House M.D.

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This page is about the television show House. For other uses, see the House disambiguation page.

"This page is too damn much like wikipedia!" Oscar Wilde

The first season of House on DVD.

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about House M.D..

House MD is a television show currently airing on Fox TV. The show is a medical drama featuring Dr. Gregory House, a cynical and socially inept doctor who is able to diagnose rare diseases while insulting his patients, having sex with hookers, and downing unholy quantities of Vicodin. House gets funky every episode.

[edit] Plot

The plot follows a standard procedural formula, which is to say it's the same damn thing every episode.

Dr. House works at the New Jersey Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital with three other doctors who compose his diagnostic team. Every week, Team House gets a new patient presenting symptoms, and thus a new disease to diagnose. The hospital is only open for an hour every week: Formerly on Tuesdays at 9/8 Central, but recently changed to Mondays at the same time. Though a controversial move, the Hospital CEO, Mr. Leonidas Gingivitis, has assured staff and patients that "THIS IS AN INTELLIGENT AND SMART MOVE, BASED ON RECENT TELEVISION VIEWERSHIP TRENDS AND SPONSHERSHIP CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANCES."

[edit] Standard Diagnostic Procedures

As with any hospital wishing to avoid embarrassing lawsuits and publicity, House covers his flat ass by adhering to standard procedures. For example, a patient comes in with a slight cough and epileptic right foot. Here's the routine:

• take blood samples and test for whooping cough, leukemia, tonsillitus, GERD, African Sleeping sickness, and tapeworms.
• all tests come back negative
• order a lumbar puncture and colonoscopy
• negative
• schedule surgery for amputation of the epileptic foot
• No, Wait! Pigeon droppings on the patient's balcony show evidence of rare and virulent fungus spores.
• Cancel amputation.
• Tell the patient's family that a narcotic dose of Mercuricide will most likely kill the fungus before it kills the patient.
• Right before the patient dies, House pulls the plug on the IV because he realized at the last moment, inspired by an I Love Lucy episode where Ricky had gonnorreah of the throat from sucking so much and prescribes a round of antibiotics.
• Patient develops a nosebleed.
• House injects cotton ball swab to stop the bleeding.
• Patient starts pissing blood.
• House limps off to Cuddy's office and informs her that the patient has kidney disease and orders a kidney biopsy despite Cuddy's condescending expression of derision.
• Kidney biopsy comes up clean.
• House diagnoses with lupus.
• Realises its never lupus.
• Except that one time it was.
• Patient almost dies
• Patient's girlfriend is caught bringing peanut butter sandwiches into the patient's room when no one is looking.
• House orders salmonella test and it comes back positive.
• Patient gets all better and is advised to avoid peanut butter and peanuts in general.
• Patient leaves hospital and discovers later that his insurance company has declared 90% of the tests excessive and unecessary.
• Patient now owes Blue Cross $135,000.00
• Girlfriend is banned from hospital
• Girlfriend gets lonely
• Girlfriend breaks her neck
• Girlfriend's father collapses giving a speech to the Medical College of Medicine
• House orders a round of tests for Narcolepsy, Lou Gerigs disease, and Spina Bifida
• Staff ignores orders because they know the last time House got laid was like...never? and as a result his judgement has become clouded and borderline abusive as a result.
• TV audience can't understand why the rich, intelligent, hot as hell specialist hasn't gotten fucked in 4 years, finally gives up, and watches Two and a half Men instead.

[edit] Teaser, or Setup

In the setup, a random civilian is shown experiencing some sort of symptoms, and then an entirely different civilian collapses right next to him, yelling in excruciating agony. We then zoom into an extreme extreme extreme extreme close-up (EEEECU) of the victim's body and watch as something snaps, corrodes, explodes, or otherwise does something it shouldn't. The same Hitchcockian violin shriek always accompanies this part, describing the victim's inner panic and fear (see: "Holy fucktarts, I'm dying!", track 11, House M.D. OST) and setting the mood for the show to come.

