| HowTo |
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
| Catgirls, Hentai and furries, Oh my!|
This page contains catgirls, hentai and/or furries and is not safe for human consumption.
If caught reading this page, roll over and play dead.
So you are walking down a lonely dark street deep in the night when, suddenly, you hear a voice call out from a nearby dark alley, "Psst! Over here!" Innocently, you glance over, your freakishly long pinkish coloured hair waving in the air and your ridiculously large girly eyes blinking dubiously at the dark corner. Gingerly stepping closer, you squint your eyes and tug self-consciously at your deliciously small schoolgirl skirt and uniform, and you see it is just some seemingly helpless hobo sitting on the ground.
Naively, you walk over and say, "What's wrong? Wow, you're sexy! Are you hurt?" when suddenly, the hobo asplodes into a massive tentacle monster with nasty green tentacles drooling with slime and mucus. Terrified, you turn around and bolt down the street/corridor while somehow losing your skirt in the process. But the tentacles are too fast and they grab you around your long womanly legs, creamy smooth thighs, lithe voluptuous waist, delicate soft arm, and it tightens around your vulnerable and slender throat, then the monster begins to slowly drag you back despite your terrified moans and futile struggles. "AAAAAAA!!" You scream, "A freakish hobo has grabbed me with slimy paralyzing tentacles! And the tentacles are slowly reaching up my unnecessarily short schoolgirl skirt and touching me in my naughty place! It's tickling me there! It's about to enter! What can I do? What will this horrible monster do to me? I need an adult! I need an adult!"
In other words, How do I avoid tentacle rape?"
History and BackgroundEdit
Tentacle monsters (cumslurpus tentaclis, phylum Mollusca, class Cephalopoda) were once sea creatures, related to the octopus and the squid. (In fact, the octopussy, which is a cousin of the octopus and is named for the eight vaginas within its eight tentacles, is a direct ancestor of the tentacle monster.) Primordial tentacle monsters came out of the seas raping each other and whatever small critters they could get their appendages on, after the Chicxulub meteor impact scrambled their brains 65 million years ago, the dinosaurs having become newly extinct. No, Evolved. Their lust has continued unabated ever since. The tentacle monster's natural habitat is in Honshu, Japan, but monsters were exported to France during the Age of Disillusionment and the Age of Shark-Jumping, under Louis the Gloom King.
Tentacle monsters were first utilized by humanity during the brutal Reign of Cthulhu following the bloody period of the Revolution as a method of cleaning chimneys. Tentacle monsters were employed by Cthulhu-masters during the era to sweep out the ashes in crematories chimneys after the beheaded loyalists were burned. Jacobin commoners also hired the monsters to clean their chimneys as well.
However, on Christmas Eve, 1983, the famous Jacobin Picard family (the forefathers of the future Captain Jean Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise) was having their chimney cleaned by a tentacle monster when suddenly a fat man - Santa Clause - began to slide down the chimney to deliver the presents. However, due to Santa's great girth, he became stuck in the chimney, and the tentacle monster, unsure of what the hell it was feeling, probed in curious confusion. Needless to say, Santa's red snow pants, Barney trousers, and chocolate thong did little to impede the squirming tentacles.
After pulling out a ham sandwich, three elves, a subordinate clause, and this article from Santa's asshole, the tentacle monster finally pushed Santa out through the chimney and onto the roof. Clenching in bitter humiliation and embarrassment, Santa trapped the monster's squirmy appendages in his butt (although other sources claim he clamped his butt because the hentai-izer may have donkey-punched Santa). Throwing himself on his sleigh, Santa commanded his reindeers to fly as far from this land as possible, before daylight could reveal to the French his humiliation. The monster eventually came loose and fell to the island of Japan.
And the rest is history.
Which type of tentacle you're probably going to get raped byEdit
- Common Tentacles: Seemingly endless in length, slimy, and devoid of the suckers which characterize cephalopod-ness, these guys are the most common of the tentacle family. They can be found in a variety of colors, from bright green to whatever color your esophagus was.
- Creative Tentacles: The douche bags of the tentacle family, these ones tend to have some sort of minuscule change that they think makes them above inviting you to their twenty-second birthday party. Bumps, dick-heads, eyes, or any form of political affiliation qualify tentacles for this category.
- Plant Tentacles: The ignored middle-child of the Tentacle family, plant tentacles show vine-like characteristics and perhaps thorns. Rare (except in Japanese herbariums, where it is all but assured), plant tentacle rape usually ends with the digestion of the victim in the monster's digestive bell.
- Shy Tentacles: These tentacles prefer to hide within the womb of its host, until it is tricked out of the vagina with a false dinner call. It may or may not respond to this with a kick to your ovaries.
- Guro: These tentacles prefer their victim to be mutilated so they can create infinite holes from what were your brain and heart.
