FANDOM


Gorillatrans HowTo 
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos

Here is a list of actions you can take to annoy unwanted roommates or become an unwanted roommate yourself:

  • Eat ALL of your roommate's food in the fridge or off his/her plate and remind them that there are people starving all over the world as you chew with your mouth wide open.
  • Build a shrine devoted to the roommate you want to get rid of. Include pictures taken with telephoto lenses (scratch out the eyes of anyone else appearing in the photo), fingernail clippings, pubic hair fished out of the shower drain, multiple candles, underwear, and manic love poetry written in blood. To get rid of two roommates at the same time, build a shrine to one and claim the other one built it.
  • Vacuum the carpets at 2am (or 8am).
  • Insist that they not use the hand towels in the bathroom -- those are for guests. They must use the roll of paper towels you provide them.
  • Forbid your roommates from leaving wash clothes in the shower, even though you have your own full bathroom and they're sharing one. Wait for your roommates to be in their rooms and then walk past and patrol their shared bathroom for used hand-towels and wash clothes. If you spot either, make grunting noises, stomp your feet, and become hostile. Confront the roommate and demand to know why they keep breaking your rules about their bathroom. Demand that they comply with your rules or you'll call your parents.
  • Instead of taking your garbage out to the curb, leave it by the backdoor and yell at them when they don't take it out to the curb -- after all, you did all the hard work.
  • Get some pets -- preferably two hyperactive cats and a bird. If you can't get a bird, three rats will do.
  • Call the house phone and complain when the other roommates don't pick up. Even though the phone is never for them, they should still pick up because you could have been in an accident and needed to get a hold of them despite the fact that they all have cell phones.
  • Have your insane family come stay with you for the week.
  • Have a tea-cup to regular-cup ratio above 3:1.
  • Hoard the glasses. When your roommate leaves the room, at any time, and if only for a second, take the glass and place it in the dishwasher. If they confront you, tell them you thought it was a dirty, dirty glass and that they can get a new one out of the cupboard -- if they go to get another glass, ask them to start the dishwasher while they're over there.
  • Make the other roommates take their shoes off by the door. The key is to then take all of their shoes and put them in a bin in the bottom of the closet. Do this all the time and only to their shoes. Your shoes are cool enough to stay by the front and back door.
  • Put a sign on the backdoor telling your roommates that they aren't allowed to use it because they never close it all the way and the wind blows the door open and rips off the hinge. Then proceed to use the backdoor and not close it all the way. Become very irate when you return home to find the door off the hinge.
  • Completely over-decorate for the holidays. Make sure to place a really obnoxious decoration on the coffee table so that it clearly blocks view of the television. Also get a bunch of noise makers so that you can't move around the house/apartment without three going off at a time. Bitterly complain when nobody helps you take the decorations down.
  • Make rent due the last Friday of the month at 4pm. Then send out emails the Friday before, the Wednesday before, the Thursday before, and Friday morning. Become outraged when the rent is paid Friday at 3pm.
  • When you decide to turn the AC on, flip the circuit breaker for the roommates who have their fans on.
  • Disconnect the Internet when you think your roommates really need it or when you feel like it. Also institute asinine firewall policies that block them from Messenger or other common services.Or as an alternative, get your own personal laptop and load your roommates' computer with plenty of advertisement-displaying software.
  • Don't allow other roommates to park behind your car even though you have a motorcycle and haven't driven your car in months. When one of them does park behind you, hunt them down, take their key, and go to the hardware store and get a copy of their key made.
  • Spend 10 minutes throwing random things from the fridge and pantry into a crock pot. Let it cook until well into the evening, say 6:30pm. Call your roommates and demand to know why they are not home ready to have supper with you. When they return home later berate them and tell them how ungrateful they are.
  • Don't communicate with your roommates directly. If you need to tell them something, call a designated proxy (preferably your parents) and have them call your roommates. Once mastered, try to maximize the number of proxies.
  • Paint the walls in their room black telling them not to worry, it's only water paint.
  • Put a combination lock on the fridge.
  • Set your alarm clock to go off 1 hour after you leave the house for the day. Make sure the volume is turned up.
  • Get dial-up for your roommates -- keep switching services to take advantage of all the free offers. Pick the lowest speeds possible.
  • Spend 90% of your time at home whistling. Don't go for a tune or anything, just random notes.