House pops a handful of Vicodin.

Then the theme song plays. Jennifer Morrison gets a river. No one knows why.

[edit] Treatment #1

Dr. House gets the patient, and in his characteristic arrogance, usually thinks he knows the proper diagnosis and treatment for the patient within the first act. House proceeds to ask his team for suggestions, largely so he can make wisecracks to show them just how wrong they are. After a reasonable round of one-off suggestions and hilarious bisexual/racist jokes, they come to some sort of conclusion, often Lupus, Cancer or Wilson's.

House then orders the patient be prescribed the appropriate medicine, and said patient appears to be getting better. But this is only ten minutes into the show, so everyone with half a brain knows that soon the patient will be bleeding out his eyes, seizing, crapping blood, or experiencing kidney failure and then requiring dialysis for the rest of his life.

And that's exactly what happens. Every damn time. House then writes the new symptoms on his whiteboard. Usually by this time he listens to his team's suggestions for treatment. House then sends Foreman to break into the patient's house just to make sure that the patient is telling the truth, and also because Foreman is black.

House pops a handful of Vicodin.

[edit] House's New Theory

Dr. House then receives new evidence from the patient's house and he comes up with an excuse for his failures in act one. Going by his "Everyone lies" theory, House blames his treatment's failure on the patient's failure to disclose a previous condition. Usually they got this condition because they were a liar and/or a hooker, drug addict, in a car accident ten years ago, world traveler, or emo. Surprisingly, House is correct 100% of the time.

House makes his team go and run a bunch of tests to confirm his New Theory. Strangely, their hospital seems to have no lab staff, sonographers, x-ray technicians, MRI operators, phlebotomists, etc. As a result, all of the tests have to be performed by House's staff of MDs. Most likely, the team also has to bathe the patients and change their catheter bags, although that isn't shown in the episode. There was one episode where House inserted his own catheter, but that was at home, so it probably doesn't count.

House pops a handful of Vicodin.

[edit] Treatment #2

Dr. House then bursts into the room where the patient and his family are located, informs them that he is the patient's doctor and that the patient is a cheater/alcoholic/addict/liar and that she/he must now undergo some risky treatment with potentially thousands of side effects.

Naturally, the family doesn't believe that their sweet little MOTHEFUCKER could ever ever ever keep any secrets, so they refuse the treatment. But Dr. House doesn't care. He orders the medicine prescribed against his team's, Cuddy's, the family's, and Hippocrates' wishes.

The treatment is started, but then the patient bleeds out the ass/has a seizure/has a heart attack/almost dies, so they know the diagnosis is wrong and they have to stop the treatment.

House pops a handful of Vicodin.

[edit] House Reprimanded

At this point the dean of medicine, Lisa Cuddy, will invariably show up with a list of grievances and to say something along the lines of, "No! Bad House!" House will reply with some variant of, "Boobs! Ass!" and continue to do whatever the hell he feels like doing. Unable to deny these allegations, Cuddy will send House to the Clinic to remind him that she still has one of his testicles in a lockbox along with pictures of him doing Bjork. She reminds him that she'll make those pictures VERY public if he doesn't do his civic Clinic chores. He does it, albeit reluctantly and not without a few undertone sundry epithets about his boss being the Devil in a Low Cut Blouse.

House pops a handful of Vicodin.

[edit] Clinic Duty

This is usually the turning point of the show. Dr. House derives an epiphany either from a quilt design, an inappropriate fantasy about his boss dressed as a Japanese school girl, a clinic patient, or a page informing him that the Patient-Of-The-Week is dying and there's nothing that can be done. No matter what, House finds something about his current situation analogous to the mystery condition. This allows him to Stare Off Into Space Significantly. He limp-swaggers back to the patient.

House pops a handful of Vicodin.

[edit] Treatment #3

House informs his team about his new diagnosis. One or two of the doctors are usually still skeptical, but they go along with House because they are pushovers, except for Foreman. Also, the oncologist Doctor Wilson has usually shown up to help with the case by this time. This is regardless of whether or not the disease has anything to do with cancer, because he's a slacker trying to sleep with any woman that might be in the area.

