HowTo:Attract Metal Chicks
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Soo...you decided that curvy girl with the 38ish-inch hips and the 30ish-inch waist, the perky boobs, the big hair and the round eyes who wears an inverted pentagram necklace (silver with red or black) and who has VERY LOUD MUSIC coming from her headphones is hot, have you? Well, you've come to the right place! However, if you think that this article is how to attract Iron Maiden, you're a bit off-course. The way to do that is to be female, and if you want to attract metal chicks you usually either aren't female, or you aren't the kind of female who would be interested in Iron Maiden ...seeing as how they're all male...
Step One: Is she really metal?
The other dead giveaway is the T-shirt. If it says "METAL AS FUCK" - why, you're in luck! (You didn't know fuck was metal? See, that's why you need this guide!) Another good trick is look at the words on her T-shirt. Remember, you're not rude, you're just curious. Can you read them? Are they indecipherable symbols? If you can read them, try typing them into Uncyclopedia's search box. If an article about the Periodic Table pops up, you're in luck. she's Metal! If you can't read them, try moving in closer for a better look. If she asks, it's not your fault that you're ogling her tits — it's her fault for choosing a T-shirt with a stupid font!
Step Two: Your Hair
Grow it. Think of what you'll save on the bills if you never go to a barber again. Sadly, this does take a while. Come back to this page in three years (or in four if you happen to look like a convict at the moment). Also, girls love MULLETS. If you don't know how to get one, look up the video to Billy Ray Cyrus's "Achy Breaky Heart". Having a mullet will get you in the sack with the girls in a heartbeat.
Step Three: Music
For a good basic grounding in Metal, listen to everything by Black Sabbath, Iron Maiden, Metallica, Pantera and Megadeth. If you want some fashion advice as well, watch This Is Spinal Tap. Next, find out what she likes. To do this, follow her every day and notice the band names on her T-shirts. Remember, Metal chicks dig guys who stalk them while staring at their tits!
Try to look as much like the members of her favourite bands as possible. If she likes Dimmu Borgir, wear corpse paint. If she likes H.I.M., wear a lot of eye makeup. If she likes Poison, give up because that bitch is a lesbian who hasn't realised it yet. You know what I'm saying, or you should do by now.
Step Four: You
Do you play guitar? Do you play drums? Do you sing? How about cow-bell? Triangle? Washboard? If you answered "yes" to any of the above, are you in a band? Is it a metal band? If you answered "no" to any of these questions, attempt to change that answer to "yes" very swiftly. If you are a bassist, you have an extra advantage. See HowTo:Make a Band for information not included here.
First step to starting a band is making a good name. These are not good names. See if you can guess why:
These, on the other hand, are very good names. Unfortunately, they have been taken already. You've never heard of them? Odd...
- Bloody Death
- Bastard Spawn
- Fluffy Bunnies
- The Damned
After you've come up with a suitably Metal name, just tell everyone the name of your "band" and say that all the other members suck. Decent players will beg to be in it with you because of its awesome name.
Your band needs to play the same kind of music as she likes. If she likes Iron Maiden and Iced Earth, give up, because by the time you learn to play your instruments that fast, she will be an old lesbian with boobs so saggy that she can tuck them into her support hosiery. If she likes Candlemass and Black Sabbath, on the other hand, you're in luck, because those guys play about as fast as a zombie in a tank of molasses in the middle of a blizzard. You'll still probably suck, but you should at least be able keep up with 'em!
Step Five: You & her
Use your band as a chat-up line. Try saying, "Hey, my band gives free tickets to all hot chicks. Want one?" Note how this subtly doubles as a compliment. If you're feeling lucky, you might even substitute "smokin' bitches with bangin' tits" for "hot chicks". If you say it with just the right mixture of cockiness and misogyny, she will respect your Metalness. Double points if you say it while making "devil-horn" gestures and doing a tongue-wag.
Before the gig, fire any band members who are hotter than you. Remember, you invented the fucking name, so you have the right to fire anybody you want. Make sure she is the only person in the room, apart from the band and their girlfriends. This will make her feel pity for you. Pro tip: if all the band's girlfriends are hotter than she is, it will lower her self-esteem.
After the gig, go to the bar, stand next to her and say, "I can't believe no one turned up. Thanks, so much. By the way, do we really suck? Be honest."
If she says "yes", you evidently haven't followed steps three and four carefully enough. If she says "no", envelop her in a rough bear hug, tell her she's one honest bitch, and demand sex, right there on the bar. If you're lucky, this will instantly get her horny. Remember, casual sex is a Metal tradition.
Congratulations! You are now going out with a metal chick. Are you def yet?
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