| HowTo |
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
In 1977, after The War, containment centers funded by The Government were set up all over the world. Disguised as educational containment centers, children were thrown in by the hundreds to each individual center. Schools, as they are called, continue to plague the planet to this day. The ranking system goes as follows from lowest to highest: You, Dirt, Garbage, Thrown away food, gum under tables, amoebas, your lunch lady, school peons (temps), your teacher, yard gaurds (yard duties, lard duties, all the same thing), your principal, and finally, The Receptionist. Teachers will beat you down constantly and abuse their power, and it is your job to fight back (for more information see Kids next door).
Teachers and You
Now as you may or may not know, teachers are evil. They are scum. They use propaganda to brainwash you into thinking they have low paying jobs and hate their job. None of it is true, never trust these creatures, as they will judge you, torment you, and betray you in a flash. For those of you who are new to this information, either change your ways at this moment, or go drink a few shots of milk.
“You're doing a good job.”
For BeginnersFor newbies, or converts, your first step must be to figure out your teacher. You must decide what type of teacher she is, what she likes, and her reactions to everything. I say everything, because, it is a known fact that teachers will dislike anything you do. Anything at all. It enrages them when you do your work because it gives you a safe card for getting yelled at, and they hate it even more when you do your work well because they won't be able to criticize it. You're better off just not doing anything at all, because that gives you more time for more important activities and you finally might be able to relax, confident that some deranged, senile old woman isn't deciding on future tactics for destroying your ambitions and happiness.
I Want To Annoy My Teacher!!
SO, you think you're ready, eh? Here are several methods and a few tips. Note: This is not a full guide, these are just tips to kick off people just discovering that their life has been a lie and the work and steadfast determination they have put out for years has been based on lies and trashed by adults with no souls.
- Number Uno: Speak gibberish (also known as Hindi) or other languages when called on, or just try and talk to classmates in other languages as well. In fact, just try to talk a lot in general. Teachers are idiots who can't get real jobs, and when not, slightly intelligent paranoid psychopaths. Speaking in a way they can't understand would do one of a few things; either their head would asplode, they'd scream their head off at you for being a distraction, or they'd pretend that they never called on you and instead call on one of the strategically placed sheep in the class, who will be explained later.
- Number B: Whenever the need arises, always forget your alphabet.
- Number Pacman: Steal the teachers role call before homeform or class and write 'Pacman' down as a fellow classmate. Bob Geldof, Amanda Huginkiss, I.C. Wiener, Hugh Jazz, Drew Peacock, Michael Scott, and Stalin are also great options.
- Number Ci: Speak gibberish or other languages when called on... woah... deja voo, which reminds me, whenever called on, always forget what you were "going to say". And for others, repeat something someone else said who was obviously wrong, as much as possible. And make a big deal out of answering and getting picked on.
- Number Fore: Spell everything wrong. It may harass your grades, and for the more devoted believers who[m] I know won't do much work, but when you do, give them wrist cramps in having to correct every mistake you "accidentally make". Teachers will jump at the opportunity to show their little intelligence and to correct your errors, so, go ahead, let 'em. This can also help in wasting their ink. [Insert evil professor laugh]
- Number Emo: For one day every week, act nearly fatally offended by every word it speaks. Oh, and constantly accuse the teacher of racism. This method works best on Black History month.
- Number FIDEL CASTRO: Make historical and/or old pop culture references here and there, to such things as the Marx Brothers or Teddy Roosevelt's achievements. This will either confuse them or they might gain respect for you because they will realize you are smarter than them. Abuse this respect. Use it against them. They won't learn.
- Number poopie: Be intolerably immature during conferences or private discussions.
- Number Uhn Tiss: Pretend you're gay in front of them for one day every week. If they say you're gay, tell them you're just "different".
- Number Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis: Pretend you have a terminal disease one day every week. This works best in Health Class.
- Number s.h.e.e.p.: There are moles in your class. They will rat you out, they will blindly obey the teacher, and they will devote unlimited amounts of time to entertaining its every whim. They are pathetic, miserable victims of the fascist system that runs your educational system. Follow tip.
- Number "THREE-FUCKING-THOUSAND": Go up to them with a nice smile on your face and say "Can i have a pencil please" When they reach for it quickly say "No I ment a platypuss...sorry.." Proceed by punching them in the face.
- Number "pencil": Steal something small and simple every day.
- Number Sex Appeal: Try hitting on the teacher and even allude to the fact that you stalk them, there is a 90% chance that this will really confuse and scare them, however there is a 10% chance that you may be raped
- Number George Bush: Sidetrack the class into a discussion about politics or something of the sort during history or science, or any subject for that matter. Make sure the discussions or arguments last for at least 5 minutes.