House then goes to get permission from the patient's family. By this time they are wary of a third treatment, and when the treatment doesn't make sense to them, they quote to Dr. House some fact that they remember from seventh grade biology about why he can't do the treatment. House then yells, "I'm the goddamn Batman!" And if that doesn't work, he gets Cameron/Thirteen to go and talk (often lie) to the family, which usually convinces them.

Regardless, House is doing the god damn surgery. Period.

House pops a handful of Vicodin.

[edit] It Works

The surgery or medicine works, and the patient wakes up. Usually he will require drugs/dialysis/chemo for the rest of his life. Also, it turns out that whatever it is that matters most to the patient will kill him if he ever does it again. Even if it is helping children. But he lived, so who cares? I'll tell you who, the girlfriend or parent. They may be dumb, but they do remember that House exposed the patient as a mere mortal human. They usually either break up, excommunicate, or disown the patient. That or they yell at House for shattering their illusions about the patient.

Then everything fades into a touching, bittersweet kum-ba-yah melody for a couple of minutes, just to remind you that what has happened is very significant and emotional, and then you realize it's over and you now have to get off your ass and get to work.

House pops a handful of Vicodin.

The end. As the closing credits run, you try to figure out how "Harry has some bad hat". Harry (if that is his real name) has no hat on and it looks like the shark is looking for lunch. You wonder if the producer of the credits popped one too many vicodin? It is however, actually a reference to a line from the movie Jaws. Why a medical show has anything to do with killer sharks is up for debate.

[edit] The Show's Name

The show is named House for several reasons. Reason one is that it is about Doctor House. Reason two is that often, Taub and Thirteen have to break into someone's house in order to find some sort of evidence that was left out of the medical history. Reason three is that the episode usually ends in House's house, with him drinking, popping vicodin, and/or playing his piano and hallucinating.

The 'MD' part of the current title stands for 'Must Die', as in "House Must Die." The death of House is a frequently recurring motif of the show, occuring no less than two times per season.

A popular fan tradition holds that MD actually stands for "Major Dickhead".

But if you think about medicine and doctors you will find out that M.D means "Mister Chips." ...Except "Chips" doesn't start with a D. Damn.

[edit] Characters

The director of House M.D is known to have more money than God himself, which he uses to pay for the nine main characters, and two-dozen secondary characters.

The three doctors who appear in season 4 were chosen after House conducted a several-episode-long Doctor Idol to choose the best diagnosticians.

[edit] Dr. Gregory House

Doctor House is the lead doctor of the department of diagnostic medicine. This is a completely fictional department invented just for this show.

House at his 9001st video game themed birthday

The show usually has some focus on how Dr. House deals with his pathetic excuse for a life. He is always shown to be miserable and in pain both emotional and physical. House takes prescribed Vicodin for his pain which he claims is because of a leg infarction that he sustained five freakin' years ago which leaves his leg in excruciating agony to this day. House also takes Vicodin at the drop of a hat, mostly when he has to go to clinic duty or deal with a patient (or when he has to breathe, eat, sleep, or perform any action whatsoever). He is currently in the loony bin for thinking that he fucked Cuddy, when he actually just popped vicodin all night.

Update: House is no longer in the loony bin. Now he's fooling us all into thinking he'll get better so he can go completely batshit from the clock tower at the end of the season and nobody will expect the Spanish Inquisition. He still hasn't fucked Cuddy (at least not since college), but the writers like to pretend they still have sexual tension to dangle the Huddy fangirls by their thumbs. He is also off the Vicodin, and has moved on to masturbating in front of Wilson, which makes the Hilson fangirls happy.

House spends most of his spare time riding on his motorcycle, playing his piano, playing his guitar, drinking, having sex with hookers, and thinking up new smart-ass things to say to Cuddy, Wilson, and his team the next day. Sometimes, he'll say something sorta nice or blatantly manipulate a situation to make other people feel better so Wilson won't dump his ass again and House can continue masturbating in front of him.

