HowTo:Irritate People

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No, this has nothing to do with the 1968 John Cleese TV-movie of the same name.

The best way to irritate people is to be Pauly Shore or work at a bank. Being female, a Jehovah's Witness, under the age of ten, or over the age of eighty is also helpful. However, since not all of us can be so lucky, here are some tips to get you started. Over all, keep in mind that you are trying to irritate people, not cause them to explode, so never push too far. A good idea is to make sure that you are very intoxicated before proceeding to irritate someone, because then you will always have the excuse that you were drunk/stoned/ripped from huffing kittens.

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Contents 1 Why Irritate People? 2 Repetitive Behaviours 3 Lying 4 Repetitive Behaviours 5 Irrational Behaviour 6 Repetitive Behaviours 7 Be a Martyr 8 Repetitive Behaviours 9 Be Indecisive 10 Repetitive Behaviours

[edit] Why Irritate People?

Irritating people is both fun and lucrative. Actually, no, it's not lucrative at all, which brings us to our first means of irritation:

[edit] Repetitive Behaviours

For some reason, many people become irritated by an individual who does or says something over and over and over and over and over and over and over again and again and again. These types of repetitive behaviours can be broken down into two types: 1) Physical, and 2) Verbal. Examples of the first type include:

• Vomiting for no apparent reason.
• Poking people.
• Poking people with sharp sticks.
• Poking people with big sharp sticks while vomiting for no apparent reason.
• Follow random people all the way into their house.
• Shaking uncontrollably.
• Moon-walking.
• Staring as if they're the ugliest thing you've ever seen in your life.
• Pointing at them.

Examples of the second type include:

• Shouting random words
• Laughing loud and uncontrollably.
• Crying loud and uncontrollably.
• Making inarticulate noises.
• Nagging.
• Making lots lots lots lots lots of dead links.
• Pretending to have seizures. Arse!
• Send links on absolutely anything and everything to your friends and colleagues. Remember, if you find it interesting, they MUST find it interesting too! Do this often and repeatedly. How else would people come to appreciate your skills in browsing the internet?
• Writing phrases that overuns the browser cccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaassssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssYouStillHadToCheckHowFarItWentDidn'tYa?
• Using the word 'like' like 4 times like for like every like 5 words you say.

(Note some of these examples may be considered as physical attacks too.)

These behaviours are particularly effective if used to hinder someone else's enjoyment. Examples of this might be smacking the back of the head of a person seated in front of you at the movies, or loudly saying "Neener neener neener" or make donkey sound whilst having sex.

[edit] Lying

Lying is only irritating when the liar is obviously telling a falsehood. This way, the person who is being lied to is not only receiving blatantly false information, but also being treated like a complete idiot. Assuming that the person being lied to is not a complete idiot, here are some useful lies to tell:

• "No, dear. Your butt doesn't look big at all".
• "What talented children you have!"

• "It will be ready on Tuesday."
• "I'm not authorized to do that."
• "I have to order the parts from Japan."
• "You don't look a day over 25."
• "Your odor is pleasant and inoffensive."
• "You're the only man/woman/three-toed beaver I've ever loved."
• "Of course I love you as much as your brother/sister/pet."
• "A semi-bluff is also a value bet."

[edit] Repetitive Behaviours

For some reason, many people become irritated by an individual who does or says something over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. These types of repetitive behaviours can be broken down into two types: 1) Physical, and 2) Verbal. Examples of the first type include:

• Vomiting for no apparent reason.
• Poking people.
• Poking people with sharp sticks.
• Poking people with big sharp sticks while vomiting for no apparent reason.
• Follow random people all the way into their house.
• Shaking uncontrollably.
• Moon-walking.
• Pointing at them.
• Staring as if they're the ugliest thing you've ever seen in your life.

Examples of the second type include:

• Shouting random words
• Laughing loud and uncontrollably.
• Crying loud and uncontrollably.
• Making inarticulate noises.
• Nagging.
• Making lots lots lots lots lots of dead links.
• Pretending to have seizures. Arse!
• Send links on absolutely anything and everything to your friends and colleagues. Remember, if you find it interesting, they MUST find it interesting too! Do this often and repeatedly. How else would people come to appreciate your skills in browsing the internet?
• Writing phrases that overuns the browser cccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaassssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssYouStillHadToCheckHowFarItWentDidn'tYa?
• Using the word 'like' like 4 times like for like every like 5 words you say.

