HowTo:Assemble a collection of external anatomy
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
[NOTE]: If any of the following steps are executed by the readers incorrectly, the HowTo section of Uncyclopedia will not be responsible for your death, arrest, injury or any other unfortunate events that befall to you that may or may not have been our original intention
edit Step 1: Choose victim
Think of a supernatural entity, alien, animal, or for more convenience choose a human that preferably lives on earth.
How to find a Supernatural Entity and collect blood samples, toenail clippings, hair strands, belly button fluff and nasal mucus from it
Paranormal activists are in large number, http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Ghoststudy.com is a particularly accurate wikipedia entry of a paranormal activity specialistion website. Ghosts, zombies, and undead creatures are very arrogant towards superior species and increasingly less shy as they are more prompt to entire human civilisation, therefor in order to prevent yourself from being injured you should carry a bag of jellybabies incase neccessary. It has been scientifically proven to be the case that paranormal entities from other dimensions, worlds, and countries will always love jellybabies and instantly enter a peace of mind without further trouble. The only problem you might have is if the entity is lactose intolerant, but this is highly unlikely since the aforementioned is an extremely rare condition, even more so since such other-worldly entities are often resistant to diseases. After convincing the life-form from temporarily disabling physical contact and hostile actions, quickly grab your IPHONE, IPOD or PHONE and use your X-ray app which I presume you have over the victims body in order to locate it's arteries. Of course, ghosts do not have insides since they are merely fragmentations of the body's former persona therefor this method will not work. Contact ghostbusters or paranormal activists for help, and do not explain your intentions to them clearly. Merely say to them that you are one of them, and wish to research ghosts. Not that you want to extract all things that can be extracted other than the innards.
How to find an alien and extract blood samples, toenail clippings, hair strands, belly button fluff and nasal mucus from it
The Bermuda Triangle is a rather far distance away, but is a good place to start while searching for alien life forms. Extra-terrestrial activity is also common in grassy areas of America that are not currently being destroyed by the infamous criminal group known as MAN. After successfuly avoiding the presence of MAN, you will now delve into the excrutiatingly difficult proccess of convincing the alien to kneel down to you as a superior and let you experiment on them. If you are the opposite gender of the alien, assuming the alien even has a gender, flirt with it to the extent it actually falls for you, proceeding to manipulate it in order to retrieve what you initially came here for. [NOTE]: Try not to begin a romantic relationship with alien as this will ruin the extraction of vital ingredients for your stalker collection and potentially ruin your relationship with your fellow human friends after explaining to them you have met alien life.
How to find an animal and extract blood samples, toenail clippings, hair strands, belly button fluff and nasal mucus from it
Go to a local zoo, farm, or neighbour's house (only if they are confirmed to have another species of creature besides homo-sapien) and borrow the animal. If the animal is small, the proccess will be easy. Furry mammals are to first have their hair shaved, then hover your IPHONE, IPOD or PHONE over the animal's body so you can scan for it's arteries. Once located, grab a knife and stab the area of the body, not only will this give you the chance you require to extract quality blood, this will not work if both arteries are not pierced. Use the Japanese torture device toe-nail and toe clipper if you are in possession of one, if not your fingers will suffice, and begin to forcefully remove the toenails/claws. Search the animal's now bloody and skinless exterior for it's bellybutton, now made more obvious by a deep crease (hole) in the underside of their chest. Insert mini plastic shovel and delicately place in glass jar. Look for the animal's nose, and use your finger (gloves optional) to remove all traces of nasal mucus.
All forms of nasal mucus will suffice, but here is a display of the listings of different types of nasal mucus.
Liquid Mucus - Most common, occasionally has yellowish-tint but is usually white and is always transparent. Tastes bland. Common. Bloody Liquid Mucus - The same as the above, only a bloody tint. Less transparent. Doesn't taste too bad. Medium Rare. Stringy Blood Liquid Mucus - Unusually gooey, appearance similar to Bloody Liquid Mucus only red is deeper with hints of black. Tastes exceptionally good, most delicious mucus. Very Rare. Crusty Mucus - Almost always yellow with hints of other colours, flat, sometimes takes other shapes. Third best tasting mucus. Medium Rare Bloody Crusty Mucus - Same as above, only tinted red rather than yellow/white. Second best tasting. Rare. If any other types of mucus that are not listed here you are familiar with, please comment.
How to find a human and extract blood samples, toenail clippings, hair strands, belly button fluff and nasal mucus from it
'Walk to public area > beat nearest man/woman to death with stick > erase evidence > drag body to your place of residence and extract required ingredients.
If you are not willing to murder random strangers, you could try being famous and using one of your cooperative fanatics as victim.
edit Step 2: Extract Ingredients
1. Toenail Clippings (located on tips of foot sausages/toes) requires toe clippers, scissors, knife or Japanese denailing machine. 2. Blood Sample (located inside human fruit layers/skin) requires syringe, scissors, knife or anything sharp. 3. Hair Strands (located on scalp, top of head) requires bare hands, proceed to rip out hair mercilessly. Use laughing gas. 4. Belly Button Fluff (located inside chest hole/belly button) requires index finger, use a clock-wise moving motion to extract efficiently. 4. Nasal Mucus (locates inside nose) requires fingers, use same method as number 4.
edit Step 3: Assemble Collection
Collection can be laid out anywhere on a (FLAT) surface. To make it appear more neat you could try organizing it by color, size, or rarity. Make sure each material is stored in a glass jar or container, for more convenience add a label listing name and date received on it. Symmetry is a necessity for both the OCD and the untidy, organize it to make sure both left and right are perfectly symmetrical, the same goes for the backing wall and the surface it is placed on, and the floor underneath if ingredients are located on table top or furniture above ground.File:Http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--YzVCtd02--/18k2pmooe7zd3jpg.jpg [Picture shows well organized, color coded bellybutton fluff. Attempt to acclaim this level of superior organizational skills by imitating it, but giving the jars and assemblage of objects your own feel to it by adding extra pieces of detail such as stickers, dead insects in gemstones and live insects]
edit Step 4: Start a museum
Make a museum in your own living quarters, make sure pay is expensive and visitors are not allowed to exit room in order to use them for additions to your established collection of blood samples, toenail clippings, hair stands, belly button fluff and nasal mucus.
Tips on not being arrested or robbed Fix burglar alarm on outside and inside and do not use too many online chat-rooms that allow IP access. Do not make friends with police officers.