House is a cripple and a doctor so he has the ability to park his car anywhere.

[edit] Dr. Lisa Cuddy

a.k.a. The Wicked Witch, SheDevil, a transexual "cougar". Dean Of Medicine at PPTH, Clinic Addict. Rumor has it the administrator is a stripper at night.

Dr. Cuddy's specialty is endocrinology and her sole purpose is to trick House into fucking her senseless. After five seasons and despite the fact that she's hot, Dr. Cuddy's the only character who hasn't had any sexual activity, excluding House's FAKE sex hallucination. She's practically as miserable as House - we know for a fact the do me pumps and low cut tops she's wearing daily are part of the sexual-dominance-and-frustration-competition also known as "Who's Got Who By The Balls?" between her and House. That said, it's obvious she can't wait to grease his cane or spank his monkey. She only practices medicine on House these days.

It's probably worth noting that House was already a legend while Cuddy was in med school, and that he totally hit that.

[edit] Dr. Wilson

Doctor James Wilson is an oncologist. He is the only person able to tolerate House's physical and verbal canings. Wilson is not part of House's team of three doctors, but he often helps House to find the solution to whatever House managed to screw up. He also winds up solving cases by having random, slashy, and irrelevant conversations that make House suddenly realize the answer and run off to stop the surgery before it kills the patient. Wilson is also Jewish, which lead to the moose on the Jew. While Wilson performs the most amazing sex in the universe, he has relationship problems because the sex is so mindblowing that his partner's head promptly gets hit by a bus. Wilson's M.O. is to find a woman that needs him, then give her what she needs until he starts resenting her. Then he has an affair, eats Chinese with House, then he tells her about the affair, and a few months later they get tired of each other and get a divorce. Wilson ends up sleeping on House's couch, leading to a lot of fanfiction. He then proceeds to find another woman. House, however, seems to think that Wilson has a problem with love; conventional wisdom suggests we blame his cock-blocking eyebrows. Wilson is God, and can thus get House to do absolutely anything he wants. He is also secretly an asshole. So is God.

[edit] Dr. Chase

An Australian doctor whom House hired under "foreigner affirmative action." Even though that doesn't exist, I am pretty sure that's what it is, because he has no freaking talent as a doctor.He's probably just hired because they have to have the pretty boy (and he is damn hot!). He's actually the best diagnostician on House's team despite everything. It seems like nearly all shows do anymore. Anyway, all he is good for is running tests for House and scheduling patients for surgery. He also backs up House's ideas no matter what, to put it simply he is scared of House. Sometimes he also tells Cuddy on House, which sets the whole damn episode back about ten minutes, or a day in New Jersey time.

Since Dr. Chase was fired from House's team in Season 3, he now works as the only surgeon at Princeton Plainsboro. We know this because ever since he started working in Surgery, he has been the only doctor seen performing surgery on patients.

[edit] Dr. Foreman

Gangsta Forman.

Also known as House Lite, Doctor Eric Foreman is a completely jaded ASSHOLE, but supposedly the best damn doctor that House has on his team, although this isn't actually true. Foreman is a neurologist who regularly stands up to House's theories and will stop at nothing to prove House wrong, and thus Foreman is often proven right. House hired Foreman because he had a criminal record. According to House, "People never change," so this means that deep down Foreman is still a gangsta.

[edit] Dr. Cameron

Sexy Cam !

Doctor Cameron is a stupid immunologist whom House hired because of her good looks. She appears to be a character whom the writers added to the show at the last minute to attract more male viewers, and occasionally help come up with the diagnoses. Despite this, she is usually too busy playing the moral high-ground to bother asserting her diagnoses, which often are correct right from the start. She's mainly portrayed as more of a mother figure towards the patients. Many fans were upset that her cleavage didn't appear more often in season four and were estatic when it returned more promenantly in season five.

