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|How to Destroy a House Elf|
House Elves (Rowlingus Imaginarius) are short, grubby, disgusting little creatures with the likability factor of a Republican Vice-President. In the English class system they sit just below Gypsy Dogs and just above Chelsea Football Club. Due to a brain that is about as well crafted as one of those cheap Chinese water pistols you buy on market stalls, they speak very poor English (roughly as much the common household baguette) and can only just about perform simple tasks like cooking, cleaning and texting.
They were first introduced into homes by Toys R Us who intended to market them as cute, cuddly, amiable play-things that also did the washing up. Unfortunately at some point during the manufacturing process they threw all their designs in to a microwave with a sack of potatoes, a gerbil and an asthmatic skink. The result was the Dobby-1000. It was completely rejected by the human market, but oddly enough the wizarding community seized on the idea.
“Well, wizards have always liked dirty pieces of out-dated crap, so I thought 'What the hell, let's sell it to the bastards'”
Close to four million house-elves have been sold since the idea was first conceived in 1984 and 96% of those have been to wizards. The standard Dobby-1000 design has been through eight different versions since then, ultimately culminating in the Dobby - Mark V which was released in 2007. Since the 1000, they have gradually forgotten about the cute/cuddly side of the toy and focused on the subservience and general annoying qualities of the product. This has also resulted in the spawning of various other models of house elf, including the Car-Wash Elf, the Taxi-Driver Elf and the Naughty Play-Elf.
“Too ugly to get a wife? Too poor to get a prostitute? Then have we got a deal for you!”
The human market found the very idea of house elves offensive. The principle argument being, why buy something so grotesquely ugly to do your house work when you could hire a naughty French maid? As a result of this they began taking house elves and egg-whisking them to death. The worst it ever got was in downtown Aberdeen when a gang of angry protesters high on cranberry cup-cakes and chocolate whisky, broke in to a Toys R Us armed with Moulinex blenders and systematically made a smoothy out of the shop's entire stock of the Dobby-1000. It was shortly after this that the product was taken off human shelves and began being sold to Wizards.
The reception was much more favourable here, as Wizards enjoyed having something uglier than them around to make them feel better about their own appearances. Given that House Elves rank at roughly 0.6 on the Zawaya-Moffett beauty scale (which runs from 1-10) they are somewhat less attractive than the average Wizard/Witch for which the mean rating is 3.5 (with notable exceptions like Hermione Granger). The fact they could do house work was simply a bonus to their looks.
The only significant drawback to House Elf sales in the initial days was their bloody annoying, uncontrollable need to serve their masters (i.e. the person who bought them) and their often sadomasochistic tendencies when kicked out of their owner's house after the owner's inevitable loss of interest or sudden sheer disgust at the foul, perverse and cretinous creature they suddenly realise they have let into their home. As a result, the following version (the Dobby - 2000) was programmed with the clothing escape clause, by which the owners could give their House Elves clothing in order to dismiss them from their service. Despite popular belief, this does not entail the house elf leaving the master's house and searching for work elsewhere, it entails them leaving the master's house and finding the nearest place to destroy themselves with the piece of clothing they have been given. This usually takes place in the form of a self-smothering or hanging, but cases have been known of elves devising more elaborate ways of destroying their lives. One such incident involved an elf using the pair of tights he had just been given, tied between two trees, to catapult himself in to a nearby river.
This has not proved popular with certain activists, but no one listens to them because they have no friends, losers.
Despite the different measures and fail-safes built in to the various House Elf models, there have been instances of elves going rogue. This usually occurs after an unsuccessful destruction attempt. The house elf is given clothes and goes out to destroy itself.The Rouge Elves are a group of elves that do not wish to follow the rules of the house elm code and are lead by their lead 'Tommy Hacking' who, to show his leadership rank, dresses differently from all the others, he wears huge open neck t-shirts that show his chest and a leather jacket with brown shoulder pads with skinny jeans and military boots. Benefits of achieving this rank are that he gets a 'Golden ear lobe' membership to the gym and receives a free daily dose of anabolic steroids so that he can be strong enough to fend off any attackers or elf police that attempt to arrest him for all the mischievous things he gets up to. He almost lost his leading rank due to loss of confidence from his followers by going to a pjama party but he soon gained it all back when he nailed a dwarf.Yet after the attempt on their lives, they tragically survive. This can be very dangerous indeed, as according to their programming the house elf has fulfilled its ownership obligation and destroyed itself. Yet it is still technically alive. The elf is therefore free of all human/wizard control and completely independent. In most cases they are destroyed quickly as they often find the need, after this occurs, to go out and drink vast amounts of alcopops. This either results in alcohol poisoning or the elf being beaten to death with a pool cue, as when elves have a lot to drink they tend to sing, tap-dance and be generally disagreeable and hugely annoying. There are a number of cases when this has not occurred, however, and these elves have gone out into the world and attempted to assimilate themselves into society. Most have plastic surgery first to avoid suspicion and persecution as house elves have less rights than the democratic party. Most of them are harmless, but are nevertheless illegal. Often they will give themselves away by: acting in an unintelligible manner, being needlessly helpful, taking up folk dancing or becoming a Republican Vice Presidential Candidate.
Suspected Rogue Elves
- Sarah Palin
- Vladimir Putin
- Paris Hilton
- Daniel Radcliffe
- Kirk Cameron
- The President of the Brad Pitt fan club
- Everyone in Dubai
- The camera crew on 'All Creatures Great and Small'
- All Scientologists
- One third of all Ku Klux Klan members
- Anyone who has ever used the C-word more than eight times in one sentence
- The British National Morris Dancing Team
- That fire juggler by the London Eye
- Thomas Hacking