From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“Dad, mom's hot!”
Housewife is a term used to describe a be'in that is used for sexual release and home sanitation. They are very popular in countries like 'merica, Canada, Mexico, Great Britain, Germany, El Salvador, England, Honduras, Panama, The United Kingdom, Columbia, Brazil, Cuba, The Dominican Republic, Russia, Chile, Argentina, The Philippines, Syria, Saudi Arabia, Egypt, South Africa, Australia, the Soviet Union, Afghanistan, China, Mongolia, and any other god fear'in nations on earth.
They are not popular in liberal places like France where their women don't have muchbrains.
Firstly all house wives are women. There duties include cooking, cleaning, Squeez'n out babies, and taking care of the kids. They very often feel guilty about selves because their not out "do'in useful things for the world." They don't have a real job because they don't get paid. Since they stay at home all day and never do anything, they are thought to be lazy, so the only to make up for that is she has to work harder than her superior male counter part.
Despite having an adequate cerebral cortex, house wives are objects, created by the lord Jesus as a mechanism of entertainment for men. When house wives are little girls, and when they are growing up, they are taught nothing about their bodies, so when the time comes "Wink Wink", they have no idea what to do and just trust the man and hope he has both their best interests in mind while he's doing his thing.
edit How to be a good House Wife
- Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.
- Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
- Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
- Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dust-cloth over the tables.
- During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
- Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.
- Be happy to see him.
- Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
- Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
- Don't greet him with complaints and problems.
- Don't complain if he's late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.
- Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
- Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
- Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
- A good wife always knows her place. The kitchen.
- Don't even think about being a feminist, or so help you God, so help you God.
edit How to get a House Wife
So if your a guy and your reading this, you're probably wondering. How do I get a house wife? The answer is simple, and is explained not in a few words, but in the next few paragraphs.
First, lets look at you. A good prerequisite for owning your very own house wife is you should be white, Caucasian, Indo-European, or what ever the hell it's called now when your pale. Anyways yes, it helps if your white. BUT, if your a man of color hope is not lost, you can make up for your deficiencies. First thing you can do is act like a white guy, say your please and thank you's, an' Don' tak ike dis' foo! if your a man of color but you live in an affluent white suburb, you will have not problems pretending to be white.
No matter who you are, it doesn't hurt to have a bank account over flowing with money. In the old days you could inherit money from your family and you would be fine, but now a good bet to bring in the dough is to have a college education, a bachelors degree is sufficient but now the bachelors degree is the new high school degree, so you may what your masters, or PhD just to be safe.
Besides a good education is a great way to gain the respect of families trying to find a nice guy to sell of their daughter to. In-fact college is a great place to find a woman to make a house wife. Many affluent families send their daughters to college, not to get an education, but to find a man, because these families have realized that the best men who would find plenty of money for their daughter are in college, not at some cheap bar beating each other up.
Now that your white, rich, and have that college degree, what kind of woman is good to have as a house wife? Well you usually want an emotionally weak, non-confident, and confused woman. Women like that are much easier to control and are able to be talked into things easier. Since she is already emotionally fragile, you can help her by being there for her, make her feel better; make her trust you, than betray that trust by making her think that she now needs to do special favors for you for what you have done for her. Insist on no birth control and no contraceptives of any kind. If she becomes complacent than tell her she is your only love and she'll pop right back into place. The concept of love is the biggest scam there is, use it for maximum effect! Once you have her pregnant, your set! If she wants to have an abortion make her think that she'll be a murder for it, so now if she leaves you, she'll have no income and a starving kid, she's forced to stay with you, even if your a complete ass!
OK so the whole, make women into your personal slave isn't as cool as it used to be, for one reason FEMINISM. Since the Thelma and Louise women have been joining together in unity because now they want jobs an careers and don't want to be treated as objects. So your asking, "How do we stop these evil Feminists" well we can:
- Call them evil
- Keep them isolated from one another
- Keep them from moving up the corporate latter.
- Join the Republican party
- Chop down the rain forest
- Call them evil doers!
- Slap them on the rear!
The sky is the limit, once the evil feminists go back with Satan, the world can go back to the way it was in the 1950's.
edit Upgrades and Replacements
Remember, you housewife is *upgradeable*. Make her install DD tits for your pleasure. Also, constantly remind her that she is utterly *replaceable*. Smart husbands trade in their housewives for a new model every 20 years. The number 20 is important here, because your housewife's kids will be off to college by then, and around age 40, she'll no longer be all she was. Especially savvy husbands manage to make it through 3 or even 4 housewives, all in their early 20s at time of marriage (marry at ages 25, 45, 65, and 85, the latter unfortunately only possible if you're especially rich or look like Sean Connery). If you are unable to attain a housewife 40 years your junior, make sure to check out immigrants! Sucky sucky good good!