Cameron has a problem with sick people. She attaches herself to them, and then watches them die. She met a cancer patient before she got the job and married him just before he died. In Season 2, she meets another cancer patient, befriends her, and ends up breaking the news that the woman has Breast Cancer and will die. Cameron is possibly a necrophiliac.

In Season 3, Cameron quit House's team, and left to put band-aids on boo-boos in the ER. She is fucking Dr. Chase, and they are now married.

[edit] The New Team

Since everyone decided to leave House is Season 3, he has chosen a new team consisting of an ugly guy named Taub with a big nose who cheats on his wife; Thirteen, a bisexual slut who is the only person on the planet that would ever want to touch Foreman, and Kutner (the Indian now working for Obama at the White House). Dr. Foreman also returned as Dr. Cuddy's watchdog. The show also featured a cutthroat bitch named Amber who got her kicks from screwing Wilson until House killed her and made it look like an accident.

[edit] House on his team

“Foreman, you're a black guy. I can mock you because I'm a cripple. And that's how it works. Cripple beats Black. Owned.”

~ Gregory House on Foreman

“Chase, you're Australian. I can mock you because I'm a cripple. And that's how it works. Cripple beats foreign. Owned.”

~ Gregory House on Chase

“Cameron, you're a skinny bitch. I can mock you because I'm a cripple. And that's how it works. Cripple beats skinny bitch. Owned.”

~ Gregory House on Cameron

“Wilson, you're some kinda Jew or something. Okay. Whatever.”

~ Gregory House on Wilson

“Kutner, you're a dead guy. I can mock you because I'm a cripple. And that's how it works. Cripple beats Dead. Owned.”

~ Gregory House on Kutner

“Thirteen, you're a lesbian. I can mock you because I'm a cripple. And that's how it works. Cripple beats Lesbian. Owned.”

~ Gregory House on Thriteen

“Taub, you're some kinda hybrid moleman-dwarf or something...Yeaaaa, good luck with that.”

~ Gregory House on Taub

[edit] Ships

Ships (aka relationships) are idolized by the people who obsess over this show. A 'ship' is a desired relationship between two characters on a show. Side effects/symptoms of Shipping include but are not limited to: extreme hyperventilation when a character in the certain ship appears on screen, screaming, fainting, flailing, fangirling, etc.

[edit] Controversy

Dr. House in a press conference.

• House was arrested for class three narcotics, because he was stupid enough to leave an extra large zip-lock bag full of vicodin in the open and then stick a thermometer up a cop's butt.
• Speculation that House suffers from Asperger Syndrome was dismissed when a fellow Doctor diagnosed House as really having the Manipulative Bastard Syndrome (or MBS), which is suffered by most of the living Earthlings and a large segment of the Martian population. Because MBS is an incurable disease and totally terminal within 80-100 years, House's illness automatically entitles him to a lifetime supply of slurpees, unlimited weekend minutes under any Verizon plan, and unending sympathy and forgiveness from people whose lives he has attempted to ruin.
• House suffers a 'lot of pain' due to a failed attempt to grow a third leg in his right thigh (one of his famed medical experiments, some of which won the Nobel Prize for Medicine 120 years running). As a result, House pops Vicodin like a child eating M&Ms (although he also loves M&Ms and pops them like Vicodin pills). This type of drug/chocolate abuse has not been shown on TV since Rush Limbaugh and Bill O'Reilly, although Nancy Grace makes a valiant attempt to come close. House continues to make his rounds at the hospital while under the influence of Vicodin and M&Ms, and either whack people with his cane for shits and giggles or hug small adorable children just to see the smiles on their tiny cute faces, depending on which substance he's abusing at the time. The network executives are fine with this, because they, too, were high when they approved of this show.
• There is a black doctor named Dr. Bling. He brings considerable street cred to the show and constantly wows his white colleagues with his mad street skillz such as dissembling and reassembling the MRI machines into shopping carts and back, with plenty of extra parts to build vending machines and microwaves for the hospital every time.
• House will often cure incurable diseases like obesity, schizophrenia, ALS and, in some cases necrophilia but, due to the all-powerful nature of Mick Jagger's unholy influence on this world, never revo-necrophilia.
• Hugh Laurie was actually born in Russia, but uses a perfect British accent taught to him by the KGB for all public interviews. He flawlessly renders what a Russian thinks a Briton thinks an American sounds like for the show, and has brain washed most Americans into thinking that an American accents contains (a) a lisp (b) over-enunciation of the names of any and all STDs and (c) free hooker jokes precisely every third sentence. In Episode 1x6 "The Socratic Method", House imitates a British doctor when making a phone call, and Laurie cleverly makes that sound like what a Briton believes an American who imitates a Briton would sound like to a Russian.
• Princeton Plainsboro's Dean of Medicine, Doctor Lisa Cuddy, M.D., has breasts. The precise number of her breasts has been constantly disputed within the canon of the show, and has spun vast conspiracy theories and a cult worshiping her many-breasted form (action figures and idols available on FoxTv.com).
• That Dr. House is God. Or is God Dr. House? Do we care? We just like to watch Dr. House pop pills and sexually frustrate Dr. Cuddy.