  • Stick post-its of reminders all around the house.
  • Throw out all the sweets and salty junk food, including theirs, saying you are on a diet.
  • When someone is in the bathroom, about to take a shower or just using the toilet, knock on the door extremely hard, shout extremely loud saying you gotta pee really bad and basically do everything you can to get them out of there. Do this every time they use the bathroom.
  • Chew with your mouth open. Works really well with super crunchy food such as apples.
  • Drink from the bottles rather than using a glass.
  • Talk. A lot. Talk about things only you would know or care about, like your dream last night, every night.
  • To increase the effect of talking incessantly for hours on end about number, remember not to brush your teeth; the science still isn't in on flossing and we can debate it for days. [Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]
  • Throw your dirty clothes on THEIR bed.
  • Buy a ten thousand dollar car, computer, dress or piece of furniture and claims it's for your career, as you all enjoy rice, with a side of rice, and a topping of rice for breakfast lunch and dinner.
  • Obtain an RJ11-45 cable and connect it from the phone outlet to their Ethernet switch or network card. Call the house phone.
  • Find your way into their bed at night. Remember: people who sleep together stay together.
  • Establish things you have in common -- sleep with his/her girlfriend/boyfriend. If all you can get is an Ex, you might as well go for it.
  • Hire a poltergeist to wreak havoc in their room at 2am on the nights where they have to work the late shift.
  • Hide a remote-controlled stereo in their closet and put Atomik Harmonik's "Turbo Polka", Beat Happening's "Hot Chocolate Boy" or Justin Timberlake's "Sexy Back" on repeat at 4:00 in the morning-- every morning. They're the most obnoxious songs ever.
  • Eat/Give away any and all of their tasty food in the fridge to the needy. That, or play hide the rotting meat and say it has something to do with you becoming a vegan, it being murder and this being for their own good.
  • Make or fake a suicide attempt during exam week or right before their wedding day so you can have irrefutable proof they don't care about you that you can share online with all the friends you claim not to have.
  • Show how smart you are by telling them that their metaphorical expression of how they feel is as semantically nonsensical as colorless green ideas sleeping furiously and a logically vacuous statement regarding the properties of an empty set, all the whiles continuing to tell them how you are raping them at multiplayer and referring to your male friend as being a pussy.
  • If your roommates have the habit of talking like gangsters and playing first person shooters than invite over a crew of some real gangsters over for some gin and juice and stage a drive by shooting from a rival gang.
  • If they prefer playing role playing games or live in the more socially acceptable elaborate fantasy world of organized religion, than invite over your new witch coven for whatever animal sacrifices are legal in your area.
  • Replace their pregnancy tests with replicas that always show positive, than when they go to take a smoke to calm their nerves after getting the news, you pull the old exploding cigarette trick and tell them that smoking isn't good for their health or the baby's.
  • Video tape them arguing over stupid shit and play one of the conversations back at them at max volume in a loop until they annoy themselves.
  • Convert to your room mate's religion and do it way better than they do, get chummy with their congregation so they have nowhere to escape to on the weekend.
  • Crossdress, in their mom's clothing, because she has really good taste, particularly in men.
  • Put a Sock on the door knob every night, preferably the crusty gross one you use when you're out of toilet paper.
  • Be a philosopher and answer everything with, "Why?" or, "What is rent, really? When you think about it, isn't everything rent in a way, so haven't I already paid up this month?"
  • Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of light bulbs.
  • Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. ("Frank Johnson! Oh wow! 894-8302! Holy cow!")
  • Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon..."
  • Hide laxatives in all their food and hoard all the toilet paper, than sell it to them when they need it most.
  • When you first meet, wear a Teletubby outfit and a monk's robe, then ask if he would like to be sacrificed to the One True Messiah.
  • Never flush the toilet.
  • Urinate in the top part of the toilet, so when they flush, urine comes out.
  • Even better, take a crap in the top part of the toilet, so when the flush doesn't work and they investigate the problem, all they find is shit blocking the pipe.
  • Constantly clog the toilet and flush till it fills up with water, then close the lid and tell no one.
  • Turn off the microwave when they're using it and put your own food in, claiming "It'll only be for a minute", then put it on for half an hour.
  • Put a tiny little flag atop mount dirty dishes, or just start washing them with your urine.
  • Hide under their bed or suspended from the ceiling in a boogie man costume.
  • Leave used condoms filled with mayonnaise in public places.