(Note some of these examples may be considered as physical attacks too.)

These behaviours are particularly effective if used to hinder someone else's enjoyment. Examples of this might be smacking the back of the head of a person seated in front of you at the movies, or loudly saying "Neener neener neener" or make donkey sound whilst having sex.

[edit] Irrational Behaviour

Making sense really isn't helping when you want to irritate peope. Rather, try to do something new. Unexpected. Completely Nonsensical. Examples! include:

• Stop speaking in the mi
• Call people you don't know and immediately launch into an excited explanation about what you are about to do right now. "Hi, oh, it's you I wanted to call to tell you that I'm doing it you heard right I'm goint to shave the cat the hair really looks ridiculous bye!" Make sure that you don't stop talking (avoid taking a breath) and hang up before they are able to respond.
• Insist on paying with small change. Make sure you are short about 30 cents and then break out a 100-dollar-bill.
• Insist on paying with small change. Make sure you are exactly 1 cent short. Once they finish counting say that you are 100% sure that you had the right amount and ask them to count it again. The more times you manage to convince them to recount it the better.
• If someone makes a suggestion, dismiss it as if it were the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard, than make the same suggestion in a slightly different formulation
• Whenever possible, masticate words into a discussion that really have no place there. Use foreign words in order to beherbergen people better

• Interrupt when people are talking by pointing somewhere and shout "HAVE YOU SEEN THAT???" If they ask what there was to see, give answers like "Oh, there was a car in the cutest red hue. Never seen one like this before."
• Ask people you don't know weird questions. "How would you like to be buried." "What's your opinion on men wearing skirts." "About that Miller fellow, eh? You'd ever thought he'd do it?"
• When you're watching a horror/supposed-to-be-really-scary/thriller movie at the theater, meow in that tiny, high-pitched way siamese cats do in the middle of a really tense part
• Go to a really crowded place and walk up to a person. Punch them square in the nose. Instanly apologise to the person. For greater irritation, make the target Emo or British.
• Abrubtly end every telephone conversation by saying that you are 'out of juice'.
• Upon seeing any law-enforcement personnel or vehicles, yell 'SHIT, IT'S THE LAPD!' and run away or hide. Refer to any figures of authority as the LAPD.

[edit] Repetitive Behaviours

For some reason, many people become irritated by an individual who does or says something over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. These types of repetitive behaviours can be broken down into two types: 1) Physical, and 2) Verbal. Examples of the first type include:

• Vomiting for no apparent reason.
• Poking people.
• Poking people with sharp sticks.
• Poking people with big sharp sticks while vomiting for no apparent reason.
• Follow random people all the way into their house.
• Shaking uncontrollably.
• Moon-walking.
• Staring as if they're the ugliest thing you've ever seen in your life.

Examples of the second type include:

• Shouting random words
• Laughing loud and uncontrollably.
• Crying loud and uncontrollably.
• Making inarticulate noises.
• Nagging.
• Making lots lots lots lots lots of dead links.
• Pretending to have seizures. Arse!
• Say "That's what she said", even if it doesn't make sense.
• Send links on absolutely anything and everything to your friends and colleagues. Remember, if you find it interesting, they MUST find it interesting too! Do this often and repeatedly. How else would people come to appreciate your skills in browsing the internet?
• Writing phrases that overuns the browser cccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaassssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssYouStillHadToCheckHowFarItWentDidn'tYa?
• Using the word 'like' like 4 times like for like every like 5 words you say.

(Note some of these examples may be considered as physical attacks too.)

These behaviours are particularly effective if used to hinder someone else's enjoyment. Examples of this might be smacking the back of the head of a person seated in front of you at the movies, or loudly saying "Neener neener neener" or make donkey sound whilst having sex.

