House M.D.
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- This page is about the television show House. For other uses, see the House disambiguation page.
“This page is too damn much like wikipedia!”
~ Oscar Wilde on House
“My sister Olivia is on this show.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Olivia Wilde
House MD is a television show currently airing on Fox TV. The show is a medical drama featuring Dr. Gregory House, a cynical and socially inept doctor who is able to diagnose rare diseases while insulting his patients, having sex with hookers, and downing unholy quantities of Vicodin. House gets funky every episode.
Contents |
[edit] Plot
The plot follows a standard procedural formula, which is to say it's the same damn thing every episode.
Dr. House works at the New Jersey Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital with three other doctors who compose his diagnostic team. Every week, Team House gets a new patient presenting symptoms, and thus a new disease to diagnose. The hospital is only open for an hour every week: Formerly on Tuesdays at 9/8 Central, but recently changed to Mondays at the same time. Though a controversial move, the Hospital CEO, Mr. Leonidas Gingivitis, has assured staff and patients that "THIS IS AN INTELLIGENT AND SMART MOVE, BASED ON RECENT TELEVISION VIEWERSHIP TRENDS AND SPONSHERSHIP CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANCES."
[edit] Standard Diagnostic Procedures
As with any hospital wishing to avoid embarrassing lawsuits and publicity, House covers his flat ass by adhering to standard procedures. For example, a patient comes in with a slight cough and epileptic right foot. Here's the routine:
- take blood samples and test for whooping cough, leukemia, tonsillitus, GERD, African Sleeping sickness, and tapeworms.
- all tests come back negative
- order a lumbar puncture and colonoscopy
- negative
- schedule surgery for amputation of the epileptic foot
- No, Wait! Pigeon droppings on the patient's balcony show evidence of rare and virulent fungus spores.
- Cancel amputation.
- Tell the patient's family that a narcotic dose of Mercuricide will most likely kill the fungus before it kills the patient.
- Right before the patient dies, House pulls the plug on the IV because he realized at the last moment, inspired by an I Love Lucy episode where Ricky had gonnorreah of the throat from sucking so much and prescribes a round of antibiotics.
- Patient develops a nosebleed.
- House injects cotton ball swab to stop the bleeding.
- Patient starts pissing blood.
- House limps off to Cuddy's office and informs her that the patient has kidney disease and orders a kidney biopsy despite Cuddy's condescending expression of derision.
- Kidney biopsy comes up clean.
- House diagnoses with lupus.
- Realises its never lupus.
- Except that one time it was.
- Patient almost dies
- Patient's girlfriend is caught bringing peanut butter sandwiches into the patient's room when no one is looking.
- House orders salmonella test and it comes back positive.
- Patient gets all better and is advised to avoid peanut butter and peanuts in general.
- Patient leaves hospital and discovers later that his insurance company has declared 90% of the tests excessive and unecessary.
- Patient now owes Blue Cross $135,000.00
- Girlfriend is banned from hospital
- Girlfriend gets lonely
- Girlfriend breaks her neck
- Girlfriend's father collapses giving a speech to the Medical College of Medicine
- House orders a round of tests for Narcolepsy, Lou Gerigs disease, and Spina Bifida
- Staff ignores orders because they know the last time House got laid was like...never? and as a result his judgement has become clouded and borderline abusive as a result.
- TV audience can't understand why the rich, intelligent, hot as hell specialist hasn't gotten fucked in 4 years, finally gives up, and watches Two and a half Men instead.
[edit] Teaser, or Setup
In the setup, a random civilian is shown experiencing some sort of symptoms, and then an entirely different civilian collapses right next to him, yelling in excruciating agony. We then zoom into an extreme extreme extreme extreme close-up (EEEECU) of the victim's body and watch as something snaps, corrodes, explodes, or otherwise does something it shouldn't. The same Hitchcockian violin shriek always accompanies this part, describing the victim's inner panic and fear (see: "Holy fucktarts, I'm dying!", track 11, House M.D. OST) and setting the mood for the show to come.
House pops a handful of Vicodin.
Then the theme song plays. Jennifer Morrison gets a river. No one knows why.
[edit] Treatment #1
Dr. House gets the patient, and in his characteristic arrogance, usually thinks he knows the proper diagnosis and treatment for the patient within the first act. House proceeds to ask his team for suggestions, largely so he can make wisecracks to show them just how wrong they are. After a reasonable round of one-off suggestions and hilarious bisexual/racist jokes, they come to some sort of conclusion, often Lupus, Cancer or Wilson's.