  • Take their food out of the fridge and replace it with wax replicas.
  • If they ever put sticky notes saying "Don't eat" or "Don't drink" on the food and beverages, make sure you eat the immediately then claim you didn't notice the note.
  • Mix all their alcohol together to ensure no matter what they drink that it's maximum projectile vomiting with every bottle; but don't straight out poison their booze like the U.S. government did during prohibition though, leave the killing to the cops.
  • If they have their own soap leave pubic hair on it.
  • Accidentally fill the shampoo bottle with hair dye.
  • Put your underwear in the fridge, and on their food.
  • Constantly wear their good clothes, to house paint and fix diesel engines.
  • Walk around the house naked, covered in grease.
  • Even better, walk around the house naked while the have guests/girlfriends/dates/relatives/grandmas over and loudly complain about a rash you got while wearing their underwear.
  • For lunch, pee in a cup and serve it to them saying its lemonade or apple juice.
  • Hide your collection of pee bottles in their closet, and then accuse them of stealing them from you.
  • Sing off-key to YouTube lyrics videos while your roommate is in the room.
  • Buy a keyboard. Proceed to repeat the same note at max volume and when they ask you to stop, wait 10 seconds and repeat process.
  • Sit and stare at them while they are doing another task, without blinking. If they look over at you, very slowly move your head and gaze in another direction. Go back to staring at them, and repeat as many times as you can before they leave.
  • Never sweep or mop the kitchen or bathroom floor, never dust anything, and never clean the tub. Always leave hair in the bottom of the shower.
  • Mumble to yourself, or selves as is the case of your new split personality with the same name and annoying mannerisms as your roommate; imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
  • Shit in their lunchbox
  • Shit in their lunch
  • Eat their lunch, then give them yours (which unbeknownst to them, you have shit in)
  • Tell them they've put on weight
  • Ask them to tidy their stuff up constantly, if they have no stuff to tidy up, tell them to clean the floor as they certainly use that
  • In the evening, yell loudly at the top of your lungs about everything that went wrong for you that day. Including and especially traffic or any parking difficulties you may have had, or the dumbest thing your least favorite politician or celebrity did lately.
  • The Peter Parker. Just because you actually like your roommates a lot doesn't mean you want them around to be another crime scene for when your many enemies find out who you are and decide to reward you for all your unpaid volunteering in the community with some free bullets. In the incredibly unlikely scenario you have roommates who aren't gamers in this day and age, and they have one of those hobbies that requires getting out of the house and having an actual social life that they would like you to be part of; make sure to never show up to any of their concerts, plays, exhibitions or sports matches to give them the emotional support they must never be allowed to give you for your unspeakable hobby. Don't worry about coming up with an elaborate plan to get them into going somewhere safe far far away from you like Christian Bale Batman's pretend drinking problem, all you have to do is just not be there when they need you most because someone else trapped in a burning building or getting mugged needed your help more. Just come home at odd hours bruised and bleeding all over the apartment and have breakfast with a thousand yard stare from watching one of your professors drown or seeing your best friends dad impale himself as your ears ring from too many gunshots that you claim was from a rock concert, you'll be so weird no one will want to be around you. Remember that when they ask why you've been so distant recently since that bizarre freak accident and never have any time for them. Don't actually tell them the truth, about how you've been saving the lives of strangers with your amazing superpowers that are quite easy to prove the existence of in the laboratory you work at, they will never believe it anyways unless it's on Wikipedia. Do you really expect anyone to believe a medical study using a sample size of just one; comeback when having radioactive spider blood coursing through your veins has been confirmed by a phase 3 clinical study and than we can talk about your problems. Instead of a farfetched truth, make up an unconvincing lie that insults their intelligence and makes you sound lazy or self absorbed, like spelunking. In other words, just be yourself, well half of yourself anyways, the half that they get to know about; lest you end up going to yet another funeral of someone who got to close to you and paid the price for your super heroic shenanigans.

Congratulations! Edit

If you have followed these instructions to the letter, than either your roommate will have voluntarily left in what is perhaps the first tears you've ever seen or heard of them shedding, or they've been committed to an insane asylum. That or you will at least be getting a new roomie as you move into a more affordable prison cell where paying late bills and getting a job won't be an issue.