HowTo:Avoid Being Struck By Lightning
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
| HowTo |
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
“Not Quite as fun as being hit by a meteor”
“Damnit! Lightning always takes all the credit”
“YOU LYING BASTARDS!”
Lightning strikes are dangerous because they cause fried hair and split ends. Also death, pain, frying, exploding as all of your bodily liquids evaporate in an instant with a direct strike (lightning is HOT. Like, 54,000 degrees hot. I'm not making this up), a baconish smell, and death are known side-effects of being struck by lightning. However, once you've been struck once, you are probably safe from further incidents. (Not so with The Guy.)
Lightning Strikes and You
There are many theories on what causes lightning strikes. Common avoidance advice includes wearing a grounding agent such as rubber, not playing golf during storms, and not standing on the roof of your house and holding the weathervein.
However, with the marvels of modern science it has recently been discovered that none of these things actually prevent a lightning strike.
The best course of action is to purchase a gender-appropriate anti-lightning-strike undergarment from E.I. DuPont Industries. E.I. DuPont has been the trusted name in protective undergarments for over 7,000 years. In fact, had Jesus been wearing his anti-crucifixion undergarments that fateful day, none of that nasty stuff in the Mel Gibson movie would have happened.
You can have your very own anti-lightning-strike undergarment for only three (3) easy payments of $79.99 USD ($1,224.99 Canadian).
If you are struck by lightning while wearing your anti-lightning-strike undergarment, simply call us and E.I. DuPont Industries will refund 100% of your purchase price.
Other Tips to Avoid Electricution
- Listen to AC/DC or Dethlok: It is scientifically proven that Lightning is afraid of these bands.
- Submerge Yourself in Water: Lightning cannot swim.
- Quote the British humour of Douglas Adams: Most lightning is American and will find your jokes unfunny and bugger off to bother someone else.
- Look for Higher Ground: Lightning is scared of heights. That's why it's always coming down from the sky.
- Climb a Tree: Trees are the safest place to hide from lightning.
- Stand on Jib: All lightning fears jib and will be absorbed by jib. then,jump off of him to avoid being hit.
- Hide in a gay bar: All lightning is straight and will avoid gayness at all costs.
Run around in circles and flap your arms like a bird. This will help disburse the massive amounts of electricity that are flowing through your body (1.21 jiggawats to be exact). If you are unable to run around in circles and flap your arms like a bird, it is best to lay down, pray to whatever impotent God you choose to worship, reflect on your decision not to wear a gender-appropriate anti-lightning-strike undergarment by E.I. DuPont Industries, and die. Should you manage you survive, it would be best if you joined a cult and worshipped a comet.