House then orders the patient be prescribed the appropriate medicine, and said patient appears to be getting better. But this is only ten minutes into the show, so everyone with half a brain knows that soon the patient will be bleeding out his eyes, seizing, crapping blood, or experiencing kidney failure and then requiring dialysis for the rest of his life.
And that's exactly what happens. Every damn time. House then writes the new symptoms on his whiteboard. Usually by this time he listens to his team's suggestions for treatment. House then sends Foreman to break into the patient's house just to make sure that the patient is telling the truth, and also because Foreman is black.
House pops a handful of Vicodin.
[edit] House's New Theory
Dr. House then receives new evidence from the patient's house and he comes up with an excuse for his failures in act one. Going by his "Everyone lies" theory, House blames his treatment's failure on the patient's failure to disclose a previous condition. Usually they got this condition because they were a liar and/or a hooker, drug addict, in a car accident ten years ago, world traveler, or emo. Surprisingly, House is correct 100% of the time.
House makes his team go and run a bunch of tests to confirm his New Theory. Strangely, their hospital seems to have no lab staff, sonographers, x-ray technicians, MRI operators, phlebotomists, etc. As a result, all of the tests have to be performed by House's staff of MDs. Most likely, the team also has to bathe the patients and change their catheter bags, although that isn't shown in the episode. There was one episode where House inserted his own catheter, but that was at home, so it probably doesn't count.
House pops a handful of Vicodin.
[edit] Treatment #2
Dr. House then bursts into the room where the patient and his family are located, informs them that he is the patient's doctor and that the patient is a cheater/alcoholic/addict/liar and that she/he must now undergo some risky treatment with potentially thousands of side effects.
Naturally, the family doesn't believe that their sweet little MOTHEFUCKER could ever ever ever keep any secrets, so they refuse the treatment. But Dr. House doesn't care. He orders the medicine prescribed against his team's, Cuddy's, the family's, and Hippocrates' wishes.
The treatment is started, but then the patient bleeds out the ass/has a seizure/has a heart attack/almost dies, so they know the diagnosis is wrong and they have to stop the treatment.
House pops a handful of Vicodin.
[edit] House Reprimanded
At this point the dean of medicine, Lisa Cuddy, will invariably show up with a list of grievances and to say something along the lines of, "No! Bad House!" House will reply with some variant of, "Boobs! Ass!" and continue to do whatever the hell he feels like doing. Unable to deny these allegations, Cuddy will send House to the Clinic to remind him that she still has one of his testicles in a lockbox along with pictures of him doing Bjork. She reminds him that she'll make those pictures VERY public if he doesn't do his civic Clinic chores. He does it, albeit reluctantly and not without a few undertone sundry epithets about his boss being the Devil in a Low Cut Blouse.
House pops a handful of Vicodin.
[edit] Clinic Duty
This is usually the turning point of the show. Dr. House derives an epiphany either from a quilt design, an inappropriate fantasy about his boss dressed as a Japanese school girl, a clinic patient, or a page informing him that the Patient-Of-The-Week is dying and there's nothing that can be done. No matter what, House finds something about his current situation analogous to the mystery condition. This allows him to Stare Off Into Space Significantly. He limp-swaggers back to the patient.
House pops a handful of Vicodin.
[edit] Treatment #3
House informs his team about his new diagnosis. One or two of the doctors are usually still skeptical, but they go along with House because they are pushovers, except for Foreman. Also, the oncologist Doctor Wilson has usually shown up to help with the case by this time. This is regardless of whether or not the disease has anything to do with cancer, because he's a slacker trying to sleep with any woman that might be in the area.
House then goes to get permission from the patient's family. By this time they are wary of a third treatment, and when the treatment doesn't make sense to them, they quote to Dr. House some fact that they remember from seventh grade biology about why he can't do the treatment. House then yells, "I'm the goddamn Batman!" And if that doesn't work, he gets Cameron/Thirteen to go and talk (often lie) to the family, which usually convinces them.
Regardless, House is doing the god damn surgery. Period.
House pops a handful of Vicodin.
[edit] It Works
The surgery or medicine works, and the patient wakes up. Usually he will require drugs/dialysis/chemo for the rest of his life. Also, it turns out that whatever it is that matters most to the patient will kill him if he ever does it again. Even if it is helping children. But he lived, so who cares? I'll tell you who, the girlfriend or parent. They may be dumb, but they do remember that House exposed the patient as a mere mortal human. They usually either break up, excommunicate, or disown the patient. That or they yell at House for shattering their illusions about the patient.