[edit] Be a Martyr

Make people feel sorry for you. This is irritating because nobody likes to be emotionally manipulated. When no one wants to come to your party, tell them it's ok. That you'll just be sitting in your apartment, alone, in the dark, drinking vodka and crying while they go out and have fun. It's also good to develop some sort of persistent, yet thoroughly undiaganosable, disease, so that when people invite you anywhere, you can say, "Oh, I don't know. My cancerous eyebrow's been acting up. But I suppose I must be brave." Allow your lower lip to tremble when you tell them this.

[edit] Repetitive Behaviours

For some reason, many people become irritated by an individual who does or says something over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. These types of repetitive behaviours can be broken down into two types: 1) Physical, and 2) Verbal. Examples of the first type include:

• Vomiting for no apparent reason.
• Poking people.
• Poking people with sharp sticks.
• Poking people with big sharp sticks while vomiting for no apparent reason.
• Follow random people all the way into their house.
• Shaking uncontrollably.
• Moon-walking.
• Staring as if they're the ugliest thing you've ever seen in your life.

Examples of the second type include:

• Shouting random words
• Laughing loud and uncontrollably.
• Crying loud and uncontrollably.
• Making inarticulate noises.
• Nagging.
• Making lots lots lots lots lots of dead links.
• Pretending to have seizures. Arse!
• Send links on absolutely anything and everything to your friends and colleagues. Remember, if you find it interesting, they MUST find it interesting too! Do this often and repeatedly. How else would people come to appreciate your skills in browsing the internet?
• Writing phrases that overuns the browser cccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaassssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssYouStillHadToCheckHowFarItWentDidn'tYa?
• Using the word 'like' like 4 times like for like every like 5 words you say.

(Note some of these examples may be considered as physical attacks too.)

These behaviours are particularly effective if used to hinder someone else's enjoyment. Examples of this might be smacking the back of the head of a person seated in front of you at the movies, or loudly saying "Neener neener neener" or make donkey sound whilst having sex.

[edit] Be Indecisive

It's good to develop a reputation for being outrageously discerning and picky before attempting this maneuver. Then, when a decision needs to be made in a group setting, everyone will turn to you to decide. Stall for as long as you can, saying "um" and "er." When anybody else makes a suggestion, wrinkle up your nose and say , "Well, I guess that would be ok," in a manner which clearly communicates that it isn't. After at least an hour of wasting everyone's time, make a decision, preferably one that makes everyone else miserable. For example, you might say, "I know, let's go see that movie Biodome." When you arrive at the movie theater, change your mind.

[edit] Repetitive Behaviours

For some reason, many people become irritated by an individual who does or says something over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. These types of repetitive behaviours can be broken down into two types: 1) Physical, and 2) Verbal. Examples of the first type include:

• Vomiting for no apparent reason.
• Poking people.
• Poking people with sharp sticks.
• Poking people with big sharp sticks while vomiting for no apparent reason.
• Follow random people all the way into their house.
• Shaking uncontrollably.
• Moon-walking.
• Staring as if they're the ugliest thing you've ever seen in your life.

Examples of the second type include:

• Shouting random words
• Laughing loud and uncontrollably.
• Crying loud and uncontrollably.
• Making inarticulate noises.
• Nagging.
• Making lots lots lots lots lots of dead links.
• Pretending to have seizures. Arse!
• Send links on absolutely anything and everything to your friends and colleagues. Remember, if you find it interesting, they MUST find it interesting too! Do this often and repeatedly. How else would people come to appreciate your skills in browsing the internet?
• Writing phrases that overuns the browser cccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaassssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssYesIt'sDifferentOnTheLastOne.
• Using the word 'like' like 4 times like for like every like 5 words you say.

(Note some of these examples may be considered as physical attacks too.)

These behaviours are particularly effective if used to hinder someone else's enjoyment. Examples of this might be smacking the back of the head of a person seated in front of you at the movies, or loudly saying "Neener neener neener" or make donkey sound whilst having sex.

Remember, irritating people isn't just a hobby, it's a way of life. It means disregarding the discomfort and misery of everyone around you. It means being inappropriate, crass, insensitive, whiny, and self-centered. Once you start down the path of being a truly irritating individual, you cannot go back. You have been warned.