HowTo:Avoid changing a diaper
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“I'd love to change it, but I've gone temporarily blind”
If you are male and your woman has just dropped a child, (or if you a gay or lesbian couple, and your partner adopted a child without asking) the first thing you need to learn, and quickly, is how to avoid changing a diaper. It's a tricky tightrope that you have to walk here because you don't want to be accused of not helping, but clearly you don't want to go anywhere near that end of the kid for fear of the "deposit" going anywhere near you.
This is a list of potential ways to avoid changing that diaper.
Upon smelling the reek:
- Announce that you need to go to the bathroom. You'll need to stay in for at least 30 minutes.
- Tell her (or him) that your hands are covered with something sticky that won't wash off, and just for good measure tell them that your hands will stick to the tick's butt.
- Claim that you're about to throw up, and run outside. The further you run, the better!
- State that, for conservation reasons, you want the kid to make the diaper last for two round-trips. Your partner will be, so upset with you that they'll change the diaper, while you can watch The Simpsons, Family Guy, Married with Children, or whatever the h*ll you watch!
- Advise your partner that you have recently been to your doctor who has diagnosed you with a rare allergic condition to kid sh*t which makes you come out in a nasty case of Swine Flu, a rash, or whatever sounds bad enough.
- Claim you changed it last time so it's not your turn. Your partner can't guarantee that you did not change it recently without them knowing. Unless the put up a camera, so if you're partner has extra money, they might've bought one, so that is why I recommend the next one.
- Begin to act disorientated (or crazy) in such a way that it's clear you can't be trusted to hold your child safely.
- Announce that it's not a man's (or woman's) job to change diapers. It's a high risk strategy, but you never know, it might work. Make sure you're wearing a cup before trying this, though. (This will not work if you are a gay or lesbian couple.)
- Explain that you've suddenly gone blind. (Not recommend because your partner might make you blind!)
- Just be honest and state that you can't be bothered.
- Sell the child for clothing money. Preferably before it pooped.
- Be a man and tell that bitch its not your baby and she gets no child support!
- Pay a nappy-changer with her credit card.
- Point out the window a yell at the top of your voice "Oh my God! Zac Efron!" then run out the house towards the nearest pub.
- Pretend that theres an ear piece in your ear. Push your index finger agaisnt the centre of your ear and say "I'm sorry love but I've just been told that theres going to be an attack on the public libary by terrorist! I have to go and I'm sorry I haven't been all up front with you but yes, it's ture, I am a secret agen from Moscow..."
- Grab your chest in a panic then fall on the floor. (This will work the first few times but after a while it becomes predecable)
- Say that you also need to have your underwear changed.
- Dip about roughly 87% of your clothing in petrol and set it on fire. The other person should know just from the flames, death secreams, smoke and petrol cans that you can't change the diaper.
- Mention that you just got that call from HollyWood which you always wanted just before they asked.
- Turn the CD player up to full volume. (What you are listening to also is important, the music must be loud, crazy, insane music which even on low you still can't hear)
- Attempt to swollow and umbrella.
- Join the circus.