Then everything fades into a touching, bittersweet kum-ba-yah melody for a couple of minutes, just to remind you that what has happened is very significant and emotional, and then you realize it's over and you now have to get off your ass and get to work.
House pops a handful of Vicodin.
The end. As the closing credits run, you try to figure out how "Harry has some bad hat". Harry (if that is his real name) has no hat on and it looks like the shark is looking for lunch. You wonder if the producer of the credits popped one too many vicodin? It is however, actually a reference to a line from the movie Jaws. Why a medical show has anything to do with killer sharks is up for debate.
[edit] The Show's Name
The show is named House for several reasons. Reason one is that it is about Doctor House. Reason two is that often, Taub and Thirteen (or Foreman) have to break into someone's house in order to find some sort of evidence that was left out of the medical history. Reason three is that the episode usually ends in House's house, with him drinking, popping vicodin, and/or playing his piano and hallucinating.
The 'MD' part of the current title stands for 'Must Die', as in "House Must Die." The death of House is a frequently recurring motif of the show, occuring no less than two times per season.
A popular fan tradition holds that MD actually stands for "Major Dickhead".
But if you think about medicine and doctors you will find out that M.D means "Mister Chips." ...Except "Chips" doesn't start with a D. Damn.
[edit] Characters
The director of House M.D is known to have more money than God himself, which he uses to pay for the nine main characters, and two-dozen secondary characters.
The three doctors who appear in season 4 were chosen after House conducted a several-episode-long Doctor Idol to choose the best diagnosticians.
[edit] Dr. Gregory House
Doctor House is the lead doctor of the department of diagnostic medicine. This is a completely fictional department invented just for this show.
The show usually has some focus on how Dr. House deals with his pathetic excuse for a life. He is always shown to be miserable and in pain both emotional and physical. House takes prescribed Vicodin for his pain which he claims is because of a leg infarction that he sustained five freakin' years ago which leaves his leg in excruciating agony to this day. House also takes Vicodin at the drop of a hat, mostly when he has to go to clinic duty or deal with a patient (or when he has to breathe, eat, sleep, see his dad, or perform any action whatsoever). He is currently in the loony bin for thinking that he fucked Cuddy, when he actually just popped vicodin all night.
Update: House is no longer in the loony bin. Now he's fooling us all into thinking he'll get better so he can go completely batshit from the clock tower at the end of the season and nobody will expect the Spanish Inquisition. He still hasn't fucked Cuddy (at least not since college), but the writers like to pretend they still have sexual tension to dangle the Huddy fangirls by their thumbs. He is also off the Vicodin, and has moved on to masturbating in front of Wilson, which makes the Hilson fangirls happy.
House spends most of his spare time riding on his motorcycle, playing his piano, playing his guitar, drinking, having sex with hookers, and thinking up new smart-ass things to say to Cuddy, Wilson, and his team the next day. Sometimes, he'll say something sorta nice or blatantly manipulate a situation to make other people feel better so Wilson won't dump his ass again and House can continue masturbating in front of him.
House is a cripple and a doctor so he has the ability to park his car anywhere.
[edit] Dr. Lisa Cuddy
a.k.a. The Wicked Witch, SheDevil, a transexual "cougar". Dean Of Medicine at PPTH, Clinic Addict. Rumor has it the administrator is a stripper at night.
Dr. Cuddy's specialty is endocrinology and her sole purpose is to trick House into fucking her senseless. After five seasons and despite the fact that she's hot, Dr. Cuddy's the only character who hasn't had any sexual activity, excluding House's FAKE sex hallucination. She's practically as miserable as House - we know for a fact the do me pumps and low cut tops she's wearing daily are part of the sexual-dominance-and-frustration-competition also known as "Who's Got Who By The Balls?" between her and House. That said, it's obvious she can't wait to grease his cane or spank his monkey. She only practices medicine on House these days.
It's probably worth noting that House was already a legend while Cuddy was in med school, and that he totally hit that.