[edit] Medical Accuracy

House MD's opening sequence, before the "reimagining."

House MD is definitely one of the most accurate medical series currently on TV. Praised for its accuracy by professionals of medicine worldwide, and is currently being taught in place of textbooks in both Harvard and Johns Hopkins med schools. The show even takes in mind the fact that in Princeton, New Jersey, over 90% of all illnesses are caused by blood clots, and a flatline doesn't actually look like a straight line (this has to do with the chemicals in the water and a special genetic defect the population suffers from being in close proximity with the true awesomeness that is House). Some episodes are based on real life cases of rabies, leprosy, black death and dementia outbreaks from the neglected suburban streets of Princeton, and have won several documentary Emmy Awards for their realistic and sensitive portrayal of these disease that have been forgotten by the media due to a vast government conspiracy to convince people that water in New Jersey is safe to drink.

All kinds of doctors from pediatricians to neurologists to surgeons have praised the show's accuracy. "It's just like a real hospital," said Susan Cutler, surgeon. "Patients always come in with extremely rare diseases, never the common ones. For example, on House, and in the hospital I am staffed at, there are thousands of patients coming in with ultra-rare illnesses like meningitis and rabies and the Black Plague. In fact, if it's a common disease, we tell the patients to stop wasting our time and to take care of the problem with plain old home remedies, such as chain saws."

Perhaps, the most medically accurate House episode to date was the episode entitled "6-Year-Old Girl With the Ailments of a 60-Year-Old." After that episode aired, a scandalized nation found out from a tearful public address that President George W. Bush and both of the final 2008 presidential candidates all had this disease when they were little girls, but were afraid of coming out with the truth due to the stigma attached to men having little girl diseases. For the show's brave confrontation of a serious social and medical issue, it was awarded the medal of the Legion of Honor, a cash award originally found by the French government in the wild forests of Versailles that was later stolen by the British and even later than that, captured by the American Founding Fathers at the Battle of Gettysburg. House staff members keep the USD 3.00 award money (adjusted for inflation and after taxes) in a secret fund that they use to hire guest stars of such calibers as Victim #5 on episode 3,498,394 of Law and Order: SVC.

[edit] To be confused with

Some people confuse this show with a programming drama called Mouse HD, in which a 1337 group of data entry personnel is tasked with saving the entire network's hard drives... using only a mouse.

There is also a series of movies by the name of House (1986, jackasses), but when I try to talk about it, write fan fiction about it, etc. people always get it confused with the brooding doctor show. This is House dammit!

[edit] "House" Drinking Game

Dr. House from the show House, that takes place in a House, with flashy light thingies and an infinite supply of LP needles.

