From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Alright, my name's Pete and... yes, we'll get you your sandwiches, just please... no, no, we're your friends here. We just want to help. Yes, okay, okay, we know you've been under a lot of stress lately. You... want what? Toilet water? Like men's perf- oh... paper? Are you serious? You should have taken a dump beforehand, y'know... oh? Ohhh... why the fuck did you take laxatives? What, are you a dumbass or something?
NO NO NO, I didn't mean it like that!
Alright, I know, I know. You're a bit on edge here... hell, everyone's a bit on edge, here, y'know...? Heh... hmm. We can't get you toilet paper right now but if you hold on... you can't hold on? Well, cry me a fucking river because the police department aren't a bunch of fucking paper dispensers!!
We just wanna help you, but we just don't have any goddamn toilet paper here, right now. If we had some, of course we'd give it you! What?! You think we're all selfish bastards? Fuck you! Oh, what are you gonna do now, eh? Shoot me? I'm your only fucking break out of this situation, and- URK.
Oh my god, he's been shot?! No, no! Don't open fire. Get Larry on the megaphone. Yeah, Perkins.
Hey, there partner! How ya doing? See you shot Pete over there in the knee. A bit anxious, are we? So, my name's Larry, so can ya tell me who exactly you've got in the apartment? Three? All cats? I see. Now, we want to help you out, okay? Yeah yeah yeah, we'll get you your sandwiches, do you still need your... ah, already did it eh? Well, good multitasking! Hahaha. Ha.
Ah! Shit, okay, okay. You're coming out now. Nice and easy. I see you've got that cat by its neck, hmm? Okay, okay, don't get tetchy. No! Don't point it at...!
Oh god... my legs... I can't feel my legs... please... somebody! Aaaaaah... those poor cats. He's got a grenade! No!