HowTo:Annoy unwanted roommates
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Here is a list of actions you can take to annoy unwanted roommates or become an unwanted roommate yourself:
- Eat ALL of your roommate's food in the fridge or off his/her plate and tell them their are people starving all over the world as you chew with your mouth wide open.
- Build a shrine devoted to the roommate you want to get rid of. Include pictures taken with telephoto lenses (scratch out the eyes of anyone else appearing in the photo), fingernail clippings, pubic hair fished out of the shower drain, multiple candles, underwear, and manic love poetry written in blood. To get rid of two roommates at the same time, build a shrine to one and claim the other one built it.
- Vacuum the carpets at 2am (or 8am).
- Insist that they not use the hand towels in the bathroom -- those are for guests. They must use the roll of paper towels you provide them.
- Forbid your roommates from leaving wash clothes in the shower, even though you have your own full bathroom and they're sharing one. Wait for your roommates to be in their rooms and then walk past and patrol their shared bathroom for used hand-towels and wash clothes. If you spot either, make grunting noises, stomp your feet, and become hostile. Confront the roommate and demand to know why they keep breaking your rules about their bathroom. Demand that they comply with your rules or you'll call your parents.
- Instead of taking your garbage out to the curb, leave it by the backdoor and yell at them when they don't take it out to the curb -- after all, you did all the hard work.
- Get some pets -- preferably two hyperactive cats and a bird.
- Call the house phone and complain when the other roommates don't pick up. Even though the phone is never for them, they should still pick up because you could have been in an accident and needed to get a hold of them despite the fact that they all have cell phones.
- Have your insane family come stay with you for the week.
- Have a tea-cup to regular-cup ratio above 3:1.
- Hoard the glasses. When your roommate leaves the room, at any time, and if only for a second, take the glass and place it in the dishwasher. If they confront you, tell them you thought it was a dirty, dirty glass and that they can get a new one out of the cupboard -- if they go to get another glass, ask them to start the dishwasher while they're over there.
- Make the other roommates take their shoes off by the door. The key is to then take all of their shoes and put them in a bin in the bottom of the closet. Do this all the time and only to their shoes. Your shoes are cool enough to stay by the front and back door.
- Put a sign on the backdoor telling your roommates that they aren't allowed to use it because they never close it all the way and the wind blows the door open and rips off the hinge. Then proceed to use the backdoor and not close it all the way. Become very irate when you return home to find the door off the hinge.
- Completely over-decorate for the holidays. Make sure to place a really obnoxious decoration on the coffee table so that it clearly blocks view of the television. Also get a bunch of noise makers so that you can't move around the house/apartment without three going off at a time. Bitterly complain when nobody helps you take the decorations down.
- Make rent due the last Friday of the month at 4pm. Then send out emails the Friday before, the Wednesday before, the Thursday before, and Friday morning. Become outraged when the rent is paid Friday at 3pm.
- When you decide to turn the AC on, flip the circuit breaker for the roommates who have their fans on.
- Disconnect the Internet when you think your roommates really need it or when you feel like it. Also institute asinine firewall policies that block them from AIM or other common services.Or as an alternative, get your own personal laptop and load your roommates' computer with plenty of advertisement-displaying software.
- Don't allow other roommates to park behind your car even though you have a motorcycle and haven't driven your car in months. When one of them does park behind you, hunt them down, take their key, and go to the hardware store and get a copy of their key made.
- Spend 10 minutes throwing random things from the fridge and pantry into a crock pot. Let it cook until well into the evening, say 6:30pm. Call your roommates and demand to know why they are not home ready to have supper with you. When they return home later berate them and tell them how ungrateful they are.
- Don't communicate with your roommates directly. If you need to tell them something, call a designated proxy (preferably your parents) and have them call your roommates. Once mastered, try to maximize the number of proxies.
- Paint the walls in their room black telling them not to worry, it's only water paint.
- Put a combination lock on the fridge.
- Set your alarm clock to go off 1 hour after you leave the house for the day. Make sure the volume is turned up.
- Get dial-up for your roommates -- keep switching services to take advantage of all the free offers. Pick the lowest speeds possible.
- Spend 90% of your time at home whistling. Don't go for a tune or anything, just random notes.
- Stick post-its of reminders all around the house.
