This article is about Horseshoes, the game. It is most likely you are not where you want to be. You're probably looking for the 1923 film starring Oliver Hardy, please see Horseshoes (film). Are you not? Are you sure? I suppose we'll have to carry on then. It wasn't an especially entertaining film, but compared to Horseshoes (game) it's a Roman orgy at Puff Daddy's house.
Assuming you're still reading this instead of the article about the horseshoe film, welcome to Uncyclopedia's article on Horseshoes, the game: A game of harrowing difficulty and despair played mostly by children, farmers, and people of similar intellects to those two. We realize of course that people don't exactly come from far and wide to read about metallic equine trinkets, but until Uncyclopedia starts paying its writers it will simply have to do. I would also like to highlight at this point that potatoes are not a recognized form of currency. Outside of Russia.
Horseshoes is an outdoor game played between two people, or more commonly, on your own. The game is played using four horseshoes and two throwing targets, which are known as 'stakes', set in a sandbox area. The players take turns tossing horseshoes at the stakes in the ground, which are placed 40 feet apart, although sometimes they can be as much as 50 feet apart depending on local rules and the apathy of the people measuring them.
Modern games use a more stylized U-shaped bar, about twice the size of an actual horseshoe. Although considered a radical change to the game when first introduced, it later proved to be popular as both a game tool and as a useful weapon against one's own head when one wishes to end it all.
Still reading? You're tough to shake off.
The NHPA (National Horseshoe Pussies of America? I forget) is the foremost, if not only, recognized governing body of rules regarding horseshoes in the state of Kansas (pending recognition from Texas, Nebraska, and North Korea). They maintain an up-to-date set of rules, guidelines, and specifications for the game on their website, which is published bi-annually on recycled paper.
Here are the main rules:
1. Throw horseshoes at poles in the ground.
They are the main rules.
There are other entities, such as the CSTF (Camel-shoe Throwers Federation) and the LDKT (League of Door-knocker Tossers) that have their own versions of the game and sanction their own events, but the
largest least-smallest recognized volume of sanctioned tournaments and leagues are those of the NHPA.
History of the Sport
The history of horseshoes isn't widely known, documented or even discussed in polite society, but what is certain is that a man (or maybe it was a woman...) by the name of... er... well, he (or she) had a name, we can be sure of that. But that's not important. Anyway, this man-lady either got angry and threw a horseshoe at a nearby pole; tripped while holding a door-knocker, getting a ringer on his/her infant son's leg; or sat down one day with a pencil and a stack of papers, determined to make the perfect outdoor sport, and thus horseshoes was born. Although it might not have gone quite like that. Remember, I'm
making this shit up going from memory, here.
The sport of horseshoes and we use that term loosely, has a training regimen that can only be described as Herculean. Players have adopted varying approaches over the years. One such person is Kamal Toe, also known as the Pride of Tehran, who is widely regarded as one of the only horseshoe throwers of All-Time. The details of his healthy routine follow:
In what he qualifies as a morning, Kam wakes up at about 11 am, knocking down empty beer bottles as he reaches for his half-emptied cigarette pack by his bedside. Taking great care not to wake his sheep up, he ventures into the depths of his kitchen for a nutritious pre-workout meal (usually some pizza leftovers from last night), along with some carbohydrates to sustain him throughout the day, routinely in the form of Iranian Blashtwala (a Vodka substitute that would wake the dead from their slumber). Then he manages to drag himself out of his couch after watching the Steve Wilkos show until his "training" starts. He doesn't make much of his day unless you count throwing horseshoes at a stake with a cigarette in your mouth as "doing something".
Such is the preparation of the "greats". You will never realistically achieve a level of performance near what's described above in your lifetime, but bearing the dream in your heart is all that couts isn't it? Not everyone is carved into the mold of a horseshoe thrower, keep this in mind next time you want to put a slug in your head.
Maybe, if teenagers gave a shit about horseshoes.
Fantasy Horseshoes League
The Fantasy Horseshoes League gives fans of the sport the chance to fulfill their dreams of being the manager of a team of horseshoe players, defy their own lack of sporting talent and waste vast amounts of precious time. The Fantasy Horseshoe season starts in... whenever the fuck real Horseshoe season starts. There hasn't actually been a successful season yet, seeing as no one has ever signed up, but they have high hopes for this next season.
Notable Sporting Moments in Horseshoes
Watch this space!
- ↑ And we're not talking about the dictionary definition of Orgy as six people without socks on. We're talking urban orgy. Needless to say, you won't remember what happened and you won't know where your socks, or any of your clothes, have gone.
- ↑ Kim Jong-Il is reportedly a big fan of horseshoes, which automatically makes everyone in North Korea a fan of horseshoes.
- ↑ "They" being whoever the failure is that decided that what they wanted to do with their life was run a Fantasy Horseshoe League.