Medical students worldwide often watch episodes of House and imbibe drinks according to the following schedule:

• When the opening theme shows, chug a beer. If you finish it before the end of the song, chug another.
• When Lupus (or vasculitis, or sarcoidosis) is first suggested, take a shot of whiskey
• When Lupus (or vasculitis, or sarcoidosis) is ruled out, typically in the very next scene, take another shot of whiskey
• When the Lumbar Puncture is performed, take a shot of vodka, which closely resembles spinal fluid (extra sip if they use the cool acronym "LP", or express doubts about the safety of doing an "LP")
• Every time the patient has a seizure, do a shot of Tequila. Continue doing shots until either the patient's seizure ends or you begin to have one yourself.
• When they break into the patient's house, chug a screw driver, since screw drivers are useful tools for breaking into houses.
• Whenever Chase's idea is mocked, drown his sorrows in whiskey
• If someone asks House if he's a real doctor, do a whiskey.
• Every time House breaks the Hippocratic Oath, take three shots of vodka.
• Every time the patient vomits blood, drink a Bloody Mary, allowing some to dribble out of your mouth as appropriate.
• Every time House makes a joke about Dr. Cuddy's breasts, suckle up to a Bailey's Irish Creme (or Angel's Nipple)
• Whenever Cameron suggests that it's autoimmune, take a shot of whiskey.
• Whenever House tricks a patient, switch someone's drink.
• Whenever House insults a patient about something they can't help (i.e., "Why did you HAVE to make your liver fail on my day off?"), take a shot of J.D.
• Whenever House looks at a horrifying skin burn or mutation, and says "cool", take a shot of tequila w/ice.
• Whenever House listens to a theory, then calls the doctor in question an idiot, take a shot of whiskey.
• Whenever House either writes on the whiteboard, or crosses something off the whiteboard, do a shot of whiskey.
• Whenever Foreman suggests that it's neurological, take a shot of vodka
• Whenever Chase suggests that it's heart-related, take a shot of whatever your last shot was.
• When House has a stare into the distance moment (brainwave), celebrate with a mug of Whiskey.
• If you're still able to MOVE by the end of the show, chug another beer during the end credits.

For expert players only:

• Every time House takes a Vicodin, you take a Vicodin
• Instead of taking a shot of vodka for lumbar punctures, give yourself a "puncture" of heroine, instead.

Most players make it to about scene three before passing out, and no one has ever made it to the end credits without suffering liver failure, seizures, or other medical conditions requiring a lumbar puncture.

[edit] Season 5 Finale

On April 1, 2009 Lisa Cuddy was caught having sex with Renee from 24 by Barack Obama. Obama used it to blackmail Cuddy into killing Kutner so he could use his dead body as Deputy Liason Officer, no one seems to understand why an actor would be qualified for this position. Cuddy broke into Kutner's apartment using techniques Foreman had taught her a few years back. She killed him with her own gun and put a piece of tape on the gun reading "Kutner's Gun" to throw police off (clever bitch got that idea from Amber). House almost caught a wiff of Cuddy's plan, but she dosed his vicodin with milk from her breasts left over from the whore babies she's been secretly having for the past 9 years. This caused House to halucinate crazy shit and nearly kill Chase. She also used this wacked out state for her own personal use, fucking House's brains out all night long. When she was done she was confronted by Wilson, who witnessed the whole thing via cameras he installed in all of House's rooms so he could watch House masturbate and do so himself, you bet he was pissed. Cuddy then revealed her true form, a big and scary monster that looked a lot like the aliens from the original War of the Worlds. She ate Wilson's heart, much like Christina does on Grey's Anatomy, and replaced it with a robotic control system that she used to spy on House at all times. Cuddy thought she had won, until she realized she was late for Kutner's funeral, as well as Cameron's wedding to Chase, so Foreman came to her house to look for her and witnessed her playing with Wilson's heart and licking it. Foreman then ran like a scared bitch, Cuddy tried to chase after him, but, being black, Foreman out-ran her. Foreman then told everyone and they got über mad at Cuddy. She then says, "I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for those meddling kids and their stupid mutt too." Then everyone forgets about it and they dance to Britney Spears's 'Circus'. House then woke up in a nut-house, he was halucinating again . . . .

