HowTo:Avoid Buying Things
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What do you do when you walk into a store? you gaze upon all the wonders of food, tools, and biochemical weapons. Well big-whoop. All of the items you see are trying to get you. Why? you might ask. Well its sole purpose is to steal your "Benjamens" and mail them to this Fatass who wrongfully puts himself as "CEO' and makes his day wonderful. Well here's some ways to avoid buying items and becoming a total genius in saving money by "not buying stuff".
Step 1 - Finding food off the land
What you need to do is make a homemade shotgun, here is how!
- Grab a knife and a giant bamboo stick(if you don't have a bamboo stick: Your screwed)
- Shove a knife into the tube of the stick and apply really smooth material
- Then you have to find the nearest toilet and put a hard turd in it.
- Your ready, go to your neighbors house when they are sleeping. Then go to the fridge and put the food into your sack.
- When the neighbor wakes up, grab the bag and knock him out, and run for the window and hope 911 is not called upon!
Good! You ran like a maniac, stole property, and committed assault. Your on way to becoming a complete land dweller.
Step 2 - Getting of the grid
This step might be a woozy. I assure you its easy. Follow these steps....... NOW!
- Take the phone and dial your provider. When the first person picks up scream profanities in their ears and tell them the
other provider is better. This is not a useless step. What you just did is made the operator feel like complete shit and lose a costumer. Your on fire! You just probably just made yourself look like an ass, and lost your way on the internet!
Boy! you must be saying to yourself. How to fuck am I going to get internet now. NO WORRY ASSHOLE! there is hope!
Follow these steps.
- Take these tools. A hat, a mustache, a power extension cord.
- Go to your neighbors house once again(Really how did you expect to avoid buying things. YOU STEAL THINGS!!)
- Now when the neighbor opens the door tell him its a guy selling mushrooms.
- When he gets his credit card(Dumb bastard!) sneak into his house and go to his computer room.
NOTE: If your neighbor has Vista this is were the 9MM is going to come in. Use it to fend off the malicious viruses that vista spurs out its disk drive. Then shoot the damn thing to death. Take no prisoners!
- Then since you killed his computer. Take the extension cord and find the TV. Connect it to the TV and go back home.
- Now you need to find your tablet.(great a "shitbrick")
- Plug the other part of your power cord into the.(It has to be USB or your screwed)
- Now have fun for free TV for about 3 minutes....
Step 3 - The Verdict
Really these are the basic steps you need to get free things and not spend a damn dime on shit! Great isn't it? Well not for long! The cops are probably after you and your fucked so good luck on that!