- Number Math For one day each week, on every math assignment you do, write out in words your answers and problems. This has the hopeful side effect of making their eyeballs roll out of their heads. (For example; All real numbers greater than or equal to four all real numbers to the power of six over nine to the second power. This can either confuse them or just make reading your paper a pain in their saggy rears.)
- Number Jack Bauer: Hire someone to kill them. I've heard that can be annoying sometimes.
- Number leet: For one day each week, write |1K3 7|-|1$.
- Number ???: For one day each week, forget how to count.
- Number Flu: Just don't go to school. Remember, your teacher hates everything you do, and it will annoy her when you simply make open space in your desk.
- Number Interrogative: Question its every movement.
- Number Bergeron: Throw a fork at them. Blame it on "DEREK BERGERON" Then run like hell because you'll probably not do that and get caught....you fucking pussy!
- Number Whose: Avoid the word 'whom' at all costs.
- Number PANTS: Laugh and yell "Haha! I'm not wearing any underpants!!!"
- Number PANTS 2: Wear your pants backwards (preferably fitted pants or jeans)
- Number Americans suck Balls: Laugh when she's turned away.
- Number 29: Come in every morning early, and when she goes out to gather the class or whatever, change the date. But make it unnoticeable, so you can't be singled out. This can be amusing when in the middle of class, she becomes suspicious as to whether it really is February 29th.
- Numbew "sucks to you, you fag" say stuff about blowing stuff up, killing hippies, emo kids, and their dog
- Nah, this ain't a number: One thing that teachers have an extreme weakness for, is sarcasm. As everyone knows, extreme sarcasm is enough to seriously screw with anyone's head, but teachers are vulnerable to even small amounts of it. Irony also works well, as well as proving that everything they say is entirely incorrect, and make it public that their knowledge is at a slightly lower level than a mentally retarded puppy. This will cause them to shut down, and occasionally suffer a CARDIAC ARREST!
- number 300000: tap as loud as possible during classwork or a test. this could annoy your classmates too so do it sparingly.[when your teacher is right by your desk].
- NUmB3r c0d3:As soon as class is settled and quite, yell NUH?! as loud as possible. even if your teacher hears you and tells you to be quite, they have nothing to hold you for seeing that what you just blurted out was and immunity code clearing you of all "school related" crimes.
- Number YES: Every answer is "Ehh I dont know." Be polite not sarcastic.
- Number very loud: Make the loudest noise you can and hope for the best. (Slamming your head on the desk works very well and doesn't hurt if you do it right) Hopefully their ears will bleed.
- Number Matt Brown:Saying peoples first and last names can really piss teachers off so much that their heads implode.
- Number Over 9000: Make your answer for every question (both on paper and when you are called out) "Over 9000!!!!!"
- Number John Craven's Newsround: Shout out random words at random snail, ostrich and jelly work particually well
- Number Standardized Tests: If you have to take a standardized test, you can piss off both your teacher and the so-called "test proctors" by writing "OVER NINE THOUSAND!!" for every math problem, "OMGWTFBBQ" for fill-in-the-blank, and "THE CAKE IS A LIE" over and over on short-response questions. If you're unlucky enough to be stuck with an essay question, write your own version of the lyrics to Never Gonna Give You Up. And if you need to draw a diagram, draw goatse or hentai. Looking at either of these is known to make and adult's brain a splode, unless said adult is fluent in Japanese. Then you need to draw a Hypercube.
- Number GUTSMAN'S ASS: Pretend to be retarted. They'll send you back home.
- Number Sparta!!!:When ever you can in class, yell "THIS IS SPARTA!!"
- Number Crapped :If the teacher says no to your bathroom needs wait a couple minutes and say OMG I think I crapped my pants!!!(if you want to add something zesty make a farting sound before you say it)
- Number deadication: Come to class a few minutes early. Remove your organs (primarily your heart) and place them inside your un-completed homework sheets and place them casually on your teachers desk. Although you will be dead when they arrive, there is now no excuse for not having your Home work done, after all, you put your heart into it.
- Number EVERYONE: WARNING: this will annoy everyone within hearing radius, even students. At every single opportunity yell "I LOST THE GAME!" at the top of your lungs, this gets a class very off topic and will irritate the most cool calm and collected teachers
- Number THE BEST NUMBER JOKE OUT OF ALL OF THESE!: On the last day of school, tell your teacher on the way out that you had the best time of your life and wish that you could have them next year (which you probably will once you drop down a grade cause you're an uneducated dumbass)
- Number Fun: If they give you an F, walk up to their desk and superglue your hands to it, saying that you will not leave until you have an A. (If you want to shock them even more, do it with your penis)
- Number sugar: If your teachers are to simple in those lessons, all you have to do is act to hyper for the teachers to control so they will either spice up the lessons or be forced to enter you into a mental assylum. The second is not prefered.
- 'NUMBER GINGERBREAD MAN: For any presentation or speech, dress in a halloween costume, or any type of outlandish outfit ~ "gingerbread man costume works well"