From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
| HowTo |
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
Avoiding pregnancy is often very tricky, but certainly not impossible for just about anyone. So read this guide for a bit of aid. NOTE: This is a guide for men, if you females wish to avoid male pregnancy, invest in Male Birth Hentai Pills.
edit Time Warp Method
- 1: Acquire a time machine.
- 2: Set the Time Dial to August 6, 1945 in Hiroshima, Japan.
- 3: Remove Pants.
- 4: Wait for Nuclear Explosion; this may take a while, depending on the accuracy of your Time Machine.
- 5: Receive Nuclear Radiation. If you are not sterile, repeat as needed.
edit Brute Force Method
- 1: Locate a nearby blunt object, making sure that it is not sharp.
- 2: Grasp object firmly in your dominant hand. It is also suggested, but unnecessary, that you drink multiple shots of vodka before proceeding.
- 3: Locate crotch with your off-hand. It is usually placed in the area between the legs and closest to the abdomen. Now is the last chance to drink.
- 4: Proceed to beat your crotch mercilessly with your selected blunt object.
- 5: Repeat until you are numbed or unconscious. If neither have occurred, try hitting another location on the body.
edit Drunken Friend Method
- 1: Get a friend. You're on your own with this one.
- 2: Find the strongest alcohol you can.
- 3: Feed it all to friend, he/she will devour it happily, or he/she is not your friend.
- 4: Ask for a kick in the nads. He/she will accept, or he/she is not your friend.
- 5: Receive nad-pwnage. Repeat as needed.
edit The Easy Method (i.e. without mutilation of genitals)
This method requires that many things be planned out in advance. Ensure that the location where you are to have intercourse is far from any areas you visit regularly.
- 1: If your partner requests the use of a contraceptive device, attempt to fake applying one. If this fails, she has not consumed enough alcohol. Encourage her to drink, then repeat this step until you are successful.
- 2: Proceed with sexual intercourse. See article on sexual intercourse if you are unfamiliar with how to proceed with this step.
- 3: Ensure that you will awaken before your partner the following morning. If you are not confident in your ability to wake up early, plan ahead and give your partner a double dose of powerful sedative. Alternatively, a blunt object can be used to strike her and render her unconscious, though this is considered illegal in many localities.
- 4: While your partner is in her dormant/unconscious state, take all your possessions and leave. Optionally, take her possessions as well.
- 5: End all contact with that female.
You may have noticed after reading that all these methods may also work on females. Yes, that is true, and in fact it has been done many times. The issue is that females tend to actually want to be humane about babies. You may need to spend WAY more money on alcohol. But this way you can avoid pregnancy with testicular damage. On second thought just slip birth control in her beverages. You already put roofies in her drink. How else were you going to get laid? Am I right?