[edit] Dr. Wilson
Doctor James Wilson is an oncologist. He is the only person able to tolerate House's physical and verbal canings. Wilson is not part of House's team of three doctors, but he often helps House to find the solution to whatever House managed to screw up. He also winds up solving cases by having random, slashy, and irrelevant conversations that make House suddenly realize the answer and run off to stop the surgery before it kills the patient. Wilson is also Jewish, which lead to the moose on the Jew. While Wilson performs the most amazing sex in the universe, he has relationship problems because the sex is so mindblowing that his partner's head promptly gets hit by a bus. Wilson's M.O. is to find a woman that needs him, then give her what she needs until he starts resenting her. Then he has an affair, eats Chinese with House, then he tells her about the affair, and a few months later they get tired of each other and get a divorce. Wilson ends up sleeping on House's couch, leading to a lot of fanfiction. He then proceeds to find another woman. House, however, seems to think that Wilson has a problem with love; conventional wisdom suggests we blame his cock-blocking eyebrows. Wilson is God, and can thus get House to do absolutely anything he wants. He is also secretly an asshole. So is God.
[edit] Dr. Chase
An Australian homo doctor whom House hired under "foreigner affirmative action." Even though that doesn't exist, I am pretty sure that's what it is, because he has no freaking talent as a doctor.He's probably just hired because they have to have the pretty boy (and he is damn hot!). He's actually the best diagnostician on House's team despite everything. It seems like nearly all shows do anymore. Anyway, all he is good for is running tests for House and scheduling patients for surgery. He also backs up House's ideas no matter what, to put it simply he is scared of House. Sometimes he also tells Cuddy on House, which sets the whole damn episode back about ten minutes, or a day in New Jersey time.
Since Dr. Chase was fired from House's team in Season 3, he now works as the only surgeon at Princeton Plainsboro. We know this because ever since he started working in Surgery, he has been the only doctor seen performing surgery on patients.
But then he came back to the team, only to have an emotional break down after letting Darth Vader die. When Cameron found out she took his nuts with her to where ever she went.
[edit] Dr. Foreman
Also known as House Lite, Doctor Eric Foreman is a completely jaded ASSHOLE, but supposedly the best damn doctor that House has on his team, although this isn't actually true. Foreman is a neurologist who regularly stands up to House's theories and will stop at nothing to prove House wrong, and thus Foreman is often proven right. House hired Foreman because he had a criminal record. According to House, "People never change," so this means that deep down Foreman is still a gangsta.
[edit] Dr. Cameron
Doctor Cameron is a stupid immunologist whom House hired because of her good looks. She appears to be a character whom the writers added to the show at the last minute to attract more male viewers, and occasionally help come up with the diagnoses. Despite this, she is usually too busy playing the moral high-ground to bother asserting her diagnoses, which often are correct right from the start. She's mainly portrayed as more of a mother figure towards the patients. Many fans were upset that her cleavage didn't appear more often in season four and were estatic when it returned more promenantly in season five.
Cameron has a problem with sick people. She attaches herself to them, and then watches them die. She met a cancer patient before she got the job and married him just before he died. In Season 2, she meets another cancer patient, befriends her, and ends up breaking the news that the woman has Breast Cancer and will die. Cameron is possibly a necrophiliac.
In Season 3, Cameron quit House's team, and left to put band-aids on boo-boos in the ER. Until she changes her mind in season 6 and returns... only to quit again.
[edit] The New Team
Since everyone decided to leave House is Season 3, he has chosen a new team consisting of an ugly guy named Taub with a big nose who cheats on his wife; Thirteen, a bisexual slut who is the only person on the planet that would ever want to touch Foreman, and Kutner (the Indian now working for Obama at the White House). Dr. Foreman also returned as Dr. Cuddy's watchdog. The show also featured a cutthroat bitch named Amber who got her kicks from screwing Wilson until House killed her and made it look like an accident.
[edit] House on his team
“Foreman, you're a black guy. I can mock you because I'm a cripple. And that's how it works. Cripple beats Black. Owned.”
~ Gregory House on Foreman
“Chase, you're Australian. I can mock you because I'm a cripple. And that's how it works. Cripple beats foreign. Owned.”
~ Gregory House on Chase
“Cameron, you're a skinny bitch. I can mock you because I'm a cripple. And that's how it works. Cripple beats skinny bitch. Owned.”
~ Gregory House on Cameron
“Wilson, you're some kinda Jew or something. Okay. Whatever.”
~ Gregory House on Wilson
“Kutner, you're a dead guy. I can mock you because I'm a cripple. And that's how it works. Cripple beats Dead. Owned.”
~ Gregory House on Kutner
“Thirteen, you're a lesbian. I can mock you because I'm a cripple. And that's how it works. Cripple beats Lesbian. Owned.”
~ Gregory House on Thriteen
“Taub, you're some kinda hybrid moleman-dwarf or something...Yeaaaa, good luck with that.”
