club. Least of all, the damn dirty Mexicans.
edit Get A Mental Disorder
Let me get one thing out of the way: Only pussies don't have a mental disorder, and I mean that in the most sexist way possible. I have a mental disorder, and I'm the manliest man that I know! Think about what that could do for your love life! Remember when you get a mental disorder to not get therapy, or else you'll lose it. I've compiled a list of the manliest mental disorders and how to get them:
- Hearing Voices: guys with a little time on their hands might get a kick out of this one. Most of the time, the voices are so loud that the guy becomes a man. But only if the voices are telling him that he's worthless and to give them 20 pushups. If the voices are telling him that he's okay and to lay back and watch Spongebob all day, it's better to just get rid of 'em. I think you get hearingvoices-itis from bein' messed up in THE WAR.
- Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: guys who are angry and violent will love this one (but in a straight way). You have to be tortured first, but then it's smooth sailing. I think you get PTSD from bein' messed up in THE WAR.
- Child Abuse Victim: I have a message for all you folks who were beaten up by your dads when you were little: GET OVER YOURSELVES AND WALK IT OFF. If you can't handle your dad when you're young, how can you handle him when yer older and you want him to get off yer back? Answer: ya can't! He'll be asking you to take care of him till he's 45! However, there are some manly kinds of abuse that you can inflict on your own kids to prove your manliness:
edit Purchase A Big or Fast Car
It's easy to figure out what a good car is or has. You just have to follow the rules of the road, so to speak.
- High Off The Ground: The higher off the ground it is, the larger your self respect. Don't listen to people who say that you are compensating for your childhood abuse and your voices (unless it's actually your voices saying it).
- Long Hood: Make sure to get the longest hood available. It looks cool.
- Red or Black (both would be better): The color scheme is important too, but in a straight way.
- Mudflaps: Make sure you have mudflaps. You know, the ones with Yosemite Sam or the outline of the nekkid lady on 'em.
- Ugly: The car has to be built for speed and usefulness, otherwise it's fashionable, and you don't want that.
- Driving: Make sure you know how to drive. And I don't mean drive like how a woman drives, I mean like how a man drives. Unfortunately, I don't have that information. I don't know why.
edit Purchase A Few Firearms
“You know what they say about men with big guns, right?”
“I don't know, just please don't hurt me!”
Even though only your hunting buddies will see your gun, you still have to own one. It's a representation of how you are as a man. There are a few rules you should know before you just go purchasing guns:
- There are no rules: You can shoot guns any time, any where, so long as you are in the South or the Bible Belt. Machine guns aren't just for shooting deer anymore!
- Bigger is Better: You can get more respect by having a bigger gun. Make sure the barrel is... well, you get the idea.
- Illegal is Better: You can get more respect by having an illegal gun. Make sure that it isn't registered and that it is really, really automatic.
- Purchase as many guns as you can: Purchase even more than you can. Have so many guns lying around that you can't eat cuz you spent all your money on ammo. Have so many guns lying around that you can't sleep anyplace. Have so many guns around that you frighten your neighbors. Have so many guns that you get weird looks. Just do it!!!
edit Become Emotionless
When picking emotions to become emotionless on, you don't really have to be careful. There are some emotions, however, that you should get rid of as soon as possible.
- Pity: Pity has held humans back for long, long time. There's no telling how long it will hold us back in the future. Whenever we pity someone, we waste time, because anybody worth pitying is going to Hell. Do you wanna join 'em? Well, you do if yer not a man.
- Love: Love has never been useful. If we got rid of love, mankind would be either exactly the same or better off without it.
- Happiness: Men aren't supposed to be happy. We're supposed to spend 8 hours a day bringing home the bacon.
The best part is that just about any emotion can be channeled into anger. The use of tools and language may be what makes us human, but anger is what makes a human a man. Trust your anger. Let it flow out of you and it will bring you power, confidence, and perhaps the single-most important key to manhood, getting the living shit beat out of you on a regular basis. Because you deserve it. You miserable excuse for human garbage.
edit Get Facial Hair, Eye Patch
Facial hair on a man is like legs on a woman: they're how you identify the sex of the thing you're looking at. Well, I guess some people who aren't women have legs, but they weren't messed up in THE WAR, and therefore aren't men. You have to have a long, luxurious beard like that guy in Kill Bill, and you have to stroke it thoughtfully every time somebody talks. Hopefully, along with your facial hair you have beady little eyes so that you can totally mind rape the people you're talking to. At the very least, in order to become a Real Man, you must have a moustache. After all, a man without a moustache is like a woman with one.
Exercise is a funny, mystical thing. Good exercise has a few things to it:
- Exercise is only bad if it doesn't hurt: Exercise has to hurt real, real bad. It has to add a few more white hairs to your head when your done. It has to be so intense that you start seeing things. It has to burn like crotch rot all over your body. It has to last for days and days, in the blistering heat of the jungle.
- Exercise is a lonely thing: You can't exercise with your friends, if you have any (BTW, that flag at the top of the page has more friends than you). You have to be alone, doing pullups in an abandoned warehouse until 2 in the morning.
- Exercise is annoying: You have to exercise compulsively, hopefully to get rid of the voices in your head (unless they're telling you to exercise more). You have to exercise at random, in front of friends and relatives. It has to be an obsession.
edit Join The Military
The last step to being a man is to join the Military. If you're semi-retarded the Army would be your best choice, if you're mental unstable you'll want the Marine Corps, if you're a fattie who likes bragging about being in the 'Military' the Air Force is for you, and if you're a closeted homosexual trying to butch up, the Navy is recruiting. Also, if you can not get into the real military there are plenty of paramilitary organizations which will gladly have your fat, retarded ass. Also there's the Air Force. Remember, it's not a cult, it's a cult with guns. If you join a military group, make sure it's fairly manly. There are lots of reasons to join:
- Dying: You get to die. Not with dignity, necessarily, but with manliness emblazoned in your chest... or your groin, or whatever.
- Job: Guys have to have a job. If I were president, I would make military service not only necessary, but mandatory.
- Shooting: Not only do you get to shoot guns (see above), you get to shoot guns at people who may or may not deserve it!
- Medals: You'll get a lot of medals which can help you get laid. Also they are shiny shiny proof of how much of a man you are. Best part, you don't actually have to do anything most of the time to get them, in fact the greater the distance between you and the enemy (and thus the less the distance between you and the officers) the more medals you'll end up with.
I hope that, as you were reading my list, you also followed it. This page has probably been on your monitor for a while, in that case, but this page has the ability to even make your computer more manly. I salute you, man, and wish you well in all your future endeavors!
edit Further Reading On How To Be A Man
- Knife fights my bestselling encyclopedia.
- The Man
- History of Man
- International Rules Of Manhood
- HowTo:Hold a Handbag Like a Man
- HowTo:Hug another man