House of Lords
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“It is a pity that being famous isn't quite enough for this lot, unlike the Masons or the Illuminati”
- ~ Oscar Wilde on his attempt to become a member of the House of Lords
“They don't seem to be that productive”
“Has anyone got a light?”
- ~ Guy Fawkes - Nov 5
The House of Lords is the upper chamber of the British Parliament, and one on the many, many impotent vestigial organs of the British government. It is an unelected body consisting of landed gentry, bishops and appointed representatives of Britain's three main political parties who have become too old and reactionary for the House of Commons. Its primary activity is to be totally rearranged by the House of Commons every few years and give the Liberal Democrats something to bitch about. In the United States of America, equivalent of the House of Lords is called the Supreme Court, however, in the UK, the House of Commons has supreme power, while the American constitution vests supreme power in the Supreme Court.
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[edit] Powers
The House of Lords is a totally worthless impotent vestigial organ which is maintained solely for the love of tradition, like the British monarchy, or the Congress and state governments in the American government. Its chief power is the right to delay legislation passed by the House of commons for up to a whole year, unless, of course, if its a spending or tax bill, a bill advocated by the ruling party in the previous election, the Prime Minister convinces the Monarch to appoint more Lords to get a majority in favour a given bill, or in months that contain a vowel. Other powers include the right to wear ridiculous red robes, silly wigs, and receive much better seating than the House of Commons.
[edit] How to be a Lord
- 1. To be a Lord you must first become a bigot.
- 2. You must have right-wing, pro-Conservative tendencies (though I suppose point #1 covers this.) note: since the 1997 reforms, most members are appointed by the government meaning there are now also Irish, Welsh and Scottish Labour Party bigots in the house as well.
- 3. Alternatively, become a bishop. (downside: the hat isn't exactly the vogue this summer unfortunately.)
- 4. Pass the Peerage Really is Awesome Test (PRAT). This initiation procedure involves; A) Kick at least three poor people in the face. B) Then steal whatever cash they have, if they have none take their clothes. C) Give this money to the Labour Party in the form of a loan that will be called in when the newspapers find out. So it's a pretty safe bet to be honest.
- 5. Well actually, if you happen to know what 2+2 is and like free cakes then pop on in, we could do with a fellow like you, also no one under the age of 82 and a half.
- 6. Congratulations, you are now a Lord. Welcome to a lifetime of falling-asleep in the chamber, dribbling, making speeches that sound as though they were written 100 years ago and being called "the defenders of British liberty" by extremely stupid Daily Telegraph leader-writers.
[edit] The Parliament
Your average House of Lords resident is around 4'2 and has large scaly ears. They participate in many strange activities and wear wigs. They are in constant battles with the House of Commons in giant territorial wars. Last year the House of Lords was successful in taking back the men's room after a battle in which Lady Margaret Thatcher ate the ears of Labour MPs, but sadly 9 brave toupees were still lost in the fight (also 30 members).
The fatality rate of the House is quite alarming with only 40% of the members surviving through an average day, and an astonishing 100% dying eventually.
The Lord Chancellor, the House of Lords' answer to the Speaker of the House of Commons, opts not to sit on the glorious gold throne prepared for him and instead sits on the Money Sack, a sack of money collected from every borough of Britain, to symbolise the fact that Parliament sits on the nation's money. The Lords Spacial sit on the Lord Chancellor's right while the Lords Temporal sit on her left. Directly in front of the Lord Chancellor sit the Crossbenchers, where the Spacial and Temporal sides come together to form a unified spacetime.
[edit] Hearing Difficulties
There was much controversy in the house because it was discovered that 80% of members couldn't hear what was going on. Because of this they simply rejected every bill that was passed. Since then, a giant 9000 watt PA system was installed in 2005 to allow the poor old deafies to hear what the hell is going on. This has annoyed the House of commons somewhat considerably however because the oldies have been using it to play their Frank Sinatra records at alarming volumes.
Further problems have developed since the installation of the sound system. Most notably was during a speech by Sir Alfred Pennyweather when, upon noticing the looks of confusion/disinterest in the house, tried his favourite joke: "You wanna hear something really annoying? EEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAYYYYYAAAAAAAA". The sound was so loud that most of the house actually heard the sound and subsequently voted "Not Content".
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