~ Gregory House on Taub
[edit] Ships
Ships (aka relationships) are idolized by the people who obsess over this show. A 'ship' is a desired relationship between two characters on a show. Side effects/symptoms of Shipping include but are not limited to: extreme hyperventilation when a character in the certain ship appears on screen, screaming, fainting, flailing, fangirling, etc.
| H/Cuddy | Greg House and Lisa Cuddy | House wants to fuck Cuddy. Cuddy wants to fuck House. Again. They have a shit ton of chemistry and frequently have eye-sex, except House thinks of Cuddy as a sex object and not a woman with feelings and a personality. House enjoys degrading Cuddy, which involves making comments about her giant "funbags" and "supertanker". |
| H/Cameron | Greg House and Allison Cameron | Mostly includes Cameron pining for House. This pairing was widely popular but has since lost some momentum. Many blame this on it having a name that evokes images of cured pork. |
| H/13 | Greg House and 13 | The new 'Cameron'. I don't know too many people who ship them, but I know it's out there. He finds her mysterious and hot while she shows him she cares by stabbing him with a biopsy needle. Clearly, phallic symbolism. |
| House/Wilson | Greg House and James Wilson | House and Wilson may look straight, but don't be fooled-- every House/Wilson fan knows they're actually, secretly in gay love. Wilson's three marriages, you ask? House's hookers? Nothing but a clever smokescreen...The producers of House have actually filmed several steamy sex scenes involving House and Wilson, however, due to conservative network executives, the majority of these have been taken off. Every episode of House is currently under review, due to the fact that the guy responsible for cutting these scenes and inserting a commercial break before things became inappropriate (always wonder why the "Tide" ad came on right after them staring into one another's eyes?) was feeling KFC-deprived and was sloppy about the scene cutting in order to run out to get some before it closed. This has resulted in several messy edits, including that one night when the two doctors are laughing on House's couch and eating Chinese take-out. Wilson pulls the noodles up to his mouth, and then the scene abruptly ends. The noodle-sucking was met with several gasps of horror and erections among members of the 'House' production staff. "It wasn't supposed to be there," admitted producer David Shore, "but we thought it might be a suitable nod to the sexual tension between the two characters. Don't worry, it was just in there for fanservice, not real relationship development, like everything else involving them on this show." (See Season 4 episodes 11, 12 and 13 for further evidence of this, as well as mostly all of season 2.) In the full extended dinner scene, the almond chicken ended up all over House, and some incredible make-out scenes ensued. Outgoing US Vice-President/Focus on the Family Secret Co-God/Dungeons and Dragons Master Dick Cheney, who is the official government authority given express permission to view all House episodes to make sure that all pairings involving the morose doctor remain strictly heterosexual, expressed his disgust at Wilson's chow mein consumption, calling it "alarming innuendo."
"Okay, so other fan pairings may be more realistic, but it's worth noting that this is the only pairing officially (and literally) backed by Oscar Wilde." -One 'House' writer expressing his sentiments about the House/Wilson relationship. This particular writer has admitted to have had some incredible butt-sex with Wilde, who is known to have muttered, "Why can't those two doctors just get it on already?" over his morning Froot Loops. |
| House/Stacy | Greg House and Stacy Warner | Stacy was House's ex-wife who appeared at the end of Season 1 and left mid-way through Season 2. Mostly dead as she hasn't been on the show in nearly two years, possibly from Botox overdose. The spiffy name abbreviation does not apply here. It has been proven that the combination names generally make fans wangsty and generally more annoying. Some people accept H/Stacy as an alternative, since they obviously were when they thought they'd make a good couple. |
| Chase/Cameron | Robert Chase and Allison Cameron | Chase and Cameron have been colleages for quite some time. They went through a period when all they were together was for sex. Cameron thought she didn't have a social life and Chase liked her. So they hooked up. In Season 3, Chase admitted to falling in love with her. Cameron was so mad, she refused to talk to him for some time. But every Tuesday, Chase would remind her of his undieing love. During the Season 3 Fibale, when Foreman quits. Chase gets fired by House, who wants change. Cameron, who admits to loving Chase every bit as much as he love her, quits on Chase's behalf. |
| House | Gregory House and Gregory House | The canon pairing. |
| House/Vicodin | House and Hydrocodone | Still disputed (numerous fans still cannot get enough [Ham]eron) but gaining wider acceptance among the fan community as the only ship worth writing about. |