[edit] Other Stuff About the Show

This is like a trivia section, except it has paragraphs and professional-looking quotations. So it's a Super-trivia section!!!

• It has been been the talk of all the "gossip" news shows that Fox and VH1 are creating a reality show called "Dr. House of Love".

New York, NY.... Viacom/VH1 announces a new TV reality show where they find "love" for Dr. House. You have to pass the brutal screenings of Dr. Cuddy and Wilson. One of your main competitors is 13. Other requirements include: getting "shocked" by Kutner (who is dead, but will make special appearances for this show), scheduled MRI screening and riding on Dr. House's motorcycle. Show details are forthcoming. Please contact Viacom/VH1 (hookers and strippers are welcomed) on how to apply to be on Dr. House of Love.

[edit] Popular Illnesses

Lupus was so spectacular that the show now plans to use Vaculitis as comic relief in the form of clinic patients having this disease at least every other episode. In fact an interview with the cast at the House MD Convention 2008: Tellahasse Tour Redux indicated "Ugly Patient Udder Syndrome" is a very popular disease for patients to have on the show, but true to its name, is limited to only ugly patients. Symptoms vary from patient to patient, with the most common being udder-like boobs (literally like udders in the sense that patients would get four to six nipples with black and white fur, so that they look like milk cows.

“It's ALWAYS Lupus or Cancer; WHY do we even bother with this show?!”

~ House MD on auto-immune disorders

Vasculitis, Latin for "Exploding Eyeball Disease," has only been suffered by one patient on the show so far, but the special effects for the symptom (exploding bloody testicles) show that Vasculitis may replace Lupus as the "It" disease of the show. But there was widespread objection to that proposal due to the fact that a surprising number of people enjoy seeing women with more than two breasts each on national TV and has built major religions in the United States based on this type of breast-obsession (see Buddhism). The show attempted to have a spin-off of the disease called "Exploding Ball Disease," but it was considered too traumatic for male viewers and was reported to have caused seizures in a number of younger male with personality defects. Due to this problem, the episode containing the Exploding Ball Disease is currently banned in 140 countries around the world and classified as Weapon of Mass Destruction by the CIA.

[edit] MRIs

MRIs are incredibly useful tools in the House universe; not only can they be used to cook enitre turkeys for the hospital Thanksgiving/Christmas parties, they can also be used to give staff members temporary superpowers such as laser-vision (one of the surgeons uses this awesome characteristic of MRIs to perform free lasik surgery as a part of the hospital's employee benefits program). Sometimes, as a practical joke on House, Wilson uses an MRI machine to transform himself into a woman hooker so that he could have sex with his best friend. The only person who knows Wilson's secret is Cuddy, but Wilson has blackmailed her into silence by threatening to tell her lesbian lover (mentioned above as Renee from 24) that she used to be a man.

[edit] STDs

In the House universe, everyone humps like bunnies (literally, as most people on the show have abundant body hair and wear bunny ears in the bedroom) and passes around STDs like breath mints. Any halfway attractive patient House treats has some form of STD (ugly people are exempt because they are shunned as totally un-humpable). Thus everyone on the show continuously tries to get as many forms of STDs as possible as social status symbols affirming their respective attractiveness levels. The highest level attained was by Dr. Wilson, when he finally succeeded in seducing a female chimpanzee at the Princeton Zoo and promptly contracted a rare form of African-Nile-Grab-Crotch-Disease which forced him to spend most of his time with his hand on his crotch and which made him absolutely irrisistable to every female within a 50-mile radius, up to and including certain species of cockroach. It was said that much of the tension coming from Wilson and House's friendship also relates to House's secret wish that he shared his friend's STD level and, therefore, sexual attractiveness; this accounts for the fact that House constantly tries to exchage spit and other bodily fluids with his friend 25 hours a day, 8 days a week.