- Genticals: Genticals are large, disturbing limbs used by the alien "Yevo" to rape the inhabitants of the universe in the totally unpopular, still running series "Scrotumara", in which a seven year old with orange hair is repeatedly attacked by a psycho robot, "Gender", and molested by an evil alienclops, "Aleel". Genticals inject sperm directly into the esophagus through the back of your frickin' neck.
- A real octopus: Chances are, you aren't good enough for a real octopus. They are real drama queens, and will only rape you if you have money or if you can make their previous boyfriends jealous. If you are a victim of actual octopus rape, maybe you shouldn't be swimming in an aquarium wearing that two-piece swimsuit (your ta-ta's were practically hanging out and you know how I like that floral pattern).
- Squidward Tentacles : After emerging from the depths of the ocean he crawled onto the shores of Japan and into the back alleys. Never mention his nose or he will shove it up your you-know-where.
- Pokémon: Although it is not widely known, most Pokémon are tentacle monsters. To determine if the Pokémon is a tentacle monster, look for the following traits:
- things that could possibly be tentacles/feelers
- it is a grass type
- it can use vine whip
- it is tentacle raping you
If any of the above is true, then the Pokémon is also a tentacle monster.
Why you should avoid tentacle rapeEdit
If you’re a normal, healthy, breathing human being, it would be best to avoid tentacle rape. Why? Well, your body may enjoy it, but you are obligated to at least verbally protest having your insides get rearranged by shuffling tentacles. Generally, aftereffects of tentacle rape include the following rather horrible symptoms:
- Enlarging and discoloration of eyes: your eye size will increase anywhere from twenty to forty percent larger than previous, its color and shape may also change to strange pink/green colored Undictionary:Polygons.
- Severe hair discoloration: your hair may change in color and luster; it may also have a tendency to behave in very non-hair-like fashion, such as extremely pixilated movement, chucking together, etc.
- Massive vaginal distortion: you’re always going to be too tight for them.
- Severe constipation/diarrhea: tentacle monsters aren’t afraid to backdoor; this makes certain, normal, activities significantly more difficult. You may also have tentacles coming out of this hole.
- Difficulty in swallowing: You’ve three holes and they need to fill them all. You may also have tentacles coming out of this hole.
- Difficulty in hearing: Scratch that. You have five holes they could fill.
- Difficulty smelling and/or doing cocaine: 7, 7 holes they can fill.
- Difficulty seeing... 9... 9 holes they can fill.
- Difficulty urinating... good grief, 10 holes stuffed full of tentacles...that inflate and then vibrate...
- Breast Deformation... Damn, that makes it 12 tentacles.
- Tentacle entering the navel: That makes 13. 13 holes. Wow.
- Multiple penetration does not always constitute more than one hole. The number is unbounded.
- Forever. ))<>((
- Some monsters rape you as a way of reproduction. After pumping you full of semen, they may eat you. Their offspring will then use you as food until you are nothing but bones. The bones are then regurgitated, and the offspring leave their parent. Tentacle monsters use this method because they are unable to reproduce via conventional methods; this may also explain why many tentacle monsters are able to speak human languages and have some human features.
Avoiding the tentacle rape (for conventional victims)Edit
In short, if you look like a young, attractive, and skinny anime schoolgirl in your schoolgirl uniform alone by yourself in Japan, you can’t. Tentacle monsters will find their way into your vagina faster than you can gasp out in broken Romanized Japanese, “Toomete kudasai! Kono ookikute youma ni hai-tanai yo!” The only young, attractive, and slender anime schoolgirl in uniform that can and have avoided tentacle rape is Aoi Kuraichi. (Well, she always appears equipped with a bloody chain saw, so to say...)
However, this doesn’t mean you can’t futilely try to ward them off – it’ll prolong your suffering but make it much more enjoyable to the reader. Here are a few things to keep in mind when being tentacle raped.
Always be politeEdit
Remember, just because a large tentacle monster is ripping up your vagina and doing everything from tearing out your uterus to impregnating your egg doesn’t give you, a woman, the right to be uppity. The monster hates that.
- Always say please: as in “Please stop!”, “Please! You’re hurting me!”. Remember, you’re a schoolgirl. Which means you’ve been schooled.
- Don’t act uncivilized: everything you do during your rape session must be graceful and elegant – not slobbery, slimy, and dirty.
- Don’t cuss: at least try not to, if you do and the monster does not approve, he’ll shut you up with a tentacle. However, he may do this anyway...
- Don't resist. The experience will be more pleasurable for the both of you if you just lay back and get raped. Face it. You are to be raped. By a frenzied octopus monster.
Always be docileEdit
- Don’t fight back: Attempting to fight and punch will only be futile, conserve your energy for more important things like telling the tentacle monster when you’ll reach orgasm.
- Don’t bite: Don’t even try; it is not possible. After all, if it was, then how come no one in any hentai flicks/books that you watch/read (and you do watch/read it) has ever done it? Surely, it’s impossible and futile.
- Don’t beg for release: They won't release you. This is because these monsters can't understand your meaning, although they can speak your languages. They may take you to another type of "release", however.