- When someone is in the bathroom, about to take a shower or just using the toilet, knock on the door extremely hard, shout extremely loud saying you gotta pee really bad and basically do everything you can to get them out of there. Do this every time they use the bathroom.
- Chew with your mouth open. Works really well with super crunchy food such as apples.
- Drink from the bottles rather than using a glass.
- Talk. A lot. Talk about things only you would know or care about, like your dream last night, every night.
- To increase the effect of talking incessantly for hours on end about cod, remember not to brush your teeth; remember the science still isn't in on flossing and we can debate it for days. [Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]
- Throw your dirty clothes on THEIR bed.
- Buy a ten thousand dollar car, computer, dress or piece of furniture and claims it's for your career, as you all enjoy rice, with a side of rice, and a topping of rice for breakfast lunch and dinner.
- Obtain an RJ11-45 cable and connect it from the phone outlet to their Ethernet switch or network card. Call the house phone.
- Find your way into their bed at night. Remember: people who sleep together stay together.
- Establish things you have in common -- sleep with his/her girlfriend/boyfriend. If all you can get is an Ex, you might as well go for it.
- Hire a poltergeist to wreak havoc in their room at 2am on the nights where they have to work the late shift.
- Hide a remote-controlled stereo in their closet and put Beat Happening's "Hot Chocolate Boy" or Justin Timberlake's "Sexy Back" on repeat at 4:00 in the morning-- every morning. They're the most obnoxious songs ever.
- Eat/Give away any and all of their tasty food in the fridge. That, or play hide the rotting meat and say it has something to do with you becoming a vegan.
- Put a Sock on the door knob every night
- Answer everything with, "Why?"
- Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of light bulbs.
- Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. ("Frank Johnson! Oh wow! 894-8302! Holy cow!")
- Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon..."
- Hide laxatives in all their food and hoard all the toilet paper, than sell it to them when they need it most.
- When you first meet, wear a Teletubby outfit and a monk's robe, then ask if he would like to be sacrificed to the One True Messiah.
- Never flush the toilet.
- Urinate in the top part of the toilet, so when they flush, urine comes out.
- Even better, take a crap in the top part of the toilet, so when the flush doesn't work and they investigate the problem, all they find is shit blocking the pipe.
- Constantly clog the toilet and flush till it fills up with water, then close the lid and tell no one.
- Turn off the microwave when they're using it and put your own food in, claiming "It'll only be for a minute", then put it on for half an hour.
- Put a tiny little flag atop mount dirty dishes, or just start washing them with your urine.
- Hide under their bed or suspended from the ceiling in a boogie man costume.
- Leave used condoms filled with mayonnaise in public places.
- Take their food out of the fridge and replace it with wax replicas.
- If they ever put sticky notes saying "Don't eat" or "Don't drink" on the food and beverages, make sure you eat the immediately then claim you didn't notice the note.
- Mix all their alcohol together to ensure no matter what they drink that it's maximum projectile vomiting with every bottle; but don't straight out poison their booze like the U.S. government did during prohibition though, leave the killing to the cops.
- If they have their own soap leave pubic hair on it.
- Accidentally fill the shampoo bottle with hair dye.
- Put your underwear in the fridge, and on their food.
- Constantly wear their good clothes, to house paint and fix diesel engines.
- Walk around the house naked, covered in grease.
- Even better, walk around the house naked while the have guests/girlfriends/dates/relatives/grandmas over and loudly complain about a rash you got while wearing their underwear.
- For lunch, pee in a cup and serve it to them saying its lemonade or apple juice.
- Hide your collection of pee bottles in their closet, and then accuse them of stealing them from you.
- Buy a keyboard. Proceed to repeat the same note at max volume and when they ask you to stop, wait 10 seconds and repeat process.
- Sit and stare at them while they are doing another task, without blinking. If they look over at you, very slowly move your head and gaze in another direction. Go back to staring at them, and repeat as many times as you can before they leave.
- Mumble to yourself, or selves as is the case of your new split personality with the same name and annoying mannerisms as your roommate; imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
If you have followed these instructions to the letter, than either your roommate will have voluntarily left in what is perhaps the first tears you've ever seen or heard of them shedding, or they've been committed to an insane asylum. That or you will at least be getting a new roomie as you move into a more affordable prison cell where paying late bills and getting a job won't be an issue.