- Do be a whore (e.g. "Oh Yes! More!). The readers like it.
- Do ask for more. The readers love it!
Never use your brainEdit
Seriously, just lie back and cry helplessly once you're caught.
- Always wear skirts: they are very comfortable and attractive. Besides, if you wear pants, the tentacle monster will just ruin them by ripping through them. At least this way you save $15 in clothing costs.
- Don’t point out plot holes: If the tentacle monster is intelligent enough to trick you into being hentai-ized, then he must not only have a great comeback for whatever plot-hole you might see, he may also decide to turn your plot hole against you. In example, if a tentacle monster tells you, “Bwahahaha! It’s because you weren’t there to protect your friend that I was able to rape her!” it’s your duty to sink to your knees in teary guilt and wait for the tentacles to grab you, after all, it was your fault! Never reply with, “Well, you’re the one that raped her…” The tentacle monster will only rape you harder. On the other hand, this plot hole could get raped along with you which makes 28, and NOBODY wants that.
- Don’t ask for help, especially from boys. No one can help you, not even if they are like one meter away from you and the beast.
How does it rape you?Edit
- It first drags you to its hiding place, usually a dark alley.
- Then it slowly wraps its tentacles around your legs... getting closer to your "place" every second.
- If you are wearing pants it will then rip right through them.
- When it gets there it will tease you by tickling "it".
- It slowly enters, while smiling to itself.
- Finishes slowly and releases everywhere, not pretty.
On combating tentacle monstersEdit
Before they touch you on your vagina (your instant weakness point), you can attempt to fight the tentacle monster. When doing so, remember to:
- Always strike a pose: striking poses frightens tentacle monsters and in no way gives them the needed time to grab you and rip off your clothes.
- Always name your attacks: that way, you’ll know what attack you’re using (i.e. Moon Crescent Kiss!). This also in no way gives the tentacle monster foreknowledge regarding how to counter your attack.
- High-kick whenever possible (preferably toward the camera): A properly landed high-kick will slightly injure the massive forty foot monster. The kick should be strong enough to send a tear like thing running down the back of the monster's head.
- Use something sharp as a weapon, such as sword and axe. You can try to cut off those tentacles so you have a greater chance of not getting violated.
- Alternatively use a flamethrower. Fire does massive damage to the slimy outer layer of tentacle monsters.
- Talk a lot. Like most men, tentacles hate chatty bitches. They just want to get in your pants, or rip your pants apart.
Avoiding tentacle rape (for the rest of us)Edit
- Get out of Japan: although still existent, tentacle rapes outside of Japan are significantly rarer compared to inside Japan, as what tentacle monsters exist are much more likely to seek informed consent.
- Avoid the Internet: the web is full of rapists…and at least half of them must have tentacles.
- Be fat and ugly: tentacle monsters have fears too, and if you’re ugly enough to scare them shitless, you’re home free, you fatass.
- Be old: tentacle monsters hate old people. Anyone over the age of 40 are considered "old". Also, don't dress like a schoolgirl if you are over 30, this will just repulse the monsters even more and they might kill you.
- The flamethrower is still effective.
- Don't be a girl, especially a pretty one.
- Get your Great Grandma's old make up (try to look like clown)
- Don't go near a strip club (They might hide in your bag full of NEW money)
- Call local authorities if you suspect tentacle monsters in your area. Male police officers are extremely effective against tentacle monsters. Giant tentacle monsters should never be taken on alone. Should you ever encounter a giant tentacle monster, chances are Godzilla will kick its ass.
What to do after tentacle rapeEdit
So it happened. That tentacle monster raped you, impregnated you with his devilish offspring, and left. You're screwed, and can't do anything. However, we have some tips on how you can either make this a better experience, or just pass the time and make it go by faster.
- Relax. All that's going to happen is that your belly will grow, tentacles will pop out of your vagina, and you will give birth to another tentacle monster that could start the cycle over again.
- Rub your belly. Young tentacle monsters love being rubbed while still inside a person, and it increases your chances of laying up to 1,000 tentacle monster eggs.
- Convince it to stay inside you. If it stays inside you, it will not only be protected from the outside world, it also won't be able to tentacle rape anyone else. That is, unless it grows its tentacles out your vagina and uses them to rape someone.
- Become a hentai model. You will be paid to have tentacle monsters stick their tentacles into your pregnant womb, plus when your tentacle monster comes out, the photos taken of its tentacles flopping around out of your vagina will be posted on the internet, and you'll become well paid.
- Do not let it convince you that you are, indeed, Eric Roberts.
- Become a tentacle breeder.
- Start your own hentai company. All you have to do is give birth to the young tentacle monster, and have it impregnate you, give birth to its offspring, have it impregnate you, etc, until you have as many as you want. Then you can hire some of your girlfriends and begin to corner the hentai market with your inbred tentacle monsters.
|Featured HowTo: Article|